................

[Drake]

I don't know if this belongs here, but it's about relationships...not just gf's but friends as well..anyway, here goes another boring, whiney, depressing, self pity thread from Drake. Get your pop corn and enjoy.


I seem to mess up every good thing I've ever had. I guess I'll start with my best friend since kindergarten. We always hung out, as we grew up..but in high school we started using drugs, heavely. About two years ago I decided I wanted to change and quit using drugs. I stopped talking to him and everyone I used to hang out with because thats how I was told was the way to quit. He would call me and ask to hang out some times saying there wouldn't be drugs, but I would just ignore him and not trust that we could hang out without using. So I pretty much pushed him away, although he is still saying we should hang out or I should call him some time on facebook...recently.


Another friend (Chantal), we were friends for about 4-5 years, I'm not sure. But I used her completely for my benefit and treated her like ****, I took her money, used her for *** and wouldn't even admit to my other friends we knew each other because she wasn't popuar at school. She still stuck through all that, for whatever reason, is beyond me, she's a much better person than I'll ever be I guess. Until one day this girl (Alisha) who didn't like her told me if I was friends with her we couldn't be friends, so I told chantal we couldn't talk any more and I havent heard from her since. I found her on facebook a while ago and messaged her saying sorry and telling her how horrible I felt but she still wont talk to me.


Alisha...we dated in grade 9 and 10, and told each other we loved each other, although I'm not sure if I ever did/still do love her. She was my first for a lot of things but I took her for granted. I lied to her all the time to go get high, broke up with her to get with other girls, only to ask her out the night after using those girls so I could be with her again. One of the times I dumped her she finally said "its enough" and wouldn't take me back. Throughout the years until now, we would see each other at parties and end up getting with each other and I'm not sure how exactly it happened but we started seeing each other again frequently. Although she would never date me, just have *** with me because I think she was afraid of being hurt. Every time I would go over, I would cry and tell her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her she kept saying "Just not right now" but it never happened and we stopped hanging out 1 on 1 because she found a steady boyfriend. One night when her and her friend came over I took like 15-20 tylenol in front of them and told Alisha I was going to kill myself and it would be okay, needless to say they didn't allow it and took me to the hospital. She calls me once every 3 months maybe to come over with her friend if they have nothing better to do and has forgotten my birthday 2 years in a row.


Jade, I'm not even going to go into all the details with her because I could talk forever about her and our relationship. Basically we dated for 2 years in high school, I lied to her as well, cheated on her and even raised my hand to her as if I was going to hit her once. Although I never would...I did it to inflict fear in her, which was basically what our whole relationship lasting was based on. Eventually she broke up with me and we were apart for 3-4 years, this summer she IM'd me and told me she was having troubles with her new BF and blah blah blah...doesn't really matter, she ended up coming down (after ditching me twice) and we um...fooled around for about a whole day and night, before she left she told me she still loved me and she wanted to be committed. I was so happy, I had a second chance at the love of my life! Managed to **** it up too, unfortunately. I would call too much, she got angry so I called less, I would call too late, she got angry so I called earlier, I was too insecure about losing her, that bothered her, so I stopped mentioning it. I guess it wasn't good enough, one weekend she was suppose to come down but couldn't afford the gas money, I told her I'd send he 200 dollars to come down and she acted really excited and seemed to really appreciate it. I was so happy I told everyone but she never came, she made up some excuses on msn then told me she'd "brb" but never came back, I called her numerous times throughout that day with no answer, eventually leaving a message. She didn't call and neither did I for about 2 weeks until I sent an email which wasn't responded to. About 2-3 weeks after that I send another email with a corny love song saying I'm sorry for whatever I did and I can't go on day by day not knowing whats going on between us, she replies "I can't do this right now I'm sorry, you cant understand what I'm going through". I responded saying I'll try to understand and be there for her through anything but she didn't write back.


I'm not going to post this persons name out of respect, long story short, we became what I would like to think very close from talking on the internet. I really care care about her and truly love her, I'm just not sure in which way. Anyway, we've been talking for about..I dont know, 4-5 months pretty much daily about our problems, feeling empty and just wishing we both had someone to fill the void. Recently I told her I love her, needless to sa it was beyond akward, especially since she has found someone else (which I knew about before saying I love you). I dont know what I was thinking, but she hasn't messaged me since, the longest we've gone without talking since we've become close.


Then last weekend, I start talking to an "old friend" she was one of my closer drug buddies girl friends. She's stopped using drugs and She tells me how much she missed me and that her and my old friend had broken up because he's a coke dealer. She starts flirting with me and tells me how she always liked me...I tell her the same, because well..it's true. So later in that conversation she breaks it to me she already has some guy she really likes who's 2 hours away. Okay well we can still be friends right? I really need anyone who gives a **** right now. On rolls tonight I tell her about one night we did acid where I had a completely horrible trip and thought everyone of my friends was out to get me, including her. She gets completely offended and hurt by this because she thought we were really close and is disapointed I thought I could to that to her, she says she doesnt know if we can start being friends again now.


Notice in all these small novels of stories I just told you that I managed to push the closist people in my life away from me in one way or another? I always just thought I was a **** up, and couldn't help but **** up relationships. I'm now starting to think tha subconciously I want to push them away for some reason, maybe I dont want them to hurt me because Jade broke my heart? Maybe I like being alone so I can feel sorry for myself and feed my depression, I really dont know, but I do know that my mind is even more ****** than I ever though.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm sorry you're are going through that Drake.
What I'm trying to say is that I care about you.

I can't really give you advice on anything.
Hopefully what you have written will make more sence to you.

You don't want advice from me anyway.
Or rather...,when you figure this **** out...please let me know.

I've been going through a lot of emotional roller coasters lately.
I bascailly been running into my ex-gf of 12 years.
She was the love of my life.
I'm going through the "I love you, I hate you, I love U, I hate you.lol
It's really, really ******* with me. Obviously i still have a lot of feelings
for her and it's getting re triggered all over the place.

She's a recoverying alcoholic and she getting well.
She looks like the loving woman I fell in love with many years ago before
she relapsed into her disease. The past 5 years had been a total
nightmare. All I ever wanted out of life is to love her and share our lives.
I prayed my heart out for her to get sober for years so we can
live a normal life that peopple want to live.

Honestly...all I want today is for her to hold me and love me back.
It's not happening becuase we don't see eye to eye on whatever
the complicate **** we can't seem to decipher.

I dunno..the stuff that i go through that no one seems to understand
or care. Yeah Ironic ...I feel like I've been JADED.
I don't think i can handle what you went through after Jaded broke
your heart. The many novels will really **** me up than i already am.

I don't want to drink or use ever again but God damn, this **** hurts like a son of a *****.

I've been told in recovery...just write. Write in a journal
Write anything and everything that you honestly think or feel.
It's not ment to be judged or annalized by others. Perhapse you can fine the answers you're looking for through your wrting.

In recovery i was taught that our drinking and drug abuse are just the symtoms of our deeper problems.
So it's not just not stoping the drinking or using. It's all this other issues we have to face and deal with.
Sometimes it's like opening a can of worms when we do an honest inventory of ourselves.
It can re triggers alot of burried emotional problems steming from our childhood.
It's term emotional baggage in recovery. We bring it up to the surface to deal with it and face it so
that we don't have to carry that baggage into tommorow or make the same mistakes over and over
again...by reacting to our deep childhood pains.

LoL...That's why people get a sponsor..Someone that's been through the process.
Someone to pull you back out of it....when you start writing about deep stuff.
Becuase it can re trigger and alot of pains...it's as if you're reliving it again.
It's a mind fucken blower and the first thing your mind dose is to go crazy
in a sort wierd way of denial.

It's actaully our consiouse mind and not our sub consicouse that keeps us
in the same cycle of insanity...lol
Becasuse our consiouse mind had adjusted to our comfort zone and functioned will in the
****** up situations we keep putting ourselves in or create.....lmao

That's why recovery is about facing FEARS, having COURAGE, and all that good stuff..lol

So...don't beat up on yourself ..dude.

It makes a lot of sence...becuase you pretty much hit the nail on the head.
We react as when we were children , now that we are grown adults.
It's some of basic process in recovery that you're touching upon.

I hope you fine your way.

Be well

 

[Caesium]

You sound like a bit of an *******. You had the gift of friendship and normality, and threw it all away. You treated people like ****, and in return, you got treated like ****, Karma's a *****. I admire your honesty in telling us about yourself though, and I sincerely hope that you find love and friendship one day.

 

[Lexicon Devil]

quote Drake
*''Jade, I'm not even going to go into all the details with her because I
could talk forever about her and our relationship. Basically we dated for
2 years in high school, I lied to her as well, cheated on her and even
raised my hand to her as if I was going to hit her once. Although I
never would...I did it to inflict fear in her, which was basically what our
whole relationship lasting was based on. ''



quote Drake
*''I was so happy, I had a second chance at the love of my life! ''


I really do not understand how you can say you were madly in love with this girl when you would purposely try to scare her and inflict fear, not to mention cheat on her and lie to her. If i loved someone i'd do anything to make them happy, absolutely bend over backwards for them and put them before myself everytime. Plus i'd be loyal and faithful to the core.




quote Drake
*I'm not going to post this persons name out of respect, long story short, we became what I would like to think very close from talking on the internet. I really care care about her and truly love her, I'm just not sure in which way. Anyway, we've been talking for about..I dont know, 4-5 months pretty much daily about our problems, feeling empty and just wishing we both had someone to fill the void. Recently I told her I love her, needless to sa it was beyond akward, especially since she has found someone else (which I knew about before saying I love you). I dont know what I was thinking, but she hasn't messaged me since, the longest we've gone without talking since we've become close.''



Again this perplexes me greatly. How can you ''truely love'' someone you have never met? Are you sure you aren't getting infatuation, lust even, confused with love?

 

[lovehurtme]

Wow. I'm shocked at the honesty in this thread. It is good though.

Drake, I hope that next time you meet a nice girl, that you will be good to her.

 

[Drake]

Thanks for judging me

 

[Sanal]

Sorry to hear about that Drake. You know that I suck in talking while situations like this. I don't know what to say. Try not to ignore anyone even if he/she is the most annoying. Take Care dude.

 

[Steel]

Here we have a thread in which the poster was completely honest, and is brave enough to admit to his own mistakes. I fail to see how people passing judgement on him will in anyway help.

We have all hurt people at times in our lives, even if it was unintentional.

 

[Lexicon Devil]

Nobody has judged him. Just because some of us are not throwing roses and petals at his feet does not mean we have judged him.

 

[Minus]

It sounds like you have spent some time reflecting on how you have dealt with some people in the past. That is a good basis for finding a new direction.

I imagine that it is a rare person who does not have incidents in their past that they regret how they handled. We learn and hopefully in the future can make choices that we are comfortable with.

I do wish you the best.

 

[Naleena]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Drake))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It took a lot of guts to be as honest as you did. You were sooooo REAL and for that I am not only impressed, I am humbled.

I want to let you know that you are no longer that person who hurt those people. I say that because you REALIZE and are REPENTFUL for what you have done, something that the person in the past was not. Learn from this and move on. Like Steel said, we have all hurt someone. Forgive yourself. The thing that matters right now is not what you did but, what you can do. It's not who you were but, who you can be ....in this moment of grace. At this time.

As far as pushing people away, I don't know you well enough to say. But I can tell you that you are in a process of reflection and every answer you need is right inside you; it's matter of figuring it all out.
I know you feel like your in the darkness right now, blind and fumbling about. As uncomfortable as it is, it's not a bad place to be. It's a place of transition. I hope you will consider getting some councelling or reading some books that might help you. I've been scarce lately but, I will make time to talk to you if you want to talk.

 

[Caesium]

It sounds like you have spent some time reflecting on how you have dealt with some people in the past. That is a good basis for finding a new direction.

I imagine that it is a rare person who does not have incidents in their past that they regret how they handled. We learn and hopefully in the future can make choices that we are comfortable with.

I do wish you the best.

Well said, Minus

And what I find even more admirable about our friend here is his determination to stay away from drugs. He sounds like an ok guy, and we've all made mistakes in life, so maybe my previous post was a bit too harsh.

 

[Drake]

I'm sorry you're are going through that Drake.
What I'm trying to say is that I care about you.

I can't really give you advice on anything.
Hopefully what you have written will make more sence to you.

You don't want advice from me anyway.
Or rather...,when you figure this **** out...please let me know.

I've been going through a lot of emotional roller coasters lately.
I bascailly been running into my ex-gf of 12 years.
She was the love of my life.
I'm going through the "I love you, I hate you, I love U, I hate you.lol
It's really, really ******* with me. Obviously i still have a lot of feelings
for her and it's getting re triggered all over the place.

She's a recoverying alcoholic and she getting well.
She looks like the loving woman I fell in love with many years ago before
she relapsed into her disease. The past 5 years had been a total
nightmare. All I ever wanted out of life is to love her and share our lives.
I prayed my heart out for her to get sober for years so we can
live a normal life that peopple want to live.

Honestly...all I want today is for her to hold me and love me back.
It's not happening becuase we don't see eye to eye on whatever
the complicate **** we can't seem to decipher.

I dunno..the stuff that i go through that no one seems to understand
or care. Yeah Ironic ...I feel like I've been JADED.
I don't think i can handle what you went through after Jaded broke
your heart. The many novels will really **** me up than i already am.

I don't want to drink or use ever again but God damn, this **** hurts like a son of a *****.

I've been told in recovery...just write. Write in a journal
Write anything and everything that you honestly think or feel.
It's not ment to be judged or annalized by others. Perhapse you can fine the answers you're looking for through your wrting.

In recovery i was taught that our drinking and drug abuse are just the symtoms of our deeper problems.
So it's not just not stoping the drinking or using. It's all this other issues we have to face and deal with.
Sometimes it's like opening a can of worms when we do an honest inventory of ourselves.
It can re triggers alot of burried emotional problems steming from our childhood.
It's term emotional baggage in recovery. We bring it up to the surface to deal with it and face it so
that we don't have to carry that baggage into tommorow or make the same mistakes over and over
again...by reacting to our deep childhood pains.

LoL...That's why people get a sponsor..Someone that's been through the process.
Someone to pull you back out of it....when you start writing about deep stuff.
Becuase it can re trigger and alot of pains...it's as if you're reliving it again.
It's a mind fucken blower and the first thing your mind dose is to go crazy
in a sort wierd way of denial.

It's actaully our consiouse mind and not our sub consicouse that keeps us
in the same cycle of insanity...lol
Becasuse our consiouse mind had adjusted to our comfort zone and functioned will in the
****** up situations we keep putting ourselves in or create.....lmao

That's why recovery is about facing FEARS, having COURAGE, and all that good stuff..lol

So...don't beat up on yourself ..dude.

It makes a lot of sence...becuase you pretty much hit the nail on the head.
We react as when we were children , now that we are grown adults.
It's some of basic process in recovery that you're touching upon.

I hope you fine your way.

Be well

I care about you too man and of course I want your advice, why wouldn't I? I'm really sorry for everything you're going through, but relapsing isn't going to help. I've done it twice recently in june and actually just a couple weekends ago. You just feel worse about yourself. I never had a sponsor even when I was going to meetings, but I never really got close to anyone there either...maybe I should go back but there's just no people my age I used to write stuff down but I always found myself writing as if Jade or Alisha would read it, I guess because I wanted them to pay attention to me some how...anyway, just try to be strong man it's all we can do I guess :\

It sounds like you have spent some time reflecting on how you have dealt with some people in the past. That is a good basis for finding a new direction.

I imagine that it is a rare person who does not have incidents in their past that they regret how they handled. We learn and hopefully in the future can make choices that we are comfortable with.

I do wish you the best.

Thank you

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Drake))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It took a lot of guts to be as honest as you did. You were sooooo REAL and for that I am not only impressed, I am humbled.

I want to let you know that you are no longer that person who hurt those people. I say that because you REALIZE and are REPENTFUL for what you have done, something that the person in the past was not. Learn from this and move on. Like Steel said, we have all hurt someone. Forgive yourself. The thing that matters right now is not what you did but, what you can do. It's not who you were but, who you can be ....in this moment of grace. At this time.

As far as pushing people away, I don't know you well enough to say. But I can tell you that you are in a process of reflection and every answer you need is right inside you; it's matter of figuring it all out.
I know you feel like your in the darkness right now, blind and fumbling about. As uncomfortable as it is, it's not a bad place to be. It's a place of transition. I hope you will consider getting some councelling or reading some books that might help you. I've been scarce lately but, I will make time to talk to you if you want to talk.

*hugs* :'( of course I want to talk nal, you know this hun. message me any time on msn, pm me or email please!!

Well said, Minus

And what I find even more admirable about our friend here is his determination to stay away from drugs. He sounds like an ok guy, and we've all made mistakes in life, so maybe my previous post was a bit too harsh.

oh...word?

 

[EveWasFramed]

Yeah, sounds like you know that you did some pretty crappy things in your past and are willing to admit them. You don't make excuses for yourself either, which is good. We learn (hopefully) from our mistakes. Nothing matters now, except what you do from this day forward, Drake. Let every step that you take, from this point on, be in a positive direction.

((((hugs))))

 

[Drake]

I'm gonna bump this for more thoughts, please...opinions people.

 

[SilentThinker]

It is quite hard to be honest about these and I praise you for that.

Do change for the better.

 

[bookbinder]

From what you say, you love people too much. It's a symptom of being lonely. As soon as you get close to someone, you push things too far because you're terrified of being alone.

Calm down.

 

[sloth4urluv]

I'm not going to post this persons name out of respect, long story short, we became what I would like to think very close from talking on the internet. I really care care about her and truly love her, I'm just not sure in which way. Anyway, we've been talking for about..I dont know, 4-5 months pretty much daily about our problems, feeling empty and just wishing we both had someone to fill the void. Recently I told her I love her, needless to sa it was beyond akward, especially since she has found someone else (which I knew about before saying I love you). I dont know what I was thinking, but she hasn't messaged me since, the longest we've gone without talking since we've become close.

I feel you there man

 

[Hope_Reigns]

We've all made mistakes, it's what we learn from them and if we repeat them, that makes up who we are. Anyone can change if they truly devote to it, it's hard, but possible.

It is possible to fall in love online. I did, and had a 9 year relationship develop from it (he moved in after a year of just online). Granted I'm having problems there now, but no more than purely rl relationships have gotten me. This one lasted way longer, and the love was stronger. It makes sense you can fall online too, cause you fall for the inside person, and not just base everything off looks and physical.

I really hope things turn around for you in the future. Just learn and don't allow yourself to repeat things you feel bad about doing in your past. You'll be ok

It takes a strong brave person to admit flaws in open forum.

 

[Ithought]

It made me making some tears and I felt I hate you coz lies that I have and became lies by time after time for stupid believe what I had, how stupid I was what I was ..what I was.
Yea made me depress again.
These tears hug me of past and celebrate new me at the present time.
I don’t think these mistakes make present me.
It was just bad memories which I don’t need to through.

But when you tire come to the place
where we used to lay down
even it is floor of barn.
We feel the warm from others temperature.
And we could sleep without disturbing.
May we hear sound of sheep or horses but
when you walk into the door you forget what you have done
so that we could sleep like a baby.