I feel like I lost all my friendships

I seem to have forgotten about this forum for a long long while until the day the word LONELY began to scream in my head. I don’t know when and why I disappeared from here, been years and a lot had happened.

Like the title states, I feel like everyone just disappeared, doesn’t want to hang out or talk to me.

A little context:
I’ve always been an introvert and I realised it in high school when I had like two friends and the rest of the class never tried to even talk to me for all those years. I used to be seen by them as a loser for whatever reason. I cried a lot at graduation because of that as if to finally let all my emotions out. My social life changed when I started university and I have probably been at my peak in socialness. I found the love of my life there too. We now have a beautiful little one year old girl.
That peak I spoke of, it disappeared when COVID hit. I became that socially awkward and anxious girl I used to be before university again. I haven’t been able to fix it again ever since. I worked from home and I would occasionally go out with my man and our friends to hangout. Not as often as before though, but at least we talked with our friends. We were all in a huge group, however everyone broke up and we would go out and talk separately with everyone.
Fast forward to me giving birth to my daughter and going out on maternity leave. My relationship with my own family (mother and grandparents) has gotten worse ever since I’ve set my boundaries with them so I don’t count on their help at all. I do not talk to my mother anymore. I’m closer with my man’s family but they are in another city and it’s not helping me either. My man himself is at home with us but is currently taking on several jobs and we have been spending so much less time together.
I am obligated to take my daughter on walks every day regardless so the two of us go out every day.
Now my friends, they’re all single and working and I have no mother friend to hang out with during the week. I have offered to those that I’m acquainted with but they leave me with a promise and then it’s radio silence.
On the weekends, my friends are always busy or out of town. Some don’t even reply when I ask but are actively posting on social media. It’s irritating to say the least and it makes me think they’re avoiding me. Honestly I know that I shouldn’t take any of it personally, as I haven’t done anything wrong to any of them, each of us minds their own business and has never hurt the other in anyway. But I have to say motherhood is really exhausting and sometimes it’s pushing my thoughts to negativity and I feel hurt.
Now on Christmas there are several places to hangout and I went to one with my daughter (she had a nap in her stroller) and everyone there was with somebody. What I did upon watching this for several minutes was go home and cry. I realised how lonely I felt.
Since then I have been feeling somewhat resentful to everything and everyone. I have nobody to turn to either because I don’t trust them or because they’re too busy. I myself haven’t even gotten time alone to sit with my thoughts and find out what I want because all that is expected of me to do is take care of my child. I don’t have the energy left to find new people and befriend them, especially considering that I’m socially awkward and introverted.

I should be happy that I have what I always dreamed of but instead I feel exhausted, forgotten and lonely. I just hate it and I don’t know who to talk to about it. So I’m here ranting about it. Thanks for reading.

PS I don’t have time to proof read so if anything doesn’t make sense I’m sorry, I will correct it if pointed out.

I'm sorry for you feel lonely. I know the feeling. I have no advice to give because I haven't been able to improve my own lonely situation that has been present for years and years. I have reluctantly accepted that I will forever be a lonely miserable guy, which is sad because I'm genuinely an amicable person. I truly hope things improve for you. One thing that does come to mind is, what about connecting with mothers of kids the same age as yours, at a pre-school or kindergarten, or the like. Just a thought.

okidoke said:

One thing that does come to mind is, what about connecting with mothers of kids the same age as yours, at a pre-school or kindergarten, or the like. Just a thought.

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I’m hoping that I can meet moms like that next year when she starts going to daycare. For now it’s just me and my baby. Honestly meeting new people is so hard for me because of my social anxiety, so I have given up hope for this, but we’ll see how that turns out. I am fully aware that no one can save me and find me new friends - it’s up to me to go out there and socialize, and yet I can’t find that strength to do so

Just let it happen on its own. Don’t think about it too much.

I don't know where in the world you live, but do you have any type of Mommy and Me groups? That would be an excellent way to not only bond more with your daughter, but also to meet new people. From what I've heard, those groups are really good about accepting new people. After the class you could go out for coffee or something and talk.
As for time to yourself, what about a babysitter? Even if it's only for an hour or two so you can get some time for yourself.

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings? Does he know how lonely and unwanted you feel? If not, I would start there. Even if he is busy, he needs to make time for you because that resentment you feel will build and build until it can't be repaired. Maybe get a babysitter and go out for a date night? I know I've mentioned babysitter twice now and I 100% understand why you might not be comfortable with this idea, but really consider it so you don't lose any more of your sanity. I remember the feeling well when I was a first time mom and my husband was never around and then as a single mom when I did not get any breaks and had to do everything myself.

Now, I don't want to step on your toes or anything and I hesitate to bring this up, but could you maybe be feeling some postpartum depression symptoms?

There probably are groups like that but I haven’t heard of them. I know about groups online where everyone shares or asks something and I’ve been in such although they’re not always nice and that’s why I left. I will try and find time to research about this type though.

I’ve told this my husband a lot of times and he keeps trying to make me see the bigger picture like how what he does will pay off in the long term and how it’s necessary since I’m off from work. There are a lot of expenses to cover for our baby. He’s right about all that but I still miss him as a friend. Our sexual life is alright though, no complaints there. Just… things used to be different, but I guess our life was also different. He promised today that he will dedicate more time to us during the holidays and we’ll see what that will look and feel like.

Babysitting is not so common here I think? We did leave her with his mother and went out just the two of us together once and it was nice. It’s been a while since then and my daughter has become louder ever since and I’m not used to that as a quiet person. I’m generally not okay with leaving someone with my daughter so that I can take a break because my own mom did so for the last 26 years. Call it traumatic response if you will. But I get the idea. I do need a break once in a while too and I’m hoping to find it soon because I’m going crazy for sure.

I don’t think it’s postpartum depression because it’s been a little more than a year since I gave birth and I was mentally okay then. I find that it’s more like a circumstances caused depression or whatever I’m having right now. I’m no expert so I’m not eager to diagnose myself.