How do you cope with being alone?

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Erevetot

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I'm not gonna post my life story again, but in brief, for the last 3 years I've been alone. I've locked everyone out and it was working for a long time, I acted strong and fine, and spent time reading books, watching series and movies and playing video games. I cant take it anymore though. For about 7 months now, I've been extremely lonely.
I faced the fact I'm alone, that the friends I got barely care about me, and while we may go out for the ocassional drink, I'm more of a burden to them than good. They both have their studies, jobs and girls, and I'm a mess, I used to advice them and help them with girls and stuff in the past, now I'm in no mental condition to do so. I feel useless to them.
My family? They barely care if I'm alive, when I'm trying to talk to them, about anything, they are too busy and too tired for me.

So I wasted my life in video games. Found a community, found a group and spent days and months in it. Then me and a woman from there fell in love, broke up, and I left the community.



When I try to make friends, or at least interact with people, it feels like I'm an annoyance to them. 3 weeks ago my friends girl invited us out for her birthday. Me and my friend were the only men, and we were with 6 women. According to my friend's girl, they were all free, and 2 of them told her they like me. I tried to talk to them, no flirting, just casual chatting, but it felt like they replied to me just because they had to.
And that's how it feels everytime I try to make friends or just meet new people, so I just gave up

And I got nothing. I got no real friends. I have people to go out with once in a while, but it's completely temporary. I try to get my mind busy with stuff, cleaning and redecorating my room, cleaning my closet and getting rid of clothes etc, relaxing with music, trying to finish a book I started writing 4 years ago, but no matter what I do, something will remind me how alone I am.

So, this is a question to all of you, how do you cope with being alone and lonely?

Also, it's ironic how we're not alone on being alone
 
I'm to the point now where I'm okay with being alone. For a long time I wasn't, though, so I understand how you feel.
I can't really say how I coped with it before, other than I was angry all the time. I would take any excuse to argue or pick a fight and half the time I wasn't even aware of it. Doing that would make it MY fault and I would know it's not because of anyone else but me. It allowed me to not have to look at anything else going on in my life. Before the anger was another part of loneliness, but I won't get into that.

Anyway, my point is that you have to figure out what is causing yourself to hold yourself back. To see things that may not be true. Thinking you know why people respond the way they do, even if it's just a feeling, can make you insane. You can't know what's going on in another person's head. Do your best, be yourself and if it doesn't work out it just wasn't meant to happen.
 
Such coping comes naturally... well at least in my case. One day all that worrying and thinking will simply explode and you start not giving a **** and focus on things that need to be done. Takes a lot of time to happen though.
 
Being alone is OK. i like my alone time.
Being lonely, however - I am having a very difficult time
 
I think the more time I spent alone the less loneliness I experience...and if I get myself into the vicinity of the masses for a change, my decision to keep to myself feels more and more vindicated.

The only place where I feel close to comfortable around people is within my own family because they're mostly reasonable and kind.

If I'm forced to spend some time in public these days - for instance at school - I'm ungodly grateful for being able to return to my apartment afterwards. The smallest things about people annoy me, especially when it comes down to folks of the same age or folks younger than me...sometimes I get the feeling they have their heads so far up their asses they have no grasp of the honeysuckle coming out of their mouths anymore.

But I've grown tired of complaining so I just put my earphones in when I want to shut the world out...as if there's any use in telling people to shut the hell up if they have no understanding why they really ought to do that for a change. I've become an extremely patient man that way.

Aside from this mindset I don't spend my time any different than you did, Erevetot. Video games, movies, music and a book every now and then to keep my sanity...just that it's still working for me. Gotta wonder for how long though. I don't dedicate nearly as much time to video gaming than I used to. I was once part of a small community but that was 5-6 years ago...now I always play on my own for I fear to put too much time and effort into something which is fun, but ultimately just a time-killer.

I moved away from every single one of my former friends and there weren't many in the first place. There's not anybody there that would invite me somewhere or pick me up for a ride or something. I don't really miss all of this because there are always waves of responsibilities that come crashing down from that direction...and not all of us are willing or able to deal with this. I know that I'm not. I'd rather keep myself 'uncommitted' - or at least not committed to too many friendships at the same time.

Last but not least there are places like this forum. If I feel the need to get social, I know this is the right place to start...

Random off-topic question that kept me wondering for a while now:
Why did you choose the 'F**k her right in the p***y' guy as your avatar? :p
 
Rodent said:
Random off-topic question that kept me wondering for a while now:
Why did you choose the 'F**k her right in the p***y' guy as your avatar? :p

for some reason it was the only picture saved on my desktop when I made this account so I just picked it :p Will update it soon


OT, I completely understand you, and all of the rest that replied.
And to be honest, I'm jealous of you, that you're pulling through.

My problem is that I don't want to be lonely. For a long ass time, I lied to myself and accepted my loneliness. I forced myself to think it's fine, to believe that I dont mind. As I said I buried myself in video games and other sorts of entertainment to just fill my time. But at some point, I just snapped, I just can't take it anymore. While I never had 15 friends surrounding me like others do, I always had 1-2 people by my side, usually a friend or a girlfriend, and while I acted like I dont need them, I did, and they knew it. And for 3-4 years now, I don't have anyone. I know that I pushed the ones that were with me away. I broke down, and scared them away. I regret it, but accept it. I did it in the same way I just pushed away my latest relationship. And that's mainly the reason Im so freaked out now
As I was accepting the fact that I'll be lonely, as I thought Im fine with it, she comes in my life, gives me hope, messes me up and leaves.

So Im back at point 0, where I need to get used to that loneliness, that I so much hate
While Im trying to be strong again, to go "get them", i just cant.

I made the first step by contacing old friends. Most where too busy in work or with their relationships to meet up, or even chat for longer than 5 minutes. And I was casuall, I was not depressed or filling them with my honeysuckle, I was honestly asking how they've been and if they wanna meet up soon to catch up etc.

I also tried to attend my university classes again. Im supossed to graduate next year, and I need to pass 30+ classes until then. I completely abandoned it.
Now I tired attending again but my brain doestn want to accept any knowledge, and I just cant focus. I catch myself zoning out, thinking of how i miss my ex, or how all the people around me are having great lives, laughing with each other, while I sit here, melting in my own skin.

Im trying to talk to people, and it feels like they just talk to me to not be rude and then leave. And I know its not my appearence or something, im clean, not dirty or smelly, and Im not the prettiest, but im not ugly.

Im not asking for 10000s of friends, or to be "the popular kid". I just want a person to love me, and be with me. I may be spoiled as my most serious relationship so far was her supporting me on my weakest moment, being strong for both of us. But im weak, and thats what I need. Someone to be here for me, you know? I used to not connect with people, to see them just as someone I know and just not care. But now? Im caring, I love to love, and to support and help others, especially people that like me. And it feels like this is the reason Im alone, that im too nice. And yes, once more I'll use my last relationship as an example. While I was nice to her and loved her and cared, she barely wanted me. When i was an ass, ignoring her and being mean, she was chasing me like a dog chases its tail.


I love these forums, I really do. It has supported me more than enough so far, and while I'm not even close to cured, all the awesome peeps in here have helped me to at least keep it together.

anyways, if you actually read it all, you're a champ <3

/rant
 
Well if you say that you are back to square one, being in this forum means that you are already in square two. Who knows, you might find your loved one here. Doesn't matter whether the communication is by being face to face or by digital communication, it is a step to move forward. Some people decide to isolate themselves due to fear, be completely alone even if they don't want to and not to contact anyone in any shape and form.
 
DariusArgent said:
Well if you say that you are back to square one, being in this forum means that you are already in square two. Who knows, you might find your loved one here. Doesn't matter whether the communication is by being face to face or by digital communication, it is a step to move forward. Some people decide to isolate themselves due to fear, be completely alone even if they don't want to and not to contact anyone in any shape and form.

I already made a great friend in these forums, she's helped me A LOT, and tbh is one of the reasons I'm still here, and I'm trying instead of giving up.

My posts may seem like I gave up all hope or that i just do nothing to change my shitty situation, but for me it's actually a step forward. I've kept it to myself all this time, and to talk about it and ask for help, even from total strangers is my way of facing it. I'm determined to change it. I'm not strong enough, but I'm determined to put my life back on track (if it ever was) and get out of my small protective shell.
 
I think I'm slowly starting to lose my energy/sanity. My positive attitude/optimism is going away too. And I get the feeling I'm not going to live to be very old. Dunno why, just a feeling that I seem to be getting a lot lately.
 
You have to know how to amuse yourself. Three years in a funk like you describe is barely a blip to some people.

Of course, that doesn't make everything alright. Complacency plays a role in my coping mechanisms. or futility, i'm not sure which.

Get a hobby and a pet.
 
Erevetot said:
I already made a great friend in these forums, she's helped me A LOT, and tbh is one of the reasons I'm still here, and I'm trying instead of giving up.

That's good to hear. I wasn't that fortunate with such experience while being here (for now at least)
 
My attempts at coping with loneliness have changed drastically as I've gotten older. Not because it got any easier or I became wiser but because I just got to know myself a bit better when given the time alone. The coping just kinda followed suit naturally as I began finding new things that had previously remained undiscovered. I found out that I loved writing stories and ended up starting a reflective journal that gave me a sort of birds eye view of my mental state. It was such a gradual process for me but I managed to turn a lot of the times I felt lonely into to periods of self-exploration and growth that ultimately turned around and began to ease some of those lonely times.

It's hard to meet new people no matter what, you're always going to put yourself out there and for every great friend you find there will probably be 50 that weren't so great. I think the goal is to become less fixated on the concept of seeking company (Not that seeking company is bad, it isn't!) and simply find and do things that let you shine. You'd be surprised how many people just sort of...appear when you're in your element and the connections are more natural from my experience.

Hope this helps, keep your head up. :)
 
First of all, I don't think there's anyone who truly wants to be lonely. To me, loneliness always means that one's desire to get in touch with other people remains unfulfilled. Being alone...well, that's just being alone. Whether that's good or bad is subjective. But enough of the wordplay...

I've listened to your story and I highly doubt that the end of your latest relationship is all on you. Even if you had a different perspective regarding other people in the past I can see that you care for them now. But sometimes all of our attention and kindness are still not enough to uphold the connection to another person. We all have our own issues and we're not all compatible with each other. But if you fall in love head over heels you tend to overlook all these differences...but they always come back right at you later on.
Being "too nice" is only a problem if you ignore all your own needs to gain somebody's favor. It's all give and take though - but I'm sure you know that already...

Today I coincidently read some messages on my phone I had exchanged with an old female friend in early 2014. I was actually talking about how I was struggling with loneliness at the moment. Now I can't even remember to have written something like that...strange to witness how my own perspective changes.

I remember that I was still drinking the occasional beer after work once or twice a week then. For the past 10 months I had restricted myself to non-alcoholic drinks and now I'm starting again. But it's different. There's no depression afterwards, just a bit of relaxation. It's mostly about self-control - never ever go for the hard stuff. If you do, pick a safe environment with people that look out for you. I tried to drink my problems away all by myself just a couple of times but my brain never gave me a break. Quite the persistent *******...it has its advantages.


So, clearly it's not about drowning or ignoring your problems but it ain't about fixing everything at once either. You gotta start somewhere though with cleaning up your act. As others have said, being here talking about it is step one. Trying to attend classes at your university is step two. Trying to reconnect with old friends is step three. And so on...just don't try to look too far ahead and you'll figure out the next step and the ones to follow as well. In due time of course.

Well then, this turned out longer than I anticipated...
 
Rodent said:

Thank you for this, for taking the time to write, and help me. I really apreciate it.

Also gratz on quitting drinking,and controling it, it takes a lot of courage.


See, I feel like I'm rediscovering the world. From getting drunk and high in random parties every weekend with random chicks, to not even being able to chat with someone without feeling that Im wasting their time and they hate me.
I feel like Simon Pegg's character in the World's End, stuck on his old self, while the world has moved on.

I tried to accept my loneliness and for a good while I succeeded, but I cant do it again or anymore

As I said I'm doing baby steps. I'm determined to do it, I need to do it. If not, then I'll give up, but until then, I'll try my best, and I'll try everything. I got nothing to lose anyways.
 
I just got use to the loneliness, I've been alone must of my life. Sometimes I draw out my feelings to make me feel better if I'm down.
 
The great majority of people are self-absorbed and don't give two shits about anyone who isn't already a friend, a friend of a friend, or 'just like them'. It is RARE to find someone who will take an interest in you instead of expecting you to earn their friendship. You play into that when we value the opinion of those who don't like us over those who do.
 
it's not like I am coping very well… I plan on moving to a community living situation/commune very soon, and before that moving to an apartment that I can share with other people, just to maintain sanity.

With some basic human contact available I actually enjoy being by myself to cultivate my interests, but without I am like in a state of panic, strangely enough. Unless on a retreat or something, then it's on purpose, but I know that that is for a short time and not "forever".

Still I guess the real loneliness chaser is to have a "significant other", or a tight group of great friends (which I don't have).
 
I recently went through this loneliness phase too. Really really badly. I'd cry any time, any day for feeling so alone. I couldn't handle it... until I knew I had to do something to change my mindset. I guess that's where the root is.. your mindset. So I took time to reflect upon my days, what I like to do, what feeling lonely means, how to be comfortable with it and how to embrace loneliness (this was my solution for myself, not saying it's what others should do). It didn't just happen right there and then... I had to keep reminding myself.

Hope you can deal with your loneliness better, Erevetot. You know where to find me if you wanna chat. Good luck!
 
For me, There's no coping. There seems to be a lot of floundering and trying to get myself to do things like go to club meetings only to realize I have hw that is due and then i skip those. :l
 
i thought i was gonna spent my weekend home alone, but i was invited out tonight (leaving in 1h).
So this is my next step!
im going out with an old friend, on his university's party, gonna meet new people and hopefully make some friends. I know that the shy and awkward side of me will ruin it, but I gotta try, right?
he said we should wingman each other like 3 years ago when we used to be great buds, but I doubt I'll be able to flirt or anything, so i'll stick to casual chatting etc

please wish me good luck!
 

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