Dating someone bipolar, need some advice.

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A_kind_Stranger

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36 (F), I am currently in a long distance relationship with someone I have known for 3+ years. I had just gotten out of a relationship 3 months ago, which lasted a yr and half because the person had to move overseas. Before that I was married and divorced (due to alcohol abuse). The current boyfriend (let's call him Sam) lived in Seattle, and was a fwb when we first met. (Back when he was in NY) At the time I was exploring myself because I had gotten out of an abusive marriage, being bi I also pursued females,etc.

Sam and I shared a similar past, where we were both sexually abused. We had a lot of passion for each other, and he made me feel special. But ultimately I moved on because of different goals in life and I wasn't ready to date someone with bipolar. We kept on touch, he was not over me even though he dated a few people. So after my last breakup I decided to give this a try because he wanted the same things I wanted, commitment, marriage, and kids. He come to visit for a bit, but due to sudden database breach of his company and pending lawsuits he went back to Seattle, he promised he would move back after his trip with his parents. He went through a small period of depression, where communication was lacking. We then started texting on a consistent basis, about future plans, etc. But the texting stopped this week, and I was looking forward to seeing him because initially he was suppose to come back last week. His last text was Wed night that he's sorry he's been distant, but he was either too busy or had no desire to text. I didn't know if he's going through moods, but I texted him that he needs to let me know what's going on, and to call me if we're continuing to be long distance. And hopefully let me know when he's coming back because I am looking forward to seeing him. I didn't want to seem desperate, and am hoping he'll make things right. I'm trying to prepare to mentally move on, but I also really want to see where this can go if situation gets better, because I do think he loves. He trust me with his inner thoughts, and provides emotional support, and I love him even as a friend. My gut says to give it a little more time, but I have to prepare if things don't work out, and it does hurt to be in this position.
 
Welcome @A_kind_Stranger.

I personally don't think one should put a lot of any kind of, 'credence,' into psychiatric labels. It's a very big subject, that isn't really what you are talking about, (though perhaps quite related). Suffice it to say, let's just say, bipolar or not: we all have personalities and personality traits.

Point being: you could stick a bunch of so-called, 'bi-polar,' people in a room, and, they will all be completely different.

People are people. And, sadly, people have their limits as to what they will and won't tolerate and commit too, for varying degrees of different reasons. A wife who falls ill of some kind, physically, mentally, whatever, may lose her husband, if he decides (this is too much and I want more than this, etc..), and vice versa.

So, people are people, and relationships... are relationships.

That all being said: from the outset, you stated you had reservations as to dating some one who was, 'bipolar.' I translate that as: "I wasn't sure I wanted to be dating some one who has circumstantial hang-ups and baggage" (which, many people do). And now you are in a relationship with this person, and you are, 'hurt,' by his actions: you need from him to communicate clearly what is going on. If he's retreating into his mental cave, you want or need to know about it.


Perhaps you are trying to get milk from a bull. This is some one who has their quirks, and their way of dealing with them. It's unlikely, overnight, they are suddenly going to wake up and say to themselves; "I should really deal with my bouts of low-mood differently!" So, that's kind of on you, because, you did know a little bit about what you may have been getting into.

And on the other side of the coin, it is a very reasonable request, to make upon some one (in my opinion), for them to let you know what is going on (within reason, of course).

So I guess the two major questions that come to my mind are: if he does let you know, from now on: "Hey, I'm retreating into the mental cave a bit, feeling low." Will that be enough to satisfy your needs or wants? Or from that point, are you going to want/need more from him again? For some people, they don't talk things out, they internally deal with stuff; and that can be difficult for people who need to talk things out, and communicate their way through things.

Does he need to learn to communicate more and be more open? Or do you need to learn to let things be a bit and chill? Could be either or, could be a bit of both.

Beyond analysis; I don't think it is in the slightest, an unreasonable request to make.

Good luck. If you've explained to him, it's necessary and important for you to be kept in the loop, sounds like you've done your part (as for as communicating your needs/wants/concerns goes).
 
TropicalStarfish said:
Thank you for your insight. I understand bipolar doesn't define a person, and never meant to judge a person based on it. But I do know statistically it can be hard on relationships if there's no good communication and cooping mechanism. I have gone through horrible relationship in the past where it was abusive, but I just tried to hold down on it because I was trying to be a good wife. So perhaps I have a bit of baggage of my own. I guess I am expecting more from him, because he wants me to marry him and have a family. Generally we express how we feel about things pretty openly, he told me I'm the love of his life, and I opened my heart to him. I try to understand there may be times he wants to be alone, right now it's hard because I only saw him a few times this year, and was excited thinking he'd be back by now. Maybe when we see each other more often, then it wouldn't feel so bad being suddenly cutoff from communication for a bit, but I need to understand if it's something he can't help, and best way to approach it, and if he's not taking medication then perhaps he needs to. If that doesn't happen, then it'll be very hard going forward. I do hope he will not take this lightly because in a way, I was always there for him. Right now I'm just hoping he reach out, as I'm not sure what the sudden change is.
Click to expand...
 
A_kind_Stranger said:
Hi Okidoke, are you referring to the above message? I just deleted the original reply and added my input. Thank you.
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@A_kind_Stranger When you hit the "reply" button, in another user's post, it will quote them: such that, you can respond to their message. Like I did above: I hit "reply" in your latest post, and then, typed my response here.

You'll figure it out. But, in your former response to me, you have me quoted as saying: what your response was! haha

I've been misquoted before, so no worries. :p You'll learn the ropes, if you stick around.

If you just want to reply to a thread generally, you scroll on down the bottom and it will say, "Post reply".
 
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I agree with Trop about the labels. Labels are often just excuses to either not do something or give someone a pass. People are definitely people, regardless of what labels can be attacched to them and their actions show you who they are, not their words.
That said, people SUCK at communication, for the most part. And sadly, it's a vital aspect of a relationship, especially a long distance relationship. Have you told him how you feel? Depressed or not, he either wants to be with you or he doesn't. Depressed or not, if he wants to stay in a relationship with you, he has to put in the effort and talk to you. Go with your gut, give him a bit more time, but make sure he knows how you feel. Make sure he knows what you need. His feelings/moods/whatever aren't more important than yours.
 
Manic depression also known aa Bipolar Disorder isn't just a 'label' its a very real, terrifying and destructive illness. It distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviours, destroys the basis of rational thought and too often erodes the desire and will to live. Mental illnesses are a daily struggle, yet you're seemingly required to have a breakdown in order for people to understand how hard you were trying to hold yourself together.

There was/is a very valued and popular member of this forum that had Bipolar Disorder, one day she just vanished, if you lot understood anything about this terrible illness, you'd know how f*cking scary that is.
 
randomguy said:
Manic depression also known aa Bipolar Disorder isn't just a 'label' its a very real, terrifying and destructive illness. It distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviours, destroys the basis of rational thought and too often erodes the desire and will to live. Mental illnesses are a daily struggle, yet you're seemingly required to have a breakdown in order for people to understand how hard you were trying to hold yourself together.

There was/is a very valued and popular member of this forum that had Bipolar Disorder, one day she just vanished, if you lot understood anything about this terrible illness, you'd know how f*cking scary that is.
Click to expand...
@randomguy - thank you. I was about to get on my soapbox about Bipolar Disorder being far, far more than a ‘label’ because I’ve seen its effects first-hand through my father and other friends. It’s a cruel illness that destroyed our family and I bear witness to how much my father suffered through it. People who suffer from it might experience their symptoms differently from each other, but there’s still a groundline of common symptoms that defines Bipolar Disorder.

It irks me that so often people refer to legitimate and destructive mental illnesses as ‘labels’ as if they’re conditions that should be treated with lesser care and seriousness than say, cancer.
 
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ringwood said:
@randomguy - thank you. I was about to get on my soapbox about Bipolar Disorder being far, far more than a ‘label’ because I’ve seen its effects first-hand through my father and other friends. It’s a cruel illness that destroyed our family and I bear witness to how much my father suffer through it. People who suffer from it might experience their symptoms differently from each other, but there’s still a groundline of symptoms that defines Bipolar Disorder and are common to everyone.

It irks me that so often people refer to legitimate and destructive mental illnesses as ‘labels’ as it they’re something that should be treated with lesser care and seriousness than say, cancer.
Click to expand...

Okay, so I said often, not always. Just because a mental illness is legitmate and destructive doesn't mean that they don't use them as an excuse. My son has several legitimate and destructive mental illnesses and sometimes yes, it is legit and he can't help it, but he also uses those labels as an excuse at times. I 100% support him and will always love him, but that doesn't mean that I should put myself at risk or allow myself to suffer because he has those legitimate (and sometimes not so legitimate) issues. It doesn't always mean that I'm the best person to help him or that I even can help him at times.

Legitimate mental illness or not, actions speak louder than words. You either want to help yourself or you don't, whether that's because you're scared, or don't know how or just don't want to because you think it's pointless and nothing will help. Regardless of the reason or logic because the choices one makes, it comes down to that. I'm not even saying it's easy or simple to do. I'm not saying you will be able to control at all times. You can't and won't ALL of the time. I know plenty of people who have legitimate mental issues, bipolar being one of them. Doesn't change the fact that sometimes, you need to put yourself first.
 
randomguy said:
Manic depression also known aa Bipolar Disorder isn't just a 'label' its a very real, terrifying and destructive illness. It distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviours, destroys the basis of rational thought and too often erodes the desire and will to live. Mental illnesses are a daily struggle, yet you're seemingly required to have a breakdown in order for people to understand how hard you were trying to hold yourself together.

There was/is a very valued and popular member of this forum that had Bipolar Disorder, one day she just vanished, if you lot understood anything about this terrible illness, you'd know how f*cking scary that is.
Click to expand...
Hi random guy, your points are all valid. I feel like I should've probably changed my title. That being said, I know how much of a struggle this can be. I'm hoping for the best, it's been hard not knowing if he's suffering from episodes or just busy like he said, either case I respected his wishes to not want to text. But I will have my own limits too, I wonder if I should reach out first if I don't hear from him for another week.
 
ringwood said:
@randomguy - thank you. I was about to get on my soapbox about Bipolar Disorder being far, far more than a ‘label’ because I’ve seen its effects first-hand through my father and other friends. It’s a cruel illness that destroyed our family and I bear witness to how much my father suffered through it. People who suffer from it might experience their symptoms differently from each other, but there’s still a groundline of common symptoms that defines Bipolar Disorder.

It irks me that so often people refer to legitimate and destructive mental illnesses as ‘labels’ as if they’re conditions that should be treated with lesser care and seriousness than say, cancer.
Click to expand...
Mate I'm done, this forum is the worst place for someone with any kind of mental illness to be, The Princess knew it as most of the others that told me they were off did. There's this thing called the 'Dunning Kruger effect' a type of cognitive bias where people with little expertise or ability assume they have superior expertise or ability. This overestimation occurs as a result of the fact that they don't have enough knowledge to know they don't have enough knowledge.

So yea, I'm fed up of rattling my chains around here like bloody Marley's ghost. You have always been an absolute joy and pleasure to know. See ya kid.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Okay, so I said often, not always. Just because a mental illness is legitmate and destructive doesn't mean that they don't use them as an excuse. My son has several legitimate and destructive mental illnesses and sometimes yes, it is legit and he can't help it, but he also uses those labels as an excuse at times. I 100% support him and will always love him, but that doesn't mean that I should put myself at risk or allow myself to suffer because he has those legitimate (and sometimes not so legitimate) issues. It doesn't always mean that I'm the best person to help him or that I even can help him at times.

Legitimate mental illness or not, actions speak louder than words. You either want to help yourself or you don't, whether that's because you're scared, or don't know how or just don't want to because you think it's pointless and nothing will help. Regardless of the reason or logic because the choices one makes, it comes down to that. I'm not even saying it's easy or simple to do. I'm not saying you will be able to control at all times. You can't and won't ALL of the time. I know plenty of people who have legitimate mental issues, bipolar being one of them. Doesn't change the fact that sometimes, you need to put yourself first.
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Hi TheRealCallie, thank you for sharing your perspectives on the matter. I agree that it's up to the person to also want to get help. This comes with laying down boundaries that can still make this a healthy relationship. Right now I'm putting myself first by trying to busy myself. The sleepless nights I take thc. The ball is on his court now to reach out, I left enough messages to express how important it is to keep me in the loop on things. At the end of the day, I need to feel respected in that hes putting enough effort in the relationship when he can.
 
@A_kind_Stranger

The last piece of advice I'd offer you is the following; I'll try to be brief.

The wisdom that's generally been laid upon me, from an early age is (whether I've lived by it or not..), is: expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed. Great expectations, when you really stop, for a good while, and consider them, are just that: expectations that are quite large.

Secondly, in my estimation, relationships that aren't keeping score, are the best ones.

Anyway, that's as much as I can offer, I believe. Good luck.
 
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TropicalStarfish said:
@A_kind_Stranger

The last piece of advice I'd offer you is the following; I'll try to be brief.

The wisdom that's generally been laid upon me, from an early age is (whether I've lived by it or not..), is: expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed. Great expectations, when you really stop, for a good while, and consider them, are just that: expectations that are quite large.

Secondly, in my estimation, relationships that aren't keeping score, are the best ones.

Anyway, that's as much as I can offer, I believe. Good luck.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your wisdom :) I think there are varying degree of expectations when it comes to relationships. If there's no expectations, then it's just like 2 roommates living together. But I agree when getting into a new relationship it's best not to have expectations until it's shown. I might be susceptible to love bombing where I choose to believe the person is being genuine. I'm just trying to keep myself hopefully, because I do feel like it's a bit early to just give up because we ran into problems. I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic, and maybe some point I'd need to re-evaluate.
 
A_kind_Stranger said:
36 (F), I am currently in a long distance relationship with someone I have known for 3+ years. I had just gotten out of a relationship 3 months ago, which lasted a yr and half because the person had to move overseas. Before that I was married and divorced (due to alcohol abuse). The current boyfriend (let's call him Sam) lived in Seattle, and was a fwb when we first met. (Back when he was in NY) At the time I was exploring myself because I had gotten out of an abusive marriage, being bi I also pursued females,etc.

Sam and I shared a similar past, where we were both sexually abused. We had a lot of passion for each other, and he made me feel special. But ultimately I moved on because of different goals in life and I wasn't ready to date someone with bipolar. We kept on touch, he was not over me even though he dated a few people. So after my last breakup I decided to give this a try because he wanted the same things I wanted, commitment, marriage, and kids. He come to visit for a bit, but due to sudden database breach of his company and pending lawsuits he went back to Seattle, he promised he would move back after his trip with his parents. He went through a small period of depression, where communication was lacking. We then started texting on a consistent basis, about future plans, etc. But the texting stopped this week, and I was looking forward to seeing him because initially he was suppose to come back last week. His last text was Wed night that he's sorry he's been distant, but he was either too busy or had no desire to text. I didn't know if he's going through moods, but I texted him that he needs to let me know what's going on, and to call me if we're continuing to be long distance. And hopefully let me know when he's coming back because I am looking forward to seeing him. I didn't want to seem desperate, and am hoping he'll make things right. I'm trying to prepare to mentally move on, but I also really want to see where this can go if situation gets better, because I do think he loves. He trust me with his inner thoughts, and provides emotional support, and I love him even as a friend. My gut says to give it a little more time, but I have to prepare if things don't work out, and it does hurt to be in this position.
Click to expand...
I did get a text back from him, he explained that he had a bolt of depression. He was trying to come up with new ideas, that he felt unmotivated and without purpose, but the lack of motivation also brought him peace. He acknowledged that I deserved more from him. I kind of knew this was the case, I had texted for him to call me prior, I am little bummed he didn't, but maybe that's the best I can expect right now. I haven't responded, I'm just doubtful of my ability to be a supportive partner if this is already taking a mental toll on me. But I am happy that he replied, atleast I do still want to spend time with him, even though I was paranoid reading about all the failed BP relationships. Hopefully the answers will become more clear. I really want him to take the initiative of calling me even if texting is more his thing, I'm not sure if this should be a big of a deal.
 
A_kind_Stranger said:
I really want him to take the initiative of calling me even if texting is more his thing, I'm not sure if this should be a big of a deal.
Click to expand...
If you were in the same city, it probably wouldn't be a big deal if he only texted you. But, he's on the other side of the country. There really needs to be more than text while it's long distance.
How long does he plan to stay there?
 
A_kind_Stranger said:
36 (F), I am currently in a long distance relationship with someone I have known for 3+ years. I had just gotten out of a relationship 3 months ago, which lasted a yr and half because the person had to move overseas. Before that I was married and divorced (due to alcohol abuse). The current boyfriend (let's call him Sam) lived in Seattle, and was a fwb when we first met. (Back when he was in NY) At the time I was exploring myself because I had gotten out of an abusive marriage, being bi I also pursued females,etc.

Sam and I shared a similar past, where we were both sexually abused. We had a lot of passion for each other, and he made me feel special. But ultimately I moved on because of different goals in life and I wasn't ready to date someone with bipolar. We kept on touch, he was not over me even though he dated a few people. So after my last breakup I decided to give this a try because he wanted the same things I wanted, commitment, marriage, and kids. He come to visit for a bit, but due to sudden database breach of his company and pending lawsuits he went back to Seattle, he promised he would move back after his trip with his parents. He went through a small period of depression, where communication was lacking. We then started texting on a consistent basis, about future plans, etc. But the texting stopped this week, and I was looking forward to seeing him because initially he was suppose to come back last week. His last text was Wed night that he's sorry he's been distant, but he was either too busy or had no desire to text. I didn't know if he's going through moods, but I texted him that he needs to let me know what's going on, and to call me if we're continuing to be long distance. And hopefully let me know when he's coming back because I am looking forward to seeing him. I didn't want to seem desperate, and am hoping he'll make things right. I'm trying to prepare to mentally move on, but I also really want to see where this can go if situation gets better, because I do think he loves. He trust me with his inner thoughts, and provides emotional support, and I love him even as a friend. My gut says to give it a little more time, but I have to prepare if things don't work out, and it does hurt to be in this position.
Click to expand...
I have returned with some status update if anyone still reads this. Unfortunately I haven't heard from him in over 3 weeks. I'm not exactly sure if something triggered from our last conversation. He said he needed to get surgery for a hernia that recently developed, so he'd need to go back to Seattle for it. Then asked me to borrow a considerable sum for his legal fees. I got defensive and said this is not sustainable, as in whatever amount I give him is not going to cover all his legal fees. He said he was embarrassed to ask but he has not asked anything from me before. I haven't heard from him since, and I been texting him and occasionally call a few times. I gave up on him responding, I just chalk it to him needing to sort his own things right now. But I'm not sure I'm able to accept this kind of ghosting, I just genuinely want him to be alright. I'm trying to date now to keep my options open and not feel so lonely. I don't know if jumping into dating is the best idea, but it keeps my mind occupied. Its tough to find the right person because I already have unconventional tastes and pickier standards now. Though I found pretty good chemistry with someone that might consider working outside of the US someday, so I don't know if I should pursue him further. But he provides the emotional need I needed atm.
 
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@A_kind_Stranger firstly, you don't have to hit "reply" to your own message. You can just scroll to the bottom and start typing in the box and then hit "post reply". Also, if you do the @ thing like I did here, it notifies the person that they were mentioned FYI.

TBBH (the second B is for Brutally) I would forget about the guy and move on. I understand you have some feelings for him, but this relationship will only ever bring you angst. You are lucky that you have the option of going on more dates. More power to you. Just try to enjoy your experiences and see what happens.
 

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