Stagnate life filled with rejections

I'm having a bad time of things right and nothing ever changes or gets better.

Right now on top of actively seeking a romantic relationship, I'm looking for a new job. I'm employed but in an underpaying job with no chance of advancement. Today I got yet another email about a job I interviewed for but didn't get. So I'm even more bummed than normal.

Although they never give real help, I read a lot of self-help books, articles, and blogs. All of them pretty much say the same thing about how to get your life out of being stagnate... actively seek out new things and make the change happen. Many also say things never stay the same and change is inevitable. However, in my life nothing changes or very little does despite my efforts. I've been looking for someone to share my life with for my whole adult life. I've had the same job for 9 years, been looking for a better one for 6 of those years.

I had someone tell me the same "nothing stays the same" bullcrap and I asked her what had changed in the 5 years she's known me? She had to admit that I was still looking for a better job, a life partner, and to move away from where I live. And that I've done everything I can think of to make change happen, not sitting back waiting for it to magically happen.

The other thing I read about why we get stuck is we are afraid of change or getting out of our comfort zone(s). Yet, I embrace change and want it very much but it never comes. I have joined hobby clubs, joined a gym, attend events, applied for jobs in different cities, volunteer, travel, get out of the house (I'm rarely home most weekends).

At this point, I still do almost everything alone and I really don't have the energy (or money) to keep up this pace. But how else can I change me life? There's no way for me to move to a new area without a job first. The people I have met at these clubs still don't include me in a lot of things even though I've expressed interest. I've joined about every things I can think of locally to "get out" but nothing seems to help change come about or meeting people.

Any ideas to unstuck my life?

Dear writerChick I wish I had some good ideas to suggest you - in fact I went one step beyond you, and moved not just job and house but also city and country several times (7 cities, 4 countries), and yet everything stayed the same, at least with regards to the important things.
The self help stuff, which I am also very much into (argh, my english, this turn of sentence is difficult!), say to change oneself first. I did that too, compared to 10, 15 years ago I am told I am unrecognizable, and yet things are more or less the same (although I get many more invitations to parties).

I don't know what to say, very curious to hear what others will suggest.

For my case, at this point I start blaming karma/destiny and also possibly my personal difficulties in establishing emotional connections with people, especially guys.

Peaches said:

Dear writerChick I wish I had some good ideas to suggest you - in fact I went one step beyond you, and moved not just job and house but also city and country several times (7 cities, 4 countries), and yet everything stayed the same, at least with regards to the important things.
The self help stuff, which I am also very much into (argh, my english, this turn of sentence is difficult!), say to change oneself first. I did that too, compared to 10, 15 years ago I am told I am unrecognizable, and yet things are more or less the same (although I get many more invitations to parties).

I don't know what to say, very curious to hear what others will suggest.

For my case, at this point I start blaming karma/destiny and also possibly my personal difficulties in establishing emotional connections with people, especially guys.

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I'm with Peaches on this one, too (don't know what to say). WC has done just about everything possible...that many suggest for those who are alone and want to meet someone...and still it just hasn't clicked.

I know the feeling, I'm just looking for someone to hang out with on the weekends...yard sales, flea markets, grab a bite to eat, movies, etc...and yet, even posting an ad here and there I get no bites. I've given up. I hate to sound negative, but maybe some of us are just destined to be alone. I give you a lot of credit, as you've at least gone out and tried various ways to meet someone...some people complain but never do anything about it.

Maybe, just maybe WC, as you mentioned about looking for a new job...say you get one in a different location, maybe it might fall into place there? I say this because I've lived up north and had much better luck with women there as opposed to this honeysuckle town I'm in. A new location could be the ticket...yeah, yeah, easier than done. Other than that, I'm at a loss for things to try, since you've done all of the things that come to mind.

Oh yeah, the produce section of your local grocer...I hear wonderful things about such places

I was hoping a change in location would help find people and activities I like but it's a Catch 22. Can't move until I get a job there, can't get a job there because I'm not local. To top it off, I'm lossing local jobs to out of state people. I'm just ready to call it quits and just be miserable and stop trying anything. It will be cheaper at least

writerchick said:

Right now on top of actively seeking a romantic relationship, I'm looking for a new job. I'm employed but in an underpaying job with no chance of advancement. Today I got yet another email about a job I interviewed for but didn't get. So I'm even more bummed than normal.

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I think in the bolded print is a big part of your problem. Actively seeking will often not pay off, because people can sense it. Urgency will translate into your body language, your tone of voice, even your mannerisms. I'd bet you probably look tense a lot, but don't realize it.

Jobs will generally need lots of initiative, it's a shame it hasn't paid off for you yet. Relationships however are the opposite. You shouldn't seek, you should let it happen. Go out and live your life, and someone *will* come around. But you have to relax and be patient.

What is your job, writerchick? And what sort of jobs are you looking for?

WC- I am in a similar situation to you. Have tried for a long time to change my life by going out, mixing more etc, but I keep ending up in the same place I started. I don't know what the answer is but wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in this.

Batman55 said:

writerchick said:

Right now on top of actively seeking a romantic relationship, I'm looking for a new job. I'm employed but in an underpaying job with no chance of advancement. Today I got yet another email about a job I interviewed for but didn't get. So I'm even more bummed than normal.

Click to expand...

I think in the bolded print is a big part of your problem. Actively seeking will often not pay off, because people can sense it. Urgency will translate into your body language, your tone of voice, even your mannerisms. I'd bet you probably look tense a lot, but don't realize it.

Jobs will generally need lots of initiative, it's a shame it hasn't paid off for you yet. Relationships however are the opposite. You shouldn't seek, you should let it happen. Go out and live your life, and someone *will* come around. But you have to relax and be patient.

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So you're of the thinking that a relationship will just fall into my lap? There was a point in my life when I didn't look for anyone at all and it never happened either. I don't buy the it will happen when you don't look bs

Being an elder statesman on the forum, I can say, by personal experience, it makes NO difference whether you actively seek a romantic relationship, or whether you "let it occur without looking". I have endured both options. I can assert, however, the end result was much more painful while adopting the later. The loss of time (YEARS) plus the loss of the relationship when the girl / woman chose me first, when I was not actively "looking" caused much destruction of self esteem and confidence.

Just because someone is putting their mindset into actively seeking a partner, whether friendship, or romantic doesn't automatically imply a sense of desperation. One cannot assume that without knowing or meeting that person. Otherwise, it is just a vapid, moronic stereotype (I need someone = desperate loser).

I find myself in the same situation as writerchick. Since I lost my job, which I loved, nearly 5 years ago, I have been unable to find another job in a related position in my area. I've had to reinvent myself and get by as a self-employed guy. I want to relocate, but I would need to land a job somewhere. My age doesn't help matters, as there certainly is a prejudice against hiring older folks. I myself got edged out of a job because of that - a much younger person is more viable to a company / business.

ladyforsaken said:

What is your job, writerchick? And what sort of jobs are you looking for?

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I work in the library field. That's what I've been focusing on and in another state because there aren't jobs where I live now

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ABrokenMan said:

Being an elder statesman on the forum, I can say, by personal experience, it makes NO difference whether you actively seek a romantic relationship, or whether you "let it occur without looking". I have endured both options. I can assert, however, the end result was much more painful while adopting the later. The loss of time (YEARS) plus the loss of the relationship when the girl / woman chose me first, when I was not actively "looking" caused much destruction of self esteem and confidence.

Just because someone is putting their mindset into actively seeking a partner, whether friendship, or romantic doesn't automatically imply a sense of desperation. One cannot assume that without knowing or meeting that person. Otherwise, it is just a vapid, moronic stereotype (I need someone = desperate loser).

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I agree. It never just happened for me back then either.
I've been called desperate more times than I care to count because I'm open about wanting to find someone. But the self help books advise to tell your friends so if they know someone else they can introduce you. That hasn't happened either

writerchick said:

ladyforsaken said:

What is your job, writerchick? And what sort of jobs are you looking for?

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I work in the library field. That's what I've been focusing on and in another state because there aren't jobs where I live now

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Has there been a lot of openings though? That can be tough, I hope there are a lot of libraries there in the state where you're looking for work? But you mentioned you've been looking for 6 years and there hasn't been anything at all?

I often thought of returning to school to get a master's degree in Library Science.
But the jobs, while there, are fiercely competitive. I cannot afford to spend money I don't have, and more time back in school without some sort of guarantee of getting a decent paying position. Perhaps if I were 10 years younger, and the economy was robust.

Writerchick is correct, that field is very difficult to navigate for employment.

ladyforsaken said:

writerchick said:

ladyforsaken said:

What is your job, writerchick? And what sort of jobs are you looking for?

Click to expand...

I work in the library field. That's what I've been focusing on and in another state because there aren't jobs where I live now

Click to expand...

Has there been a lot of openings though? That can be tough, I hope there are a lot of libraries there in the state where you're looking for work? But you mentioned you've been looking for 6 years and there hasn't been anything at all?

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The area where I'm looking now has more and larger libraries than where I live now. When I was in library school they painted a rosy picture of the job market with all of the baby boomers retiring. What actually happened was libraries didn't fill the retiring person?s position. It's happened where I work currently. The largest public library sysyem here is in main financial trouble and the tax levy has been voted down twice.

I've had a few interviews in that time but I never get the job offer. In the past month I've had 4 interviews only to find the jobs were filled internally

ABrokenMan said:

Writerchick is correct, that field is very difficult to navigate for employment.

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Even with the help of employment agencies? I always hear people talk about using these agencies for help.. I'm not sure how they work though. I've never used one before, I do my own applications for jobs so.. not sure how agencies help or if they are helpful at all.

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writerchick said:

The area where I'm looking now has more and larger libraries than where I live now. When I was in library school they painted a rosy picture of the job market with all of the baby boomers retiring. What actually happened was libraries didn't fill the retiring person?s position. It's happened where I work currently. The largest public library sysyem here is in main financial trouble and the tax levy has been voted down twice.

I've had a few interviews in that time but I never get the job offer. In the past month I've had 4 interviews only to find the jobs were filled internally

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Ah I see now... ****, I'm sorry, writerchick. Wish I could be more helpful here. :\

Employment agencies don't care about you as a job seeker.
They only "find" you a job and they get their cut.
Problem is, 99% of jobs listed with employment agencies are either temporary, not full time, or a combination of both.
Which is fine, but when you are seeking something stable, in your field, it can become a hassle having to keep finding a job every 3 / 6 / 9 months.

I agree with A Broken Man on the subject of looking/not looking for a relationship. I look for one because, if I stopped looking, I would feel later on that I had wasted time when maybe I could have found someone if I hadn't stopped looking.
And I like the way that ABM has also written that looking for someone does not make us desperate losers. It simply makes us human.

Tiina63 said:

I agree with A Broken Man on the subject of looking/not looking for a relationship. I look for one because, if I stopped looking, I would feel later on that I had wasted time when maybe I could have found someone if I hadn't stopped looking.
And I like the way that ABM has also written that looking for someone does not make us desperate losers. It simply makes us human.

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<3 Tiina63
This is what I tell people too. It's a normal human thing to desire.

writerchick said:

Tiina63 said:

I agree with A Broken Man on the subject of looking/not looking for a relationship. I look for one because, if I stopped looking, I would feel later on that I had wasted time when maybe I could have found someone if I hadn't stopped looking.
And I like the way that ABM has also written that looking for someone does not make us desperate losers. It simply makes us human.

Click to expand...

<3 Tiina63
This is what I tell people too. It's a normal human thing to desire.

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yes but is it worth it if it's making people so unhappy ?

writerchick said:

So you're of the thinking that a relationship will just fall into my lap? There was a point in my life when I didn't look for anyone at all and it never happened either. I don't buy the it will happen when you don't look bs

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If you don't agree with the concept, that's fine. But that's exactly what seems to work for a lot of people. It is very common advice and there has to be something to it.

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Triple Bogey said:

yes but is it worth it if it's making people so unhappy ?

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This I agree with. It's very easy to beat yourself up over something you want but can't immediately have. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you cannot "force" things to happen deliberately.

While it may seem like wasting time, learning to become more relaxed about things, and optimistic no matter what happens, is I think the better approach. Thinking about one's unfulfilled desire leads to pessimism and self-loathing, and that has never, ever helped anything for me. It only makes sense to try a different way, adjust thinking processes, and such.

Batman55 said:

Triple Bogey said:

yes but is it worth it if it's making people so unhappy ?

Click to expand...

This I agree with. It's very easy to beat yourself up over something you want but can't immediately have. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you cannot "force" things to happen deliberately.

While it may seem like wasting time, learning to become more relaxed about things, and optimistic no matter what happens, is I think the better approach. Thinking about one's unfulfilled desire leads to pessimism and self-loathing, and that has never, ever helped anything for me. It only makes sense to try a different way, adjust thinking processes, and such.

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If you can "adjust" your thinking via this "i can't have a relationship" concept, why not other things? Why then are you hanging around on ALL? Your life must be quite jolly - if so, goody for you.

"adjustment" theory is total bunk, as far as my life is concerned. I've been doing it all my life, trying not to care, focus, or just plain old ignore feelings of loneliness. and it doesn't work. You also seem to imply that people who are searching for a relationship do not like themselves. Perhaps being lonely for long periods of time (decade, etc.) has bearing on that.
The desire to long for human companionship is natural/ normal. The problem lies when those needs are not being met. Simply willing them away is not normal. Lord knows, i have tried, and it makes me feel even worse.
Human beings are not "one size fits all.