24 years and counting

[Midnight Sorrow]

Things don't go better over night but they can surely get worse in those hours. Since I haven't posted in months, I will tell you a bit about me.

My name is Simon. I am 24 years old, I live on my own, I suffer from mysophobia (fear of germs), anxiety, maybe some kind of OCD. I have no friends nor family around this area.

I will start from February of 2011, my birthday was approaching and I was getting really stressed about it, knowing that I was going to be alone again, I just wanted it so different from the past year but I knew that wasn't the case that the Sunday before it, I had a severe case of anxiety that rendered my useless and I subsequently blacked out, and the worst part I was schedule to work that day, obviously I didn't show up, and everyone got worried (yes, you can take that as a good thing), but than things started falling apart faster that what I was use to. Eventually a coworker of mine was giving me a ride home, and told me he had a dog, I stayed calm on the outside but the inside I was freaking. My phobia of germs has to do with animals, so anyone who owns a pet, I cannot touch them or touch what they have touched (yes, I realize there are many pet owners, but if I don't know or don't see, its all good) so I tried working with him at work but it was impossible, and one day I snapped at one of my coworkers for telling me how to live my life so after speaking to my managers, they tried to get me some help (yes, it was nice of them) I spoke to a doctor, and some crisis workers but they don't listen, they just heard me talking but never paid attention and eventually the "help" they offered wasn't good at all. So on April 1st, I was let go from my job, because I kept being sent home, and my manager told me he regretted having to do that because I was a good worker but that my problems were getting in the way. He told me I should go back home (to my parents) but as much I want to move back in that area, I have no money and no ride to help me move. So I'm stuck in a city I HATE!

Now, my current situation, I don't leave home, I feel everyone is out to get me. I hate sunlight, I reject human contact, eveytime I have to go somewhere (grocerys) I panic at the fact I have to be around people. I'm seriously not good standing in line. I'm constantly forgetting days, and weeks at a time. I have no sense of time, I have no happiness inside me anymore. I'm filled with misery, hate, anger, sadness and everything in between. My bestest friend wishes I could be happy again but I don't see that happening. The worst part is the only thing that kept my sanity in check was my PS3 which ironically died last night..the cause? Yellow light of death. So now I am without the one thing that helps me cope with how much I hate society. I have to send it for repair and it will cost me a few hundred dollars which I do not have, but I have to send it! I will cut back on food, the only thing I spend money on. I know some of you might think "thats not good, food is essential to the human body" and I realize that but my ps3 is essential to me for a few reasons stated above.

I have 3 great friends online, which none of them are online anymore.
Friend #1: lives with her boyfriend and shes not allowed to talk to me so when hes not around she sneaks on to talk to me. Which is rare nowadays.
Friend #2: Is super busy, plus she has MS (ironically the initials of my screen name) and shes enjoying her life the best she can, which brings me some joy knowing that she's out there living and not letting her disease beat her.
Friend #3: She barely comes on due to having a big family and sharing 1 computer, plus shes the youngest which obviously those of you who have older siblings no full well. so we email each other.

I could call into a crisis line but I do not trust anyone from this city, they do not listen to me at all. Ill choose this place with people who actually listen (read) and pay attention then any of those idiots from around here.

With all my problems, I know I will never lead a decent life, I cannot have a social circle and I've accepted that fact that I shall be alone for the duration of my life. A relationship is impossible to me, now I know why in the past, it never worked out with any females. I've always been alone, it's been the only constant thing in my life, 24 years and my partner has been loneliness. Is it sad? Yes, it is but now. It's almost a blessing, I've accepted the loneliness in my life. I rather have loneliness by my side than society, its the one thing that doesn't judge me, that doesn't hate me for what I am, even though I hate myself, and its the one thing that never left my side in 24 years. I'd love to say, if by my 25th birthday, I'm still in this **** hole, and still have as much pain as I do now, I'm going to end it, but I don't know. I might....

well I ran out of things to say. So I will leave it here for now.
Thank you for listening to me

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs midnight sorrow*

that's terrible I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your job

how many pshycriatrists have you spoken with? You may have just gotten a one that wan't very good, maybe you should try seeing a different one if you can? I was diganosed with generalized anxiety disorder when i was about 11 and then it kinda evovled into panic disorder as i got older, so i've seen a lot of therapists over the past ten years for a long time i didn't like it becuase my parents made me and one docter could never keep a schedual so i would be in the waiting room for over an hour, and it sucked,

but i got a new Dr when i came to college and he was really cool and it helped a lot,

i'm a bit of a germaphboe as well i didn't know it was called mysophobia, but I'm more afraid germs from other people from animals, because most animal diseases can't be transferred very easily to humans


would you be able to call your parents to help you move or something? I think they would want to help you out if they could


oh no I'm so sorry about your ps3 i totally know what you mean,

my playstation is my baby and i would devestated if anything happened to it

have you tried looking online for cheaper ways to get it fixed,

man I also have money issues as well, i can't get a job even though I've filled out tons of applications

but it's not the end of the world and i know this has got to be feeling like hell, but when your going through hell keep going, this too shall pass and you can make it through this!

you're stronger than you think and you have it in you to get through this



*hugs*

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Hmmm... I am trying to find the words to help you... but it is hard to say really. You have identified your main problem. You let this problem control you. I do not understand your phobia so I cannot really recommend anything to help you get over it.

Have you ever thought about getting a job as a call center person. More and more compainies are just letting people do that from their home. Have you ever thought about a graveyard shift job? Lots of those jobs generally are done alone.

>_< I am kind of jealous, I have no idea how people meet people on the PSN. :S Then again I am not really an online gamer. Your second friend sounds like someone you should look up too a bit. MS is not something that is easy to live with. I wish I could say more to help.

 

[Midnight Sorrow]

To answer EvanescenceFan91

Actually, I haven't spoken to any psychiatrist. I have spoken to case workers, crisis workers, CMHA workers but no psychiatrist. Why? Good question. No one has redirected me to see one, and all the people I have seen have been no one because everytime I speak, they do not listen nor seemingly understand. I tell them I haven't been in this city long enough to know where some are situated and yet they totally ignore me. Thats why I hate this city. I should have never moved this far away from home.

My germaphobia has nothing to do with disease, or I don't think so. I truly don't know why it has to do with animals except the stress that I was suffering when I was a child so since there was a lot of pets growing up, I guess they became my focus to deal with stress.

Unfortunately, I cannot ask my parents, they are pet owners, as stated above. I cannot even hug my parents or even a hand shake. How sad is that, eh?

Gotta love playstation (except when it breaks down) and its better if I just send it to Sony, knowing they can fix it and it will work. Actually its more of a trade in for a refurbished of the same model.


To answer AFrozenSoul

I appreciate the fact you even took the time to reply.

I have actually worked in a call center, as a technical support consultant. It was horrible! Random people yelling at me because their product wasn't working correctly, like it was my fault, when products of today aren't worth the 5 cent plastic cover it comes in. But quite frankly, I don't know if I am ready to get to work, I can barely focus on the general things in life, I believe its better if I just don't have a job for right now. When I had a job, it was the only thing that kept me from realizing how bad my problems are, but maybe this is for the best that I lost my job. Though if a job seems to suit my problems than yes, I would take it.

I can tell you how people meet people on PSN. Well for me it wasn't through the Playstation Home, but through video games. Mostly MAG and NHL are the games I play online. So obviously thats one thing in common than some become good friends. Unfortunately I have a good friend on the PSN but I have no way of contacting him about the PS3 being out of service

 

[Midnight Sorrow]

It's also quite amazing. How 10 years ago, I wanted to help people with their problems, be there for them and I was. Everytime they needed someone to talk with, I was there. I wanted so badly to make a difference, but my own personal problems got the very best of me. Now, I cannot help anyone with their problems, even if thats one of my dearest friends. I use to be the guy my female friends would say "You are 1 in a million" I want to shout to the heavens "Why me?!" like many other people, but there is no answer to that question or maybe the answer is because "I'm a nice guy" That would truly be ironic. I can look at my life and make it sound funny. For example, at my former job, this is a conversation between my manager and I.

Manager: You're late!
Me: I know, but I was trying to find a good excuse for why I was late, so I was trying to get hit by a car.
Manager: ...But you'd end up with a broken leg.
Me: That would be a good excuse, eh?

I know, it's dark but funny. How can life turn out like this, eh? I thank the powers that be for this place. Its quite ironic how I prefer speaking on here, freely about who I am and what I'm going through than speaking to all these crisis workers because I know there is someone who truly listens and in some part can understand some of the things I am suffering. They have these fancy diplomas and certificates but they lack to establish connection with another human being in order to understand. I only open up to people I trust (yes, It's ironic) or feel comfortable around.

I temporarily feel better since I have a few people to speak with. Thank you.

P.S. EvanescenceFan91 thank you for the hug and also your sig is quite amusing...

And to AFrozenSoul, yeah, unfortunately my second friend lives in Germany and I in Canada. Meanwhile my third friend lives in Australia.

Theres one thing about life....its a cruel joke.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Yeah a call center is a crappy job. I was just recommending it because some do not want to pay for an office. Figured I would throw that one out there.

I guess my question to you would be what are you doing to deal with these personal problems while you have the down time? With your PS3 it sounds like you are trading one distraction for another. I understand I really do. I spent 10 hours on Tererria this past weekend.

I am not much of an online gamer >_< I have never liked online console gaming because I cannot get my voice chat to work.

 

[Midnight Sorrow]

Am I doing anything? I rather see everyone in this city dissipate into thin air, so I can finally have some peace and quiet, roam this city without limits or boundaries and have no one to irritate, insult, judge or annoy me. I want peace and quiet but I know thats something I will not have in this current time.

I hate society, no offense to anyone here who considers themselves part of society. I will only answer why I hate society so much if asked, so I do not aggravate anyone.

Theres a reason why I have a huge problem with people, and one if people assume too much without any knowledge. Yes I do not like sunlight and my body is completly covered when I go outside, even in the summer, and everyone tells me "You need vitamin D, and its only given by the sun" but they seem to not realized that in 1 cup of chocolate milk (which I adore) theres 45% source of Vitamin D. I may not look like much or seem to know how to take care of myself but I do know how to survive. I just wish most people would not give me advice on my life unless I specifically ask for it. And I realize I am ranting about something that cannot be changed, human behavior. They meddle in what does not concern them.

I think I strayed off topic. I don't know if theres really an answer and yes, video games help me escape this world that I am trapped in, without commiting suicide and the great thing about video games is...I have plenty of lives. Do I have something to replace video games right now? NO! And its not like I have a friend who can entertain me until its repaired. The worst part is I cannot even watch a movie, my ps3 was also my dvd/blu-ray player.

Maybe I can help with your voice chat if you really want. At least I wouldnt be fully useless. lol

 

[AFrozenSoul]

>.> so... in other words no. Everyone has anxieties friend. I do not mean to be harsh. However, change is something you have to take a part in. It can be a small change. You know, maybe once a day go for a walk. Make it short, just walk around the block and run back inside. Small steps, then in a couple weeks make it longer. Everyone judges everyone, it is a fact. You will judge me based my posts, my job, my income, my hobbies. It is part of life. I can agree people irritate me. They do not know how to drive. They smell bad, they bitch when they get on the wrong train, despite the AMPLE warnings they have. I doubt people openly insult you when you are out.

You and I are the same with our outfits. I am always covered as well. I just tell people I would rather be hot and sweaty over getting skin cancer and wrinkles. My mom told me the same thing about vitamin D. She went on and on about how I was going to get sickly if I just hide in the basement with my video games. Guess who had perfect attendence in school? that is right me. My sisters had at least 2 sick days a month. Let me tell you one thing, people always remember me. I do not blend into the crowd.

As much as it hurts, life is not fair. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. We all have to overcome them. What comes naturally to others cannot be fathomed by others. That is just life, it is what happens. I find that I am less depressed when I do not dwell on these things. The busier I am the less depressed I am.

As for video games, you have a computer. Have you ever heard of Steam? I recommend you get Steam and then download a game of Tererria... >_< $10 and it eat up 10 hours of my weekend. What a wonderful game. As for my PS3, I think I just need to but a better microphone... stuipd crappy Mad Catz stuff <.<

Anyway, your world will change more if you do something about it. You can wait for reality to change. Hey it could happen, or you can work to make reality better. In the end we are all in charge of our own happiness. I can really relate to you friend. If anything I would like to encourage you and help you change. I have been through much of what you have. There are plenty of people out there who are like you. Why not check out Hikiculture. There are plenty of people on there who are exactly like you... in many ways.

 

[Midnight Sorrow]

I know everyone has anxiety, but not everyone has anxiety high now to make them black out for maybe a day to a full week. Most people who go out, don't have that much anxiety. I went out yesterday to the store, and I didn't talk to anyone, I show no emotions, no reactions, I didn't even look at the girls passing next to me. I have no intentions or desire to look at a woman.

I know what I have become. An observant. I stand in the shadows looking at the world around me, no one notices me, no one remembers me, because I don't exist. I see things differently and notice things that the average person does not. I pay attention to people and their behavior, and I can get into their minds. I can sit in a Tim Hortons, look all around the store, notice where the cameras are and begin to break down a robbery to its bare aspects. Not only do I hear everything around me but I also listen to it all, the wind, nature, my ears are my second pair of eyes. I can hear someone walking behind me and they are 50+ feet behind, I can hear a car approaching and its not as close.

Ironically you stated that I would judge you based on your posts, and I don't. I read your posts like I do a book (if I did read a book) with interest. I don't judge people as I used to, because I ignore everyone.

I could go out, walk around the block but whats the purpose? I don't want to do that. I much rather stay inside, where its dark and there isn't dumb drivers, not teen thinking they are all that with their pants at their knees and their hats turned sideways. And thats the thing, change I must instill in myself but do I want to? All I want is the get far away from people, and going out into this ******** of a city is not the solution. I need to move but I have no money. I wish I was in the movie I Am legend without the creepy creatures of the night. I could roam in absolute peace.

I have a computer but meh, pc games aren't my strongest point.

Im out of words for right now, sorry I didn't really answer all the points you have made.

 

[I'm Fine]

Hi Simon, I don't mean to break up the lovely conversation you've got going here, I just wanted to ask a few questions if that's ok.

Are your mysophobia and anxiety recognised by the state and does that mean that you could get disability or some other payment to help you live without you having to go to work? Or are you getting that already? I figure you need at least SOME money to pay for things like food etc after all.

Also, if you don't want to change the way you live/are - what is it that you want from us? Advice? Understanding? Or just a place to talk and be social without having to worry about actually being around people? Just curious (and I'm pretty sure we can provide all of those as you wish).

I'm sorry if they're a bit intrusive. Feel free to ignore me if you prefer.