I still feel like I have no direction, purpose, or place in life

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el Jay

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2012
Messages
284
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Location
Near Philadelphia
Been a while since I've made a thread (or posted at all), but that's partly because of how I've been feeling lately (for the better part of the past year).

I still work as a pharmacy tech, and have had no luck finding any sort of job in my desired areas of interest (biology/botany/ecology) after graduating last May. I still feel like I must be looking incorrectly, since all I know how to do is search online job posting sites and similar things for openings, most of which are obviously intended for more experienced people than me (and I don't mean like a "X years of experience" sort of bullet point).

I've also thought about pursuing some sort of career in writing (probably technical), and/or trying my hand at video game development again, but I can never find the energy or will to bother. It feels like a foregone conclusion that I'll just end up failing (or the project will fall through). My mom seems to think this may be in part to my antidepressants, but its the same sort of problem I've had for years. I just don't believe in my ability to actually accomplish anything that will help me support myself.

On the (somewhat) plus side, I actually had a girlfriend for a few months I met through okcupid in June. She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because she said she wasn't developing romantic feelings towards me despite that I was towards her, and she didn't want to lead me on. She actually made a special trip out to my apartment (about ~40 mins. away) to tell me this, too. On one hand, it feels like this did repair my horrible self-image from my previous relationship, but I still feel like I'll never actually find anyone who I can really connect with mutually.


I just feel like my life is pointless. The only people I see on any regular basis (aside from employees of places I shop) are my coworkers. The ONLY people. The only real friend I have in real life hasn't been over in months. These people are literally the only ones I ever have any real contact with on anything more than a superficial level. On top of that, my job always leaves me very exhausted since I'm very introverted (but outgoing), so all the social interaction leaves me completely drained.

What can I do to escape this hopeless stasis? Nothing drives or motivates me anymore. I've seen a therapist and a psychologist, and although both did help me some, neither really provided any sort of definitive perspective or relief for me. It was nice being able to talk about my issues, but even then I was never able to allow myself to be fully truthful with them about some aspects of my life and past.
 
Hey, not sure how much help I can give, but I basically feel much the same way with having no direction or purpose in life. I also feel destined to fail at almost anything that matters and like my life really doesn't have a point and I feel you on how hard it can be to connect with people. Sometimes it can be hard to relate to people who are super motivated or ambitious, I don't even feel in the same realm is most people my age. So yeah, I really can't think of much to say as part of my problem is I can't really see a way out, but I'll send you my best wishes and know you're not alone.
 
el Jay said:
It was nice being able to talk about my issues, but even then I was never able to allow myself to be fully truthful with them about some aspects of my life and past.

Why was that? Maybe the therapy would be more fruitful if you were completely honest with them about your thoughts. I'm not necessarily putting the blame on you. It's also a therapist's job to make you feel safe enough to confide in them, but sometimes they do everything they can to make you feel welcome and the last barrier is in your head.
 
I'm not sure why but I remember your screen name! Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time at the moment. I hope you'll find some comfort here.
Welcome back! :)

-Teresa
 
MisunderstoodVacancy said:
Hey, not sure how much help I can give, but I basically feel much the same way with having no direction or purpose in life. I also feel destined to fail at almost anything that matters and like my life really doesn't have a point and I feel you on how hard it can be to connect with people. Sometimes it can be hard to relate to people who are super motivated or ambitious, I don't even feel in the same realm is most people my age. So yeah, I really can't think of much to say as part of my problem is I can't really see a way out, but I'll send you my best wishes and know you're not alone.
Thanks. It's nice to know there are people that feel similar to me.



Esteem said:
el Jay said:
It was nice being able to talk about my issues, but even then I was never able to allow myself to be fully truthful with them about some aspects of my life and past.

Why was that? Maybe the therapy would be more fruitful if you were completely honest with them about your thoughts. I'm not necessarily putting the blame on you. It's also a therapist's job to make you feel safe enough to confide in them, but sometimes they do everything they can to make you feel welcome and the last barrier is in your head.
Too embarrassed I guess. Also felt like I may not be able to properly explain some things. I know it's not their fault I wasn't able to be fully honest; that's all on me. I'm just that fearful of the judgment of others when being so honest. I'm not sure how I would cope if a therapist/psychologist expressed disgust, or felt I was being immature or silly, or whatever in reaction to some of these things. I mean, obviously I would leave immediately and never go to them again, but that would have lasting effects on my mental state and probably give me even more issues to deal with. In my head, the risk of that was greater than the reward that being open and honest offered, I guess. Which in itself should tell you the extent of some of my issues. =/



SofiasMami said:
I'm not sure why but I remember your screen name! Sorry to hear you're going through a bad time at the moment. I hope you'll find some comfort here.
Welcome back! :)

-Teresa
Thanks for the welcome back. I posted a bunch back in late '12 and early-mid '13, but a lot of my posting didn't really feel like it was helping at all. I mostly lurked the site since then.

There have actually been a lot of things I considered posting on or about, but I never found the will and energy to bother posting. Part of my general depression lately, I think, that this thread is about. Just felt like it'd be pointless, whether it was my own topic, or would be a reply to someone else's topic.

I think the problem is I feel like I have no future. That my entire life will just be a constant attempt to barely scrape by, with very few people I'm at all close to, and nothing much to ever look forward to.
 
I doubt it will help very much, Jay, but something that helps me (when I feel the way you do) is to find something positive. Just some tiny little thing, that gives me a small amount of hope or encouragement to move forward. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes a tiny amount of positivity or progress is enough to ward off the feels that many of us share, of hopelessness and feeling drained. For example, just organizing a shelf, or cleaning out my "drunk drawer" can give me a little boost of happy. :)
 
My philosophy, whether that worrying about what the future may hold or what my past failures were, is to just enjoy the moment and try and live for the here and now. After all, the past no longer exists, and the future is not yet written. And of course, each moment may be your last. You will find of you can learn to enjoy the small, simple things in life, it will make you happier, which will attract happier people to you. People can sense misery and tend to avoid those who emanate it, but if you seem content, people will be drawn to you!
 
Is there any kind of volunteer work you could do? Lord knows there are plenty of organizations that need them. it an give a sense of purpose to help others, plus it looks good on resumes.
 
Dear el Jay, what you describe sounds like my life ;)
well, with regards to the work you would like to do, maybe you tried already but my two cents: I have no idea what kind of jobs are available in the field of botany ecology etc, but did you think of contacting some people whose work you admire to ask for advice, or some companies that you like in your area or wherever you like to maybe ask to check their work (not really an internship, but rather a visit) and see if they have openings? You'd be surprised at how many people high up are available to give advice (as long as that doesn't cost them money of course :D) Read journals or magazines in your field, conferences/conventions where you can volunteer and get free attendance, some specialization workshops?

I know so well what you mean by feeling that you are only destined to fail, I have to fight with that at every moment, but I find that the only way is not to give up, and then you can look back and say: after all I didn't fail so badly… no try, certainty of failure, with trying there is at least a doubt, and one passes the time…

PS I always liked your posts and found them helpful to the other people, glad you are back
 
I don't know much about technical writing as a career, but I do know that you generally need experience with a) whatever language you'll be working in and b) a technical topic. Being a pharmacy tech might give you some solid understanding of things in that field from a technical standpoint already.

Sometimes you have to get creative in order to find "work experience", and there's no rule that says you can't change the rules within legal boundaries. If you're following job-seeker advice down to the minute details and not achieving results, then use whatever you can come up with to show that you're clever, resourceful, hardworking, detail-oriented, a critical thinker, or anything else. It's not like you can get even less hired for doing so when you're not getting hired at all.

I've been planning to ask one of my instructors what the steps to go through to do freelance IT work on campus might be. A lot of our students are not studying technical matters, are on a tight budget, and need either computers or computer maintenance, which I could offer myself through (free) advising on purchasing a for-school computer or my (less expensive than Geek Squad) services in constructing one from scratch, upgrading existing computers, or replacing parts. I can easily advertise myself as experienced in small-scale IT work, customer service, hardware, and multicultural matters afterwards. Plenty of our minority students like me, anyway, and I already have experience helping them with writing.

Ironic, isn't it? My culture and ethnicity can barely stand the sight of me, but plenty of West-African students have been openly friendly towards me as have many East Asian and Middle-Eastern students. I'm not sure I exist to white Americans under the age of 40, and even then it's spotty.
 
Tealeaf said:
I don't know much about technical writing as a career, but I do know that you generally need experience with a) whatever language you'll be working in and b) a technical topic. Being a pharmacy tech might give you some solid understanding of things in that field from a technical standpoint already.

Sometimes you have to get creative in order to find "work experience", and there's no rule that says you can't change the rules within legal boundaries. If you're following job-seeker advice down to the minute details and not achieving results, then use whatever you can come up with to show that you're clever, resourceful, hardworking, detail-oriented, a critical thinker, or anything else. It's not like you can get even less hired for doing so when you're not getting hired at all.

I've been planning to ask one of my instructors what the steps to go through to do freelance IT work on campus might be. A lot of our students are not studying technical matters, are on a tight budget, and need either computers or computer maintenance, which I could offer myself through (free) advising on purchasing a for-school computer or my (less expensive than Geek Squad) services in constructing one from scratch, upgrading existing computers, or replacing parts. I can easily advertise myself as experienced in small-scale IT work, customer service, hardware, and multicultural matters afterwards. Plenty of our minority students like me, anyway, and I already have experience helping them with writing.

Ironic, isn't it? My culture and ethnicity can barely stand the sight of me, but plenty of West-African students have been openly friendly towards me as have many East Asian and Middle-Eastern students. I'm not sure I exist to white Americans under the age of 40, and even then it's spotty.

Have you thought about relocating somewhere with more tech jobs?
 
Amthorn said:
Tealeaf said:
I don't know much about technical writing as a career, but I do know that you generally need experience with a) whatever language you'll be working in and b) a technical topic. Being a pharmacy tech might give you some solid understanding of things in that field from a technical standpoint already.

Sometimes you have to get creative in order to find "work experience", and there's no rule that says you can't change the rules within legal boundaries. If you're following job-seeker advice down to the minute details and not achieving results, then use whatever you can come up with to show that you're clever, resourceful, hardworking, detail-oriented, a critical thinker, or anything else. It's not like you can get even less hired for doing so when you're not getting hired at all.

I've been planning to ask one of my instructors what the steps to go through to do freelance IT work on campus might be. A lot of our students are not studying technical matters, are on a tight budget, and need either computers or computer maintenance, which I could offer myself through (free) advising on purchasing a for-school computer or my (less expensive than Geek Squad) services in constructing one from scratch, upgrading existing computers, or replacing parts. I can easily advertise myself as experienced in small-scale IT work, customer service, hardware, and multicultural matters afterwards. Plenty of our minority students like me, anyway, and I already have experience helping them with writing.

Ironic, isn't it? My culture and ethnicity can barely stand the sight of me, but plenty of West-African students have been openly friendly towards me as have many East Asian and Middle-Eastern students. I'm not sure I exist to white Americans under the age of 40, and even then it's spotty.

Have you thought about relocating somewhere with more tech jobs?

I've thought about emigrating outside of white, English-speaking countries, although the number of possibilities that aren't dangerous or worse off than the US is a bit small.

I also know Japan's reputation for not fully accepting Americans into the fold.
 

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