Rejected by Friend (sort of)

I went on a date with a friend a few days ago after mutually flirting with him for a number of years. We got to know each other better and I genuinely started to like him, not just be attracted to him. I was the one who asked him out but apparently he thought I wasn't serious.

It was very strange. He wanted to pay for our dinner date and even used the word "date" but when I teased him and asked if it was a date, he left me at the table to go to the bathroom. At that point, I told him that I did like him seriously, because I didn't want him to think I was playing games and he got angry at me.

In the end, he said he was attracted to me but he didn't want to date. He was happy with himself and his life and didn't want to disturb the equilibrium. I told him I didn't want to pressure him and that we were friends. He still flirted with me though (back hugging, standing close). He asked me if I wanted him to stop and I said, "I don't know, but I'll probably have to."

So I'm confused. He rejected me (and I cried afterwards, a lot) but it's like he wants to send out mixed messages. I'm going to take his words at face value (maybe he's a little conflicted inside), but I guess I'll have to stop being open to touching. Thoughts? Advice?

He did reject you, so you're allowed to remove any of the things that may be out of this particular friendship's comfort zone like hugging and flirting in order to recover in peace. Those aren't the foundations of a friendship, so I don't think you're slighting him.

If he gets angry, remind him that rejection hurts and you're not his girlfriend, which is what he should get if he wants hugging and flirting. Maybe it's a bit sharp, but those would be my words and I've never been one to mince them. I'd be deeply suspicious of someone who would get angry about the rejected not wanting to hug and flirt, anyway.

Your friend sounds like someone who's looking for more of a friends with benefits relationship or just some fun flirting at this point in his life, which is fine but no place for someone who genuinely likes him.

I'm sorry you had to go through an actual date before realizing it was just for fun. I confessed my feelings to a friend I've liked for some time, and while he admitted he briefly considered playing along to not hurt me he chose to be honest. I was told that he thought of me in ways he'd never thought of someone before, just not like that. I get the feeling he sees me as a sister.

I don't like how he's giving your mixed signals but like what Masque said, he did reject you. So be firm about it if the whole friends with benefits thing isn't what you want because that is what it seems like from my view too.

Sighs.. sorry you have been having issues with friends a lot even from before, edamame. *hugs*

Keep us updated, hope it goes well - good luck.

I'm sure he knows I won't be a friend with benefits. I told him it takes me a long time to trust people. He told me he hasn't dated in over a year. I guess my problem is, I still like him, and he encourages me liking him. If we see each other again, I will let him know I'm not okay about the hugging and flirting (and I'll stop myself from doing it too!).

Thanks Masque. I'm sorry about your friend, I guess I just feel a lot more lead on. I hope you guys can stay friends. And thank you ladyforsaken. I have a lot of self-esteem issues, so maybe I end up getting bullied by people too easily. I really needed someone to go to with this situation and you've both helped me a lot.

You're such a nice person, edamame. Sometimes I feel bad for you and wish that people stop treating you as such. But such is life. :\

Well you can always talk to us.. we'll see how we can help you. *hugs*

Hi edamame,

I would suggest not talking to him for a while.

Allow for some space between you two so YOU can get over him.

Truth is he rejected you, but by keeping continuous contact you will just liike him more and be more hurt.

Save yourself the hurt and cut the cord. Until YOU feel okay and strong enough to know that you can be friends.

Friendship is a two way street; you both have to give.

If all he's giving is mixed signals then he's not worth your time.

I wish you the best. And i'm sorry your heart was broken. I know the pain, but all i can say is keep your head up. I promise you things get better =)