I think I realised something about friendships

Earlier, I used to think that friendship was one of the greatest things in life, but gradually I am coming to realise that no one really takes it seriously. Everyone is busy in their own selfish pursuits (understandably; that's just how life works). If I would have a friend, I would go so far as to call him "brother", and frequently make plans to hang out. The bloke would say yes and I would go out and wait for an hour, and then he wouldn't come and make up some excuse.

Whenever I have had "friends", I would often message them, but they wouldn't even see it or reply to it. I could wait for an hour for them, but they couldn't even find ten seconds to see and reply to my message. It barely takes ten seconds to reply. Another thing I have noticed is that people just make friends to have an emotional punching bag, not to have a person to have fun with or spend time with. I used to feel bad even if I talked a little roughly with someone when I was frustrated, but they would think nothing was wrong even after using disgusting insults for me and my family. In fact, such insults are the norm.

When my friend was sick one day, I spent an entire evening praying to the gods for his well-being (I was way more religious back then ), but when I was sick, I called him five times, he did not pick up the call even once. I know I was just a cringeworthy loser considering "friendship" as some sacred bond.

One of the blokes refuses to help anyone, saying it is unmanly to help other people, but the only time he reaches out to someone is when he himself needs help. I dunno, I've been whining too much on this forum lately , but this is just about the only place I whine. I'm not like this in everyday life I promise

But since the last few months, I've become a bit apathetic myself. I've stopped worrying for other people. Since they don't care about me, I've stopped caring about them. No damns for "what they think of me". Bad things are happening in life already, I just don't care about other people's opinions of me anymore. Ain't no use being a goody-two-shoes when they ain't good to you.

There are different levels of "friends," some of which aren't really friends at all. Most of the people you are talking about sound like acquaintances to me. They'll talk to you and be friendly when you're around each other, but they don't often go out of their way to do things with you outside of where you typically see each other.

You also need to remember that just because you feel a certain way about someone doesn't necessarily mean that they feel the same way about you. Now, that said, you are jumping to a lot of conclusions in your post. Do you know what they were doing when you messaged them? Do you know that they even got it? Sure, this isn't going to be the case most of the time, but it is a potential theory. I can say that I live in an area that doesn't get the greatest cell service, so there are times when I don't get messages. Hell, I was talking to my mom on the phone one day and she sent me a message. I never got it. One year, I watched her send me 10 messages (we were in the same room) and I didn't even get one of them. They could have been busy and forgot they had a message....which has also happened to me before.

I'm not telling you that you should pass off anyone doing this, mind you....what I'm saying is that you should know all the details before you jump to conclusions.

My advice to you would be to let their actions speak for them. Words are, more often than not, just words. Their actions will tell you everything you need to know about them. But don't get cynical about friends at such a young age. You just need to find your crowd. That's where you will find your real friends. True friends are hard to come by in this world, so it takes work to find them and build that relationship with them, but even true friends will sometimes not always be there for you. Like you said, people are busy and sadly, it only gets worse as you get older. Life happens and you have to be at least a little understanding of that.

TheRealCallie said:

Most of the people you are talking about sound like acquaintances to me.

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Maybe I can't call them proper friends. They are just acquaintances, since we only talked where we typically saw each other. Damn, that means I have had just one proper friend in my life, but even he distanced himself from me later on.

TheRealCallie said:

Do you know what they were doing when you messaged them? Do you know that they even got it?

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Yeah, they surely got it. WhatsApp works fine, two ticks confirm they saw it. I even asked them later, they saw it, but just didn't feel like replying. Or sometimes they were busy. That is understandable.

But you seem to be a very old woman have you had good friendships in your life?

I would recommend the book: "The Gift of Friendship," by Alfred H. Hyatt

Yes, sometimes our friends, turn out to not really be our friends. Or a friendship is lopsided, or one sided. Sometimes friends disagree, part ways, have misunderstandings, or fallings out. It is not uncommon to have false friends.

When I first read this book, a few years ago now, it was a reminder to me, what Friendship is, and what it looks and feels like. I was reminded that True Friendship really does exist, because there is proof of it, right here, in this book. Real stories of and about friendship, from real people, that lived, breathed, wrote, and shared with the world.

No amount of cynicism could ever convince me otherwise, of the depth of Friendship.

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

Maybe I can't call them proper friends. They are just acquaintances, since we only talked where we typically saw each other. Damn, that means I have had just one proper friend in my life, but even he distanced himself from me later on.

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True friends are rare. You won't have too many of them in your life, IMO. So if you have the benefit of having one, treasure it.

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

But you seem to be a very old woman have you had good friendships in your life?

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Well, I suppose some your age would consider me "very old" lol (Shut up, @Abstamyous. lol) I've had several good friendships in my life. Some of them I've never actually met. I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. They've helped me through some very difficult times. I only have one friend from my high school days though, so don't let it get you down too much that you haven't found your crowd yet.

mustachioed_badass_42 said:

But you seem to be a very old woman have you had good friendships in your life?

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Lol!
Incoming!!!!
Beware the frying pan!!!!

Unsigned said:

Lol!
Incoming!!!!
Beware the frying pan!!!!

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And just what are you laughing at, sir? If I'm "very old," that would make you ancient. lol

I think the state of your mind could influence your outlook on friendships maybe. Like when we are in happier places we feel better about/ toward the people around us? I don't know.

I'm going through something similar. In the summer I got a wild idea that I needed to inject some energy into the relationships I still have, most are lifelong friends dotted around the country. So I got on like 7 or 8 planes to at least 5 different cities and states to spend time with my people.

In all those weeks and months I was gone from my home I spent a lot of money, treated people to dinners, helped them with their daily stufff, spend time, caught up, hung out with their children, made efforts.

- I'm on here whining a lot lately too about my cat dying - but when I came home my cat died a week later, and I can't get over having left my ACTUAL best friend to more or less foist myself upon these friends and family that haven't really called or shown up in a way that I feel acknowledges me. Like they're happy to have my time and attention, but I don't feel like anyone of these people I just went out of my way for has even called or said anything to me, when I'm pretty sure it's very obvious this is one of the most painful periods of my life.

My point is, I guess, is that when I was on those trips, visiting people, I felt good about those relationships, but now I feel like my care and presence and gestures go largely unreciprocated. Until now maybe I didn't notice that or have any real expectations, but now my friendships with these individuals are in a negative corner of my brain.

I'm not sure how accurate it is to feel this way - like I don't know if they really don't care about me or if they're just consumed, like you said, with their own lives, and my need isn't really at the top of their minds. Like, I didn't feel like I needed reciprocation when I was in the moment with someone, because the moment was 'enough' but now I see that those moments came at own expense, at my cat's expense, and I'm not sure if my efforts at keeping my friendships alive were worth what it cost me (the last weeks and months with my cat).

I hope your sentiment, and mine, will change, as it's a very dark place, adds to the lonely probably. Good luck

@littlefish555, all I want to do is give you a big hug. I’m so sorry for your cat.
I think that you should give yourself some time to grieve and then reflect on what happened later. Let the thoughts about for the friends sit for a while and then if you still feel negatively towards them just cut them off like they never existed. That’s what I would do at least.

@littlefish555 Sorry to hear about your loss. Maybe they are just consumed with their own needs, but I feel that if someone is a friend to me, then I'd have him quite high in my priorities list. Sure, other things in my life are important too, but if someone is my friend then I would surely find out time to comfort him in times of grief. If our interactions are nothing more than just formal courtesies and nothing deep, then we are just two people who happen to know each other, not really 'friends'...