First off, I'm sorry to hear about the abuse you endured, that sounded horrific. And the conditions you were living in.
And good job kicking the gambling, and on fighting the porn. I agree that both of those things are bad for you, and your life would be better without them - you'll make more room in your life for better-quality things.
I totally get you about being a virgin, I'm just about your age and in a similar situation, I've never been with a woman either. I'm so weary of it. Not being able to attract anyone makes me feel insulted, humiliated, like I'm some kind of inherently low-quality person.
But then again, that's a big reason why I would never pay for it (along with fear of STDs, including the worst one). To me, paying for it would be like me confirming, and accepting, the insult that I really am so inferior, such a loser, such an inherently low-quality person, that I have to stoop so low as to pay for something that most people get as a natural, given part of life that they don't have to do anything special for, or go out of their way for, make any kind of special conscious effort to do anything other than what they normally do in their lives.
To me it would be like, instead of letting the bully stuff me in a locker, it would be like opening the locker and stuffing myself in voluntarily - resigning myself to and accepting my place. I'd hate that, and no matter what I did afterwards, I could never live it down. Pride and dignity are extremely important to me, they're some of my core values. I feel like as long as I don't stoop to certain lows, or allow life to push me into certain lows, as long as I don't accept the insult, then I'm not agreeing with the world and other people that I'm a loser/inferior/low-quality, and I can still hold my head up high.
Once something is done, it can't be undone. Once you pay for it, you will always be someone that paid for it, no matter what you do in the future. I understand that not everyone thinks the same way about it that I do, but I would not want that hanging over me for the rest of my life.
Also I don't think it will solve your problem. Paying for it doesn't mean you actually attracted someone (which in and of itself feels bad, I don't see how it could be a self-esteem booster, just a self-esteem killer), so the next time you are lonely, you'll just be in the same position again. You still won't know how to attract someone, get them to think and feel the right way about you. That's another reason why I think it would be a better use of your time to learn how to be more attractive, to get into a life that you are happier about, and gives you more good feelings about yourself. That seems to be the common theme with this, in general.
It sounds like you have some things going for you already, like dressing nice, and your health/not drinking, smoking, or doing drugs. You have a couple degrees, which shows that you can learn things, and you like to read which should give you something to talk about.
I would say that, whether it is wrong or right, most women are going to want you to have a different career though. It's just the way most people are. But like you said, you have those degrees, so you should be capable of more than what you're doing. It will probably make you feel better too about yourself, and that energy should radiate forward to anyone you meet.
I would say, try to do more things you are proud of, instead of things that cause you shame, or just don't fulfill you, like the vices you mentioned. Vices don't really give a person something to show for themselves or something to talk about.
I wish you luck trying to get out of this, I know all too well how hard it is. But I wouldn't do anything drastic. I'd say keep trying to be better, and do more things that let you hold your head up high.
