Time to change my mentality

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Calla

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I'm not sure how to start this.

I won't dwell too much on history however I've always had issues regarding low self-esteem. You could blame that on being bullied at school or issues with family members etc but it's by the by, I cannot change my past.

What this has effectively meant is that I've built a bedrock of negative thinking and opinions of my self that are hard-wired into my psyche. In my mind I am nothing more than a 'fat, spotty geek' and will constantly put myself down.

I know this is wrong, and my thinking process is flawed, however I have become so accustomed to this mentality that I am within my comfort zone. In my mind, I know my place, so I say things and sabotage situations in so I stay in that place. It's a damaging and self-defeating process but also comforting. That is hard to explain in words.

This means that I am normally quite shy, and stay away from conflict or areas that are potentially risky. I struggle for words when I speak to strangers, until I get to know them then I don't have an issue.

I'm normally quick to revert to my more insular, negative self when things seem to go wrong, even if it's minor. My self esteem plummets and I fall very quickly.

I'm not writing this all to mope and complain though. I know my flaws and my ambition is to fix them. I need to learn to question my own negative thinking, build my self-esteem and keep that level going. I don't think it'll be easy (ah, negative thought again!).

My question to you all is this, where do I start? I'm aware of things such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but I want to try and change me myself before spending vast sums of money on therapy.

I'm looking for resources, tips, guides, success stories. Even it's is small, daily things, I want to give them a try and I want to hear about what worked for you.

I hope this makes sense. To tell a story, I've reached the mid-twenties and I'm constantly nagged and questioned by friends to why I have never dated people. The simple answer is that I don't think I'm good enough, nor do I ever want a loved one to see the inner, darker me. I 'protect' myself and my friends but keeping everything locked up and at arms length. It's not healthy, I need to change.

Once of my closest friends got engaged recently. I'm delighted for them in one aspect but it leaves a poignant thought that they are able to find something that should be so normal but I will not allow myself the opportunity.

It's made me sit and reflect tonight. It's time I make the change.
 
I know exactly how you feel, as I go through the same thing.

I've been told by many people, throughout my life, that I'm ugly, and it eventually sinks in when you hear it enough. It's very hard to cope with.

Maybe you could talk to your doctor about meds? That may help.
 
Try these two books

"full catastrophe living" by john kabat zinn and "the power of now" -- might sound new agey but they are very much about training your brain to think differently and more kindly via mindfulness. For example... instead of thinking "I am fat" think, I am fat but that is only a description as I am right now.

But you know... don't be thinking your not dating is something wrong with you. People used to make me think that too -- that I was too shy or negative, but in the end, I realized I just demand a lot from people... and dating is no different. When I found a guy that floated my boat... I didn't really have a problem pursing it. The problem... finding that guy. Maybe you are just meant to take a lot of time to do so. Don't let other people ascribe it to some defect in you.
 
Up until I disowned them about 15 years ago, my entire family unit was a toxic negative cloud over my life. I was told I was stupid, an alcoholic, a failure, ugly, would never amount to anything...you name it, they said it. And yes, we do become ingrained with this kind of warped thinking. There is truth to the saying "you become what you think you are". I'm in my 40's and it took me a while to overcome this negative self-loathing thinking. Therapy may or may not have helped me, I'm on the fence. What I do think really helped was taking care of myself on the outside and the inside. You said you thought of yourself as a "fat, spotty geek". If you have weight to lose, that's a good start. Eating well and drinking lots of water will take care of your complexion if you are "spotty". Those things may start you on the road to confidence while you work on your inner voice. I read motivational websites daily, I wrote a positivity and gratitude journal every day as well.

This may sound silly, but it really works. I did the Barbara Streisand thing from Funny Girl every morning when I looked in the mirror:

[video=youtube]

Sometimes you really have to force yourself even when your negative brain is fighting with you. I can't recommend any books, except I read a lot of Tony Robbins.

When you have your own self/life in order, then I think it becomes easier to meet new people and date.
 
One way to start, if you are not satisfied wit your weight, go to a nutrition expert. I know it's hard to discipline yourself on food, but if you are able to make just some little changes at first, you will star to lose weight, and maybe then you will get excited and your mood and self-esteem will get a little better. And that may trigger some other positive changes as well.
 
Hi Calla, as someone who struggled for with severe depression, anxiety & negative thought process for a long period of time, I'm able to tell you that you can make changes to the pathways your brain works along.

The first step is identifying the negative thinking patterns, learn to tune into ways of thinking that are in themselves negative....

For example, Alma arranges to meet up with a friend, when Alma arrives to find her friend hasn't showed up as arranged she may wonder what has come up that her friend has not turned up, 'depressed Alma' on the other hand would immediately think that her friend didn't want to see her/didn't like her/was avoiding her.
The reality of the situation may be that Alma's friend had left the house without their phone & had been held up along the way.

Alma needs to identify the negative thought pattern above, & instead of giving herself a hard time about it, she should feel good about recognising & flagging up the behaviour which requires change-the first step is to identify, by doing that she can then begin to modify the behaviour.

I know it's not as easy as it sounds, believe me I know! but it's a case of identifying & flagging up bad habbits in order to then make the changes & practice new & more positive ways of thinking-creating new, more positive pathways.

Hope this helps,
 
Hi all,

Thanks for the feedback. In terms of an update, I finally, after many years of deliberating, mustered the courage to book an appointment with a therapist. I'm hoping that they can talk things through and teach me the tools and techniques to challenge my mindset. At £45 a session it's not cheap but if it makes a positive inlace then so be it.

Here's hoping.
 
Glad to hear you've booked the therapist.

What I usually do is try to find out if what I'm thinking is true. Using Alma's example (sorry if I'm accidentally repeating what you just said Alma), if her friend doesn't show up, try giving her a call to see what's up. Maybe she got caught in traffic. Think you did a bad job on something? Maybe others might think otherwise.

Here's hoping things work out. :)
 
Calla said:
I'm not sure how to start this.

I won't dwell too much on history however I've always had issues regarding low self-esteem. You could blame that on being bullied at school or issues with family members etc but it's by the by, I cannot change my past.

What this has effectively meant is that I've built a bedrock of negative thinking and opinions of my self that are hard-wired into my psyche. In my mind I am nothing more than a 'fat, spotty geek' and will constantly put myself down.

I know this is wrong, and my thinking process is flawed, however I have become so accustomed to this mentality that I am within my comfort zone. In my mind, I know my place, so I say things and sabotage situations in so I stay in that place. It's a damaging and self-defeating process but also comforting. That is hard to explain in words.

This means that I am normally quite shy, and stay away from conflict or areas that are potentially risky. I struggle for words when I speak to strangers, until I get to know them then I don't have an issue.

I'm normally quick to revert to my more insular, negative self when things seem to go wrong, even if it's minor. My self esteem plummets and I fall very quickly.

I'm not writing this all to mope and complain though. I know my flaws and my ambition is to fix them. I need to learn to question my own negative thinking, build my self-esteem and keep that level going. I don't think it'll be easy (ah, negative thought again!).

My question to you all is this, where do I start? I'm aware of things such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but I want to try and change me myself before spending vast sums of money on therapy.

I'm looking for resources, tips, guides, success stories. Even it's is small, daily things, I want to give them a try and I want to hear about what worked for you.

I hope this makes sense. To tell a story, I've reached the mid-twenties and I'm constantly nagged and questioned by friends to why I have never dated people. The simple answer is that I don't think I'm good enough, nor do I ever want a loved one to see the inner, darker me. I 'protect' myself and my friends but keeping everything locked up and at arms length. It's not healthy, I need to change.

Once of my closest friends got engaged recently. I'm delighted for them in one aspect but it leaves a poignant thought that they are able to find something that should be so normal but I will not allow myself the opportunity.

It's made me sit and reflect tonight. It's time I make the change.

Hi, you are on the right tract.
you can get help in changing your nature , go to "antidoteforall.com"

It is a free meditation that has helped thousands. It is not religious, it is simple and only takes 7 minuets.
Let me know how it goes.
Louise
 

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