Nuisance Neediness

I only have one significant social relationship, with a lady whose social life is way, way more successful than mine. She's a retired school principal in a smallish town.....she knows tons of people, her social skills and comfort level are in a league that I'll never know. Her activities and community involvements with various clubs and public service committees are so numerous that her 'personal time' for herself is stretched pretty thin.

Nevertheless she's chosen me, virtually (..not quite, but kind of close to it..) a social isolate, to be her man. Hey, that's good eh! Lucky me! Really. How does an ALL type guy like me even meet someone like her? We're partners on several of the 2 person teams in a volunteer group....we're out there pulling weeds and pruning trees etc. in public places that Parks & Rec. overlooks.

Here's my issue: Last month or so, she's seemed preoccupied, always running late for some meeting or other, even busier than she usually is. You're maybe guessing it.....needy me is thinking "..Oh! She knows I'm a loser....she's finally dropping me...." I wasn't in crisis over it, not in a tailspin of despair, the world wasn't coming to an end.....it was just another shovel full of honeysuckle in the face, what else is new?

So I calmly and reasonably emailed her and basically said, '..I see we're at a crossroads here, you're moving on and I'm not part of the picture anymore. OK, I won't make a nuisance of myself by hanging around..'

Boy did I get things wrong. She immediately emailed back and said, 'How can you think that?! We're in this together for the long haul! We're not gonna get old alone, you and me! You're my handyandy! There's just been a focus of things all at once, I'll be back to normal if I can just get through this next week....'

She also called and confirmed that we were still on for our turn to tend the local college's Japanese Garden, which is a serene place for two people to speak of things, while they're raking and pruning.

So what the eff is up with me? I'm a lucky guy and I'm so paranoid and mistrustful that I read into a lady's busy life commitments that she's dumping me? The concept of self fulfilling prophecy comes to mind. Just by thinking it and offering to bow out could make it true. Some other lady might have thought, Well OK, this guy's this unsure of things, I can find somebody more confident...

I'm wondering is it always gonna be like this in my head? I thought I was being so reasonable but I was so wrong. When do I actually trust what I perceive to be real, is really real? And should I voice my concerns to the lady and maybe make a problem happen that isn't there in the first place, or should I just act like the relationship is viable when maybe she's already said goodbye to it within herself, and I become some kind of needy hanger-on, clinging to a lost cause?

It really seems a bit absurd to be overthinking instead of just trusting and living.

This seems like one of those "you think it, it'll happen" type of thing. I don't know about her, but personally, if someone's just bound and determine to decide for me how important they are to me without me even saying anything about it, then I feel more and more each time that perhaps I should leave them alone. I'm going to just assume she has more patience than I do. Because I know mine is wearing thin, not just with this, but with people in general.

My advice: Don't do it to yourself. Believe me, being on that receiving end of it is quite frankly annoying. To me, anyway. So, don't start nothing, won't be nothing.

Maybe because you've been through a long period without a woman in your life it makes it difficult for you to really believe that one wants to stay with you?

I think instead of assuming you could have just brought it up and asked about it and discussed it before jumping to the conclusion that she's moving on without you.

I struggle with neediness too. I've never had the tables turned so I don't know own what it's like on the receiving end. Maybe because I don't ignore people I care about and always make time for them.

As Mr Diaz would say, "if you're my friend answer the ******* phone when I call you".

Paraiyar said:

Maybe because you've been through a long period without a woman in your life it makes it difficult for you to really believe that one wants to stay with you?

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Too right, I'm afraid. But I'm getting better at not being my own worst enemy. Good thing the lady is fond of me and kind of patient too.

constant stranger said:

Good thing the lady is fond of me and kind of patient too.

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Don't take that for granted. Kindness and patience can run out.

Don't send emails! Sit down and talk face to face. She loves you for who you are. Steady eddy to her crazy schedule. Just let it BE. Enjoy her. Enjoy your life with her. Dont over analyze this. But, it is tiring to constantly reassure someone. If she doesn't love you anymore, she is a strong and accomplished woman so she will say so. So, just take a deep breath and understand you are loved.

VanillaCreme said:

constant stranger said:

Good thing the lady is fond of me and kind of patient too.

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Don't take that for granted. Kindness and patience can run out.

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You've made your point, thanks for the input.

kamya & dd11, that's good advice. I was probably risking a self fulfilling prophecy and I'll know better now.