bad friend (not sure that is the right word) is back

for a moment I had the second thought that this post should go in the Relationships category, but there is no relationship there.

Some months ago I was very upset about this friend, and I think there is a post somewhere with the whole story, anyway: there was this guy who was always very available and we had a terrific time together, he was in a relationship so it was very proper, only meet in public places, or with other people, a couple times he came to visit when I was sick, it seemed there was something solid there. I had the feeling that he liked me, but he never did anything to suggest another agenda, for one year and a half at least. Last year, maybe September, he kissed me on the mouth in the middle of the street, then he insisted that he was doing that with several friends (which I asked around, can even be possible in this country), but then he was completely indifferent to my being upset about it, which I didn't find nice at all. After a month or so I decided to believe him, but he must have still had some subterranean issue with me because he introduced me to some people (who could actually have given me a job) as a loser who "flunked her previous job". After this episode I kind of let him go, also remembering at least 4 occasions in which he wasn't supportive of my projects or discretely put me down.
Also, in case there was some sexual tension, I am not the "secret lover" kind and he has been for so many years in a really unhealthy relationship, so I didn't have a lot of esteem for him as a lover or someone someone capable of true commitment, so I decided to leave him and his companion alone, especially after they finally had a baby at age 52.

Anyway, after the "loser" faux pas he apologized, once, and then we didn't speak again, but I sent him Christmas greetings (unpersonal) as I do to all my work-related contacts.

Sorry for the long story: anyway last week he wrote to ask if it was time that we could have coffee again, and he suggested he bring his toddler child, so it was clearly along the lines : let's act like nothing happens. I found an excuse to refuse and today he wrote again.

I just can't stand anymore people ignoring my feelings and me having to act nice not to rock the boat, I don't want to see him unless he wants to have a heart to heart talk about "us", why he wanted to be my friend in the first place so that I can decide if I can trust him again.

The other possibility is that he is just a jerk (he seemed a very kind and thoughtful person, honestly) who likes to put down women and as a lonely sensitive person I am generally seen as easy pray for that.

Now I don't know what to do: do I tell him that I need to talk in order to renew this friendship? Or do I just let it go and don't answer?
Am I being too dramatic? I just can't have ambiguous and impersonal friendships, I already have my family for that :-/ . But, the way my family used to tell me, there is always the nagging feeling that I ask too much of people. Is that too much to have a relationship in which you are honest with each other?

Peaches said:

Is that too much to have a relationship in which you are honest with each other?

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Only when one expects it.

VanillaCreme said:

Peaches said:

Is that too much to have a relationship in which you are honest with each other?

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Only when one expects it.

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in what sense? If you push the other to have it when they don't want to?
Yeah, these things should be spontaneous

Peaches said:

VanillaCreme said:

Peaches said:

Is that too much to have a relationship in which you are honest with each other?

Click to expand...

Only when one expects it.

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in what sense? If you push the other to have it when they don't want to?
Yeah, these things should be spontaneous

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In the sense that, in my opinion, you shouldn't expect anything from anyone. Good or bad. You ask if it's too much to have honesty in a relationship, and perhaps even at the most basic level, no. But clearly there are reasons or excuses why someone wouldn't be honest. Things such as honesty and respect are to come naturally, or else what's the point... You hold too much expectation to someone, they're bound to disappoint.

VanillaCreme said:

In the sense that, in my opinion, you shouldn't expect anything from anyone. Good or bad. You ask if it's too much to have honesty in a relationship, and perhaps even at the most basic level, no. But clearly there are reasons or excuses why someone wouldn't be honest. Things such as honesty and respect are to come naturally, or else what's the point... You hold too much expectation to someone, they're bound to disappoint.

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Very well said, I've thought this myself on occasion.

well, this is not a matter of expectation, the question is if that was acceptable behavior or not (in my view is not) and if it is worthwhile or not to try to communicate further with this person

Peaches said:

well, this is not a matter of expectation, the question is if that was acceptable behavior or not (in my view is not) and if it is worthwhile or not to try to communicate further with this person

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Yes, you expected them to behave in what you thought would be a decent manner. But now that he's not done so, you're second guessing a friendship. If it were consistent enough, I'd throw in the towel myself. Not because they've behaved wrongly, but because I'd realize I can't change anyone.

I wish I could cancel this thread, clearly the point wasn't expressed clearly

Peaches said:

Now I don't know what to do: do I tell him that I need to talk in order to renew this friendship? Or do I just let it go and don't answer?
Am I being too dramatic? I just can't have ambiguous and impersonal friendships, I already have my family for that :-/ . But, the way my family used to tell me, there is always the nagging feeling that I ask too much of people. Is that too much to have a relationship in which you are honest with each other?

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I'd say you do what you feel you should do, or what your gut tells you, that would put your mind at ease. I have this issue with friends where I do expect some basic courteousy or acknowledgement when I send a message or ask them a question but if they don't, once, it's fine but a few times, it would kinda get to me and I'd just cut contact. I'm not sure if it's good or bad to expect honesty in friendships, but yes, I would require that in someone else to have a proper trustworthy friendship... otherwise they'd just be acquaintances or no one close.

I guess to each his own, what he / she deems is important in their friendships. To me, honesty and respect are the basic things I'd look out for in a good friendship, of course I can't expect this out of every friend I make, but to the ones who have the possibility of getting really close to me or to my personal life, then yes.

Back to your situation, I say, if not talking to him about it first would really bug you and you can't rest, then talk to him first. If he doesn't take it well, then you know what you should do. If you don't want or can't have impersonal or ambiguous friendships, then you have every right to ensure you don't have them but I'm not sure if that means you'll have to be prepared that you'd lose some or most of them because they lack this.

I'm thinking you really want to talk things out with this guy about what happened. Honestly, I would do it if it was me. I don't think I can let it rest and just pretend it never happened. How is it so easy for people to do something to hurt/doubt/disrespect and then soon after forget as if any of it happened. Currently, I have not talked to 2 or 3 of my so-called friends for a few months because the last 2 times I initiated a group chat, they outright ignored me and then recently they just started a group chat with me inside and talked about stuff as if nothing ever happened. I have been quiet the whole time until now.

So, until someone owns it up or talks about it or asks why I'm so quiet.. I'm gonna remain invisible. To this day.. it's obvious I am invisible to them because they haven't really asked why I haven't said anything. Lol.. "friends".

Anyway, good luck, Peaches. *hugs*

Hey Peaches.

If I were you, I would take option B, which is to ignore his message and carry on with your life.

You don't need someone in your life who will play mind games with you and sow further upset, which is what this person seems to have done to you in the past.

Sometimes it's just better to let these things die off.

Besides, you can always make new friends.