SilverWing14
New member
I have no friends. I tell myself that this is fine, that I don’t need friends, that I don’t want any friends, and sometimes I feel content without them. But sometimes I feel completely alone. I don’t know if I have social anxiety or what but I don’t have any strategies for making friends. Even if I knew what to say to initiate a conversation with a stranger, I’m not sure I could get the words out. In most situations with other people, I don’t feel any desire to speak with them. I’d rather just be to myself. But then I still end up feeling alone, especially when there’s no one around.
When I feel alone it’s like darkness is pressing in from all around me. That I’m just lost in this darkness, and that there’s no way out and no light. And when it gets really dark, part of me says it would be better to kill myself than keep living without any companions. In these moments it even feels as if my life has no purpose, that I’m nothing but a fluke, that I’ll amount to nothing because I have no ability to communicate with people in a normal way. A lot of people say “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” and they’re right in general. So what chance does someone with no friends have?
I used to have friends. But I always took them for granted, like I’d always have them no matter how much effort I put into our friendship. Several of my friends stabbed me in the back, which I won’t go into here, but some of them just got tired of being the only ones putting in the effort, I’m sure, plus we went to different universities so the friendships ended. In first year I was too chicken to live in rez – plus my parents didn’t want me there – and I regard this as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. If I’d lived in residence I’d have been forced to interact with people in an ideal environment and I would probably have made at least a few friends. But instead I went through university meeting a handful people in classes who became acquaintances at best – and temporarily at that. I tried harder with them than with the friends I’d lost but I never knew how to be closer to them than a mere acquaintance.
I managed to get a girlfriend a couple years ago and my not having friends worries her a lot, as is understandable. Based on my solitary nature and restricted interests she’s even questioned whether I might be undiagnosed with something like Asperger’s, but I would find this hard to believe as I don’t show many signs of it and no one has brought up this possibility before. But still I question if there might be something else that I could be diagnosed with. Or maybe it’s just a deeply-engrained self-esteem issue. I had a somewhat difficult childhood (who doesn’t, really?) but not terrible. As a kid I liked playing with other kids and I didn’t have a problem with it. It’s just that as I got older I became less and less interested in the more grown-up versions of those kids, and now that I’m an adult I often find it hard to establish any kind of connection with people. As a kid I was terrified of my father, as he was a ******** and used to scream at me for the smallest things, and my mother has always been fickle to say the least, which may be connected to my self-esteem issues in some way I’m not aware of.
I guess a question I have is what strategies I could use to build up my confidence and self-esteem? I’ve been treated for anxiety and depression (both talk therapy and several different medications) but these treatments didn’t help in a substantial way. I’m worried that I’m headed for more serious mental health problems or an early death, and I’m tired of living this way.
When I feel alone it’s like darkness is pressing in from all around me. That I’m just lost in this darkness, and that there’s no way out and no light. And when it gets really dark, part of me says it would be better to kill myself than keep living without any companions. In these moments it even feels as if my life has no purpose, that I’m nothing but a fluke, that I’ll amount to nothing because I have no ability to communicate with people in a normal way. A lot of people say “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know,” and they’re right in general. So what chance does someone with no friends have?
I used to have friends. But I always took them for granted, like I’d always have them no matter how much effort I put into our friendship. Several of my friends stabbed me in the back, which I won’t go into here, but some of them just got tired of being the only ones putting in the effort, I’m sure, plus we went to different universities so the friendships ended. In first year I was too chicken to live in rez – plus my parents didn’t want me there – and I regard this as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. If I’d lived in residence I’d have been forced to interact with people in an ideal environment and I would probably have made at least a few friends. But instead I went through university meeting a handful people in classes who became acquaintances at best – and temporarily at that. I tried harder with them than with the friends I’d lost but I never knew how to be closer to them than a mere acquaintance.
I managed to get a girlfriend a couple years ago and my not having friends worries her a lot, as is understandable. Based on my solitary nature and restricted interests she’s even questioned whether I might be undiagnosed with something like Asperger’s, but I would find this hard to believe as I don’t show many signs of it and no one has brought up this possibility before. But still I question if there might be something else that I could be diagnosed with. Or maybe it’s just a deeply-engrained self-esteem issue. I had a somewhat difficult childhood (who doesn’t, really?) but not terrible. As a kid I liked playing with other kids and I didn’t have a problem with it. It’s just that as I got older I became less and less interested in the more grown-up versions of those kids, and now that I’m an adult I often find it hard to establish any kind of connection with people. As a kid I was terrified of my father, as he was a ******** and used to scream at me for the smallest things, and my mother has always been fickle to say the least, which may be connected to my self-esteem issues in some way I’m not aware of.
I guess a question I have is what strategies I could use to build up my confidence and self-esteem? I’ve been treated for anxiety and depression (both talk therapy and several different medications) but these treatments didn’t help in a substantial way. I’m worried that I’m headed for more serious mental health problems or an early death, and I’m tired of living this way.
