How About Actively Seeking Rejection Instead of Fearing It?

SofiasMami · Feb 20, 2015

So I read this article awhile ago and I've thought about it often lately:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/201...g-a-game-out-of-rejection-a-man-conquers-fear

It talks about a young man in his 20s who was dumped by his girlfriend for... a taller man with more money. He realizes he feels very lonely and decides he is going beat his loneliness by talking to complete strangers. He takes this a step further by making requests like for a ride across town, for a breath mint or some such that is almost 100% guaranteed a "no" answer.
But he is overcoming his fear of rejection by other humans by facing it instead of hiding away. He even made a game of it.
The story put a smile on my face because I feel like I could do this too and also with the expectation that I'm going to be rejected but so what?

It just seems like an incredibly freeing feeling.
What do you think?

-Teresa

Tealeaf · Feb 21, 2015

Maybe for those with a chronic fear of rejection.

It's not so much the rejection itself I care about as it is the context. Who cares if someone won't give me a breath mint? It's much more personal when someone who was introduced to me in order to help me turns a blind eye.

AFrozenSoul · Feb 21, 2015

I say that this is great if you have a chronic fear of rejection. For me the problem is the use of my time. Why waste time doing something that has no benefit and is not enjoyable when I could be doing something that I enjoy?

Tiina63 · Feb 21, 2015

Tealeaf said:
Maybe for those with a chronic fear of rejection.

It's not so much the rejection itself I care about as it is the context. Who cares if someone won't give me a breath mint? It's much more personal when someone who was introduced to me in order to help me turns a blind eye.

I agree with this.

shadetree · Feb 21, 2015

I seen a guy i think it was on youtube doing that. Making a game of rejection. My fears of it are so deep seated its an irrational thing and i dont know if i could do it even then. The way my mind works honestly i dont feel like im in control of my life a lot of the time. It really makes me sad, because i realize in a lot of ways IM my own worst enemy.

So i think its a great idea if youre not a headcase like me that has that option lol.

Peaches · Feb 21, 2015

I tried something like that, I must be a head case too because in a couple of months that brought me to the brink of clinical depression…

SofiasMami · Feb 21, 2015

I think on days when I'm feeling isolated and that starts branching off into feelings of being rejected by humanity, those techniques might work. Heck, I occasionally start short conversations with strangers with no expectations and feel better afterwards. Like a hole is being filled up. Perhaps that's what this guy is getting at.

-Teresa

Peaches · Feb 21, 2015

SofiasMami said:
I think on days when I'm feeling isolated and that starts branching off into feelings of being rejected by humanity, those techniques might work. Heck, I occasionally start short conversations with strangers with no expectations and feel better afterwards. Like a hole is being filled up. Perhaps that's what this guy is getting at.

-Teresa

eh, you are right, the key to this is "no expectations", that's the part I probably failed

SofiasMami said:
I think on days when I'm feeling isolated and that starts branching off into feelings of being rejected by humanity, those techniques might work. Heck, I occasionally start short conversations with strangers with no expectations and feel better afterwards. Like a hole is being filled up. Perhaps that's what this guy is getting at.

-Teresa

eh, you are right, the key to this is "no expectations", that's the part I probably failed

SophiaGrace · Feb 21, 2015

Peaches said:
SofiasMami said:

I think on days when I'm feeling isolated and that starts branching off into feelings of being rejected by humanity, those techniques might work. Heck, I occasionally start short conversations with strangers with no expectations and feel better afterwards. Like a hole is being filled up. Perhaps that's what this guy is getting at.

-Teresa

Click to expand...

eh, you are right, the key to this is "no expectations", that's the part I probably failed

SofiasMami said:

I think on days when I'm feeling isolated and that starts branching off into feelings of being rejected by humanity, those techniques might work. Heck, I occasionally start short conversations with strangers with no expectations and feel better afterwards. Like a hole is being filled up. Perhaps that's what this guy is getting at.

-Teresa

Click to expand...

eh, you are right, the key to this is "no expectations", that's the part I probably failed

No, I think depression was a normal response

Tealeaf · Feb 23, 2015

SofiasMami said:
I think on days when I'm feeling isolated and that starts branching off into feelings of being rejected by humanity, those techniques might work. Heck, I occasionally start short conversations with strangers with no expectations and feel better afterwards. Like a hole is being filled up. Perhaps that's what this guy is getting at.

-Teresa

I do enjoy talking to random people, but not going beyond conversation in itself isn't a rejection and doesn't bother me.

constant stranger · Feb 24, 2015

I've dwelled on some of these issues too and my personal take has been, if I'm probably going to be rejected anyway, then I'll just cut to the endgame myself by displaying what a piece of damaged goods I am, inducing the inevitable rejection.

The effect is to put me in control......and renders me my own worst enemy. As a previous post on this thread touched on.

Shaye · Feb 24, 2015

Thank you for posting that article. I think I will give it a try and embrace rejection. What do I have to lose? Rejection is a strong theme in my life.

The key is to learn to embrace the rejection, or in other words, not care or beat myself up when I am rejected and in theory I should become desensitized to it. Because the objective IS to be rejected. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but I understand the concept and I can see how it could help some people. Hopefully I'm one of those people!

Shaye · Mar 24, 2015

Update. I have applied this technique of embracing rejection and found it liberating. I'm teaching myself that it is my opinion of me that matters, and not to take other people's opinions so seriously. People can be flippant, and much of what is said and done has more to do with what is going on in their head at the moment than about me. I am learning not to take rejection personally.

During the last month I was also put in a position of doing something that caused me great fear because it took me out of my comfort zone, and could have, if things went wrong, caused me extreme embarrassment. I found a book called "Feel The Fear . . .And Do It Anyway". And that's what I did. Over all, my worst fears never materialized, and believe me, I stressed about it. I did have one small embarrassing incident, but I survived it and now I feel so proud of myself.

It's not like in the last month my life has suddenly turned around and now I am Miss Popular, and so very happy. Nope. But I have noticed some positive subtle changes, and I am very proud of myself. It's enough to keep me moving forward and to keep exploring this new way of thinking.

lifestream · Mar 24, 2015

Well done, Shaye. I hope this is the first step towards even greater changes for you.

Mouse · Mar 24, 2015

I'm genuinely pleased for you, Shaye. Unfortunately there remain people like myself who have been brutally abandoned and it's not so much the fear of abandonment (or rejection), but the emotional damage that follows when the love of one's life walks out the door.

BeyondShy · Mar 24, 2015

I wonder if I should try this?

SofiasMami · Mar 24, 2015

Shaye, How nice to hear your update!

When I read in the article that an 80 year old babushka was trying the rejection therapy game, I thought, why the heck can't I do that myself? Living in fear and insisting on staying safe can be very dangerous to one's well-being. Glad to hear you've gotten some insight from these ideas

-Teresa

Despicable Me · Mar 25, 2015

This is a more extreme form of what I already try to introduce to other people who have the same issues I used to have.

It is basically the same thing I did to get over many my own issues in the past, when I was younger. I pushed myself to do things way outside of my comfort zones simply just because I could. I'd try to do a lot of little things so that it would help me conquer the bigger things.

I don't see a point in making it a "game" and doing it all the time, though. That might actually become detrimental. The superficiality of such relationships might actually become habit and you might lead yourself into things like believing that most people are unfriendly or just simply that you only know superficial relationships so you focus on having them and don't actually approach people on a deeper level.
For example, you might be so used to this 'game' that when there is actually a person you might have liked you might have screwed up that relationship by playing your game with them, one they didn't like. Or maybe you just tell yourself that they would never like you (because you believe most people are unfriendly) and intentionally screw it up with your game.

Depends how you do it and what your mentality is, I guess. Just be careful with that.

So I suggest a less extreme form. Just take more chances, ones you actually want to take. Don't make it a game - make it a life.

SofiasMami · Mar 25, 2015

Going back to my original post, the NPR story features a young man who sought out rejection once a day from a complete stranger. Nowhere does he suggest using it in relationships and it's quite literally a game, not a figurative "game". If you haven't read the story, I encourage you to.
When I realized that there is more than one path out of loneliness besides romantic relationships, I became more open to ideas like the one given by the man in the story.
One of the story's commenters wrote that it's dangerous to always be on the safe side. Living life in a narrow fear-filled box is no life at all.

-Teresa

blackdot · Mar 25, 2015

For me, I don't have a fear of being rejected because I already know I will be rejected. It's more the annoyance of it. That and being stuck in a lonely place.

How About Actively Seeking Rejection Instead of Fearing It?

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