ladyforsaken
Well-known member
Article source: https://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/blogs/healthy-living/10-things-never-someone-cancer-212600420.html
Okay, I found this article, and for people who are lazy to click on the link, here's what it says:
It's important to choose your words carefully when speaking to a cancer patient. Though you probably mean well, it's all too easy to accidentally insult someone. According to Barbara L. Andersen, PhD, a researcher and professor of psychology, two of the best things to say are easy: "I'm sorry you're ill" and "I'm thinking of you."
In fact, sometimes gestures speak louder than words. For instance, sending flowers or watching TV with your friend can offer comfort. Every cancer patient has a different opinion and experience, of course, and many know that you do mean well. But to avoid putting your foot in your mouth, don't utter these next 10 phrases. Photo by Getty Images
1. "You are strong and will get through this."
Jacki Donaldson, a 44-year-old cancer survivor and writer/editor in Gainesville, FL, says this sends the message that if you need to be tough to survive. And that's not necessarily true. "I personally like when someone meets me where I am and says, 'How unfair. You must be so mad.' These words validate my feelings and make me feel understood. Misery does love company. Misery does not always love the positive spin on tragic life events," she says.
2. "How are you feeling?"
This might surprise you, since you may feel that this sort of phrase shows that you care. But here's the problem with it: "So many people ask patients that. It gets really old and annoying after a while," says Dr. Andersen. Also, keep in mind that the person probably doesn't feel so great, and asking this question only reminds him or her of that.
3. "Can I do anything to help you?"
It's a nice sentiment, but it's too broad and, as a result, the patient will likely say no. He or she is probably too overwhelmed to think of a task, so suggest doing something specific for the person instead, suggests Teresa Rhyne, a 51-year-old lawyer and cancer survivor in Riverside, CA. Say, for example, "I'd like to bring you dinner. Would Tuesday or Wednesday night be better?" If you can't bring the person dinner, maybe you could buy groceries, take care of his or her kids one afternoon or give the person a ride to treatment. If there's a spouse or friend in charge of logistics, ask that person what you can do.
4. "How serious is the cancer?"
Don't ask detailed questions about the diagnosis or treatment plan. Other no-no's include: "How many chemo sessions do you have?" and "Are you getting radiation?" Your main concern should be supporting the patient, says Dr. Andersen. These types of questions may stress out the patient, since she may not know all the answers. Remember that some patients are more private than others, so don't pry-only discuss these matters if the patient brings them up.
5. "My grandmother/mom/sister/aunt/friend had cancer..."
The patient's situation may remind you of someone else, but telling a story about a family member or friend who has or had cancer is simply irrelevant-and it's especially a bad idea if it's a fatal story. Lynne Feldman, 68, a lawyer and cancer survivor in Saddle River, NJ, says, "Telling me about Cousin Syd's current third round of chemo for prostate cancer didn't help me to process my diagnosis or make decisions about my own cancer treatment."
6. "I read an article in the newspaper that said you should..."
Please don't play doctor-the patient already has at least one of those. Says Dr. Andersen, "If someone wants information, he or she will ask for it." The patient is likely already being inundated with information and advice from a medical team, so your two cents about an article from a newspaper, magazine or online publication isn't necessary.
7. "Your hair looks good like that."
Anything that calls attention to hair loss or a change in hair color or texture or a wig due to chemotherapy is not recommended, says 50-year-old cancer survivor Sarah Dugo, a sales and marketing executive who lives in Charlotte, NC. "It's a devastating outward sign of being different and sick," she says. "People actually came up and rubbed my stubbly head!" Same goes for any comments about weight loss.
8. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
This phrase is commonly tossed around in hospitals. If you're religious, this might be something that comforts you. But if the patient isn't religious, this isn't going to make him or her feel any better, says Dr. Andersen. In fact, it's going to make the person feel uncomfortable. Before you say it, ask yourself, "Is this a comment about me or is it a comment that would be helpful to the patient?"
9. "I know how you feel."
The truth is, you never really do. "If you've been through a cancer experience, you may have an understanding, but unless you are going through the patient's identical experience, you have no idea what that person's experience is like," says Christine Clifford, a cancer survivor and the CEO and founder of CancerClub.com in Edina, MN. Try to stay focused on the patient's needs and concerns.
10. "You must have done something to get it."
Believe it or not, someone once said that to Haralee Weintraub, 60, the CEO of a garment company in Portland, OR, when she had cancer. "I stopped talking to some people over their comments," she says. Dr. Andersen says she sees this happen a lot with lung-cancer patients-people will mention whether or not they smoked cigarettes, which isn't appropriate. Don't even begin to bring up the potential cause of the cancer, because that unfairly assigns blame to the patient.
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Now, I don't know if there would be many here who can relate to cancer or having health problems, but I can relate and I just have to say something about this article.
Maybe some of these questions / comments from the above list shouldn't be said to someone who just got diagnosed or just found out that they have a certain lifelong condition or cancer.
5. "My grandmother/mom/sister/aunt/friend had cancer..."
[This puts the focus away from the person suffering - at the initial discovery, I don't think they can even begin to think about what others have gone through. They are mainly thinking of themselves and the illness within them.]
6. "I read an article in the newspaper that said you should..."
[I don't know about others but if it was me, I'd not want to hear this initially because I just need to have some time to sink the reality in and understand about my illness first.]
8. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
[Religious or not, I think someone who just got diagnosed can really only think about "why me" or "what is going to happen to me" rather than think about what God is doing.]
9. "I know how you feel."
[Unless you've had cancer or a terminal illness yourself, just best not to say this.]
10. "You must have done something to get it."
[I don't even have to explain why this is a no-no.]
At the early stages, the person who just found out or just got diagnosed would basically want someone to understand that they are not okay. I feel that people don't need to understand how it feels like to be diagnosed with something, but at least understand that they're not okay. And saying those things ^ would just make them feel like you're being insensitive and uncaring towards them and that you're not being supportive.
As for someone who has had time to deal with the news and is starting treament etc. and probably talking about it openly, I absolutely think that the above questions/comments are okay. But again, as what the article said, different cancer patients have different reactions and it doesn't apply to ALL people alike, but I'm just gonna chime in my opinion here.
Also, if you don't say anything or feel afraid to say anything to someone feeling ill, what CAN you say? How is saying nothing going to help?
When I first got my diagnosis, all I could think about was:
"okay, all right.. this is something to get used to"
"why me?"
"what is going to happen to me?"
"what am I going to do?"
"am I going to die soon?"
I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I distanced myself from my friends, I felt like I needed time to sink into reality. But after that, I wished people would ask or say at least 9 out of 10 of those bolded list up there. I don't like number 10 though, because I think when people fall ill, they would realise what went wrong or what the causes were and rubbing it in doesn't help.
I'm not sure if my distancing from people initially caused them to feel like they have to limit themselves from talking about it with me? But I really needed support and people to talk to about it because it kinda sucked going through it mostly alone.
Again, depending on the person, some of the things in the list above can actually be quite motivating and encouraging and supportive. At least I would feel like that. I would feel less alone and less "ostracised" just because I have an illness. People were so afraid to talk to me about what I was going through, at the same time, I felt like if I were to start talking about it, they would feel uncomfortable and I'd put them in a position where they won't know what to say.
Anyway, the purpose of this thread really is just to share this article I saw and I thought it may not apply to all who are going through this and most definitely not for those who just received news of cancer or an illness, but I feel that it is all right to talk about it and say those things above because for some, it actually shows you care.
Even if it's sharing about other people you know who have similar experiences, deliver it in a way where it makes the person you're talking to feel that they're not going through it alone - not to scare them even more.
If you do know someone suffering from cancer or terminal illness, please don't leave them alone. Unless they make it clear that they want you to. And it's normal for them to want to be alone at first in the initial stage, but they might want some support along the way, so if you truly care for that person, stick by them, give them the space, but don't leave them alone permanently.
Not sure that there would be many on here who can relate, but I'm just gonna put this out there and hope it does something for someone.
Of course, this goes without saying, if you are going through something like this, I've had my share of experiences - I'm here to hear you out and talk about it.
EDIT: On top of all this, what do you think would be recommended to say to someone with cancer or a terminal illness?
Okay, I found this article, and for people who are lazy to click on the link, here's what it says:
It's important to choose your words carefully when speaking to a cancer patient. Though you probably mean well, it's all too easy to accidentally insult someone. According to Barbara L. Andersen, PhD, a researcher and professor of psychology, two of the best things to say are easy: "I'm sorry you're ill" and "I'm thinking of you."
In fact, sometimes gestures speak louder than words. For instance, sending flowers or watching TV with your friend can offer comfort. Every cancer patient has a different opinion and experience, of course, and many know that you do mean well. But to avoid putting your foot in your mouth, don't utter these next 10 phrases. Photo by Getty Images
1. "You are strong and will get through this."
Jacki Donaldson, a 44-year-old cancer survivor and writer/editor in Gainesville, FL, says this sends the message that if you need to be tough to survive. And that's not necessarily true. "I personally like when someone meets me where I am and says, 'How unfair. You must be so mad.' These words validate my feelings and make me feel understood. Misery does love company. Misery does not always love the positive spin on tragic life events," she says.
2. "How are you feeling?"
This might surprise you, since you may feel that this sort of phrase shows that you care. But here's the problem with it: "So many people ask patients that. It gets really old and annoying after a while," says Dr. Andersen. Also, keep in mind that the person probably doesn't feel so great, and asking this question only reminds him or her of that.
3. "Can I do anything to help you?"
It's a nice sentiment, but it's too broad and, as a result, the patient will likely say no. He or she is probably too overwhelmed to think of a task, so suggest doing something specific for the person instead, suggests Teresa Rhyne, a 51-year-old lawyer and cancer survivor in Riverside, CA. Say, for example, "I'd like to bring you dinner. Would Tuesday or Wednesday night be better?" If you can't bring the person dinner, maybe you could buy groceries, take care of his or her kids one afternoon or give the person a ride to treatment. If there's a spouse or friend in charge of logistics, ask that person what you can do.
4. "How serious is the cancer?"
Don't ask detailed questions about the diagnosis or treatment plan. Other no-no's include: "How many chemo sessions do you have?" and "Are you getting radiation?" Your main concern should be supporting the patient, says Dr. Andersen. These types of questions may stress out the patient, since she may not know all the answers. Remember that some patients are more private than others, so don't pry-only discuss these matters if the patient brings them up.
5. "My grandmother/mom/sister/aunt/friend had cancer..."
The patient's situation may remind you of someone else, but telling a story about a family member or friend who has or had cancer is simply irrelevant-and it's especially a bad idea if it's a fatal story. Lynne Feldman, 68, a lawyer and cancer survivor in Saddle River, NJ, says, "Telling me about Cousin Syd's current third round of chemo for prostate cancer didn't help me to process my diagnosis or make decisions about my own cancer treatment."
6. "I read an article in the newspaper that said you should..."
Please don't play doctor-the patient already has at least one of those. Says Dr. Andersen, "If someone wants information, he or she will ask for it." The patient is likely already being inundated with information and advice from a medical team, so your two cents about an article from a newspaper, magazine or online publication isn't necessary.
7. "Your hair looks good like that."
Anything that calls attention to hair loss or a change in hair color or texture or a wig due to chemotherapy is not recommended, says 50-year-old cancer survivor Sarah Dugo, a sales and marketing executive who lives in Charlotte, NC. "It's a devastating outward sign of being different and sick," she says. "People actually came up and rubbed my stubbly head!" Same goes for any comments about weight loss.
8. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
This phrase is commonly tossed around in hospitals. If you're religious, this might be something that comforts you. But if the patient isn't religious, this isn't going to make him or her feel any better, says Dr. Andersen. In fact, it's going to make the person feel uncomfortable. Before you say it, ask yourself, "Is this a comment about me or is it a comment that would be helpful to the patient?"
9. "I know how you feel."
The truth is, you never really do. "If you've been through a cancer experience, you may have an understanding, but unless you are going through the patient's identical experience, you have no idea what that person's experience is like," says Christine Clifford, a cancer survivor and the CEO and founder of CancerClub.com in Edina, MN. Try to stay focused on the patient's needs and concerns.
10. "You must have done something to get it."
Believe it or not, someone once said that to Haralee Weintraub, 60, the CEO of a garment company in Portland, OR, when she had cancer. "I stopped talking to some people over their comments," she says. Dr. Andersen says she sees this happen a lot with lung-cancer patients-people will mention whether or not they smoked cigarettes, which isn't appropriate. Don't even begin to bring up the potential cause of the cancer, because that unfairly assigns blame to the patient.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, I don't know if there would be many here who can relate to cancer or having health problems, but I can relate and I just have to say something about this article.
Maybe some of these questions / comments from the above list shouldn't be said to someone who just got diagnosed or just found out that they have a certain lifelong condition or cancer.
5. "My grandmother/mom/sister/aunt/friend had cancer..."
[This puts the focus away from the person suffering - at the initial discovery, I don't think they can even begin to think about what others have gone through. They are mainly thinking of themselves and the illness within them.]
6. "I read an article in the newspaper that said you should..."
[I don't know about others but if it was me, I'd not want to hear this initially because I just need to have some time to sink the reality in and understand about my illness first.]
8. "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
[Religious or not, I think someone who just got diagnosed can really only think about "why me" or "what is going to happen to me" rather than think about what God is doing.]
9. "I know how you feel."
[Unless you've had cancer or a terminal illness yourself, just best not to say this.]
10. "You must have done something to get it."
[I don't even have to explain why this is a no-no.]
At the early stages, the person who just found out or just got diagnosed would basically want someone to understand that they are not okay. I feel that people don't need to understand how it feels like to be diagnosed with something, but at least understand that they're not okay. And saying those things ^ would just make them feel like you're being insensitive and uncaring towards them and that you're not being supportive.
As for someone who has had time to deal with the news and is starting treament etc. and probably talking about it openly, I absolutely think that the above questions/comments are okay. But again, as what the article said, different cancer patients have different reactions and it doesn't apply to ALL people alike, but I'm just gonna chime in my opinion here.
Also, if you don't say anything or feel afraid to say anything to someone feeling ill, what CAN you say? How is saying nothing going to help?
When I first got my diagnosis, all I could think about was:
"okay, all right.. this is something to get used to"
"why me?"
"what is going to happen to me?"
"what am I going to do?"
"am I going to die soon?"
I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I distanced myself from my friends, I felt like I needed time to sink into reality. But after that, I wished people would ask or say at least 9 out of 10 of those bolded list up there. I don't like number 10 though, because I think when people fall ill, they would realise what went wrong or what the causes were and rubbing it in doesn't help.
I'm not sure if my distancing from people initially caused them to feel like they have to limit themselves from talking about it with me? But I really needed support and people to talk to about it because it kinda sucked going through it mostly alone.
Again, depending on the person, some of the things in the list above can actually be quite motivating and encouraging and supportive. At least I would feel like that. I would feel less alone and less "ostracised" just because I have an illness. People were so afraid to talk to me about what I was going through, at the same time, I felt like if I were to start talking about it, they would feel uncomfortable and I'd put them in a position where they won't know what to say.
Anyway, the purpose of this thread really is just to share this article I saw and I thought it may not apply to all who are going through this and most definitely not for those who just received news of cancer or an illness, but I feel that it is all right to talk about it and say those things above because for some, it actually shows you care.
Even if it's sharing about other people you know who have similar experiences, deliver it in a way where it makes the person you're talking to feel that they're not going through it alone - not to scare them even more.
If you do know someone suffering from cancer or terminal illness, please don't leave them alone. Unless they make it clear that they want you to. And it's normal for them to want to be alone at first in the initial stage, but they might want some support along the way, so if you truly care for that person, stick by them, give them the space, but don't leave them alone permanently.
Not sure that there would be many on here who can relate, but I'm just gonna put this out there and hope it does something for someone.
Of course, this goes without saying, if you are going through something like this, I've had my share of experiences - I'm here to hear you out and talk about it.
EDIT: On top of all this, what do you think would be recommended to say to someone with cancer or a terminal illness?
