the reality

I feel like I am wasting my time being alive. All this time, and it was for nothing, everything that ever happened to me was for nothing and lead to nothing. I didn’t gain anything, and nothing has changed. Suicide seems closer and closer. I always knew that I would die by suicide. But it appears that it is closer now. It is sad, but there is no hope, all the damage has been done. I am 27 years old, have not finished college yet, don’t have a job, don’t have any friends and thus never really go out. When I do go out it is with my mom or by myself and it gets very lonely.

I hate the way I look, I am ugly beyond your imagination. No girl has ever wanted to go out with me and I asked out a ton of girls before. Everyone always criticizes me, telling me “do this” “do that”, I am just a piece of honeysuckle. The two true friends that I had, one left me and the other was a fake. I never had a true, loving friendship, it never existed for me, I don't know what that is like or how it feels.

Everywhere I turn, everything is a mockery, a tease of what I will never have or be. All I get are judgments from everyone believing bad things about me, judging me; the loser that I am. Every day is full of rage, contempt, jealousy, hatred. My body is covered in scars now. I’m on meds and they help some but not enough. I see a therapist but it is not enough, I exercise but it is not enough. The trauma and the constant social ostracizing that I have gone through to this very day, it takes a toll on me. The damage has been done and I am already built. I don’t care what happens tomorrow or next week or next month, I don’t have any wonder for the future. I sometimes fantasize of a life where I am the best possible me, with friends and a girlfriend but it is just a fantasy world and has been since I was a teenager, all a bunch of lies. Every single day people see and I see what a piece of honeysuckle I am, every single day I get rejected and ignored.

The fact is I will die by suicide. The question was always when. I perhaps should have done it by now, because like I said, I am wasting time. I am afraid that this is it, my death will come soon.

This whole post that you've just written, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself to commit suicide, by listing all the things wrong and then saying that you have no option except to kill yourself. You discredit your dreams, cut them down to the quick, and then assume that everyone else in the world feels and thinks the same way about you that you feel and think about yourself. You aren't treating yourself very kindly and it sounds like you desperately need some kindness from somewhere. By the way, have you been told by others that you are ugly? Oftentimes we feel that we are ugly but we are actually not ugly.

You really just need a hug, don't you?

((((lilE))))

Edit: After your PM, apparently everything I just said was condescending. I'm sorry it sounded like that to you because it wasn't my intent.

Hi, I often feel the same way that you do and have done for years.
I sometimes think that people cannot realise the effect that their judgmental attitude and criticism can have otherwise they would tone it down, or they would shut up and concentrate on their own lives instead of telling others how to live. Have been on the receiving end of it many times and it always filled me with so much despair and so much anger as well, both at them and at myself. So I can relate to how you feel.
You need more help than you are getting.
1. Could you change therapists to one you could see more often? Or to one who would really engage with you on the issues you are dealing with so that you don't feel too alone between sessions.
2. Could you go out to places socially where it is ok to go alone, such as to a reading group or something similar, where you would get the chance to talk to others?
3. Have you told your mum how you feel so that she can support you?

You say that everyone around you is constantly judging you but if I interpret anything from your post it's only that you are the one constantly judging yourself.
People are judgmental, and maybe that has damaged your self-esteem, but you are only making it worse and you are the one doing the most damage to yourself.

I'm not judging you by saying this, I don't know you as a person and I can't judge you, nor do I want to. I'm merely recognizing the apparent fact that you have potential and that you're not allowing yourself to see that potential. You are dismissing what is valuable and only looking at the negative. This is a mentality that paralyzes you and it is what causes you to feel like you are just 'wasting time'.
Sounds to me like people have tried to help you before. You even freely admit that your days are filled with contempt, rage, jealousy, etc. And you say you never go out anymore. Why is that?

The reality of the truth here is that you are not actually perceiving reality, your are perceiving an illusion that you think is reality, and that is the real problem.

Real reality has no such things as something like 'Fate' such as that you might determine you were destined to die by suicide.
Reality demonstrates that beauty is something subjective and that it can be found in anyone or anything.
Reality is something which proves that all humanity has a massive potential that many of them are just wasting because they are too focused on their own delusions to actually see what is real and what is important.

If you want to speak of reality then you should start by actually learning to see it clearly and not cloud it with pessimism, low self esteem, and self-judgement.

But you don't have to listen to me. Why should you care what I have to say, right? You're too busy being alone. Is that really what you want?

My mother and I are also losing the house we lived in for the past 16 years. We don't even have money to move out but the bank is kicking us out. I don't know what we are going to do now, on top of that I am going through severe depression.

I am only alive for my mother, that is it, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this.

I don't care about what anyone thinks about my predicament, I am just writing this to let off some steam, since I have nothing else.

lilE said:

My mother and I are also losing the house we lived in for the past 16 years. We don't even have money to move out but the bank is kicking us out. I don't know what we are going to do now, on top of that I am going through severe depression.

I am only alive for my mother, that is it, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this.

I don't care about what anyone thinks about my predicament, I am just writing this to let off some steam, since I have nothing else.

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Think what would happen to your mother if you were gone. If for nothing else you need to here for the sake of your mother.

You are right. I couldn't do that to my precious mother.

Set a goal for yourself lilE, tough things out somehow until you and your mother have another place to live.

Then set another goal.....maybe finish college, not doable? Then something else......a paying job maybe.

Then another goal, and do that one too.

At the very least, postpone your suicide for awhile......27 is way too young to quit.

I'm still in college right now and have about a year left until I get my Bachelors. But yea, goals are good, thanks.

lilE said:

I hate the way I look, I am ugly beyond your imagination. No girl has ever wanted to go out with me and I asked out a ton of girls before. Everyone always criticizes me, telling me “do this” “do that”, I am just a piece of honeysuckle. The two true friends that I had, one left me and the other was a fake. I never had a true, loving friendship, it never existed for me, I don't know what that is like or how it feels.

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Not everyone is right. You could ask a million girls and they could all tell you no. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means that those million girls weren't right for you. It's pretty easy to tell you, or anyone for that matter, to turn that negative thinking into something positive. But if you knew how to or wanted to, then I guess this thread wouldn't exist. One of the only things I can ever think of when someone says that they've asked a hundred people out is to ask a hundred and one. The seemingly popular vote isn't always the correct one.

I read something earlier today, and this probably isn't the exact quote, but it said something along the lines of: Experience: What you get when you didn't get what you wanted to.

It'll do me good to remember this myself.

Best of luck to you.

SophiaGrace said:

Edit: After your PM, apparently everything I just said was condescending. I'm sorry it sounded like that to you because it wasn't my intent.

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Just to point this out, but I got a similar PM from this user.
Neither of us were being mean or condescending as the user stated. This was uncalled for.

SophiaGrace said:

This whole post that you've just written, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself to commit suicide, by listing all the things wrong and then saying that you have no option except to kill yourself. You discredit your dreams, cut them down to the quick, and then assume that everyone else in the world feels and thinks the same way about you that you feel and think about yourself. You aren't treating yourself very kindly and it sounds like you desperately need some kindness from somewhere. By the way, have you been told by others that you are ugly? Oftentimes we feel that we are ugly but we are actually not ugly.

You really just need a hug, don't you?

((((lilE))))

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My depression makes me see myself and everything else around me feel so bleak. It makes me very negative.

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VanillaCreme said:

lilE said:

I hate the way I look, I am ugly beyond your imagination. No girl has ever wanted to go out with me and I asked out a ton of girls before. Everyone always criticizes me, telling me “do this” “do that”, I am just a piece of honeysuckle. The two true friends that I had, one left me and the other was a fake. I never had a true, loving friendship, it never existed for me, I don't know what that is like or how it feels.

Click to expand...

Not everyone is right. You could ask a million girls and they could all tell you no. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means that those million girls weren't right for you. It's pretty easy to tell you, or anyone for that matter, to turn that negative thinking into something positive. But if you knew how to or wanted to, then I guess this thread wouldn't exist. One of the only things I can ever think of when someone says that they've asked a hundred people out is to ask a hundred and one. The seemingly popular vote isn't always the correct one.

I read something earlier today, and this probably isn't the exact quote, but it said something along the lines of: Experience: What you get when you didn't get what you wanted to.

It'll do me good to remember this myself.

Best of luck to you.

Click to expand...

Thanks Vanilla.