Friends who never initiate

Would you consider somebody a friend if they never called or sent you a message? What about the kind of situation where you knew for certain that if you stopped initiating then that would be it?

I've known someone since 2005 (university) who I later worked near for about 2 years. When she left she said stuff like "we'll always be friends" and "any time you want to talk etc." (2 years ago) but never makes the slightest bit of effort to stay in touch. She gives some short response to FB messages I've sent once every few months but never reciprocates. We've been to lunch a couple of times since but she wanted to turn up on my 10 minute break instead which I thought was an insulting not-so-subtle way of saying "I want to minimize the time spent around you".

Bar mitigating circumstances, people do what they want and avoid what they don't want, right? She must have thought I was a "nothing", a creep, loser. End of story.

I've noticed this with a couple of others, it's always been up to me, although it's more understandable since they moved to different cities. She lives 15 mins away. What gets me now is not the rejection, but the implication that I lack the intelligence to see things for what they are. There's this *need* to let her know without wanting to sound bitter and pathetic (impossible as I AM bitter). Not because I want to re-establish contact as there's nothing to salvage here ; just for my own satisfaction. If I'm being honest "guilt trip" might be the operative too. Yet I think they should feel guilty. I've been through some serious stuff lately, but wasn't worth TYPING A SENTENCE for.

So what do you peeps think ; a F U message followed but deletion (definately bitter and attention-seeking), a quiete deletion (still bitter), or nothing? Still worth keeping in contact if it's just one-way?

I say let it go. Either the "friend" will drift off or will ask you one day why you haven't bothered to stay in touch- that's the invitation to speak your thoughts.

Simple and neat!

In past, I once knew this sort of experience from the other side.. of course, I have no idea what occurs in the mind of your friend, but maybe you should give 'benefit of the doubt' to her.

Maybe.. if you hate she does not initiate, ask her why is this? I believe.. the chance can be good, an answer can be much different from what you think..

Hmmm sounds very familiar this, 250 people on my old fb were like that. so I deleted it permenantly.

I'd move on, if they can't write more than 3 words then sod them. Not exactly hard to type online, or make a text, or phonecall is it? Why I have given up my family too

Don't take it personally, I get that you are hurt because I've been in the same place myself.

It's actually one of the main reasons I don't have, and never had, a FB account, cause I couldn't deal with the fact I didn't have as many friends as everyone else, and worse, that they didn't make the effort to contact me.

I've found that people tend to have really close friends that they share pretty much everything with, and then a wider circle that they socialise with.

So don't delete your friend. I know its tough but you'll meet new people, and you'll probably find that friend wants to contact you again when they haven't hear from you in a bit. But if you burn the bridge you might not be able to repair it.

All the best

I know what you mean, I've had friends like this. Friends that are happy to call you up and complain bitterly about their lives, but when you try and get in touch with them they become flippant or sarcastic whenever you want some help. I'm thinking of one person in particular - eventually I wondered why I felt obligated to contact that person, and reflecting that even though we did spend quite a lot of time together in the past and were pretty decent friends, it has always been pretty much that way between us. Eventually I just stopped bothering to contact her altogether and, of course, I haven't heard from her since. Which is fine by me.

Of course I've been this person too, so I guess I'm a hypocrite. Again, one person in particular - although I had no idea why he wanted to keep in touch because we didn't really have anything in common and weren't all that close. Maybe I should've made the effort... but I've found that it's been that way with most of my old friends. We've just drifted apart - actually, they stuck together among themselves pretty well, but I didn't keep in touch with them and they didn't keep in touch with me. Maybe all of us should've made more of an effort.

Sheesh, that post kind of descended into rambling. Don't be bitter or hateful, like maybelazy said you might not be able to repair it if you need it later. For me the options would be nothing (letting it go) or having a serious talk with her about it and figuring out where you stand. I think those are both valid ways to go about it. But if you delete her it might end up being something you both regret.

Peoples lives change over the years. Someone they may have wanted to keep in touch with they just don't. They might think about it but never find the time. I have a friend who it seemed I always contacted. One day out of the blue he sends me a message, he heard a certain singer on the radio and thought of me. He sent a brief message to tell me that and say hi. It was nice for a change, he only did it once and hasn't since. It showed me that even ones who you may not hear from for a long time still do think about you, as we do them.

Keep an open mind when it comes to this person. Sounds like they don't want to lose contact with you completely. If I had to take a guess with the lunch situation, I'd say maybe they are a busy person or made different plans that day without telling you. People can grow apart as well..and maybe it's "different" these days but they still don't want to lose you.

There's also a difference between friends who go months without talking but think about each other all the time, and know they care about each other, and send a message or letter every so often letting them know. And friends who talk only when something is bothering them and when they want something. Just don't rely on people who can't be there for you and you won't be disappointed. That's really all you can do.

Well, if you are tired of always having to initiate, then maybe you should let it go. You don't have to delete contacts or anything drastic. Just focus your energy and initiative somewhere else, where you get more 'value for the money'. I know that's not easy though, if you don't have anyone else to take this persons place.

i know this feeling very well. never found a solution except to let go, and try to worry about myself more. for now, i'd rather be lonely and have some amount of self-respect than to panic and worry and break down over people who have been friends for years, but only when their other friends are busy.

rdor, i think it's not really worth your time, trying to guilt trip them. i think you should move on, and look for better friends.

I find if you have to initiate all the time then the other person doesn't give a honeysuckle about you. It's best to forget about them and not waste your time. I'm going to be like that from now on. It's all I do, send bloody messages. And most people will reply to them out of politeness. Doesn't mean they care about you !

I only contacted her once every few months, and didn't comment too often on her status updates, but about a year and a half ago noticed I was blocked from seeing her wall, so I deleted her and she messaged me saying it was some sort of Facebook glitch (doubtful..). I knew she was probably lying but let it slide and accepted the friend request. Really lame of me, I could have ended it there and kept some self respect.

The one time she contacted me was to call me at work when she had left her bag at home and needed cash for parking.

She was saying what she said out of politeness to you rdor

rdor said:

I only contacted her once every few months, and didn't comment too often on her status updates, but about a year and a half ago noticed I was blocked from seeing her wall, so I deleted her and she messaged me saying it was some sort of Facebook glitch (doubtful..). I knew she was probably lying but let it slide and accepted the friend request. Really lame of me, I could have ended it there and kept some self respect.

The one time she contacted me was to call me at work when she had left her bag at home and needed cash for parking.

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The thing is if you delete somebody off facebook or ignore their mobile messages they get all offended and want to know why. Been thru that a few times. They can ignore me for months on end but if I ignore them (just one message) they send more messages and want to know why. And they act like they are bothered.

LOL Yeah I did that to a "friend" who stabbed me in the back. I only deleted her from my facebook, she in turned blocked me completely and removed me from her other account that she set up as her son. I just laughed.

Sci-Fi said:

LOL Yeah I did that to a "friend" who stabbed me in the back. I only deleted her from my facebook, she in turned blocked me completely and removed me from her other account that she set up as her son. I just laughed.

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Last year I must have got ignored 30 times by this woman. I sent text messages asking her how she was and she never replied. Over and over again. The only time she sent me a text was to ask me to work overtime in her shop.

She sent me a text a few months ago. I ignored it. So she sent another and then a facebook message asking me what was wrong.

So it was okay for her to ignore my messages and treat me like a nobody but when I did it once to her she made a big issue out of it.

(She's messing me about again this week. She answered my text last week and said we'll have a catch up and cuppa this week. She hasn't got back to me or tried to arranged anything)

All aload of bull !

In my experience, everyone stabs you in the back eventually. Good luck trying to hold anyone to their word in this day and age. Delete FB unless you like giving the CIA intimate details of your life, and having your quantum reality collapsed and minimized via observation.

ajdass1 said:

I know what you mean, I've had friends like this. Friends that are happy to call you up and complain bitterly about their lives, but when you try and get in touch with them they become flippant or sarcastic whenever you want some help. I'm thinking of one person in particular - eventually I wondered why I felt obligated to contact that person, and reflecting that even though we did spend quite a lot of time together in the past and were pretty decent friends, it has always been pretty much that way between us. Eventually I just stopped bothering to contact her altogether and, of course, I haven't heard from her since. Which is fine by me.

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It's pretty **** depressing when you think about, you were close (you say), spent a lot of time togethor, but once you stopped the one-sided thing she utterly forgets about you as if you'd never met. Didn't even care enough to type a few words to see how you are... in months... years... ever. Why do such people pretend to be a friend in the first place?