An unfamiliar situation

[Rindokisuto]

Hello

I have had only one job, and have been there for about 7 years. I get along well with all my co-workers, mainly because I tend to talk very little, and many of them seem happy to share their own problems with me. My quiet demeanor also leads to being involved in almost no work-place drama, so I don't end up being a bother to anyone.

Recently though, it feels as though one of my co-workers is trying to get closer to me. She sometimes goes out of her way to talk to me (my station is somewhat isolated), and somehow gets me talking much more than I usually do. She also frequently seems to genuinely care about my well-being - providing recipes for food (she knows I can't cook and live alone), asks me what im going to eat for lunch, buys coffee for me, etc. The only thing that has been going through my mind at work and home is why would anyone be this kind to me?

I have never been in a relationship (24 years old), and I know she is already in one, but the attention finally led to me being somewhat attached. I find myself sometimes glancing at her, then immediately look away if she sees me. I realized I must be coming off creepy or desperate, so now I try specifically to avoid eye-contact or long conversations. I wish I could simply tell her not to be so kind towards me, but now I know I would miss it.

 

[lifestream]

Perhaps this woman senses that you're someone who hasn't seen much kindness and positive attention in their life and is trying to remedy that? People are like that sometimes.

 

[Sometimes]

Do you feel you could risk telling her how you feel and asking her for clarification about her own intentions? I mean, if she were to tell you right out, that she is only interested in being friends, then maybe it would be easier to put her in the "friend" box, and keep her there.

 

[Rindokisuto]

Perhaps this woman senses that you're someone who hasn't seen much kindness and positive attention in their life and is trying to remedy that? People are like that sometimes.

Maybe your right about this. I really didn't think people like this existed. My hope is that I can at least learn to show similar kindness back, but my social anxiety seems to make me instinctively try to ignore her, or convince myself that I don't care.

Do you feel you could risk telling her how you feel and asking her for clarification about her own intentions? I mean, if she were to tell you right out, that she is only interested in being friends, then maybe it would be easier to put her in the "friend" box, and keep her there.

I had already come to the conclusion that this is what I "should" do, but I don't think I could ever follow through. Even trying to start small talk myself is something that is very difficult for me, I can't fathom bringing up a topic like this. Besides being awkward, my experiences so far tell me that it will go negatively, and then be shared with everyone around the workplace. After that, every time I see a co-worker laughing/smiling, Ill be wondering if they are directing that towards me and how I can't understand social queues or intentions.

 

[lifestream]

Maybe you could bring her a coffee one day, or even suggest going to lunch together? I know they're big, frightening steps, but she sounds like she's a nice person who's looking to develop a friendship with you.

 

[Triple Bogey]

Don't knock it, she sounds friendly. Be friendly back. Nothing wrong with it.
It's not going to be anything else because she's in a relationship.
Don't questions why she likes you either.

 

[Sometimes]

Do you feel you could risk telling her how you feel and asking her for clarification about her own intentions? I mean, if she were to tell you right out, that she is only interested in being friends, then maybe it would be easier to put her in the "friend" box, and keep her there.

I had already come to the conclusion that this is what I "should" do, but I don't think I could ever follow through. Even trying to start small talk myself is something that is very difficult for me, I can't fathom bringing up a topic like this. Besides being awkward, my experiences so far tell me that it will go negatively, and then be shared with everyone around the workplace. After that, every time I see a co-worker laughing/smiling, Ill be wondering if they are directing that towards me and how I can't understand social queues or intentions.

I totally understand this. It's really great that you know yourself so well, and work with what you know.

Maybe try this: when you talk to her, see if you can ask her just one or two questions about her partner. Like, where he(she) works, how he(she) is doing. This will make the partner a real person to you, tell you more about your new friend, and may make clearer her intentions.

 

[SofiasMami]

How about simply enjoying the kind gestures of a coworker? Being kind to you probably makes both you and her feel good. Why question it? It's not often you will run into people in life that are willing to offer friendly gestures without much expectation in return. Definitely a sincere thank you and a smile are in order but stop thinking too hard about things. Just enjoy it and pass along the kindness to someone else who needs it.

-Teresa

 

[Serenia]

The only thing that has been going through my mind at work and home is why would anyone be this kind to me?
[/quote]

This kind of made me feel sad. She probably sees a nice quality in you and she feels like reaching out. Also some women love to feel like they are looking after people, its an instinct in some, and it could be that.

You could always be honest and say you are not used to this kind of thing. She sounds nice you might of made a nice work friend there, if she is clear about being in a relationship IFYKWIM.

You never know she might have a sister .

Good luck and enjoy it.

 

[mickey]

One huge risk of being isolated is becoming dependent on the rare person who gets anywhere near you. That seems to be what's happening here. Because there is no one else, she fills up all the space in your life that, in most people's lives, several people would fill, each taking up less room and not seeming quite so large. What you're feeling is perfectly natural and to be expected. But you almost certainly don't fill that big a space in HER life, so be firm with yourself about respecting what you mean to HER, which is going to be less than she means to you. It's hard, but honor and honesty demand it.

 

[Rindokisuto]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. At the very least i have been able to think with a much clearer head around her, and i can hopefully enjoy it for what it is.