Friends disappear with bad news

My mother was just recently diagnosed with a serious illness. I chose to share this with some friends of mine and they ignored me. I understand people have busy lives, but I don't understand why these seemingly "nice" people can't spend five minutes on a text or e-mail saying they're sorry to hear the news.

I'm not asking them to do anything.

It's sad, but I've had people online react with more sympathy and offer a listening ear. I've lost so much trust.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, edamame. I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with such conversations and just don't know what to say. I'm sorry your friends aren't being supportive when you need them the most.

That always happens doesn't it?

It happened when I told my friends about my illness. In my mind I visualised it like they hear it and then slowly back away trying not to let me notice.

I don't have any close friends in real life anymore since then. Except my one best friend, but she's moved away so I'm pretty much solo here.

Anyway, it's kinda sad, but just how it is I guess? I haven't figured out the explanation for this. Always settled with the reasoning: they don't know how to handle a friend with an illness. Or that they just find it a hassle, having to show sympathy (which isn't what I'm looking for to be honest). Maybe it's a similar case with you telling them about your mother. They don't know how to deal with it.. or don't want to.

I'm sorry about your mother's serious illness. I hope she'll get better. :\

that's because the people here actually DO care...you will find that anything that brings you down the people here will try their best to comfort you in any way possible...i hope your mother will be okay and my best goes out to you and yours

ladyforsaken said:

That always happens doesn't it?

It happened when I told my friends about my illness. In my mind I visualised it like they hear it and then slowly back away trying not to let me notice.

I don't have any close friends in real life anymore since then. Except my one best friend, but she's moved away so I'm pretty much solo here.

Anyway, it's kinda sad, but just how it is I guess? I haven't figured out the explanation for this. Always settled with the reasoning: they don't know how to handle a friend with an illness. Or that they just find it a hassle, having to show sympathy (which isn't what I'm looking for to be honest). Maybe it's a similar case with you telling them about your mother. They don't know how to deal with it.. or don't want to.

I'm sorry about your mother's serious illness. I hope she'll get better. :\

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Unfortunately, it's incurable. The only thing is to hope the progression is slow and to keep her active as possible. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed she'll have many more happy years left.

I'm sorry to hear about the reactions your friends had to you. I hope you keep in touch with your best friend. *hugs*

Most people cannot handle being faced with illness because it reminds them of their mortality I think. One time, my grandmother was in the hospital and I was the ONLY person who went and visited her. I can understand people backing away, but not forever, and not when I'm asking for please, please, say something. Even, "I'm sorry to hear the news" is fine.

edamame721 said:

Unfortunately, it's incurable. The only thing is to hope the progression is slow and to keep her active as possible. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed she'll have many more happy years left.

I'm sorry to hear about the reactions your friends had to you. I hope you keep in touch with your best friend. *hugs*

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I'm sorry that it's incurable.

Sending her my bestest wishes and hope she hangs in there with as much strength as she can. I'll keep her in my thoughts, yeah. I always feel that any little positive thought counts and helps.

And thank you, we keep in touch, but it's just not the same anymore. We used to hang out a lot, together, she can make me laugh non-stop at her insanity and how we always get each other telepathically, we don't even have to say anything, just give each other a look and we'd know we're thinking the same things. It's amazing to have a connection with someone like that.. but she's not around so, it's just not the same. And the contact is becoming less and less now, since she's really busy. (Anyway this is rambling off topic stuff, sorry!) *hugs*

edamame721 said:

Most people cannot handle being faced with illness because it reminds them of their mortality I think. One time, my grandmother was in the hospital and I was the ONLY person who went and visited her. I can understand people backing away, but not forever, and not when I'm asking for please, please, say something. Even, "I'm sorry to hear the news" is fine.

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That's just not right. If a loved one of mine is sick and is bed ridden or in a hospital, I'd try to be around as much as I can. You never know, life is short, I'd not want to miss the opportunities I have with that person, even if it hurts me to see them that way. But I think it would help, just being around. And yeah, I agree.. sometimes even a simple statement to acknowledge or show care and concern is good enough.

Sorry to hear this. This is the time you kinda need people the most, and if they cant spend time exchanging a few texts or even a simple phone call then you have to wonder what they're there for. The good times only? I doubt I'd want people around who only give a honeysuckle when things are going well, because life is never that great an stuffs gonna happen at some point.

So do you want these people around whenever honeysuckle goes bad?

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and I hope that she has many more years left. She is lucky to have you there to care about her and to love her.
Many of us here have had fair weather friends, who disappear at the first hint of problems. It does hurt a lot when people turn away when you need them.
A good online friend is as good as a face to face friend. I never used to think like this till a cyberfriendship I have made has become worth its weight in gold. So maybe you could develop some of those online contatcs you have with people who are caring towards you. And any of us on here will give you support and care.

Sorry for what you're both about to go through. My mother endured chemotherapy for 5 1/2 years. When I mentioned this to a few old friends/acquaintances who contacted me online there were mainly apathetic responses with no real enquiry about the situation. The sad reality is that some people have no interest in conversation that's not entertaining and don't seem to care. You never know, a couple of may surprise and ask you about it in future though.

Sorry to hear your mum's illness is incurable edamame, it must be an extremely difficult thing for your mum, yourself & other family members to have to come to terms with.

I guess all you can do is make the most of the time you have together, it might seem little consolation but to have the love of your mum must be a wonderful thing.
That's really all any of us can ever do thought isn't it, try to make the most of what we have while it's there. I think maybe this brings us back to the issue of your friends retreating from you at a time when you would appreciate a bit of support....many folks don't deal well with being reminded of their own mortality as you rightly point out, however, maybe being reminded of others immortality around them is something they find difficult to deal with too.

There is also the possibility that some people back away because they are afraid they wont know what to say, or are afraid to say the wrong thing, so avoid having to say anything, when in actual fact all you really want is for them to be the way they have always been with you.

Much love & energy to you & your mum.

Edamame, all my best wishes for your mom, it's very terrible to hear that it is such a serious illness, I really pray that it will be as slow as possible.
I know it is not my place to say, but together with "normal" therapies please look into alternative therapies, like nutrition, acupuncture etc, I was diagnosed with an incurable problem doomed to spend my life in a bed and instead I have almost a life, although I am sure I got lucky. Anyway, many don't think that small things like diet changes or magnetic fields or chemical pollution (just to mention a few) can make a big change but some times they do. Don't hate me for bothering you please!

About your post, conventional friendships that don't come from a deep connection of the heart tend to dissolve as soon as one is sick, most people just can't deal with that. It's a fact of life, very sad but there isn't much to do about it, except maybe giving a good example of acceptance to the next generations.
In our society everything that is sickness and sadness must disappear,and we are trained since birth to feel uneasy in front of these events. I don't think it's much consolation, but it's not personal or out of cold heart, it's because of their training.

I had that twice, once some years ago with the above mentioned illness, after less than 6 months I didn't have one soul to speak with, and this year when I made the wrong choices and accepted "conventional" friendships, the "how is it, wanna go to the cinema tonight, see you around" kind, not from the heart, and I was at home alone with pneumonia for two months without even as much as a phone call, and one ***** (forgive my french) after she'd asked me to go out and I answered " can't I have pneumonia" managed to reply: oh, that is such a drag! and then disappeared.

Peaches said:

oh, that is such a drag! and then disappeared.

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This is predictable behavior nowadays and also why I choose not to have friends. It is very difficult to find genuineness in others.

edamame721 said:

Most people cannot handle being faced with illness because it reminds them of their mortality I think. One time, my grandmother was in the hospital and I was the ONLY person who went and visited her. I can understand people backing away, but not forever, and not when I'm asking for please, please, say something. Even, "I'm sorry to hear the news" is fine.

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I'm sorry about your Mom's health, and I hope she does have many more years of life ahead of her.

This reminds me of times when I might post something on Facebook where I am down in the dumps. Nobody "Likes" these posts because they either don't want to deal with my depression or they feel that hitting "Like" is agreeing with my low mood, and they think that'd be wrong. But it's like no one wants to face the fact that bad things happen to good people. Then, I'll write a post about saving a rabbit, or how I passed a health exam with flying colors, or that I am really happy about something, and the "Likes" flood in. I often wonder to myself, "Where were you people when I really needed you?"

That's probably why I don't spend a great deal of energy on the people who are only there for me when the good times are happening. My best friends are there for me no matter what. My only advice to you, edamame, is to cultivate the friends who *do* respond to you when you have bad news. These are your true friends. And if they are primarily online friends, so what? Make these people your offline friends, as well.

I've lost a lot of people when I share bad news. My family wants told that I'm to negative and I bring people down with my problems. An ex support worker said people don't want to be burdened with my woes and they fear I will become needy and want to much help. I even get ignored in support groups because my problems are seen as to big.

I need to talk about how I feel because if I don't, my body starts to suffer stress reactions, chest pains, stomach aches etc. It's funny though because whenever anyone wants to share their hard times with me I'm always there for them. I feel honored that someone wants to confide in me.

I'm sorry about your mum. At least people on here want to listen and won't turn you away.

I'm not saying that I have all of the answers, but I'm pretty sure nobody else does.

Our modern world has turned into this hypercompetitive, individualistic place where everybody believes they themselves will have the perfect life and live forever. Nobody imagines themselves to actually do poorly or get ill, and nobody wants to tend to the ill, they just dump them on hospitals and nursing homes which compound the problem through expensive treatments.

Having said that though, it's also a fault of society at large, because we have forced inflation and these impossible decisions on people. So I think people see illness in others and think (ok, this is going to drag me down and bankrupt me) and they may be right.

So it's this impossible choice: tend to the ill and be bankrupted and your entire life spent on them, or avoid them. People choose the latter.

Watch people walking down the street.
What are they doing?
Looking into their smartphones.
That's all you need to know.

I think whether you know someone well or not, you can spend 5 minutes to do that. The trouble is that a lot of people don't know what to say or how to handle the situation.

The truth is of course that most people aren't going to have time to spend weeks helping you through it unless they're your best friend and not overly busy.

Unfortunately what's nice isn't always what's realistic.

Peaches said:

Anyway, many don't think that small things like diet changes or magnetic fields or chemical pollution (just to mention a few) can make a big change but some times they do.

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They make a defining difference (personal experience with many health conditions).