Trying to save a 5 year relationship.

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loketron

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hey guys my name is Loketron I was a frequent poster a long time ago and I've been gone for quite some time. I've been frantically posting online for help with a problem i'm having and I remembered I really loved the community here and I thought id try sharing my story here and soak in any comments you guys may have for me, please.

so go easy, remember I love this girl. and i'm sorry if this gets wordy.

My girlfriend and I were together for 5 1/2 years. A few years ago I started working overnight while she worked days. I've been hoping the job would switch me but the job still has never done so. Around this same time I lost out on a career I was pushing for and lost myself. I Lost who I was and got caught in the day to day, week to week grind. If only the job didn't give us the financial security we needed and that's all I focused on. fast forward to this year and we had tried to be happy all we could but life had thrown us many curve balls including infidelity on her part which we squashed and forgave together already. life being alone over night at work and lack of a social life outside of her made me feel trapped so instead of flipping tables and losing my cool I left one day 3 months ago.

Let me reiterate, I was the one who left. I was too pent up and I needed time to be alone or clear my head. By now, 3 months later I don't even get why I couldn't call it a break, I should have gone back that next day to apologize, but I didn't. So I began healing. I saw a Councillor and tried my best not to mope around while I was not working. I tried not contacting her except for when we had bills needing to be taken care of. After some time she opened up to me and we established a friendship. I learned she missed me as much as I did and we started to work towards giving it another shot. My mind was in the right place and we made a plan for me to come over and maybe even spend the night a week ago. everything seemed to be fitting into place until I learned something had happened...

She began telling me she made a friend while we weren't talking. she needed someone to help her cope with her loneliness and all the girls were just telling her to "calm down" and "it'll be ok." this friend was a male. and one time she slept with him. She was upfront about it and didn't lie but I was not expecting it and lost my cool and stormed off. I have no reason not to trust her when she tells me it was only once and he is not an interest. it just happened. From my readings I've learned sex can mean less to women than it does to men so i'm letting it go as just something that happened. just like that my progress into "just being happy" was gone" I forgot my lessons into being a zen master and became a jealous prick. So now i'm back to not talking with her and living with the fact that I missed a golden opportunity to spend the night and start a reunion with the girl I love.

its been a week since then and I've calmed down considerably but i'm all alone in my mind again. i'm trying to be fixed but its not a constant thing.
I know not every relationship is like "Hollywood" so we may just end up just being friends, but is that any reason to not try if I've put these upset feelings aside about what happened when we weren't together? feelings about myself leaving in the first place?
I really don't care about this friend. its like "falling on the sword." I'd rather shoot for our second chance than shoot to be right. you first reaction may be to say to forget her and move on. but 5 year?!? that's not easily just forgotten, especially when i'm certain we both want to try again we just both need change.

thanks for listening.
 
I think, if I were you, and you still love this girl (Sounds obvious that you do) , I would make a meeting to sit down with her and apologize. It sounds like she was making amends amd being honest with you.
Tell her you reacted with out thinking. Instead of asking for a moment you stormed off. She should understand you're reaction was out of hurt. It sounds like she is reasinable and is just as willing to try.
You will probably hear more things you don't like - but remember you have no say in what happened during that period. You left her, and she has a life to live. Just try and take five minute breathers when you feel that storm coming.
 
Hi, I'm brand new here! Since you're asking for opinions, I'll provide mine. But it is only that, an opinion. You are the only person who knows what you want and what you should do.

I feel infidelity is a violation of trust that will ultimately undermine any traditional relationship. It's a passive way of one partner saying "I don't want to be in this relationship". Even if they're not the one to call it off.

That being said, I think what you want to hear is that you should take her back. You're looking for some sort of external validation to your feelings. You don't need validation. You just need to follow what you feel is the best thing for your life.

Just my two cents!
 
WhatDidYouDoNick said:
Hi, I'm brand new here! Since you're asking for opinions, I'll provide mine. But it is only that, an opinion. You are the only person who knows what you want and what you should do.

I feel infidelity is a violation of trust that will ultimately undermine any traditional relationship. It's a passive way of one partner saying "I don't want to be in this relationship". Even if they're not the one to call it off.

That being said, I think what you want to hear is that you should take her back. You're looking for some sort of external validation to your feelings. You don't need validation. You just need to follow what you feel is the best thing for your life.

Just my two cents!

Isn't really infidenity if they were seperated, is it?
 
Hello loketron, welcome back to the forum. When I read your title "5 year relationship" it kinda hit me as well, since I once was in this dilemma, to save or not to save the relationship despite all the mess that's happened.

loketron said:
I really don't care about this friend. its like "falling on the sword." I'd rather shoot for our second chance than shoot to be right. you first reaction may be to say to forget her and move on. but 5 year?!? that's not easily just forgotten, especially when i'm certain we both want to try again we just both need change.

You're right, 5 years is a huge deal to blow off, especially in your case where you left the relationship because of how life was for you. There were possibly other ways to deal with the situation you were in but sometimes, when we're alone so much and don't talk to other people about our issues or emotions, we sometimes can't see any other way or perspective to deal with it and act on the spur of the moment. But what's done is done, you can't turn back time.

Judging by your descriptions here, I think I have to agree with JHK. It sounds like she was being honest with you. Then again, would you have any other reason to doubt her? You did leave the relationship, abandoned her and it's human nature for someone to search for another to fill that void, especially after such a long relationship like that. This guy she hooked up with is clearly a rebound, unless she claims that it isn't and that she's moved on (which I highly doubt so). I know the feeling all too well, but those things that go on with the rebound... they often don't really last - this is just in my experience. Maybe it has worked for some people where the rebound actually became something lasting.

If you ask me, I say have a real chat with her. Tell her what went on and why you left, and ask her how it made her feel and how she feels now. Talk to her about how you feel sorry and be as honest and genuine as you can about what's happened. Talk about rekindling, even if it is to start with baby steps first, to be friends again before bringing it further. If you lasted 5 years, I'm sure there is a very strong bond between the two of you. I would have a hard time throwing it away myself, as I did, when it happened to me. Maybe also talk about this guy, what he means to her and how she truly feels about him. I think her feelings and opinion are just as important as yours, so try to talk things out with her. I always think talking it out is the best option to any problem.

So, I hope it goes well for you. All the best. Let us know how it goes.

JHK said:
Isn't really infidenity if they were seperated, is it?

I didn't think it was infidelity either since they were broken up when she hooked up with the guy.
 
JHK said:
Isn't really infidenity if they were seperated, is it?

Sorry I wasn't clear. I was actually referring to the first incident.

"...infidelity on her part which we squashed and forgave together already."

I suppose I missed the mark, as it was stated to have been forgiven, and it wasn't really the focus of the topic. Tho my feelings still hold true regarding that first incident.

However I agree that the second "infidelity" isn't one at all, since they were separated at the time.
 
WhatDidYouDoNick said:
JHK said:
Isn't really infidenity if they were seperated, is it?

Sorry I wasn't clear. I was actually referring to the first incident.

"...infidelity on her part which we squashed and forgave together already."

I suppose I missed the mark, as it was stated to have been forgiven, and it wasn't really the focus of the topic. Tho my feelings still hold true regarding that first incident.

However I agree that the second "infidelity" isn't one at all, since they were separated at the time.

Oh! I read "inferility"... So. You're right. Sorry.
Notsure how I managed that one. :/
 
wow I cant believe the responses came in so quickly. thank you guys!

So thank you JHK, at the moment I've tried contacting her about some bills we still have together but nothing today. nothing all week actually. I am living in a new town and I drove out the other day to see her on her lunch but I believe that appeared to needy. so for the moment I am leaving her alone and hoping when she is ready to call me she calls me. We lived together for 5 years we will have bills to pay together by the end of next week and by then or sooner i'm sure I will hear from her.

thank you nick and thank you lady

thank you lady for your post. i'm sorry something similar happened to you too at one point. I'm so glad someone actually understands that my point of view that it was just a rebound for her. Even if I did have trouble with it at first I do want to move past it because our relationship can not be cheapened by just that. we talked about marriage. we talked about a life only weeks before this. then I freaked out and ran one day like boom. gone.

like I was stating I work overnight. alone. it allows me a lot of time to bounce ideas off my head especially when i'm going through a break up like this. this has been so hard. after the split I was getting healthy and getting my mind back but for a few days there I reverted back to who I was months ago. I guess I just need to speak on it to stop that process. I don't want to be him.

and yea nick. its strange because in a way I don't know if i'm looking for validation or not. I just know for to long I've trapped myself inside my own head space and writing, reading and typing has helped me cope with this break up and if this is going to continue ive got to add coming her and talking to my game plan because......
.....being alone isn't working.

im smarter than than.

im better than that.
 
loketron said:
like I was stating I work overnight. alone. it allows me a lot of time to bounce ideas off my head especially when i'm going through a break up like this. this has been so hard. after the split I was getting healthy and getting my mind back but for a few days there I reverted back to who I was months ago. I guess I just need to speak on it to stop that process. I don't want to be him.

and yea nick. its strange because in a way I don't know if i'm looking for validation or not. I just know for to long I've trapped myself inside my own head space and writing, reading and typing has helped me cope with this break up and if this is going to continue ive got to add coming her and talking to my game plan because......
.....being alone isn't working.

im smarter than than.

im better than that.

I think it's a good thing you came back on here to talk about this. I hope that you continue to talk to other people about this issue so that you are not alone with your thoughts and sometimes the negatives sound a whole lot louder than the positives and we tend to be inclined to listen to the negatives.

Take it one step at a time, the last thing you want to do is to overwhelm yourself. As long as you are clear of what you want to achieve and how you want to achieve them, keep going that way.
 
there is one hurt I think i may have been blocking out today. on my way to work it came to me as a sad realization.

she has stated she wishes to keep in contact with this new friend while we return to each other. she makes it seem if I care for her I should be able to look past what has happened and be with her now.

I feel i'm missing or messed up this story. she actually told me about this friend one night on a work break. I believe it was last Friday night. the next morning she asked me if she could stay friends with him. not wanting any confrontation and passive old me I "err....welll....just be faithful....I love you" and we left it alone. But I didn't feel quite right. the old me wanted to know why! whats with this? what about that? and my mind went for a spin. oh no!

a few days later this girl had let her guard down and started to forgive me for leaving her all those months ago and for what I had done. I tried to stop myself but she mentioned this friend and I immediately jumped on the opportunity to state my concern. "please break contact with him" it was like I went back on my word. worst of all THIS was the night I spoke of when I was suppose to spend the night but didn't.

so am I wrong? do I back down and let her keep this friend ( I believe her, he is just a friend. you can judge but I trust she wants to be with me.) or do I move on.

argh!
 
That's quite a tricky situation. If I were you, I'd have doubts trusting that friendship too, but I'd try to have some trust at least.. I mean, what's a relationship if you can't trust each other in it? You said so yourself that you trust she wants to be with you. I would give it a chance but at the same time, look out for any red flags if any were to come up in the future. Whether she's lying or not, heck, it's not something you can know until time passes and things unfold, so yes, it is also a risk to take if you're willing. If she can give you a chance at rekindling, I think it's only fair you give her a chance to keep that friendship with him, as long as they can stay platonic and casual.

These are just my thoughts though, ultimately you should do what you feel best suits this situation because you know her best and how she behaves. But like I said, just keep a look out for red flags so that you don't end up overlooking them if they do appear.
 
You say that you forgave her for cheating on you, but did you really? Is there any part of you that still thinks about that time and what she did? Is there any part of you that thinks she might do it again? Think long and hard about that. Do you want to be with her because it lasted so long and it's familiar? I know you say you love her and I don't doubt that at all, but love is not always enough.
As for the sex while you were apart, how can you be sure that it won't "just happen" again? She may not intend for it to happen, but that doesn't mean it won't.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it will or won't, but it's something to consider. If it "just happened" once, it could again. I have always read differently in the matter of which gender sex means more to, so I wouldn't put that into play, as it entirely depends on each individual person.

It's hard to let go of something that has lasted so long, but sometimes it needs to be done. I was with my ex for 12 years when it ended (he did cheat on me). I was a complete mess and would have taken him back for the first two years after. But then I realized that, while I still loved him (still do, always will), I didn't want the man he had become, I wanted the man I married. He wasn't that man anymore, so I let him go and moved on. My life is infinitely better than it was when I was with him and while he has wanted to come back to me, I told him no, because I can't go back to that life.

If you think you can 100% trust her and want her as she is (not what she once was) and not just for the familiarity of it, I say go for it...but if there is even the slightest doubt anywhere in you that doesn't trust her or think she might cheat on you again, I would stick to being friends.
Another thing you might want to consider is what would happen if you get back together and worse happens where you can't be friends after? If you want to keep her in your life, it might be better to remain friends.
 
If there are no children then wipe the slate clean and try another relationship

sorry...I struggled for a year through a similiar circumstance. I had wished I just cut out sooner....

my two cents
 
Never Mind Abort Abort. I went and talked to her today and told her I wanted to Apologize for what I said. Apologize for leaving. I tried to pour my heart out and explain I made a mistake, again, but what had happened was a final red flag to her. It may really be over this time. She said she just pictures me leaving every time she sees me. She is still furious about the day I left and I cant believe I did either. There will be no Reconciliation until I can become someone else and she can become someone else. We both see that now.

So Forget it. I'll be her friend. I'll work on myself. I'm not sure if it will work out in the end but I also am not sure I can say never. Never say never. For now my hope is pretty squashed though I gotta be honest. But that faint glimmer of hope, i'll put it away today. But I cant stomp it out just yet. (I'm such a baby)

Goodnight america.
 
That's good you managed to talk things out with her and being honest with each other, knowing where each of you stand.

It's also good that you take this time now to focus on yourself and take some time to enjoy being single. Really, it'll rejuvenate you if you take good care of yourself and recover from this experience. I hope you'll hang in there and keep moving forward. Good luck, loketron.
 
Thank you Ladyforsaken. Your nice.


and thanks everyone for the help the last few days this has been quite a week but I guess the waiting is over. Its done with. thank you for talking with me.
 
loketron said:
Never Mind Abort Abort. I went and talked to her today and told her I wanted to Apologize for what I said. Apologize for leaving. I tried to pour my heart out and explain I made a mistake, again, but what had happened was a final red flag to her. It may really be over this time. She said she just pictures me leaving every time she sees me. She is still furious about the day I left and I cant believe I did either. There will be no Reconciliation until I can become someone else and she can become someone else. We both see that now.

So Forget it. I'll be her friend. I'll work on myself. I'm not sure if it will work out in the end but I also am not sure I can say never. Never say never. For now my hope is pretty squashed though I gotta be honest. But that faint glimmer of hope, i'll put it away today. But I cant stomp it out just yet. (I'm such a baby)

Goodnight america.

You will still be friends if you go no contact for thirty days...explain that you both need time to process and think about this calmly...

my recommendation is to have faith in the no contact process and see how it plays out

GL
 
Don't "try" to save anything.

Let things work out naturally on their own.

If it was meant to be, the relationship will go on otherwise it won't.

Don't "force" anything.
 

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