Am I… wrong?

[CenotaphGirl]

I’ve wanted to have children since I was a baby. Literally my whole life.

Honestly sometimes I feel so conflicted about who I am… I have an amazing fella I love him but… when we talk about having children… I feel so… angry. It dawns on me that i’ll have to share my baby with him, it’ll have his name… even though I will carry and birth it… the more we discuss the more I realise that I literally want him to have no say… none at all. But I pretend its not how I feel and pretend to be so happy about the idea of creating life with him. Like I want to, I just dont wanna share, or trust my child with any man…

When I was single…I used to have dreams of getting pregnant and running away, like never telling anyone and just being a good mother on my own… I just dont know what that means… am I just selfish? Confused? How could I trust anyone with what would be my greatest creation? We share his daughter now perfectly, but I dont think I could do it if I carried her myself… Idk… maybe i’d change.

 

[roses4all]

I don't like the word ''wrong''. How can feelings be wrong. You feel what you feel.

Animals and people are programmed to look for the best traits in their mates (as in making babies). We want our kids to be strong and have the best life and not suffer. So, guys look at hot chicks... but it's a vitality thing. So their children with be vital and survive. Woman look for money so they and their kids won't suffer. My ex partner was so friggin intelligent, and creative and good enough at sports. I wanted my children to have those traits. (I should have been looking for the ''caring'' gene... ex was a narc... so doomed to failure on all levels.)

Then there is the love. I loved him so much, I wanted to bring a child into that love. I wanted my child to be loved and raised by myself and his/her father. I didn't want my child to feel abandonned. I wanted my child to have everything, including 2 parents, 2 sets of grandparents, all the cousins (and enough money). And I wanted to watch that. Watch my child in the arms of his/her father being loved.

So, that is how I felt.

Maybe for you, it's a trust thing.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I do think you are.. I guess wrong here. You seem to think that since your biology is designed to incubate the new human. If you truly feel this way then you should probably consider a sperm donation and just be a single mother. Well that or have the baby before you get married. Then the child can be more your own I guess?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I don't like the word ''wrong''. How can feelings be wrong. You feel what you feel.

Animals and people are programmed to look for the best traits in their mates (as in making babies). We want our kids to be strong and have the best life and not suffer. So, guys look at hot chicks... but it's a vitality thing. So their children with be vital and survive. Woman look for money so they and their kids won't suffer. My ex partner was so friggin intelligent, and creative and good enough at sports. I wanted my children to have those traits. (I should have been looking for the ''caring'' gene... ex was a narc... so doomed to failure on all levels.)

Then there is the love. I loved him so much, I wanted to bring a child into that love. I wanted my child to be loved and raised by myself and his/her father. I didn't want my child to feel abandonned. I wanted my child to have everything, including 2 parents, 2 sets of grandparents, all the cousins (and enough money). And I wanted to watch that. Watch my child in the arms of his/her father being loved.

So, that is how I felt.

Maybe for you, it's a trust thing.

Wow thats interesting, I guess I feel scared to trust someone to be a good father to my children, im scared that my choice in man determines sooo much for someone else and not just myself

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I do think you are.. I guess wrong here. You seem to think that since your biology is designed to incubate the new human. If you truly feel this way then you should probably consider a sperm donation and just be a single mother. Well that or have the baby before you get married. Then the child can be more your own I guess?

I feel like i’d prefer a sperm donors child but theres far too many uncertainties. I want a child with my fella I just dont wanna share it. I googled it and its pretty common thank god as I thought I was insane it’s just I dont wanna decide important things with him. I think genetic wise we are a perfect match its just hard for me to trust someone with the one thing i’ve always wanted.

 

[Azariah]

i dont think its wrong to want to have a kid i think that's normal. if you want to be a single mother however maybe that's ok as long as you take care of your child.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

i dont think its wrong to want to have a kid i think that's normal. if you want to be a single mother however maybe that's ok as long as you take care of your child.

Deffo I appreciate hearing this so much. I will deffo look after my child with or without the “dad” so i guess you’re right thats all that really matters

 

[Azariah]

yup, there are many single mothers out there who are doing a great job at raising their kids even without their father.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I just thought, why wont I share, but I just dont feel its even, I’m gonna do wayyy more on my side, so how can I let him name my baby? Just feels wrong, and I feel wrong for lying about wanting to share all these special moments with him. Idk if im overthinking or what.

 

[ardour]

I’m gonna do wayyy more on my side,

...are you going to support yourself and your child?

Maybe think of in terms of the positive impact your bf/husband will have. He/she will probably be better off with a father.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

...are you going to support yourself and your child?

Maybe think of in terms of the positive impact your bf/husband will have. He/she will probably be better off with a father.

I knowww thats the thing, I want that positive impact I just dont want him to have any rights. You know…

 

[Finished]

I just thought, why wont I share, but I just dont feel its even, I’m gonna do wayyy more on my side, so how can I let him name my baby? Just feels wrong, and I feel wrong for lying about wanting to share all these special moments with him. Idk if im overthinking or what.

Well, I'm sure he'll be paying for the child for the rest of his life. So, let him give the kid his last name. That seems fair to me. Maybe you get to decide the childs first name. That also seems fair to me.

 

[ringwood]

I don't think you're 'wrong' in how you're feeling. . . Just not sure I quite understand your viewpoint. Last I checked it takes a female egg and male sperm to create a little human, right? So it stands to reason if you want to have a baby with your man, you're going to have to share - he's kinda had a starring role in the job, after all. Think of it as a partnership in bringing forth your greatest creation. And what about hyphenating the kid's name - his last name and yours? Lots of people do that.

What did used to piss me off about having a kid was everyone saying, "Oh. . . he looks just like his dad!!" Uhhhh, excuse me? I was the one who nurtured and bore this little kid into existence and he doesn't look like me at all?? Screw you people!

 

[TheRealCallie]

It sounds like you are romanticizing parenting and pregnancy. It's typically never what you expect it to be. And not sharing the child will get very old, very fast because children are hard, especially babies and eat up every single ounce of your time and energy.
I always thought I would love being pregnant, but when it actually happened, I hated it. So I get that you really want to be a mom and have babies and all that, but maybe downgrade your expectations a little bit or you may find yourself being resentful or have your fantasy broken.
Also, being a single parent is not all it's cracked up to be (not sure it's cracked up at all, actually), so share the children so you can have some time for yourself and not get overwhelmed.

What did used to piss me off about having a kid was everyone saying, "Oh. . . he looks just like his dad!!" Uhhhh, excuse me? I was the one who nurtured and bore this little kid into existence and he doesn't look like me at all?? Screw you people!

UGH!!! I know the feeling. BOTH of my children look exactly like their father. (Thankfully, my oldest got MY nose. lol)

 

[ardour]

I wouldn't want my kid to look like me. That's probably why I'd prefer someone of a different ethnic group to reduce the chance of that.

 

[Adamridge79]

all this makes me feel that much better I was never able to procreate

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Well, I'm sure he'll be paying for the child for the rest of his life. So, let him give the kid his last name. That seems fair to me. Maybe you get to decide the childs first name. That also seems fair to me.

I just dont understand what money has to do with it he’ll pay for me for the rest of his life dosent mean he gets to have rights and decide things for me. I want my child to have my fathers name, not his… I hate feeling the way I do honestly.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I don't think you're 'wrong' in how you're feeling. . . Just not sure I quite understand your viewpoint. Last I checked it takes a female egg and male sperm to create a little human, right? So it stands to reason if you want to have a baby with your man, you're going to have to share - he's kinda had a starring role in the job, after all. Think of it as a partnership in bringing forth your greatest creation. And what about hyphenating the kid's name - his last name and yours? Lots of people do that.

What did used to piss me off about having a kid was everyone saying, "Oh. . . he looks just like his dad!!" Uhhhh, excuse me? I was the one who nurtured and bore this little kid into existence and he doesn't look like me at all?? Screw you people!

But my issue is he wouldnt even know if I didnt tell him… so yeah he gets a hot night but i get the sickness and the life threatening process of being pregnant and child birth… so how is it 50/50 i mean its not even 70/30 its literally 99/1… I just feel so annoyed when ppl say things like “we’re pregnant” no… you’re pregnant and he just gets to sit there and make decisions idk i just thought this was a wrong way to feel until… I googled and realised im not 100% alone.

I do think babies look like their dad lol i never realised how much it upsets some women to hear that though!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

It sounds like you are romanticizing parenting and pregnancy. It's typically never what you expect it to be. And not sharing the child will get very old, very fast because children are hard, especially babies and eat up every single ounce of your time and energy.
I always thought I would love being pregnant, but when it actually happened, I hated it. So I get that you really want to be a mom and have babies and all that, but maybe downgrade your expectations a little bit or you may find yourself being resentful or have your fantasy broken.
Also, being a single parent is not all it's cracked up to be (not sure it's cracked up at all, actually), so share the children so you can have some time for yourself and not get overwhelmed.



UGH!!! I know the feeling. BOTH of my children look exactly like their father. (Thankfully, my oldest got MY nose. lol)

Oh wow Callie, I just feel like having a family is… my purpose, you know? I just cant imagine sharing what im gonna risk my life to create… I feel like I have to tell him before he walks into this expecting rights as… I dont even want him on the certificate, I just want him to make my dream of motherhood come true.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I wouldn't want my kid to look like me. That's probably why I'd prefer someone of a different ethnic group to reduce the chance of that.

Shut up Ardour you have good genes oh wait.. that sounds racist you have uhm good genes just like everyone else