Feel like I ruined my life and now I am just waiting to die

Sorry for the multi negative posts this weekend.. I just have the time to write now.

I am 43 and I didn't get married and have kids. I claim a few things.. first, I had a few bad relationships and second lazyness and third, I always felt there would be time. Whatever the reason... I didn't work hard enough at something and now I just can't see it happening really. I am just too -- not a perfect body -- and too lost on the intricacies of relationships. Plus I just don't see how it is possible when I am forced to work all day and my plans can be ruined at the whim of my boss. I was a fool to think I would be treated well at any job. So it isn't going to happen. But I can't help but take that in my head and just think, what is the point of anything. I am kind of just sitting here waiting to die. Sure, I could have a few fun times along the way but the likely scenario is just down hill from here.

It feels like going forward is going to be a ton of work just to exist. Society now seems set up to make it impossible for me to do all those things I thought I could do at any age. I find it very hard to make friends with people now because.. most are married and don't need a friend. So the pool is small. When I do manage to make a few typically they aren't too good a friend.

I used to think I could get a job at any age but I don't think that is true anymore. I think there is an employer norm not to want to hire people over a certain age. Thus if you lose your job, you could really be up a creek. So it will be a struggle to keep that job. I used to believe in doctors and mental health doctors but I don't anymore. I don't trust them. At a time I am most likely to have at least one bout with cancer.

Life seems a constant struggle... and I am reaching the point there I feel like what is the point of struggling anymore.

Don't worry, I am too much of a whimp to take action but out of pure stream of pragmatic reality... I just can't see any point / anything to get excited about going forward. Just get up... slave away, so I can have money just to live... seems pointless.

Anyone else ever feel the same?

Yup.
I have a child though. But it doesn't keep me having the same kinds of thoughts or feelings that you have.
I don't have any good advice to pass along either. I simply deal with the feelings as best I can and try to continue making positive changes in my life when I can - it's helps a lot.

I went through most of my life living a struggle too. Nothing was going right. I only just started feeling better about life and my future 2 years ago at the age of 44. I still struggle financially, just kind of get by, but I found my way somehow and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still struggle mentally with depression, but I know how to manage it. Emotionally, it's still a struggle, but somehow I'm dealing with it.

Here is some food for thought...what about your life can you change and control in order to make yourself feel better and try to be happier? We can't always change our work situation, we certainly can't change our past and we can't change society - these things I began to put minute focus on and they became irrelevant in my life, necessary, but irrelevant to my being happy - but you have your private time, your lifestyle, beliefs, hobbies, home and your decisions, nobody can control those things but you. Those are the things I focus on to keep on the upside of the struggle

Yea, sometimes I feel I ruined my life. I hid my interests and personality in childhood because I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to bullies, which mostly worked but unfortunately it also stunted my growth as far as confidence goes. I'm just now needing to get confident, because I have no chance of getting a relationship without it, as well as just advancing in life. I'd need confidence to go out and do pretty much anything, and after going my whole life with a lack of faith in myself, it just feels really weird getting used to it.

I also just think I didn't make the most of childhood. I feel like I just took it all for granted and felt like it would never end, and now I fear I've repeated the same mistake with my teens and twenties just going through it thinking I have time but I don't.

In addition to making me mess up with women, my lack of confidence has also made me an uninteresting person. While other people were learning sports and instruments and being in bands and how to draw and how to write stories and all kinds of other things, I never bothered working hard at anything because I figured I didn't have the genes or the talent so what's the point. Now I see that I was wrong and that the greats in this world are great because they put so much time into doing something. And by my age now, 28, a lot of the greats have already been great for a long time. I still daydream about having my own niche, about distinguishing myself somehow. But now, even if it's not a question of talent, it's a question of time and I don't know if I have the time. I often daydream about writing and performing a rock album or drawing aliens and creatures or writing a new sci-fi fairytale. But I wonder if it's not too late for those things now.

I had terrible paranoia as a teen and it caused a lot of arguments at home. One of the worst things about all of it was that I didn't cuddle Boomer when he was just a baby, because he walked on the floor and I worried about getting the germs from that. I can't believe that now, and I really regret it to this day though I've tried to make up for it since. The paranoia also just caused me to waste a lot of time. It remains one of my biggest regrets. Again, while other people were exploring what life had to offer and making new experiences, I was paralyzed by fear of certain things. That's what I put my energy into. I wish I could go back and do that over again.

I kind of squandered college because I took an attitude of "it doesn't matter anyway" to it. I didn't look very hard into majors or interests or anything, didn't look very hard into schools, and whatnot and even though I finished, it took much longer than it should have and I have a degree in something I'm less than thrilled with and definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life doing. I can't fathom spending the rest of my one life stuck in a business office. I want to be significant, I want to stand out. But I can't go back to school now, so I'm stuck with it. I also didn't look too hard at my interests, because I figured everything was already invented and things wouldn't get much better than they are now, because it either couldn't be done or because the powers that be wouldn't allow it, so there was no point anyway. Now I see that's not true, but again, I now have neither the money nor the time to return to school.

And lastly I feel like I really blew it in the dating world. I finally started to meet women that I was actually really interested in, after years of meeting no one at all that had what I wanted. Only to either blow it by misrepresenting myself, or just take too long trying to figure out what to do, only to watch all 3 of them get snapped up. And I knew them all for a year when they were single, and they all knew me well enough that talking to me was not weird at all but enjoyable. In fact they were usually the ones that reached out. But I wasn't prepared because I hadn't been cultivating myself as an interesting, exciting, confident guy all this time. Now that they're all gone, I feel that if I want a relationship I'm going to have to lower my standards. I really don't think I'll get the kind of opportunities I had again.

Hello LonelySutton, I feel the same way as you.
I am mid fifties and have always wanted marriage and a family more than anything but didn't meet the right one despite all the effort I put into the search. I still hope to marry, but obviously and sadly children are not on the agenda.
Workwise I have done very little owing to health issues.
Every day at some point I think what a relief it will be when my life is over. When I was a child and teenager, I never envisaged spending my life completely alone.

I know I'm not your age but I relate very strongly to most of your post. I'm sorry you are in this boat. I wish I had something encouraging to say.

Tiina63 said:

Every day at some point I think what a relief it will be when my life is over. When I was a child and teenager, I never envisaged spending my life completely alone.

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Well that makes me feel better.

I feel like I am on this insane treadmill. For instance. I feel like I need to save money for retirement. So I do that. I don't spend money now trying to have money to retire on. But even then... saving all that I possibly can now... when I see my estimates for retirement, it is pathetic. I have been contributing to my pension for 10 years and if I lost my job now...and got my pension at 57 (possible ) my pension would be a whole $450 per month. That is pathetic. So lets say I struggle for another 15 years and get my full pension, well get this... it isn't much better. I would still be on a fixed income. I get my social security statement and I had been pretty happy until recently I saw that it says right on it, that whatever my number is... it will have to be discounted by 30% -- I just can't see by any calculation that I will not be poor in retirement.

All the things that I thought were going to be a benefit of being single haven't happened. I thought I would be able to travel but travel is boring now and I can't see spending money on it. What is the point of having a nice house if no one ever sees it... and because i have very few friends... no one does. Dreams of BBQs are dashed when no one wants to come over.

And all it takes is one job loss to wipe out most of my savings.

I can't help but feel like I am a rat in a cage running on a treadmill making just enough money to spend on living costs and no more... assuming I make it to retirement I probably won't be in good enough shape mentally / or physically to really enjoy it. Ruined by the treadmill of work and fear about survival.

Hi Sutton,
I've read your posts and sorry to hear you're feeling down and alone.
I hear what you're saying about retirement and lack of savings. I'm 42 with a good job but they froze their pensions shortly after I started so I will get a whopping $40 a month when I retire! And my 401k? Forget about it, according to those retirement calculators. Might as well plan on flipping burgers when I'm 75.
Not to mention the fact I will probably be alone when I'm older so no husband to lean on like most of my friends.
It all seems bleak when I think about it but most days I think about it and then just say "fresia it, who cares". (pardon my English) Life goes on no matter what.
I hope things will start looking up for you soon

-Teresa

LonelySutton, I'm 33 and feel the same way. I think many people do these days. Broken promises in a world gone mad.

Make sure to take breaks and find time for some things you want to do. Cultivate the relationships that you do have. Read philosophy or take up religion. I think any one of these might help.

lonelydoc said:

LonelySutton, I'm 33 and feel the same way. I think many people do these days. Broken promises in a world gone mad.

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Definitely. I always feel poor no matter how much money I make or have. This weekend I went shopping for furniture. I made my last furniture last 12 years. But typically I look for cheap furniture because my cat will probably destroy it by year five. But I just couldn't bring myself to buy anything. 2K for a couch? Not worth it. I even went to the discount places but still 1k seems like too much.

But as I leave I think to myself... why am I so poor? It just seems like a struggle just to have enough to base live on.

I wish I could just say "F*** it" and live but I can't bring myself to. I can't really spend now and let things fall where they may. Even though I know.. it is possible I could get hit by a car tomorrow.

It is just that there never seems anything to look forward to.

LonelySutton said:

It feels like going forward is going to be a ton of work just to exist. Society noDw seems set up to make it impossible for me to do all those things I thought I could do at any age. I find it very hard to make friends with people now because.. most are married and don't need a friend. So the pool is small. When I do manage to make a few typically they aren't too good a friend.

I used to think I could get a job at any age but I don't think that is true anymore. I think there is an employer norm not to want to hire people over a certain age. Thus if you lose your job, you could really be up a creek. So it will be a struggle to keep that job. I used to believe in doctors and mental health doctors but I don't anymore. I don't trust them. At a time I am most likely to have at least one bout with cancer.

Life seems a constant struggle... and I am reaching the point there I feel like what is the point of struggling anymore.

Don't worry, I am too much of a whimp to take action but out of pure stream of pragmatic reality... I just can't see any point / anything to get excited about going forward. Just get up... slave away, so I can have money just to live... seems pointless.

Anyone else ever feel the same?

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Dear Lonelysutton, in three weeks I will be 42 and I totally feel the same

LonelySutton said:

I can't help but feel like I am a rat in a cage running on a treadmill making just enough money to spend on living costs and no more.

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Dont worry about the negative posts, I'm at it as well, and I'm sure others too. Ive been visualizing it in my head as well, but as a small helpless stupid clueless hamster on a wheel and that visual sits with me all day and night.

I feel the same. The snowball is picking up speed as it rolls down the hill, directly in my path....

I am watching a tv show in the US... that I hate but feel compelled to watch. It is called "the leftovers". It is a drama about what happens 3 years after 2% of the world disappears. I actually think the show is silly and doesn't make a ton of sense. For what is supposed to happen... it seems like the reaction doesn't fit.

But this week I put my finger on it, why I still watch it... because what is being depicted up on the screen is the desperation and depression that I think most people actually feel just living their normal lives. This week one of the characters.. who shares a name with me... wrote letter over the action to another character as it appeared she may either kill herself or leave...

Here is the text.

Dear Kevin,

I need to say goodbye to someone I care about, someone who is still here, so I am saying it to you.

You were good to me, Kevin, and sometimes when we were together I remembered who I used to be before everything changed. But I was pretending, pretending as if I hadn't lost everything.

I want to believe that it can all go back to the way it was. I want to believe that I'm not surrounded by the abandoned ruin of a dead civilization. I want to believe that it is still possible to get close to someone...but it's easier not to. It's easier because I'm a coward, and I couldn't take the pain, not again.

I know that's not fair Kevin. You've lost so much too, and you're strong. You're still here. But I cant be, not anymore. I tried to get better Kevin, I didn't want to feel this way so I took a shortcut. But it led me right back home, and do you know what I found when I got there? I found them, Kevin, right where I left them. Right where they left me.

It took me three years to accept the truth, but now I know that there's no going back, no fixing it. I'm beyond repair. Maybe we are all beyond repair.

I cant go on the way I'm living, but I dont have the power to die. But I have to move towards something. Anything. I'm not sure where I'm going, just away. Away from all this. I think about a place where nobody will know what happened to me. But then I worry I'll forget them. I dont ever want to forget them. I cant. They were my family.

I think I loved you, Kevin. Maybe you loved me, too. I wish I could say this to you instead of writing it. I wish I could see you one last time to thank you and wish you well and tell you how much you mean to me. But I cant. Like I said, I'm a coward.

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I underlined or highlighted parts. Sure it isn't 100% on point but as I was listening I realized why I keep watching it. It is like the story is showing the reality of what is actually happening but people wouldn't accept it without some supernatural hook. I just feel like I am beyond repair. I have lost hope and faith and I can't ever get it back. Because my hope and faith of earlier years was based on ignorance and now that I am not ignorant anymore... I can't get get motivated. I want to believe that there are medical providers that are competent and can help me.. but I don't. I want to believe that there are lawyers who have ANY talent at all, but I don't. I want to believe I can find a person who will compliment me and who isn't broken to have a relationship with, but I don't. I want to believe I will find friends going forward but my experience shows me that most people are also broken so I have no faith in friendship. For several years now I have been pretending. Pretending it didn't bother me. Pretending it was going to get better. I might not have been even aware of it, but, on some level I knew it wasn't really right. I studied mindfulness, I made friends, I lost weight, but nothing really stuck... cause nothing really worked.

Another thing I think is interesting is that this show has a "cult" called the guilty remnant. The thing I find interesting about them is that their entire platform is just to be in your face jerks... in the most jerky way possible. Like the stand outside your house and smoke in your face and don't speak... all things that drive people nuts. I see that as such a statement about society right now. There are so many people who just take a jerk stance because they can. Get on the train and talk extremely loud because it isn't the quiet car. Like they get a kick out of daring people to confront them. Check into a hotel room and make tons of noise at 2 Am. It is like they get off on provoking other people... no matter who they hurt.. they just don't care. I see that in the world too... we have our own guilty remnant only they aren't organized... they are just excited about provoking others.

Yeah, been wanting to watch it, but dont get it here. Maybe for the best