Belittling, critism, verbal abuse and so on....

Hi everybody, I hope you are all well.

Lately I feel I am getting it from all over, apart the people close to me. A couple of instances. I get verbal abuse on a daily basis more than once a day where I live. I feel belittled by some of my colleagues where I volunteer. My ex husband uses any oppurtunity to make me feel bad about myself, his favourite expression is I look like a tramp (as in the homeless variety, not sure why, I am clean, tidy and wear clean wellnfitted clothes, I am not well groomed though) My exs parents who I see weekly for the kids sake, my mil critisises every single thing I do, literally pulls her face. She really is the cliche. I had a group interview this week and some comments I overheard where ridiculous. I have been picked on and called names because I have said no to people. There are plenty of other occasions.

Anyway I would say half the time I ignore it, but it still goes in. Sometimes it is particularly hurtful. Then sometimes it builds up inside because it is regular especially the things said about how I look, this then wears me down and I feel so bad about myself.

This week feels like that. How does everybody else handle critism, belittling behaviour, judgement based how you look, being picked on, and abuse mostly verbal?

Cheers for reading

That stuff gets to me sometimes too. But, I eventually realize that what others say aren't important. Especially things that ex-husbands say. He's your ex for a reason, so don't even pay any mind to him, he will say whatever to make you feel bad, he knows your buttons and he will use them. Don't let him have that power over you. Easier said than done, I know.

As for the in-laws, you should lay out some boundaries with them. You are doing them a favor (and your kids too, of course), but you do not deserve to be treated like that when you are being kind enough to see them once a week so they can visit with their grandchildren. Tell them you don't appreciate it and that it needs to stop. Again, easier said than done, I know.

I think no matter who you are or how prepared you are to deal with that kind of thing, sometimes it WILL seep into your brain and hurt you. Let it hurt for a bit, wallow in self-pity for a bit....but ONLY for bit, then pick yourself back up and say to hell with them! Having someone to talk to about it all can help too. Do you have anyone that you can go to and talk about that stuff?

I'm sorry to hear that hinni but my advice / opinion is: -

- Look at what people are picking on
- Is there a problem with it?
- If No. (which is very likely)
- They're <Insert insult of choice here>

There is always judgemental people in life who pick on things that have no relevance to them, for example some people don't like my hair or people like to look because it stands out in comparison to the 'norm'. I've never really been sensitive to comments so I suppose I am quite thick skinned. A lot of people are sensitive to this though and what they need to think about is "Who's opinion matters?". A strangers opinion? A colleague who your not friends with's opinion? Your rude ex-husbands opinion?... OR Your opinion & your loves ones opinions. I know I don't need to point it out but its worth reminding people.

When people are unpleasant / rude to you just say "Do you hear that?"... *silence*... "No one cares" and walk away care free.

(my apologies if my opinion offended anyone xD)

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Triple Bogey said:

They all sound like horrible people. If it's possible, if somebody gives you some honeysuckle, give it back. Don't ever think what they say is true because it isn't. It's all probably jealously. You are better than these people and they know it. These people's opinions shouldn't be important to you.

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Sadly, it's not really possible to give it back when kids are involved. Well, not if you want to set a good example to them. Yes, it does happen...if people don't care or they get too frustrated, but it's better for the kids if at least one of the grownups acts like a grownup.

But, aside from that, if you are, indeed, better than them, you shouldn't give it back, because you are taking it down to their level, maybe you not better than them.

That is, of course, just my opinion.

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Triple Bogey said:

TheRealCallie said:

Triple Bogey said:

They all sound like horrible people. If it's possible, if somebody gives you some honeysuckle, give it back. Don't ever think what they say is true because it isn't. It's all probably jealously. You are better than these people and they know it. These people's opinions shouldn't be important to you.

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Sadly, it's not really possible to give it back when kids are involved. Well, not if you want to set a good example to them. Yes, it does happen...if people don't care or they get too frustrated, but it's better for the kids if at least one of the grownups acts like a grownup.

But, aside from that, if you are, indeed, better than them, you shouldn't give it back, because you are taking it down to their level, maybe you not better than them.

That is, of course, just my opinion.

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disagree because the person who wrote this thread is obviously unhappy. What are they supposed to do ? Nothing ? Let it stew and get more and more depressed. Think these people are right ?
Crap. Nothing wrong with telling someone to fresia off when they deserve it !

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If you need to keep the "relationship" on good terms for your children....yes, there is something wrong with telling someone to fresia off.

I'm not saying not to say anything to them at all (as I said in MY post), but there is a better way to handle the situation than telling them to fresia off or making snide comments back. Yeah, if you don't have kids, sure, go for it, but when kids are involved, it makes it an entirely different ballgame.

dear GraceBlossom, sorry to hear you have to have that in your life -

about horrible people, I usually go by this rule of thumb: a few times in my life I managed to be horrible with someone and those times I was usually very distressed about something. If those people are so horrible all the time, I can't even begin to imagine how their life must suck and the deep unhappiness and uneasiness behind their behavior, and how if they are jerks with me they are probably jerks with a lot of other people, including each other, so their life must be close to living hell. Glad not to be them

I ignore it. I'm not going to bother or worry myself with crap that I don't have to care about. There have been, and still are, a few people in my life who seem to think that it's okay for them to talk to me however they want, but it's not. So I don't even concern myself with any of it.

I have often found that a lot of people are happy to criticise and to find fault, but are very slow to praise. As Peaches has said, they must be very unhappy inside if all they can do is look for faults all the time and overlook the good.

Thanks for the replies . MrPaul I love that retort, I can think of quite a few instances that would have come in handy.

Sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this abuse, Grace. I usually deal with abuse by either:

A. puffing up my chest, clenching my fists and looking as threatening as possible. This usually results in the abuser realising they've badly misjudged my temperament and it would probably be better if they slinked away quietly.

B. proving that I'm intellectually superior and then confusing them with dialogue. This usually results in a confused look as their brain struggles to comprehend words comprised of more than a single syllable.

C. I ignore them entirely and don't give them the satisfaction of any kind of reaction. This usually results in them trying again, while I yawn, look at my watch and appear completely indifferent.

I'll admit that there's some attempt at humour involved in my answer, but I thought maybe you could use a smile

Chin up, lass!

Gracie *hugs* I'm sorry that they're doing that to you. It's so uncalled for and ugh. You know yourself better than they do - and you know they're all a bunch of ******** who know that you're better off with your kids, so they have to take every possible opportunity to put you down to their level because you are way up there. As much as you're human and you have feelings too - turn them off for these people. Put on a deaf ear and numb yourself whenever you meet these people and tell yourself each time before you see them, that you're not going to hear a thing they say about anything.

Stay strong and hope you'll be able to deal with this a lot better from now.

One time there was a person at work who liked to yell at and bellittle me a lot. He also liked to invade my personal space when he did it as he was one of those "close talkers".

So when he was in the middle of yelling with his head right next to mine, I licked his face and then just stared at him. That turned the situation from hostile to awkward. Actually he just sort of stopped coming around after that.

I'm not sure if this story helps you at all. But I think your solution is in here somewhere.

GraceBlossom said:

This week feels like that. How does everybody else handle critism, belittling behaviour, judgement based how you look, being picked on, and abuse mostly verbal?

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Yep, that sucks GB- I usually respond with a lightly sarcastic "Consider the source", an insincere smile, and a roll of the eyes, I find it often throws them off guard if you show them their opinion matters little.

Limlim said:

So when he was in the middle of yelling with his head right next to mine, I licked his face and then just stared at him. That turned the situation from hostile to awkward. Actually he just sort of stopped coming around after that.

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I actually kinda sorta know how that feels.... to be licked on the face. It does stun you. And stop you. Yeah. Sorta proven.. from my experience lol.

I do not care for criticism much, but it's something that can make you mentally tougher. The easiest way is to move away from people like this as they clearly are on a different level, and engaging in any sort of reaction is just dragging you down to their level. Your ex sound just like he's bitter an he's probably trying to hurt you, I wouldn't fall for that immature behaviour.

Being happy and generally enthusiastic will annoy the honeysuckle out of these people who are like this this, I'd suggest you do this and watch their reaction.

Sounds like you have been getting crap on all sides, GB so ****big huggs***

Handling it might be a case of different ways for different people, the belittlers that is.

But just to deal with one kind, there is a sort of person who is jealous of something you have that they don't. So you have nice kids and, I think, a nice guy in your life, so.. is it that they are getting at you because they don't have that? Or that you are respected in your work, or popular or have some other talent that they do not?

Now, I'm not saying that makes what they are doing OK, it is not. Its childish nasty and primary school stuff. Kindergarten even, lol. But basically, you have to feel sorry for them, in a way. Because it is truly sad that this is the only way they know how to be. And also, weirdly, and maybe hard for you to do, but it is actually a compliment. It is happening because you have something, you know? Something they do not.

If you can manage to see it that way, you will find it makes you smile, and feel ..almost... good about it.

Hugs once more. .. You are de gal, their attitude proves it, sunshine!!

I can't say I've been there 'cause I've not. What I can say is I undestand that feeling.
Being made unimportant, worthless and rather replaceable.
What I'd do is, I'd fresia everything everyone says about me. I'm not made of anyone's opinions but mine only. If I were you and my ex husband called me a tramp, I'd say on how hard he can stuff his dick up his arse and that I would never let it get to me because it's something that isn't even true and comes from a flthy mouth from some sick, stupid brain and that therefore I shall not pay attention to such rather stupid people. Enough said. I don't have to take people's shits up my arse. And also won't let my life get affected by that.
Just live your life by your rules! Let no one tell you how to live your life!
And if you end up in some miserable life because you listened to such comments than you ******* deserved it.
Best of luck. My inbox is always open for any ******* one. Later

Hello Grace,
I'm sorry to hear how you're dealing with this and as you know I've been through all things. As of right now I'm seeking therapy. The one thing I find most helpful is to be assertive and let them know, you don't appreciate this behavior and you don't have to listen to what they say. That what they say about is wrong and hurtful and you don't want it to continue, after that I'd simply walk away. Let them know you're serious, put you're foot down. It's okay to get assertive, especially when were hurt and being criticized. This is what I do each time it's happening to me. =) Hope I helped you out in some way. ~Hugs~