Meetup Experiences

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TheWalkingDead

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Not sure if this is the right place, but I've tried quite a few Meetups with varying outcomes.

The first one was a gig, and the organiser basically setup the meetup then vanished, leading to several people turning up to the gig and standing on their own which they might as well have done anyway without going to all the bother of arranging a meetup :club:

I've also gone to a meal and a few walks. I struggled with the meal as I was moved from where I wanted to sit and ended up stuck at the end of a table, with a couple of nice people opposite me, the unfortunate thing was they were both Italian and both wanted to practice their English, so I ended up having to field questions about grammar most of the night rather than have any meaningful interaction (and I have noticed there are quite a few people who go to these Meetups to practice their language skills, which is fine, but I've observed they tend to also disappear fairly rapidly and it's not a vehicle for making any kind of lasting connection!)

I've gone on a few walks, and I did manage to talk to some interesting people, although unfortunately have not managed to see most of these again, and there again there were some it was extremely hard to talk to - I break the ice, try to make smalltalk, and it's like I feel I'm speaking Martian. What usually happens is I'm talking to someone and they suddenly drift off and spend most of the rest of the walk with someone else. So I find someone else too, and by the end of the thing I've had about half a dozen superficial conversations and sometimes it's OK, not great, but not "I really regret going to that".

Today I tried something a bit different, it was a talk in a museum, and was really interesting, after the talk I was checking my phone and when I looked up the room had emptied, so I panicked and went out and looked around and couldn't find any sign of the meetup people (there were other non meetup people there too so was bit jumbled). I got distracted by a poster, started to wonder where the rest of the people had gone, and ended up just bailing as there was something I could be sorting out at the same time, but apparently there was a tour after that which I missed out on :club:

I did post to explain what happened but they seemed to take it the wrong way and said everyone was together at the end of the talk - I must have missed that bit when I blinked - I find myself very easily overlooked like that sometimes, it's not for lack of trying to be noticeable :(

I've also tried my running groups and made a few friends, but I find it incredibily hard and some people shut me down as soon as I try to start talking - and I soon start to feel excluded though it's probably only in my own head. Half the time when I do feel I've made a connection with someone, I never see them again.

I also struggle if there are extravert types, I find they just drain me!

I don't even know what the purpose of this thread is, just to offload the fact that I keep making attempts to be social and it seems to keep not going very well :rolleyes2:
 
It didn't go well for me either.

First one I went to was a real estate meet up. Subject, how to find funding sources for real estate investing. It seemed to be done by like a corporation. I listened to several stories and then, it appeared obvious to me that the people putting on the meet ups were attempting to get the audience to put up money for investing. That is what it came back to. I got out. IMHO a scam.

Second one, I was excited to find a "rug hooking" meet up. After seeming to fight to get them to hold it on a weekend -- apparently they all don't work, I walked in to find that *I* had *latch rug hooking* and apparently this was rug hooking which was a totally different thing. They were all about 95 and though some were nice, some just could not have been ruder. Not even looking me in the eye. I said I was going to go since I didn't have the right kind of kit and the nice ladies really wanted me to stay and I almost cried and ran out of there... because the non nice ones didn't make much of a peep.

I also find some people that go to meet ups quite rude. The only thing I can see is that they seem so desperate to make friends they are territorial.
 
I don't know what rug hooking is and didn't know there would be a meetup for it! Learn something new each day!! I hope you found or find something suitable one day!

One day in my 20s I went to a random group of people which was so different, I felt this wave of what I can only describe as love when I walked through the door. It was sort of a non religious but spiritual group but they kind of accepted me even though I didn't really sign up for a lot of their views and we enjoyed many gatherings - and I remained in contact with many of them for years afterwards, and am still in touch with one of the few still living members now - we meet every now and then for a catch up.

I guess I'm looking for that sort of thing again and it was probably a once in a lifetime kind of thing :(
 
TheWalkingDead said:
I don't know what rug hooking is and didn't know there would be a meetup for it! Learn something new each day!! I hope you found or find something suitable one day!

I apparently didn't know either as I had a different type of hobby that I showed up with.

I once went to an HSP meet up but, the first meeting there were 12 and then there were 3... yeh... flaky.

I guess I could start my own meet up but, I find it hard to get people interested.
 
LonelySutton said:
TheWalkingDead said:
I don't know what rug hooking is and didn't know there would be a meetup for it! Learn something new each day!! I hope you found or find something suitable one day!

I apparently didn't know either as I had a different type of hobby that I showed up with.

I once went to an HSP meet up but, the first meeting there were 12 and then there were 3... yeh... flaky.

I guess I could start my own meet up but, I find it hard to get people interested.

You could give it a try! Though I do know what you mean - I am on a Meetup which is basically for people in my area who like obscure music that their friends don't like, so they have nobody to go to gigs with - so using Meetup they can find like minded people to bob along with - I've now setup 3 or 4 of these and my tastes in music are apparently very obscure indeed as I always still end up going on my own as nobody joins the meetup. Well not quite alone, of course there are always another several 1000 people there, but I don't know any of them to speak to :(

I had to look up the rug hooking etc but it looks very creative :D It's the sort of thing I'd love to do but I can't even sew a button onto a pair of pants and I remember at school I did some kind of stitching project but the teacher took pity on my boyish frustration and let me build a robot out of egg cartons instead in the end :rolleyes:
 
I always hear meetups recommended as the solution to not having a social life, but you're not the first person I've seen who walks away with nothing more than a crowd to chat casually to for an evening. Surely it's something, but it's not what most people directed there are looking for.

I attended a few meetups for a hobby several years ago and found that, for a "social event" there was surprisingly little social interaction, particularly of the meaningful kind or between different groups of people who already knew each other. I went three times with a friend I already knew who loved them for some reason I couldn't fathom, spent a lot of time just talking to him, and made no new friends. A lot of the little groups were fairly closed off in their activities, too, and set in their ways. Eventually, I decided that if I was going to spend my Saturday night lazing about and talking to people I already know, I'd rather do so from the comfort of my own home and not be so tempted to spend additional money to eat out while we were there.
 
When I did try this, I realized that the meetups were all dominated by a group of like-minded people, who went to several groups. That covered basically every group I would be interested in. I don't fit in with that group so fresia that noise.

Maybe it's different in a larger city, or just me.
 
there is no hope said:
When I did try this, I realized that the meetups were all dominated by a group of like-minded people, who went to several groups. That covered basically every group I would be interested in. I don't fit in with that group so fresia that noise.

Maybe it's different in a larger city, or just me.

I think there's almost too much choice where I am - but I have started to see crossover in the "X is also a member of Meetup Y" phenomenon so eventually the "maybe this meetup will be different" starts to wear out because it turns out to be a lot of the same people. There are some groups I won't go to because someone who used to be a good friend has now found all these new friends via these meetups and has dropped contact with me, so I would feel uncomfortable going, even though some of the people would probably be OK :(
 
I have found that the majority of social groups, meet ups included, generally foster an evening of pleasant chat but finding real friends who you meet up with outside the group and become a part of their lives usually doesn't happen, or when it does, it is rare. Although meet ups are preferable (at least to me) than sitting at home alone all the time, they do feel insubstantial. And I always get the impression that the others generally have their relationship/friendship needs met elsewhere and that they aren't really on the lookout for anything more than pleasant chat from the group.
 
Tiina63 said:
I have found that the majority of social groups, meet ups included, generally foster an evening of pleasant chat but finding real friends who you meet up with outside the group and become a part of their lives usually doesn't happen, or when it does, it is rare. Although meet ups are preferable (at least to me) than sitting at home alone all the time, they do feel insubstantial. And I always get the impression that the others generally have their relationship/friendship needs met elsewhere and that they aren't really on the lookout for anything more than pleasant chat from the group.

This struck a chord with me. It brings to mind someone I met at a Meetup who does a lot of organising of and attending of all kinds of Meetups. When we did have a chat it was about his wife and kids and busy business life... A lovely bloke but one of those high energy extravert types for whom no amount of company and socialising can ever be enough, and unfortunately the sort that drain me faster than an iPhone playing video on full brightness....
 
Tiina63 said:
And I always get the impression that the others generally have their relationship/friendship needs met elsewhere and that they aren't really on the lookout for anything more than pleasant chat from the group.

What is probably an issue is that many of the people that are looking to meetups are probably looking to them because they don't have friends. So in a sense we have the blind leading the blind. People who aren't good at making friends, all in a group, not knowing how to make friends. The real estate one I went to was frustrating. Real estate investors should talk among themselves for gain but no one there seemed interested in doing that.
 
LonelySutton said:
Tiina63 said:
And I always get the impression that the others generally have their relationship/friendship needs met elsewhere and that they aren't really on the lookout for anything more than pleasant chat from the group.

What is probably an issue is that many of the people that are looking to meetups are probably looking to them because they don't have friends. So in a sense we have the blind leading the blind. People who aren't good at making friends, all in a group, not knowing how to make friends. The real estate one I went to was frustrating. Real estate investors should talk among themselves for gain but no one there seemed interested in doing that.

I do occasionally see Meetups specifically for introverts, shy people, or people with social anxiety - and wonder how they end up turning out, it must be challenging for everyone who attends unless there's a safe activity to focus on...
 
Sorry to sound naive on this but are these meet ups paid, organised events or is it just a case of turning up?
 
I'm referring to the ones on Meetup.com - yes the organisers pay a fee to Meetup, and some events are paid, but usually just a small amount to cover any costs. There is a protocol of RSVPing to events so the organiser has an idea of numbers (crucial for say a meal meetup or seated event).
 
Ah thank you for explaining that. In theory they sound like quite nice events but I can also see how they may turn out to be poor experiences due to the nature of the people attending.

I once met up with a local sci-fi movie group who advertised that everyone was welcome with a friendly atmosphere. What it turned out to be was a small group of organisers sitting in the corner, complaining, while everyone else wondering if there was a schedule or if we would be watching a movie. In the end most people just drifted out.
 
Lost Drifter said:
Ah thank you for explaining that. In theory they sound like quite nice events but I can also see how they may turn out to be poor experiences due to the nature of the people attending.

It is odd, I find most things where I meet up with people to be terribly disappointing, meetup.com or not. A few years back I found a few people in my area who claimed to be looking for the same thing as me... support, someone to count on, we met up four or five times but then it all went to heck. Sometimes I think it has to be me, but then I think no, if I was in the position where I was looking for people to "help" out, it would take some massive objections for me to drop them. And I can't imagine in our four little meetings I could be that objectionable. One of the meetings was going to the movies. I suspect, like everything, they just got better offers or got distracted. Or the idea of support was more interesting than reality.
 
LonelySutton said:
I suspect, like everything, they just got better offers or got distracted. Or the idea of support was more interesting than reality.

I do agree that there is some truth to that. Chances are, they thought they were being nice by offering support but couldn't when it came down to it. I find a lot of people have such rigid 'requirements' of any sort of relationship or social interaction that if you fail to meet them, you're instantly discarded while they search for someone else.

Another big problem I have is that a lot of social events around here centre around drinking. Since I don't drink (alcohol) I'm treated like a leper. I'm fine going into bars or pubs if I need to but because I'm not getting drunk, I'm not considered friendship or relationship material to a vast majority of people.
 
Tiina63 said:
I have found that the majority of social groups, meet ups included, generally foster an evening of pleasant chat but finding real friends who you meet up with outside the group and become a part of their lives usually doesn't happen, or when it does, it is rare. Although meet ups are preferable (at least to me) than sitting at home alone all the time, they do feel insubstantial. And I always get the impression that the others generally have their relationship/friendship needs met elsewhere and that they aren't really on the lookout for anything more than pleasant chat from the group.

I get that too. All the meet ups whether they were for art, walkabouts, general meets everyone there had friends or partners outside the meetups. They were there for the event, not to make lasting friendships it seems. I can never seem to understand that sometimes putting so many people together who are so 'social' yet never seem to ask if you would want to hang out ever. Even in large regular meet up groups, segregation into the regulars always seems leave new people outside. It's why I got tired of meetups. Nobody seemed to care enough to talk outside the meet even when I tried to be friendly.
 
Lost Drifter said:
LonelySutton said:
I suspect, like everything, they just got better offers or got distracted. Or the idea of support was more interesting than reality.

I do agree that there is some truth to that. Chances are, they thought they were being nice by offering support but couldn't when it came down to it. I find a lot of people have such rigid 'requirements' of any sort of relationship or social interaction that if you fail to meet them, you're instantly discarded while they search for someone else.

Another big problem I have is that a lot of social events around here centre around drinking. Since I don't drink (alcohol) I'm treated like a leper. I'm fine going into bars or pubs if I need to but because I'm not getting drunk, I'm not considered friendship or relationship material to a vast majority of people.

I don't drink either - I think it's a shame, but I think people who drink are more likely to fall into relationships (not necessarily healthy or lasting ones) because it's a social thing, inhibitions are lost, people's instincts override their reservations etc.

I'm very comfortable these days saying I don't drink - but going out and staying sober with a bunch of drunk people becomes a tedious business after a while!
 
TheWalkingDead said:
I don't drink either - I think it's a shame, but I think people who drink are more likely to fall into relationships (not necessarily healthy or lasting ones) because it's a social thing, inhibitions are lost, people's instincts override their reservations etc.

Same problem here but, I actually think I might have an intolerance / allergy to alcohol. Whenever I drink it, even one sip, I get horrible heartburn and my face flushes and I feel very hot. No one really understands. I have a lot of people who I would be so much closer with if I could really take part in drinking. That said, it annoys me that "meetups" are supposed to be non drinking events based on interests and they don't usually work too well. And I happen to be an extroverted introvert and still it is like pulling teeth at them.
 

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