Moving Away

One of my few close friends is moving out of state in two days. This leaves me with only one more close friend living nearby as my social options appear to be dwindling.

This may be part of a trend toward a more anti-social life, but I don't want that for myself. This would not be ideal.

How does one halt the decline in the number of close friends? I realize it's a bit ironic asking lonely people to answer this question, but I'm hoping someone has done it... Stopped the reduction in close friends, that is.

Hi Case. I guess that the best way to deal with your situation would be to try and make some new friends. I realise that this is easier said than done though. Could your one remaining local close friend introduce you to his/her other friends to see if you and they hit it off? Or could you and your friend plan outings to places/events you both like so that you will have the chance to mix with and to meet new people?

I'm so glad Tiina63 replied to you, Case, and I think her ideas are excellent.

I just went through something very similar but haven't coped with it too successfully, so just wanted to say I'm sorry it's happening for you as well.

Keeping your friendships from falling apart I think has much to do with communication, and the effort you and the other put out in keeping it important for each of you.

But I don't know what you can do in a situation like this. I have had several friends move away, to live elsewhere or school or whatever, and I can honestly say neither they nor I tried to keep our friendship going. In particular, I've always found friends to turn nasty after they've gone off on independent journeys, and tend to act like they're on a pedestal afterward. I noticed this even with friends who were forcibly shipped off to rehabs even; they just think they're something very special all of a sudden because of it, and act very smug and it's like they're 'looking down' at everyone from home afterwards.
But I come from a very sad area, where many people do not make it out of their parents' homes, and I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be very proud to get out of this town. I don't blame them--- but it's not behavior I like.

Perhaps my examples are bad.

Either way--- I'm not sure. If you'd like to keep your friendship long distance this is much easier in the Internet era. There's lots of interactive software available, and playing online videogames can be a great bonding experience also.
Just communicate that you don't want to lose your friendship with them, and maybe you won't have to.

This is something I think about all the time. I didn't have a ton of friends to begin with, and now most of them have either moved away, paired off, or done both. The ones that have moved have gone a long way, ranging from an hour's drive to the other side of the country. And the ones that are here have paired off, meaning they're busy doing their own thing, and sometimes it feels like I am imposing on their lives. Maybe that's just in my head, I don't know.

I'd say just use the Internet to keep in touch. I could stand to get better about that, myself.

Tiina63 said:

Hi Case. I guess that the best way to deal with your situation would be to try and make some new friends. I realise that this is easier said than done though. Could your one remaining local close friend introduce you to his/her other friends to see if you and they hit it off? Or could you and your friend plan outings to places/events you both like so that you will have the chance to mix with and to meet new people?

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Yes. It is easier said than done, but I know you are right, Tiina. The difficulty is in the doing, and while friends do seem to enter my life now and again, the closer ones are the ones that make my social life more meaningful and not just an outing with people I don't truly know beyond a basic bio. As for my other close friend, she's like the sister I never had, and I am now known by a large portion of her family. As such, they all half-jokingly/half not refer to me as their adopted son/nephew/brother/etc, which is nice. But, since I am not blood or marriage related, I am not a priority. That is to be expected, but it also makes me feel like the poor boy in B&W movies staring through the window of a hotel at the gathering of well-dressed rich people and knowing that he isn't a part of that group. Also, I am really only invited to the wider family's gatherings because of my close friend. If that friend moved away, which could happen eventually, then the odds of still being included in that family are lessened greatly. I have only developed a slightly deeper friendship with one sister and her husband, so I'm not bereft of possibilities.

Ruthie said:

I just went through something very similar but haven't coped with it too successfully, so just wanted to say I'm sorry it's happening for you as well.

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Thanks, Ruthie. I'm sorry you experienced a similar event. How did you cope?

AmeNoKo said:

Keeping your friendships from falling apart I think has much to do with communication

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My friendships aren't falling apart as much as the important ones are moving away, which makes socialization less personal, in my opinion. I can have all the online friends I want, and I value them all, but the deeper connections are the ones I meet face-to-face and have a life with offline.

AmeNoKo said:

If you'd like to keep your friendship long distance this is much easier in the Internet era.

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That's the thing. I'll keep in touch with my friend with no problem. My feeling is the fear of losing another (my last) close friend to another city, and I don't want to be left with no close friends who live nearby.

Case, I didn't cope very well.

I'm trying to get my people fix online now, but I certainly miss being with my former friends. You know, when you know someone so well - sometimes you can just look at them and they know what you're thinking. You're relaxed with them, they know all about you and vice-versa -- that "old shoe" kind of comfortable feeling.

I miss that.

Ruthie said:

Case, I didn't cope very well.

I'm trying to get my people fix online now, but I certainly miss being with my former friends. You know, when you know someone so well - sometimes you can just look at them and they know what you're thinking. You're relaxed with them, they know all about you and vice-versa -- that "old shoe" kind of comfortable feeling.

I miss that.

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I understand, and I'm sorry. I know both feelings well. That unspoken glance that communicates an instant emotion or thought, and that desire to have it when it's gone. I hope you are interacting with enough friends online to fulfill you for now.

I just saw the last of my friend yesterday. We both said it's not goodbye, but "good luck." We'll still be in touch, but it'll start to suck pretty soon. I wish it didn't bother me. I know some people love being alone, and I used to be one of them. Now, I'm not. I try not to be depressed, but it's tough.

I know, Case; I know.

I wish all of us here could just live in one big town together. That way we could go to lunch, go out, do things. Maybe then we wouldn't miss those others quite so much.

<3

Case said:

One of my few close friends is moving out of state in two days. This leaves me with only one more close friend living nearby as my social options appear to be dwindling.

This may be part of a trend toward a more anti-social life, but I don't want that for myself. This would not be ideal.

How does one halt the decline in the number of close friends? I realize it's a bit ironic asking lonely people to answer this question, but I'm hoping someone has done it... Stopped the reduction in close friends, that is.

Click to expand...

Well, I lost a bunch of friends about 15 years ago to marriage and kids. I'm not a kid-friendly type and we no longer had anything in common and the friendships quickly died out. Since then I have chosen more of an anti-social life vis-a-vis friendship and I'm satisfied. I can understand how that wouldn't be ideal for all people though. I've written in another post how I found it extremely difficult to make new friends as an adult...my only suggestion is to get involved in something in your community...I'm basing this on a woman I know who takes lots of arts/painting classes, does some volunteer work and is a member of a few associations in town and she is a social butterfly.

My best friend is going to study abroad, too. I didn't realise it would affect me this much, but I am going to miss her so much. I don't really hang out with anyone else as much as I do with her. People always mistook us as sisters or twins. I cannot even explain the bond and connection I have with her, like a long lost twin sister. It just saddens me.

I don't really see how this would relate to your original post though, Case, cos I don't think I would care much for new social interaction, but it's just the fact that I'm going to be missing this one. Not sure where to put this. So.. sorry if this is totally unrelated. :s

Thanks Ruthie, Pike, and LadyF. And Lady, what you explain is very close to how I feel about my friend. She's like family to me. So, I will still keep in touch. (In fact, she texted me today to see what I was up to.)

Right now, I don't think I miss my friend, but I'm already feeling more isolated, more lonely, and it's only been 1 1/2 weeks since I last saw her. So, I'm reconnecting with an ex girlfriend now (who wants my platonic friendship) because I have very few options, and she's one of the few people who are open to doing things IRL. Most everyone else is busy and only has time to like my Facebook posts.

Honestly, I feel like I'm struggling at the moment.

Case said:

Thanks Ruthie, Pike, and LadyF. And Lady, what you explain is very close to how I feel about my friend. She's like family to me. So, I will still keep in touch. (In fact, she texted me today to see what I was up to.)

Right now, I don't think I miss my friend, but I'm already feeling more isolated, more lonely, and it's only been 1 1/2 weeks since I last saw her. So, I'm reconnecting with an ex girlfriend now (who wants my platonic friendship) because I have very few options, and she's one of the few people who are open to doing things IRL. Most everyone else is busy and only has time to like my Facebook posts.

Honestly, I feel like I'm struggling at the moment.

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Case, I'm so glad your friend texted you. And it's great you're reconnecting with an ex-girlfriend as just friends now. Maybe some of the adventures you guys get into will help you meet other people.

Just have lots of fun going out and sort of expect some down times and adjustments and try not to let them make you feel too overwhelmed when they hit (because they will, and it's natural), and maybe look forward to planning things to do with your ex-girlfriend and just see every day as an opportunity for a big adventure.
And remember we're all here for you too and we care. <3

Case said:

Honestly, I feel like I'm struggling at the moment.

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Aww Case, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I don't have any better advice to give you at this moment, but please know I'm here just a message away yeah? I hope you will feel much better soon. *hugs*

Case said:

...she's one of the few people who are open to doing things IRL. Most everyone else is busy and only has time to like my Facebook posts.

Honestly, I feel like I'm struggling at the moment.

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Sorry you're struggling...you know, that's why I deleted all Facebook, Twitter...all social media stuff from my life. People who I naturally assumed could be good friends would send me a like now and then and not really answer my posts and comments...it actually made me feel lonelier than I was when I didn't have all that stuff in my daily life. A real life friend, even just one is probably better for you than a few dozen fb "friends".

Pike Creek said:

Case said:

...she's one of the few people who are open to doing things IRL. Most everyone else is busy and only has time to like my Facebook posts.

Honestly, I feel like I'm struggling at the moment.

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Sorry you're struggling...you know, that's why I deleted all Facebook, Twitter...all social media stuff from my life. People who I naturally assumed could be good friends would send me a like now and then and not really answer my posts and comments...it actually made me feel lonelier than I was when I didn't have all that stuff in my daily life. A real life friend, even just one is probably better for you than a few dozen fb "friends".

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I would agree with the FB friends reference. People think that liking a photo or a comment is a real interaction. It's not. It's the most minimal action someone can take. The only thing a Like tells me is that someone saw my stuff and clicked a link to show me they approve. While that't nice, it should never replace face-to-face experiences.

I have far too many online friends and not enough real life friends. Maybe one solution would be to meet some of my online friends and make them more real.

By the way, I'm not saying that online friends are not real friends. I'm saying that online friends are great, but oftentimes, it's text on a screen to me, and until I get to know someone's real name, real life, real struggles, then there remains an anonymous barrier that I wish did not exist for some of my online friends.

Case said:

By the way, I'm not saying that online friends are not real friends. I'm saying that online friends are great, but oftentimes, it's text on a screen to me, and until I get to know someone's real name, real life, real struggles, then there remains an anonymous barrier that I wish did not exist for some of my online friends.

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Funny you mention that, I just wrote something on that subject in the platonic friends thread. But I will say, online/blog friends I've met over the years have been much nicer and supportive to me (in words) than any real friend I've ever had. The kindness of strangers is a reality for me.