About depression

[TheSkaFish]

For me, I don't think it's caused by chemicals.
I think it's caused by the way things went for me.
I just feel so overwhelmed by my problems in life, and I feel like even if I tried to do everything as perfectly as possible, I'm afraid it still wouldn't work, because I worry that I'm not starting at a high enough level of ability to be able to develop it into anything better, or I'm just not lucky. I've always thought that you need to start out strong at something in the first place, AND THEN you can build that up to getting better. But I thought that you can't just develop something you don't have to start with, or else we'd all do it.

And that's caused me to retreat from life instead of engaging with it, and depression.

If my life went better/more smoothly, and I felt naturally better at things, picked things up more easily, then I wouldn't be depressed.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm afraid it still wouldn't work

You are aware that's literally every single person's problem for those with depression, right? That fear of it not being better....but what exactly would you lose if you tried and it didn't work? Would you be any worse off than you are right now? Does it mean that you shouldn't try just because you are scared? Push through that honeysuckle and find out what you are actually capable of instead of just assuming you aren't good enough.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You are aware that's literally every single person's problem for those with depression, right? That fear of it not being better....but what exactly would you lose if you tried and it didn't work? Would you be any worse off than you are right now? Does it mean that you shouldn't try just because you are scared? Push through that honeysuckle and find out what you are actually capable of instead of just assuming you aren't good enough.

I suppose that's true. I was thinking about that recently - trying, certainly couldn't make things any worse than they already are, whereas NOT trying, will certainly make things worse. It's the chance of maybe things getting better, or the certainty of things definitely getting worse.

I would like to find out what I'm capable of, I'd like to realize my full potential. I'm not really happy with anything less, more like resigned/feeling like I probably can't do better so I might as well not bother. Sometimes I feel like I just have to have something more to me than this. But I guess I'm afraid that I am already at it, and have no potential to fulfill. I get hung up on the fear that I really am the loser that I was treated like in the past, and that that's just going to be my life. It's something that I've always feared and hated, even from childhood. I worry that it's not in my nature to get things right enough, to have a better life than that.

Instead of that treatment lighting a fire in me and making inspired to get good at things, out of never wanting to be treated that way again, or prove the a**holes wrong, it made me just retreat from life instead and just go through the motions, until I gave up completely when I thought the world was going to end. And the whole time I felt like, I was angry at feeling forced to play a game just so I could lose, and in doing so, accept the humiliation of low status due to low traits, background, and skills. I had a thought recently and I think maybe on some level I felt like, if I attempt to improve, it's almost like I'm agreeing with the people that treated me badly, that I sucked and that's why I need to improve, if that makes sense.

Even if I didn't have all that, I still have this feeling that I'm not as good at things, and don't catch on as naturally, easily, or quickly, as a person would be if they were really the right type of person for it, and any attempt to improve won't take, because I would be trying to be something I'm not.

I guess that's the short version of it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

and that's why I need to improve

EVERYONE needs to improve. I try to improve myself every day of my life because if I don't, I will not grow and I don't want to stop growing as a person.

Even if I didn't have all that, I still have this feeling that I'm not as good at things, and don't catch on as naturally, easily, or quickly, as a person would be if they were really the right type of person for it, and any attempt to improve won't take, because I would be trying to be something I'm not.

Sorry, but this is all crap. If you are passionate about something and if you really want to succeed at it, you will. Now, obviously that doesn't apply to everything. Not everyone can just up and decide to cure cancer and make it happen and not everyone can just decide to be a mechanic and go immediately fix their friend's car. It takes work, it takes practice, it takes time.
If something doesn't "take" you need to figure out if you actually really wanted it or you were just too scared to put the effort in that it would take to make it happen.

What exactly is it that you want to be? What exactly is it that you want to do? Maybe start there, figure out the answers to those questions. Then research and see how to make it happen. Look for programs that will help you get where you want to be. Just DO something, because the only person that can make you a loser....is yourself. The only thing that can make you a failure.....is giving up.

 

[Mr. Preuss]

I had a thought recently and I think maybe on some level I felt like, if I attempt to improve, it's almost like I'm agreeing with the people that treated me badly, that I sucked and that's why I need to improve, if that makes sense.

I'm actually surprised you didn't realise this sooner. If you feel you must improve, get better at something, obviously you must do it because you want it, not because you feel coerced to do it. There's no point in doing it out of obligation alone because if you do, you're bound to fail and that failure will only make you suffer more.

 

[August Campbell]

I still have this feeling that I'm not as good at things, and don't catch on as naturally, easily, or quickly, as a person would be if they were really the right type of person for it, and any attempt to improve won't take, because I would be trying to be something I'm not.

Since You yourself said that you would be trying to be something you're not, then you are already good as is. In fact, I recall in a separate thread where other posters reassured you that you are already good as is. It's because you compare yourself with others that makes you feel dispirited. Not everybody needs to be a skilled lawyer or a skilled doctor. It's just society in general that tries to brainwash people into being a certain way. But you are an individual so you can be contented with yourself as is.
As the saying goes,"To each his own---all things being equal." So you don't need to feel inferior at all--since you are already good as is.