Always rejected

I suppose this is a "my story" type thing and while parts probably fit in other sections, it's definitely a lack of social life that is the biggest issue. Overall it's something that's getting gradually worse as it's basically worn down all the options and hope available to me.

I never had many friends in school, but I was happy enough with what I had and they were good friends. I've always suffered from social anxiety and low self esteem as I was made fun of in high school, so when I was 17 and finished high school, my friends went off to university in different parts of the country and I didn't really get the grades I wanted to, so had to go to college (I'm in the UK, so community college equivalent for the US I think). My main class was in accounting, everybody was a lot older than me and whenever I'd ask if I could hang around with someone at lunch, they'd make an excuse as to not do it. My other course was in personal finance, where I made 2 friends which was a bit better. In accounting, I struggled a lot in the final year (which I failed) and when it came to exams I had a mental block. I was always pretty down and thought I was just feeling sorry for myself.

After college, I ended up with a very bad, low paid, job and 1 of my 2 friends went off to university so I only had 1 friend remaining. Every time I would try and talk to somebody, they would dismiss me and make reasons to not talk. Next 5 years my one friend was always busy, I'd maybe see him 2 or 3 times a year. This was the extent of my social interaction. People I would try talk to, girls who I was interested in, shot me down every time and I was really starting to let the rejection get to me.

I eventually started getting thoughts of self harm and saw my doctor. She said it does seem like I have depression, not just feeling sorry for myself, and put me on some medication and gave me a therapist to see once a week. I thought things might get better. I saw my therapist for 2 years, he tried to help me with talking to people, how to cope, etc. But ultimately whenever I tried to talk to people, it was the same story, I got rejected. 2 years of therapy were over and I am in no way better off, instead I now just don't have the hope that therapy will help me for the better.

One of the biggest things that upsets me is I've never had a girlfriend. I've never even had a friend that's a girl. I've probably asked out 200 or so girls over 10 years, all of whom have not been interested. I've tried online dating, never received a message and tried apps like tinder but have only gotten 1 match (from an escort!). People always tell me that there's nothing wrong with how I look, or how I am. But how can this be the case when I have been rejected by 100% of girls I ask out and pretty much everyone I approach? "Try to think more positively" is something that my therapist would often say, or that I need to be happy with myself before other people will be. But I just don't see how I can be happy with me, when clearly something is wrong.

It's frustrating that I have a crap job, but that's just a problem for a lot of people. But I've seen my 1 friend 2 times this year, that's it. I've never had a friend who's a girl, never held hands or kissed a girl, nothing. I have no idea how to meet people when people always reject me.

Apologies if this started to get a bit "ranty", but 10 years of trying to meet people has really taken it's toll and when I saw my doctor what the next step after therapy is, she basically said there isn't one and it's disheartening.

Thanks for reading.

I can see why you would be disheartened. Being alone is not much fun, is it? Nor can it be very helpful to be told that their isn't a net step. Did the therapist manage to suggest anything useful over the two years your saw him?

I guess that, like most things, it comes down to (i) what do you want? and (ii) how are you going to get it? If you have a clear idea of what you want (a better job, a girl friend) then you can make a plan. i think, also, that however much therapy may help, or whatever useful suggestions you may get from self help books and the like (and I am not knocking all that) ultimately it is down to you. No one else can plan, let alone live, your life for you (though plenty of people try).

Anyway, now I am starting to rant too! I am not sure if I have anything useful to say, but there we are.

There is always a next step. If you're alive you can always do something about your situation. Wow this sounds like an exact description of my life, only I'm 24, not sure how old you are. Like you I've never kissed or even held hands with a girl. It helps to know others are in the same situation, but I hope it changes for us both soon.

I don't want to sound like I'm above you.

1. Therapists and doctors aren't there to fix you, they help you with what you need to do. If you had a broken bone, the doctor may give you a cast and some instructions on how to let it heal properly. You have to do the rest. If it was a wound, you make sure that you don't reopen the wound, avoid certain activities, etc.

2. Stop trying to get a girlfriend and just be friends with anyone, girls will come on their own. A relationship is about the other person. Sounds to me you are wanting a girlfriend for YOU.

3. Want friends? Be a friend. Sure the world can be centered around you. If that's the case then you'd have to realize that having yourself as the center is very difficult. It's a little weird though, it is about you but at the same time it isn't.

There's no such thing as a just world. By chance alone, some people are going to have long strings of horrible luck that are probably the equivalent of being a double or triple lottery winner and there's nothing to be done about it. Maybe on top of it they're just poor at advertising themselves, which only makes it harder to capitalize on any opportunities to meet people. There's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with me, at least nothing that isn't wrong with those who are successful. We're not worse human beings, but because people like us are always trying to improve our supposed wrongdoings and imperfections we may come to believe that we are because our life has been spent trying to earn what most people don't really have to work for.

Be wary of listening to any version of the just world fallacy. If people can't find a reason for your suffering, they'll outright make one up for you. Don't take the bait.

Thanks for the replies.

Regumika said:

I don't want to sound like I'm above you.

1. Therapists and doctors aren't there to fix you, they help you with what you need to do. If you had a broken bone, the doctor may give you a cast and some instructions on how to let it heal properly. You have to do the rest. If it was a wound, you make sure that you don't reopen the wound, avoid certain activities, etc.

2. Stop trying to get a girlfriend and just be friends with anyone, girls will come on their own. A relationship is about the other person. Sounds to me you are wanting a girlfriend for YOU.

3. Want friends? Be a friend. Sure the world can be centered around you. If that's the case then you'd have to realize that having yourself as the center is very difficult. It's a little weird though, it is about you but at the same time it isn't.

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I'm not sure I understand this though. I didn't expect my therapist to "fix" me, I wasn't aware I was broken anyway, even if I feel that way. But the entire purpose of him was to focus on my main problem - not being able to make friends. He basically gave me a number of things to do in order to make friends, these did not work.

I'm 27 and I've not spent the last 10 years trying to force a girlfriend, between the ages of 17-19 and 25-27 I have tried harder in that regard (with the latter being what the therapist said to do), but what about between the ages of 19-25? I never really "forced" anything, I tried to make friends and people aren't interested. No girl "came on her own" as you put it.

I'm not sure what you mean by "be a friend" honestly. How can you be a friend to someone who wants nothing to do with you? This is what scared me. Getting friends or a girlfriend is out of my hands. If people want nothing to do with me, they want nothing to do with me. I wasted most of my adult life so far trying to just let things happen, and they didn't. Not a single person made any effort to talk to me, so why would I then not try to be the one to instigate things?

I truly do not understand what I am doing wrong and why nobody likes me.

I'm in a similar boat. Though it seems to be confined to just girls. I have a small group of friends that I've had for years, so there's that. But no matter how much I have in common with a girl, no matter how much we can talk, no matter how much they claim to like the things I say and claim to like talking to me, it's never enough to break through.

I mean, I guess an objective look at myself shows that I really don't have a lot to offer, that I don't have a strong, exciting identity. I've seen and heard stories of great personal transformation, and how people have completely changed who they were and what they were able to do. I think that I'll just work on myself and try to fix all the things that could be red flags with me, that I'll try to fix all of what I know is wrong with me. But even then, I have no guarantee that it will get me any closer to what I want. That's what keeps me from really working hard at anything, especially personal transformation - the fear that I will spend my whole life trying and trying and trying and never getting anywhere. I just worry that I'll never figure out what I need to change, that nothing I do will make any difference.

That last bit really sums it up well for me. Depression obviously causes problems and it makes it hard for me to just accept rejection, especially when it's constant. But the drive to keep on trying when it feels like nothing is working, and may never work, is really upsetting.

Regumika said:

I don't want to sound like I'm above you.

1. Therapists and doctors aren't there to fix you, they help you with what you need to do. If you had a broken bone, the doctor may give you a cast and some instructions on how to let it heal properly. You have to do the rest. If it was a wound, you make sure that you don't reopen the wound, avoid certain activities, etc.

2. Stop trying to get a girlfriend and just be friends with anyone, girls will come on their own. A relationship is about the other person. Sounds to me you are wanting a girlfriend for YOU.

3. Want friends? Be a friend. Sure the world can be centered around you. If that's the case then you'd have to realize that having yourself as the center is very difficult. It's a little weird though, it is about you but at the same time it isn't.

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Tough love approach, mate... dunno if that's what he needed to hear. He's got quite the fragile ego now, after what he's experienced.

You've had a lot of negative experiences, maybe you need to stop asking women out for while and give yourself a break from rejection. Concentrate on finding better friends, taking courses, increasing your career prospects, or just enjoy life for a change and stop being so hard on yourself.

I was very unpopular at school, hassled a lot and didn't do well either. I'm only now on track with a career at 35 and the mainly male friends I have are via work.

I did stop trying to force things for a while, but nothing came my way. If I just left things as they are, nothing would improve. Nobody, for whatever reason, has made any kind of effort to get to know me, so it's down to me doing that and it's not working. As for enjoying life, it's very difficult to do on your own. At least in my experience.

Kurt87 said:

I'm not sure I understand this though. I didn't expect my therapist to "fix" me, I wasn't aware I was broken anyway, even if I feel that way. But the entire purpose of him was to focus on my main problem - not being able to make friends. He basically gave me a number of things to do in order to make friends, these did not work.

I'm 27 and I've not spent the last 10 years trying to force a girlfriend, between the ages of 17-19 and 25-27 I have tried harder in that regard (with the latter being what the therapist said to do), but what about between the ages of 19-25? I never really "forced" anything, I tried to make friends and people aren't interested. No girl "came on her own" as you put it.

I'm not sure what you mean by "be a friend" honestly. How can you be a friend to someone who wants nothing to do with you? This is what scared me. Getting friends or a girlfriend is out of my hands. If people want nothing to do with me, they want nothing to do with me. I wasted most of my adult life so far trying to just let things happen, and they didn't. Not a single person made any effort to talk to me, so why would I then not try to be the one to instigate things?

I truly do not understand what I am doing wrong and why nobody likes me.

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I apologize if my reply wasn't very clear. What I'm trying to say is, you find things when you are not looking for it. Like that saying "a watched pot never boils." We would also have to stop thinking "she could be my girlfriend."

"Not a single person made any effort to talk to me, so why would I then not try to be the one to instigate things?" This attitude here is the problem. Let's turn it around, why would anyone instigate anything with you if you aren't going to make an effort? We get a stalemate with that thought. Let's step back a little.. Why would anyone take their time to answer your thread? But look, look at all these people taking their time to respond to you. I'm sure you can't say "nobody likes me." anymore.

Let's try something else. Browse through the forum and comment on other people's threads and talk about the other person. Share some of your knowledge and experience.

Batman55 - I know it sounded a little tough =/ But I think he can handle it. Actually, he is doing a great job!

Regumika said:

"Not a single person made any effort to talk to me, so why would I then not try to be the one to instigate things?" This attitude here is the problem. Let's turn it around, why would anyone instigate anything with you if you aren't going to make an effort? We get a stalemate with that thought.

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Isn't that contradicting what you said, though?

I pointed out that I made the effort to talk to people, tried to make friends, meet girls, etc. which is the point of my title, you can't get rejected if you don't try. Your reply was that I should not "force things" as such, and let them happen. I replied to this saying that's what I did for 5 years and nobody made an effort to get to know me, I tried to "let things happen" and nothing happened. Now you're saying why would they happen if I don't try... do you see the problem? I've tried both approaches for years and neither have really warranted any results. I have 1 friend, who I've seen twice in 2014 and that's it. As a 27 year old, that's a problem IMO. The source of my frustration is that nothing has worked, no matter I've tried. I've taken advice of therapists, experts and "regular people" alike.

As for giving others advice, if I had any, I would. I'd hate to suggest something that makes another feel worse. Given my situation, I clearly don't have any working suggestions.

Okay, I can see where the misunderstanding is now. Right, from the words I used it does sound like I'm contradicting myself, that's my fault.

When I said don't "force things" and "let things happen" I don't exactly mean what it is being translated to. Like how you are talking to me now - You would never consider me a romantic possibility, right? Talk to everyone like you are talking to me. So when I say "let things happen" I don't mean don't do anything. You still do things, you're just not 'forcing' it to be a relationship, let that happen on it's own. I'm not saying that you haven't tried that already. But there might be room for adjustment to the way that it's being done. Perhaps the word I'm looking for is "tact"?

You don't have advice? You're 27, a lot has happened. I saw a quote recently and I'm going to paraphrase it (since I can't remember the exact quote) - I'm not giving advice because I'm experienced and know what what works, I'm giving advice because I know what doesn't work. That quote made me look at advice from a different perspective. Sure there are still people that would give you advice because they know what works, but there are also those that will give you advice not because they know they are right but because they know what is wrong.

You don't have to have all the right answers to give advice, to share your experience, to voice your opinion. You know what else? "I don't know" is an acceptable answer too. You know why? If enough people honestly said "I don't know" to a situation, maybe the situation doesn't have an answer and we just need to let it play out. You have a lot more to offer than you think, Kurt.

The tough aspect of life: there is not going to be someone for everyone, like we are brainwashed into believing from childhood.
Those who argue differently are trying to be overly optimistic (besides, who wants to receive / read pessimistic reaffirmations- not me).
I'm just being pragmatic here.

Sad to say, there are some of us who will not find "the one", no matter how hard we try or even find a bit of happiness with a significant other. It doesn't matter if you decide to follow the let it happen philosophy, or be proactive and go seek on your own.

From my experience, being above ground for 5 decades, the only times I ever had a chance at a relationship was when the girl / woman approached the potential of being more than just friends. It has never worked when I tried to approach (get to know her), suggest a potential relationship (to someone I knew) or follow the let things happen modus operandi. But that's me.

That said, if you desire something, I believe you have to make the effort. Waiting around is not the answer.

It is hard when you don't seem to be getting anywhere with people - I can relate to that. You said that you have a pretty bad, low paid job. Have you tried getting another one? Or moving towns? Easier said than done, I know but have you ever considered or looked into it as an option? I know that it probably wont solve the problem but if you aren't happy with your job, you should definitely try and get out of it and it could help.

Try being selfish. Stop thinking about what people may or may not think of you and do what you want to (legal, of course ). Improve your situation for you, not to impress anyone else or to try to attract a partner. You're the only one that can do it.

I understand the frustration of not being able to find a partner (I'm the same and I would love a boyfriend) but having one will not solve anything and would probably end up being a disastrous relationship unless you manage to alter your outlook.

I know it's difficult. I have been there and it does take alot of hard work but it does work.

I am trying to be more selfish these days, even in my job hunt. I had a slightly better paid job, but it was making me feel worse so I quit. A job worsening my depression was not worth the money. So I am being a little more picky with the jobs I'm applying for, but I am still applying for a good amount per week. I'm trying not to let this get me down, but money is an issue still (living at home, unable to save, etc).

I've definitely also started to do things to make me feel better about me. I'm hoping something comes of it, because being alone is really upsetting. It's hard to even put in to words how it feels.

Kurt87 said:

I've definitely also started to do things to make me feel better about me. I'm hoping something comes of it, because being alone is really upsetting. It's hard to even put in to words how it feels.

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I think that's the right idea. Find or do something that makes you feel better about yourself in a healthy way. This way you can get the focus off the problems you're having and reduce the negativity you've got going here, which is very obvious in your posts. That's a step in the right direction.

I do find it very difficult to wrap my head around the fact that you went to therapy for two years and did not either identify your problems or improve in some way. We're missing a huge part of your story, so it's difficult to understand your situation fully.

People don't avoid other people for no reason. There are loads of reasons I might avoid being friends with someone, but when considering your problem, I don't know what you may or may not be doing to facilitate this pattern of people choosing not to be friends with you.

What did the therapist say was the matter, and what were the solutions you tried?

In therapy he suggested ways of meeting people, how to talk to people, that kind of thing. Because I'd got in to a position where I felt I wasn't good enough for others. I suppose when I look at it objectively, why would someone want to talk to some random they don't know if they're fine and happy with their life? Maybe most people have a group of friends already, they're happy with that.

If it's something I am doing wrong, then I'm in trouble, because neither I nor nobody else knows what that is.