Online Dating?

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wallflower79 said:
This thread originally started out as a question that seemed to be an invitation to vent about the frustrations of online dating. It seems to me to have turned into a debate here on whether a "dateless" person should continue with the efforts of dating while others are saying that that is bad advice. Whether or not they are talking about online dating anymore isn't clear to me. But here is my two cents, or maybe it is a quarter:

I am 31 now and not what one might consider a "dateless" person. I guess I have a guy right now I am dating whom we have never had an official, or any kind really, of discussion of relationship status with. He lives about 40 minutes from me in a major city in my state, while I live in a smaller city in the same state. To be honest, I'm not sure I can say what we are or even if we are even dating anymore, since I haven't seen him in awhile. I will say, though, that I grew up in a very religious culture where "everyone" gets married by the time that they are, I dunno, say, about mid twenties. And that's considered old. I did not date in high school, but when I turned 18 I wanted to be married to someone of my religion, and being that I lived in the Chicago area at the time, which, might as well say it, doesn't have very many Mormons, my options of dating were always limited. There was a point where I decided I did not care to date men of my faith anymore since I was getting towards mid 20s and was not getting any dates, and I did meet many guys on POF, however they did not respect my standards and did stupid things like beg for sex or refuse to take me home until we had sex, so I gave up on the idea of dating men who weren't lds, and so I was dateless for years afterwards. Even when I went to college at BYUI, which was nicknamed "BYU-Ido" at the time because of its reputation of marrying off people. I hated every minute there and despite being very active and joining clubs, I think that when people found out I was over 25 they did not want to date me, and I stopped telling people my age. During that time I felt completely hopeless about dating and getting into a relationship, as seems to be a common feeling here. But what I want to say in regards to this discussion/argument, is that I understand why many of the guys here are angry and bitter about not being able to get in a relationship. I certainly know how that feels. Even with the advantages I know I have, I still feel at times like I want to just go somewhere alone and scream about the anger of it all, and I know that there are those worse off than me. When you are in this state of mind where everything seems hopeless and going to get worse, your brain tends to try and find coping mechanisms to deal with the situation. For me, this seemed to be a numbing effect where I stopped seeing myself as a person and beginning to experience a strange feeling as if being underwater sort of, like nothing around me is real, or I'm somehow detached and not part of what goes on around me. I even take medication to treat this and see a therapist, but I have to say that I really wish that on this site of all sites, a site for self described lonely people, there was a bit more of compassion for the hopeless.

If people do not get what they socially need as human beings, their very minds will start to find coping strategies to handle the situation whether it is a conscious decision or not. This is how mental illnesses begin. This is how terrible tragedies happen, and it is most unfortunate that even here no one can offer more than patronizing condescension with little thought to the diversity of experience that exists here. It is a human need to socialize, willpower be damned. Sure there are extraordinary stories of people that make it a long time in isolation on their own, but they certainly aren't healthy well-adjusted individuals. And there was a comment on here about how paralyzed people can walk with technology. Tell that to someone with cerebral palsy. I can tell you firsthand that some things cannot be "willpowered" and believed away. Someone in a wheelchair will have more limited options for dating than they would had they not had that disability. That is a simple fact. There may be many people who are willing to overlook that, but that does not change the fact that their pool is smaller or perhaps more shallow is a better word, than if they had been completely able-bodied. And so it goes for many things. My dating options are limited because I am crazy. So there's that.

I read a study that when a group of people were asked if they were faced with a choice of making a high enough income to be upper class, but made less than their peers, or make less but be better off than their peers, the would choose the latter. It is human nature to not only need to socialize, but to compare yourself to those around you in similar situations. It is how people figure out where they stand socially, and also what they use as a point of reference so that they can solve their own problems. The thing about this sort of frustration and hopelessness, is that it is a malady that is not likely treated with harsh criticism and angry vitriol, at least in my experience. If a person wants to vent, they should have every right to do so, and I believe that it would be conducive to the discussion and to the improvement of these people's situations if they could at least be heard.
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Whoa.  An intelligent and relatable post that displays empathy instead of a knee-jerk assigning of blame to the OP.  Someone inform the mods.
 
ardour said:
Whoa.  An intelligent and relatable post that displays empathy instead of a knee-jerk assigning of blame to the OP.  Someone inform the mods.
Click to expand...

Actually, the thread didn't turn into blame until MUCH later and NO ONE blamed the OP.  The original post asked if anyone else found online dating frustrating. He kept it about dating and dating only, not excuses or blaming.  
You guys are the ones who helped turn it into this ridiculousness. :)
 
Actually, I did. I believe I started it by saying something along the lines of "Look ma, another woe is me thread" or some such.
:)
It's okay, I'll fess up to it, no problem.
Online dating still sucks.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Nice try, but you didn't say that til page 23.  It started well before that. Lol
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Oh, right. ****. Here I was all proud to have started an argument and sat back on the sidelines!
 
kamya said:
I've said it probably 10 times in this thread, that there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that a problem exists. You can even try understand the main reasons why it exists without blaming someone or claiming that someone is doing something wrong. Sometimes the system is just shitty.
Click to expand...

Old thread is old, and what I have to say isn't really in the context of online dating specifically, but I just wanted to say I agree with this.

In today's world, it seems like you're not allowed to say there's anything wrong with the system - any system, whether it's work/money, attraction/dating, anything at all.

The system is seen as good and just and right - or it's not, but the response is "who cares" because the system is stronger than you, and "might makes right" - real forward thinking there - and if you're having a problem with it for whatever reason, it's always your fault. No complaint or criticism is legitimate. If you're having a problem with the system, then you're just "entitled", "lazy", have "moral/character faults", "want too much" and need to settle/resign yourself to a shithole existence, you're just an outsider/peasant and need to know your place, you're just "low value" (I always thought this phrase was particularly, gratuitously insulting, and just overall f*cked), or your favorite other society "insider" a**hole Buzzword of the Week, these things that have become endemic as A**hole Culture takes over the world. But it can't ever be that, wait a minute...the system is actually, and actively, bad. And it's so bad, because a few people get a LOT out of it staying that way. In fact the worse it gets, the more they get.

Honestly I think a lot of people take the system's side, because they want to fantasize that they themselves are more of society "insiders", than they really are.
They think shitting on the poor person/person who struggles to learn something/unpopular person/person that struggles in dating/etc., will make them "cooler", or it will make them a "tough" "no nonsense" person, a "badass".
It's just like some of the less "popular" kids ass-kissed up to the "popular" ones, in hopes of improving their own position by association.
It's power and status wish fulfillment fantasies.
Brown-nosers are the worst.

Thinking back over my life, the system - from popularity, to careers, to attraction - it's always been elitist and shitty. The game has never made itself more nice of its own accord - instead people have made the game nicer artificially, by deciding to act more civilized, and all-around kinder. And the thing is, while I don't think it's a justification to go on a rampage, OR to crumble inwards and give up on life, I do think it should be normalized to say "you know what, the system IS shitty. It's f*cking sh*t. It sucks".

Maybe it will ignite, or inspire reform.
Maybe it will help you blow off some steam and stay sane and keep hanging in there until you get somewhere better, which is important because for the most part we are still on our own to make what we want to happen, happen ourselves. But I think if you're having a hard time, it's OK to say every now and then, that it's not you, that everything isn't your fault, that you aren't just defective and inferior - it's that this system, this game we all have to play, it's bad.

And that's the hard part - staying good, in a bad world. Not letting the shittyness of it all, turn you cynical and jade you on everything.

TL;DR:

Normalize saying "the system is shitty",
and remember that when it's hard instead of gaslighting yourself with the "everything is your fault"/"might makes right" a**hole narrative -
but at the same time, don't quit either.
 
Last edited:
TheSkaFish said:
Normalize saying "the system is shitty",
Click to expand...

Plenty of people say that the system is shitty and always since the world has been the world people have been saying that the system is shitty because, well, the system IS shitty. Sometimes I look at the stuff you people post and it's like I don't know what world you guys are living in, others it's just staring right into the confines of the North American mind and it's honestly scary. This time it's both.

Like, why do I get the impression that when honeysuckle hits the fan the first thing you people think of doing is going on a "rampage"? Because that's exactly what you're famous for, maybe? The regime must be absurdly controlling and oppressive if people feel like they have no other choice for resistance other than going on a rampage, because that's a type of resistance, too. And then dumbasses like Trump wanna say that the US is succumbing to arbitrary authoritarianism "just like third world countries". Just a few days ago an American told me that in the states employers can demand potential employees take polygraph tests at job interviews. Absolute barbarism.
 
Mr. Preuss said:
Plenty of people say that the system is shitty and always since the world has been the world people have been saying that the system is shitty because, well, the system IS shitty. Sometimes I look at the stuff you people post and it's like I don't know what world you guys are living in, others it's just staring right into the confines of the North American mind and it's honestly scary. This time it's both.

Like, why do I get the impression that when honeysuckle hits the fan the first thing you people think of doing is going on a "rampage"? Because that's exactly what you're famous for, maybe? The regime must be absurdly controlling and oppressive if people feel like they have no other choice for resistance other than going on a rampage, because that's a type of resistance, too. And then dumbasses like Trump wanna say that the US is succumbing to arbitrary authoritarianism "just like third world countries". Just a few days ago an American told me that in the states employers can demand potential employees take polygraph tests at job interviews. Absolute barbarism.
Click to expand...

I only meant it in the sense of, like what Kamya said, that I quoted - that it's OK to point out that there are problems with things, and that sometimes the system - whatever system it may be - could just be bad.

But today, if you say that a system is bad, people will come out of the woodwork to invalidate you. They think that because the system - whether money, popularity, online dating, anything else - has been good to them personally, that it's absolutely good, and if you have a problem with it, it's your fault.

That's the kind of thinking I'm against.
 
Fred said:
May I ask why you don’t want to date,
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I assume you are asking me since I said I don't want to date?

I will answer regardless.
At the time, I didn't want to date because my life was so busy and I was working on myself, so no time for a relationship.

Earlier this year, I did meet a guy online and had a relationship with him for several months. It ended, I wasn't sad it ended. Sure, he wasn't the right guy for me, but I think it was more that I think I'm way too independent to be in a relationship. I think it takes a strong person(not talking physical strength here, people) to be with someone who is so independent and has the majority of her ducks in a row and I think that relationship just reaffirmed that I don't want to deal with the drama (we didn't fight, so not that kind of drama) of a relationship.
 
TheRealCallie said:
I assume you are asking me since I said I don't want to date?

I will answer regardless.
At the time, I didn't want to date because my life was so busy and I was working on myself, so no time for a relationship.

Earlier this year, I did meet a guy online and had a relationship with him for several months. It ended, I wasn't sad it ended. Sure, he wasn't the right guy for me, but I think it was more that I think I'm way too independent to be in a relationship. I think it takes a strong person(not talking physical strength here, people) to be with someone who is so independent and has the majority of her ducks in a row and I think that relationship just reaffirmed that I don't want to deal with the drama (we didn't fight, so not that kind of drama) of a relationship.
Click to expand...
You are right it scares the crap out of most men that a woman can be totally independent of men .not me I think it’s sexiest thing a woman can do to show she need never to bow or ask a man for a M F T if you get my drift! This way when you find a man that you truly like you will know it’s just for love and nothing else because he doesn’t have anything you need but love!!! Good luck to you I hope you find him you certainly have the looks and all else that goes with it🙂
 

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