A guy....is it my fault? Did he display huge red flags??

[tiddytok5]

So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.


He agreed and we exchanged numbers.

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time.

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question.


When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could. That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue.


The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago.

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.

Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated?

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone, lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him?

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a *** for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.


Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??


(He did ask me for a picture of myself)

We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???


I really feel hurt sad and depressed now. I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing, or just wave and don't stop??

 

[user 150037]

Sounds like this guy is a bit of a knob for repeatedly asking you out despite you telling him you're not interested.

A friend of mine recently had a similar experience - she had said to this guy she wanted friendship and he wound up making a move - and she hasnt spoken to him since.

There three types of platonic friends: ones who wouldnt think of dating you, ones who like you but value your friendship too much to act on it, and sadly, the ones who befriend you in the hope of a romance.

The first two types are the ones you want as friends (though you do want to tread carefully with crushy friends). And if this guy isnt willing to be a friend then hes not worth waiting for.

Even if he's decided that being around you is too painful cos he knows youll never be more than friends, he should at least talk to you about it.

Give him another week and if he hasnt reached out best you can do is forget him.

Hope i helped.

 

[Cherubino]

If he's like me friendship between two singles is not sustainable because at least he'll want *** if not a relationship

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I think @hewhowalksalone summed things up pretty succinctly. So, I'll play devil's advocate.

He was honest in what he wanted, from the start: he wanted a relationship. If I understand you correctly, you just texted for the first week (because you are not a phone person). You did not go out for coffee. You did not go out for lunch. It seems you were intimate with eachother enough to be quite hurt, upon his disappearance. You admit you've had a crush on him for years, but you never: struck up conversation, asked him out for coffee, tried to get to know him. You waited two years for him to make the first move; even though, anyone of us could die at virtually any moment. So, after two years, something quite remarkable happened; you both managed to come in contact with eachother, it sounds like, on an intimate level even, and not only did you want to wait longer, but you made it clear you wanted nothing beyond friendship, even though, you had feelings for him.

So, I guess that's one way of looking at it.



-----
I had a response before I read @hewhowalksalone 's response. So, I suppose I'll leave that here as well.
-----



Was he genuinely interested?
--Seems possible. He asked for your number.

Is he desperately eager?
--He could be, especially if he is lonely and has nobody in his life, or very few people.

Was he trying to use you?
--I don't think there's enough information to know that. Maybe, maybe not.

Was he rebounding with you?
--Again, I'm not sure there's enough information here, to know that.

Perhaps he saw you as some one to manipulate?
--Possiby. Again, it doesn't seem like there's enough information.

From my understanding of your situation:

You live near some one, and never really spoke with them before, except the occasional greeting. You've had a crush on them for years though. This person asked for your number, and you exchanged numbers. You made it clear you weren't interested in a relationship because you're not in a good place for that right now. You've had phone conversations; but, he has also been unresponsive to queries as to why he wanted to rush things (into a relationship).

His possible mistakes:
--Rushing things
--Going cold/cutting off communication

Your possible mistakes:
--Saying you don't want a relationship (but also harboring a crush, and being wounded at the loss of a new attachment).
--distrust.

It seems like you had some strong feelings for this person, and he possibly also had some; but, you wanted to take the scenic route, and he wanted to take the quick route.

I don't really see how you could have done things any differently though (Though, you live near each other, so, grabbing a cup of coffee seems like it would have been a possibility, and then from there, maybe dinner/movie/etc..). If you wanted to take things slow / just be friends, that's not unreasonable.

If you want to take a stroll in the park, but the person you are with is intent on going for a jog; one of you will have to slow down or speed up, or you'll both have to compromise, or both go your separate ways. Two people can only be in two different places, alone, however.

---

It doesn't seem like things were off to a good start. Then it seems communication started to break down (with distrust on your end, persisting to the present). And now it sounds like communication has ended.

I think you'd have to reestablish communication, first. It seems like you have an idea of how you'd like things to be; but, self-analysis and trying to find any possible faults on your end, I don't think, is a bad thing. Mixed signals can be difficult for anyone to process.

Loneliness can be tough and trust can be difficult (and relationships/friendships in of themselves will often have their difficulties).

---

Perhaps you both wanted the same thing; but, your ideas on how to get there, and your ideas of what the thing was, were just too different. Or, you both wanted different things, but still wanted them from eachother.

---

Communication has ceased, however; so, that would have to be reestablished before anything more could happen. Then communication would have to improve and trust would have to be established. And there would need to be an understanding between you both, on various levels. Etc.. Etc..

---

Sorry to hear things didn't work out..

 

[Punisher]

One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.


He agreed and we exchanged numbers.

No guy wants a girl's number just to be friends.

 

[user 150037]

No guy wants a girl's number just to be friends.

Especially if he goes awol on her after being told shes looking for friendship...

 

[okidoke]

Cut your losses and DON’T take up any offer now if he does contact you - it can’t have any fruitful ending from here on if you ask me. You’re only asking for disappointment in my opinion.

 

[tiddytok5]

No guy wants a girl's number just to be friends.

That isn't true. Don't stereotype nor generalize all men. Plenty of men and women are strictly platonic friends.

 

[tiddytok5]

Especially if he goes awol on her after being told shes looking for friendship...

I told him that I didn't want a relationship only a friendship before we even exchanged numbers. He agreed. He lied, lead me on and misrepresented himself.

No one forced him to agree and take my number.


He knew that he wanted a relationship to fill whatever void, or whatever his ill intentions were beforehand.

Once I told him that he should have said sorry, that's not what I'm looking for...and left me be.

 

[tiddytok5]

Cut your losses and DON’T take up any offer now if he does contact you - it can’t have any fruitful ending from here on if you ask me. You’re only asking for disappointment in my opinion.

I am not ever going to contact him. He is blocked...if I see him in passing..I'm unsure how to handle that. Wave and look away, or pretend not to see him???


He is creepy and makes me uneasy.



I was passing getting ready to go inside my home, and I felt like some one could be watching me..I glanced around and he was there in his window staring at me in a terrible way.

 

[okidoke]

I am not ever going to contact him. He is blocked...if I see him in passing..I'm unsure how to handle that. Wave and look away, or pretend not to see him???

Just ignore him.

He is creepy and makes me uneasy. I was passing getting ready to go inside my home, and I felt like some one could be watching me..I glanced around and he was there in his window staring at me in a terrible way.

In a terrible way? How? You wanted to look at his house. Don’t do that.

This is going to be an awkward situation now. You might have to move.

 

[Punisher]

That isn't true. Don't stereotype nor generalize all men. Plenty of men and women are strictly platonic friends.

Right. How's that working out for you?

 

[user 150037]

Thats exactly what my friend is going through with this other guy - hes trashed her house, her car and confronted her in public - the police have done nothing! I'm sorry to hear you're also going through it - police might be better at their jobs wherever you are at.

You have security cameras so that you can catch him in the act if he does end up targetting you?

 

[isthatso]

is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone, lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him?

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a *** for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.


Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??


(He did ask me for a picture of

I find your negative speculations a little on the nasty side. Is there any point in trying to read his mind?
Loneliness does funny things to people. I probably act weird sometimes because of it.
You seem quite ambivalent and hoping the relationship continues. Are you fully upfront with him? What are you looking for? Is friendship enough? If so , spell it out and have very clear boundaries and ask him what his intentions are.

 

[4No1]

I think it's quite fair to stop any contacts when you realized your goals are different. Maybe he hoped something more than a friendship is possible, then he realized, it is not so stopped it all. Before it went too far wrong, not the worst way.
Also, I dunno but I really wouldn't upset if some "stranger who have exchanged greetings a few times" stopped talking to me. Maybe there is something more?

 

[homelessincheshire]

I feel for the guy, it's a lose lose situation, he wears his heart on his sleeve and imho he should move on and find someone who will reciprocate, otherwise he is just being strung along like a puppydog.
From my perspective, if I ask a girl out and she says no, I don't really want to waste time trying to get to know someone who has no intention of reciprocating, it denies me a chance with someone who will and I would simply show the girl the respect she deserves (no need to hate on her) but simply move on.
Traditionally guys are expected to do the running, the woo-ing and he was upront, admittedly he might of read into the interest shown in him to stop and chat, but he also did both a favour by being foward and created the enviroment of clarity and skipped any awkwardness and stepped up to the plate and was foward about it. No fault of the girl either, if she says no, then no means no, move on dude.

 

[michael2]

That isn't true. Don't stereotype nor generalize all men. Plenty of men and women are strictly platonic friends.

I've never heard of a man ask for a woman's number if he didn't have at least a minimal amount of interest in her as a potential future partner. He might just end up being a platonic friend, but his interest was never 100% platonic at the start.

If you didn't want a relationship with him, why are you upset he stopped contacting you? Did you just want him to hang around in your friend-zone and boost your ego?

 

[movinggirl]

Especially if he goes awol on her after being told shes looking for friendship...

I agree. Ghosting someone is a bad sign