What hope do I have?

I'm in a hopeless situation and one I feel that I can't help but resign myself to the fact that loneliness will forever be my constant companion.

I have a serious health issue that has me fated to go through weekly chemotherapy for the rest of my life. It's to control a tumor in my chest, about the size of a baseball which is immediately life-threatening. That's about all the details I'll share, but the thing is, this treatment makes me ill. Quite ill from Mon-Wed, then I'm exhausted the remainder of the week. It's impossible for me to hold a job or go to school because of this.

I was diagnosed at 20. I'm 37 next month.

I wonder, why would any woman be interested in a guy who.....

-gets $1k of income a month from disability, $400 of which goes to rent, another $360 to piano lessons?
-lives with the parents?
-is physically miserable a large portion of the week?
-is exhausted the remainder?
-deals with constant emotional baggage from this disease?
-has no career?
-no education aside from high school?
-is bipolar II?
-probably won't live to see 50?

I'm not in the greener pasture here. There is absolutely no reason for any person to want to be with me. None. On the contrary, there is every reason NOT to be with me. I don't want to entirely resign myself to the fate of being eternally lonely, but looking at my situation objectively, I see no attraction if I were a lady on the market.

Ever since 20, I've been fighting very hard simply to regain a sliver of my health, whether it be physical or mental. I've had botched surgeries, chemo, radiation, narcotic detoxes, mental institutions. I've never been in love. I've never felt that closeness to another. I've never gazed into another's eyes feeling vulnerable, grateful. I've never felt the embrace of passion, heat, desire and love between the sheets. I'm not saying I'm entirely sexually innocent, but my experiences were all in my teens nigh two decades ago and they were superficial flings at best so I mine as well be. Nothing since my early twenties have I been intimate, and never intimate on a level that even approached anything meaningful. I've never become one with another as much as one can. I don't want a hooker. I don't desire sex, I can beat off, I desire sex only as a means of closeness.

Who would wish to share in a life of constant suffering and hardship? I don't blame people. I know I wouldn't knowing what I endure. It's not fun.

But I'm so incredibly lonely. My parents are my only friends. Hell, last July during a very bad time my mother essentially condoned my suicide and told me to please not to disappear and do it, but to say goodbye first. Yea, I am not kidding. What kind of messed up situation has a mother come out and tell her child she would understand if they killed themselves?

I'm a good looking guy. I get beautiful woman approaching me. Thing is, I'm a child inside. An individual of incredibly stunted development. Everything in life has been put on hold to survive and I know nothing of the world except what it entails to fight severe illness. I hate this rejection. I'm tired of it. I don't even try anymore because no one will take this deck I've been dealt. As if I had a choice. I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN. I'VE FOUGHT, BLED, CRIED. Immensely hard, and what's the reward at the end of the tunnel? Hey pal, no work experience, no job, social skills deteriorated, living with parents, people half my age are more grown up than I am. Good job you did! Hey bud, to add insult to injury, why don't you take a look at all your peers? Y'know, the ones in love, progressing in jobs, buying houses, traveling, having kids, sex, living life? Growing??

fresia YOU. I've been robbed and I feel very bitter about it. This is not something that happened that I had to get over. Everyone has hardships. But fresia's sakes, this is constant. It never relents. What did I do to deserve such misery? How am I stuck in this cycle of torture? Who in their life gets a sentence of chronic chemo? I wouldn't wish a thing on my worst enemy!! How did things come to this? I have every right to feel this way. I have worked so **** hard for something no one gives one honeysuckle for as they have it for free.

All I want is someone to be with. I don't ask for much, simply knowing what love feels like would let me die happy. But I don't feel that this will ever happen.

I have nothing on offer.

This is a bad day. I'm not a self-pity party all the time, despite appearances.

End rant.

I have no meaningful advice to give except this(and it's probably bad advice): there are people in the world, especially some women, who have an overwhelming need to feel needed themselves. You could try and find one of these people. To them, you have everything to offer.

****

Don't even know what to say here, to be quite honest, except that I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Kale, I'm so sorry you are in this position at the moment.

Have you ever heard of Dr. Lorraine Day? She had a malignant tumour in her breast - had it 'debulked' - refused chemo - and, through diet and lifestyle changes, is healthy today and completely cancer free. I think she is in her late 70s and the tumour appeared when she was in her 50s. She tells the story on her website which is nationally known and can be verified by phoning the hospital where her cancer was diagnosed. If it were me, Kale, this is the route I would take.

She will also answer you via email if you have questions. She's a medical doctor with highly impressive credentials and lots of experience.

Please google her site if you'd like to.

Meanwhile, big gentle hugs to you, Kale. ((((Kale))))

I'm sorry, Kale. *hugs*

I still believe you can meet someone who would be interested in your for your personality. There are women out there who can look past things in your life that are beyond your control, as they can be understanding about it and willing to work things out with you.

Just like jjessea said as well.

So I hope you don't give up. You're right, you have every right to feel the way you do after all that has happened.. but it's not over. Life is quite unpredictable.. and can change in a moment. Good luck.

P.S.
Also, you don't know how inspiring you actually are. The strength you have in you to get through in life until now. Don't give up yet, you've worked too hard to give it up. I really admire how you put up with all this.. especially not being well in your health. I know how it can make things look a whole lot worse and make you feel really crappy.

There are many women who have health problems or disabilities themselves and who would prefer to be with a man who has his own health issues as you would have a deeper understanding for each other because you both have suffered a lot.
Or, as jjessea has written, there are many women who need to be needed.
Please don 't give up-you have gone through so much.
You made it through high school. Could you take online or correspondance courses on your 'better' days so that you have something to get your teeth into?
Is there anywhere you could go to socially to meet people?

First and foremost, Kale, I am extremely sorry to hear about your physical illness. That is a dreadful situation, and I can only wish you some kind of cure in the future. As difficult as it is, I hope you will continue to take the medicine. I sincerely sympathise with your health situation.

I was interested to read the reply post above about Dr Lorraine Day. Diet can have a huge effect on one's physical health. I am not a medical doctor, so I cannot comment on your own situation, but I can tell you about mine. When I was in my mid-to-late teens, I was physically a wreck. My arms, face and torso were a mass of acne and boils. My body was scrawny and thin. I looked like a drug addict, even though I wasn't one. If you had seen me then, you would have put my life expectancy at about 35 or even less! People used to look at me and turn away in shock.

Well, right now I am 55 (nearly 56) and I am in the best of health. I have only had 2 or 3 days off sick from work in the last 12 years, and that was for a mechanical illness, not an organic one.

In my humble opinion, one of the biggest causes of physical illness in Western society is the Western diet. Particularly meat and dairy products. I gave up eating meat many years ago, and I take very little dairy. What do I eat? Twelve portions of fresh RAW vegetables and fruit every day. All my bread is wholemeal or granary. I eat raw broccoli for breakfast every day, as part of my "elixir of life" which is a meal I invented, full of natural vitamins. (Recipe given on request, free of charge). I never take vitamin tablets, as the food I eat is naturally rich in health-giving vitamins and minerals.

Like you I am lonely, that's why I'm here, but at least I have utterly beaten my health problems. As for the loneliness, yeah, I know about that. I am still a virgin at 55, and have never had a ladyfriend or had the chance to marry or have children.

I am not sure if this post will be of any use to you, Kale. A healthy diet cannot by itself cure a serious illness, but sometimes it can help a person, as I can testify.

Good luck.

Bill.

can't you cut out that tumor...why live with it?

---

Get rid of that honeysuckle once and for all

Ruthie said:

Kale, I'm so sorry you are in this position at the moment.

Have you ever heard of Dr. Lorraine Day? She had a malignant tumour in her breast - had it 'debulked' - refused chemo - and, through diet and lifestyle changes, is healthy today and completely cancer free. I think she is in her late 70s and the tumour appeared when she was in her 50s. She tells the story on her website which is nationally known and can be verified by phoning the hospital where her cancer was diagnosed. If it were me, Kale, this is the route I would take.

She will also answer you via email if you have questions. She's a medical doctor with highly impressive credentials and lots of experience.

Please google her site if you'd like to.

Meanwhile, big gentle hugs to you, Kale. ((((Kale))))

Click to expand...

I'll look her up, thanks for the recco. Any help helps.

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ladyforsaken said:

I'm sorry, Kale. *hugs*

I still believe you can meet someone who would be interested in your for your personality. There are women out there who can look past things in your life that are beyond your control, as they can be understanding about it and willing to work things out with you.

Just like jjessea said as well.

So I hope you don't give up. You're right, you have every right to feel the way you do after all that has happened.. but it's not over. Life is quite unpredictable.. and can change in a moment. Good luck.

P.S.
Also, you don't know how inspiring you actually are. The strength you have in you to get through in life until now. Don't give up yet, you've worked too hard to give it up. I really admire how you put up with all this.. especially not being well in your health. I know how it can make things look a whole lot worse and make you feel really crappy.

Click to expand...

At my age, women are looking mostly to find someone they can nest down with and lay eggs, or at the very least, be independent. There are many things that they feel should be required of the male......namely, being able to support them in these wishes. I cannot do this. I can't even support myself.

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Tiina63 said:

There are many women who have health problems or disabilities themselves and who would prefer to be with a man who has his own health issues as you would have a deeper understanding for each other because you both have suffered a lot.
Or, as jjessea has written, there are many women who need to be needed.
Please don 't give up-you have gone through so much.
You made it through high school. Could you take online or correspondance courses on your 'better' days so that you have something to get your teeth into?
Is there anywhere you could go to socially to meet people?

Click to expand...

I go to a piano club once a week, and the beach every so often.

About meeting someone who also has medical issues, I can understand this advice from an outsider's perspective, but personally, chronic illness is not really a foundation I wish to build a relationship on. I've tried it before, and it doesn't work. I don't want to focus as much on this disease as I have to to get through it.

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Treelooney said:

First and foremost, Kale, I am extremely sorry to hear about your physical illness. That is a dreadful situation, and I can only wish you some kind of cure in the future. As difficult as it is, I hope you will continue to take the medicine. I sincerely sympathise with your health situation.

I was interested to read the reply post above about Dr Lorraine Day. Diet can have a huge effect on one's physical health. I am not a medical doctor, so I cannot comment on your own situation, but I can tell you about mine. When I was in my mid-to-late teens, I was physically a wreck. My arms, face and torso were a mass of acne and boils. My body was scrawny and thin. I looked like a drug addict, even though I wasn't one. If you had seen me then, you would have put my life expectancy at about 35 or even less! People used to look at me and turn away in shock.

Well, right now I am 55 (nearly 56) and I am in the best of health. I have only had 2 or 3 days off sick from work in the last 12 years, and that was for a mechanical illness, not an organic one.

In my humble opinion, one of the biggest causes of physical illness in Western society is the Western diet. Particularly meat and dairy products. I gave up eating meat many years ago, and I take very little dairy. What do I eat? Twelve portions of fresh RAW vegetables and fruit every day. All my bread is wholemeal or granary. I eat raw broccoli for breakfast every day, as part of my "elixir of life" which is a meal I invented, full of natural vitamins. (Recipe given on request, free of charge). I never take vitamin tablets, as the food I eat is naturally rich in health-giving vitamins and minerals.

Like you I am lonely, that's why I'm here, but at least I have utterly beaten my health problems. As for the loneliness, yeah, I know about that. I am still a virgin at 55, and have never had a ladyfriend or had the chance to marry or have children.

I am not sure if this post will be of any use to you, Kale. A healthy diet cannot by itself cure a serious illness, but sometimes it can help a person, as I can testify.

Good luck.

Bill.

Click to expand...

I'm pretty healthy in my diet actually. I avoid junk food, no sodas, I do eat meat but rarely (and cut off the fat, grrrrr my favorite part) and eat a lot of veggies. The one thing I lack on is exercise, mostly because I'm just completely wiped most of the time.

There's people in my life who seem to eat much worse than I do that are doing fine. I don't think it's so simplistic, though I don't deny the possibility that it can really help. The thing I can't do is completely get off the chemo and try a purely strict diet in the hopes my tumor will react favorably to it. I literally have no time or element of leeway to experiment. This chemo is the only thing holding it back.

And thank you for your courageous honestly about your virginity at your age. I think that's very admirable to be able to come out and say such a think in our culture.

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Incognita said:

can't you cut out that tumor...why live with it?

---

Get rid of that honeysuckle once and for all

Click to expand...

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This was in 2003, 4 years after diagnosis and 4 years after extensive chemo and shrinkage. It was a bit larger when diagnosed. If they were to resect it, it'd be a "quarterly removal", which to give you an idea........follow your neckline down to the bottom of your nipple, then out to the arm. I'd be essentially getting my entire upper left portion of my body taken off and my spine, heart, and lung would be near the surface of the skin.

HEAVILY deformed. I've been to Mayo, all the top places in the nation, and they all agree that surgery is an absolute last option if all else fails because the odds of simply surviving such a procedure is not very good, and if I did survive it, I do not think I could mentally endure such a shock to my system, would lose my mind, and probably off myself sooner than later.

I've endured a lot, but I don't know how I'd endure that. I just don't know.

I don't know what to say that could make this any better for you or make you feel any better in the least in your situation.. but please know that I truly feel for you and sending you my best wishes and I hope that things will work out in the best way.

That surgery does seem rather risky. I'd say if you can still fight it and is still strong enough to fight it, mentally and physically, this would be a better option.. but that's just my opinion.

Once again, I'm really sorry, my health issues don't even seem like anything in comparison to yours. I hope you stay strong and keep fighting this. I'm rooting for you. *hugs*

Dear Kale - what you've gone and are going thru, I can't even imagine. But you have SO much still to offer. Your strength, your smarts, your learned empathy, your music - all those traits outshine your ailment. It's most certainly easier said than done, but please keep the faith my friend. And know that you've got people rooting for you here. I hope you'll keep stopping by .