Ain't no mountain high enough?

[ilios]

Hi.

maybe you haven't noticed, but im lonely.
And being lonely isn't restricted to friendships in my case, i may have no friends (atleast no one that doesnt use me for my weed contacts and/or knowledge about underground clubs) but the absence of a lover hurts me more. By lover, obviously i don't mean somebody who will make love to me. I mean somebody to lay by my side, hold my hand and look at me with love in their eyes or whatever a lover does.

theres been indications that guys percieve me as "unreachable", the first indication was from one of my male friends when i told him that I had a slight interest in someone. He wrote "what! you?? but you seem so high up, so hard to reach! how could you like anyone?" and another one who was "hitting" on me said that he was actually SCARED of me?

It bothers me, because I don't see no reason to fear me and im certainly not unreachable.. honestly i feel its easier to talk to guys because i usually have more in common with them than with girls my own age, and thats why i'm pretty perplexed about this situation.
I myself don't think i come of as unreachable but since several people have told me this, maybe its true?


Anyways, i've noticed that some of you is in a relationship/has been in one and maybe you know more then me? (longest "relationship" i've had is 3 months.)
Soo uh do you guys know any ways to be more..reachable to the other sex?

 

[theraab]

Okay, your friend that said you were too high up and unreachable just doesn't have a pair, and is probably saying that all guys are intimidated by you because he is.

The guy who was hitting on you and said he was "scared" of you - what was the context of that? Did he mean scared as in "You are just such an incredible girl that I'm scared that you'll reject me" or scared as in, "You are a loud and outgoing person who everyone perceives as a wild chick, and I am scared that you might punch me in the stomach". My Jackie was definitely the latter type of scary - she was loud and outgoing in a way that a lot of people found intimidating.

If you are the former type of scary, you need to start looking around for guys with confidence - underground clubgoers and weed smokers may not be the top picks for you; If you are the latter type of scary, you may need to start making the first move (this is how Jackie got me - I had clearly put her in the friend-zone (I would complain to her about other girls, etc.) until one day we were sitting at a stoplight and she turned my face toward her and kissed me - she refused to let me leave her in the friend-zone - and it worked).

 

[ilios]

Okay, your friend that said you were too high up and unreachable just doesn't have a pair, and is probably saying that all guys are intimidated by you because he is.

The guy who was hitting on you and said he was "scared" of you - what was the context of that? Did he mean scared as in "You are just such an incredible girl that I'm scared that you'll reject me" or scared as in, "You are a loud and outgoing person who everyone perceives as a wild chick, and I am scared that you might punch me in the stomach". My Jackie was definitely the latter type of scary - she was loud and outgoing in a way that a lot of people found intimidating.

If you are the former type of scary, you need to start looking around for guys with confidence - underground clubgoers and weed smokers may not be the top picks for you; If you are the latter type of scary, you may need to start making the first move (this is how Jackie got me - I had clearly put her in the friend-zone (I would complain to her about other girls, etc.) until one day we were sitting at a stoplight and she turned my face toward her and kissed me - she refused to let me leave her in the friend-zone - and it worked).

I have no idea why i would be intimidating, i see myself as kind and nice and have never rejected anyone in a mean way or acted like im better than anyone.

haha yeah its def the latter type of scary. except he said that he was scared that id probably kill him (have NO idea why lol). Im pretty used to being friendzoned since i have a hard time displaying my affections and when a guy do comes up to me i reject him (im picky i guess)

My problem is that even if people percieve me as outgoing and strongminded i certainly don't feel like that. Im very self concious and have a hard time making the first move due to my evil little voice telling me that i'll only get rejected.

I have a perfect example of me trying to connect with someone i find interesting:

Theres a guy whos a skater and i find him so interesting and good looking that each time i tried to talk to him i just repeat the same sentence and then i'll be mute. i did get the courage once to go up and talk to him, asked if he wanted to smoke a joint later with me and he said "yes, how about now?" but my friends boyfriend came up and started talking to him about some guy that hit on his gf and i just fell silent, AND THEN THE GUY I REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO LEAVES, just like that. Since then i've had big issues with him, and i see him EVERYWHERE and my bodys first reaction is RUN, HIDE. Like when i see him in clubs i STARE into the wall in the opposite direction and hope that he doesnt see me.. Idk its stupid.

Im glad to hear that your jackie found the courage to drag you out of the friend zone!! maybe i'll find some guts someday.

 

[Badjedidude]

By "unreachable," they may simply mean that you're a bit reclusive and withdrawn.

It could also mean that they think you're pretty.

Some guys are scared of pretty girls, and often pretty girls end up being quite lonely because nobody will step forward and take a shot at them.

I have no idea. Just some food for thought.

 

[ilios]

Thanks for the reply badjedidude, i have no idea either. I mean i myself wouldnt put me in the "so pretty nobody can talk to me" corner. More likely it would be the withdrawn and reclusive part they are talking about.

 

[Badjedidude]

^^^Yeah, I'm just guessing. I haven't seen your pic, so I don't know if you are pretty or not.

But if people see that you're a bit withdrawn they may avoid you because they think you don't want to be bothered. Same thing if you tend to have a serious look on your face; they might assume that you're angry or something and not want to bother you. *shrug*

 

[theraab]

I just saw that pic in the "post a weird pic of yourself", and you are both good looking and you look like you're fun to be around (if I were a 20 year old Swedish boy, you would definitely catch my attention). But you did say that you turn some guys down, so it isn't that guys don't want to go out with you, it's just none of the guys you are interested want to go out with you - is that right?

 

[ilios]

at times im pretty cute. (see the pic i added for reference)

People are so hard to connect with..

 

[Regumika]

people ARE hard to connect with. because it is a two stage process. first you have to find the person to connect with, then you have to choose to connect with them. there will be people that you just cant connect with and there is nothing wrong with that.

same can be said about a relationship. there has to be an event (happened upon or created by you) that takes place, then you have to choose to act on whatever the outcome is, accept/reject.

and.. picky? i think we're all picky.. since we can only be in one relationship at a time right?

oh, dont be afraid to date too, and not like a 'going out' committed date, but just a get-to-know-you date. see if he is the one or not. saw a meme the other day. "in the end it's all about looks... does anyone ever fall in love with your personality at first sight?" Not that look's arent important. and i guess you CAN observe them to see their personality. but without knowing their personality you really cant decide to commit (to a relationship). friends are the same too. 'try them out' to see if you two can be friends. PM some people here =)

 

[ilios]

I just saw that pic in the "post a weird pic of yourself", and you are both good looking and you look like you're fun to be around (if I were a 20 year old Swedish boy, you would definitely catch my attention). But you did say that you turn some guys down, so it isn't that guys don't want to go out with you, it's just none of the guys you are interested want to go out with you - is that right?

yeah i do turn people down. Thing is that theres hardly anyone around that makes me interested, and the one that i was feeling drawn too well i burned that bridge (see post about avoiding a guy, thats him)

I used to be fun to be around, now im just a selfish and insecure shell

---

And aaah thank you all for taking the time to read and reply to this thread!!!! i really appreciate it.

 

[Regumika]

Selfish is okay. and there is no reason to be insecure. Shy, okay.

 

[ilios]

I honestly dont think its alright to be selfish, even tho i belive that humans are ruled by their ego and that every action is a product of your own ego. I took a shower on it and perhaps its just me who creates the lonelyness in my life

 

[Regumika]

well. perhaps selfish isnt the right word. but definitely do things for you. hm, i dont know whats the word for it. but like, you have a decision to do something you dont like to do, dont do it. dont do something you dont want to do, unless you have to of course. (like doing chores, making your own food, run your own errands).

there might be some truth in "living your life for others", but i dont think 'others' is refering to 'everone'. do things for yourself. do things that will make you happy. dont jeopardize your own wellbeing. its not 'me me me', but you do put yourself first.

not sure if that made any sense... >_>;

---

perhaps its just me who creates the lonelyness in my life

often times our minds like to create problems out of nothing.

 

[perfanoff]

I honestly dont think its alright to be selfish, even tho i belive that humans are ruled by their ego and that every action is a product of your own ego. I took a shower on it and perhaps its just me who creates the lonelyness in my life

This is true. Just a part of the human condition. But understanding this can make you feel less lonely.

 

[Sigma]

You ask how to be reachable to the other sex, but you should realize that not all guys look for the same in women.
What's the point in trying to appease to the general crowd when you're looking for someone special instead of whoever happens to be the first to cross your path and be open to a relationship. Wouldn't it be better to try and make yourself available to whoever you want to be with?
I'm just gonna use my own relationship to make my point here, she's definitely the one in charge, in all parts of our relationship.
I don't mind playing the submissive role, not at all, but ask any guy in this craphole I live in and they'll tell you I'm a ***** for feeling that way, they need to feel like a big strong man and control everything.
I don't know exactly what kind of guy you're looking for but there's no formula to get whatever one you want, you're gonna have to change your strategy depending on the guy.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You ask how to be reachable to the other sex, but you should realize that not all guys look for the same in women.
What's the point in trying to appease to the general crowd when you're looking for someone special instead of whoever happens to be the first to cross your path and be open to a relationship. Wouldn't it be better to try and make yourself available to whoever you want to be with?
I'm just gonna use my own relationship to make my point here, she's definitely the one in charge, in all parts of our relationship.
I don't mind playing the submissive role, not at all, but ask any guy in this craphole I live in and they'll tell you I'm a ***** for feeling that way, they need to feel like a big strong man and control everything.
I don't know exactly what kind of guy you're looking for but there's no formula to get whatever one you want, you're gonna have to change your strategy depending on the guy.

+1
I respect you, Sigma.

 

[frizzler]

What's the point in trying to appease to the general crowd when you're looking for someone special instead of whoever happens to be the first to cross your path and be open to a relationship. Wouldn't it be better to try and make yourself available to whoever you want to be with?

Well i may be going a bit off topic and it might not be the same case with OP but in my case i used (and sometimes do) i try to get along with everyone and as you say appease to people because in my case i had a pretty crappy childhood, no friends, closed in home etc and i guess i am trying to compensate that past i dunno

about ilios i gotta say you are just like a friend of mine
she used to be unreachable because she closed herself since she was afraid of being hurt and she allways needed that others took initiative because that is a sign of weakness and she wanted to appear strong
but after she lowered her defenses she got the guts to talk to a guy she liked and they are dating

those are my two confusing cents

 

[ilios]

You ask how to be reachable to the other sex, but you should realize that not all guys look for the same in women.
What's the point in trying to appease to the general crowd when you're looking for someone special instead of whoever happens to be the first to cross your path and be open to a relationship. Wouldn't it be better to try and make yourself available to whoever you want to be with?
I'm just gonna use my own relationship to make my point here, she's definitely the one in charge, in all parts of our relationship.
I don't mind playing the submissive role, not at all, but ask any guy in this craphole I live in and they'll tell you I'm a ***** for feeling that way, they need to feel like a big strong man and control everything.
I don't know exactly what kind of guy you're looking for but there's no formula to get whatever one you want, you're gonna have to change your strategy depending on the guy.

I really like your opinions but to clarify things, i didnt mean that i wanted to appease the general crowd. I think im a pretty rad girl and i would never consider changing myself just because i have chased some bro's away. But rad as i am, i still have flaws and one of my greatest flaws is being "unreachable". Maybe you define unreachable differently then I, but for me it's simply being cold!