I'm obsessed with it, as in seemingly possessed by it.
"L'appel du Vide" as the French say, or The Call of The Void.
I sort of live in cognitive awareness of my existentialism.
I actively try not to emotionally exist, because the introduction of feeling tends to result in psychotic breaks from reality.
As in, you know, the exact opposite of what other people tend to experience as life. Usually, that's the other way around. Usually, sudden existential realizations cause psychotic breaks from reality due to people typically being more emotional than not.
I'm kind of the dead thing that hasn't died yet.
That's not to say that I'm totally void of emotion, because that's absolutely not the case. It just comes and goes, sometimes I can even catch the fly so-to-speak and logically realize that I'm emotionally compromised in the moment.
It's when I can't however, that psychosis tends to spiral out some.
Really, what I am, is a hyper-compartmentalized Creative.
I would love for the idea of something like Moksha to be real, it'd be a grace, but with my luck I'll just end up right back where I'm already at re-living this life again trying to re-learn whatever it is I haven't yet learned.
I do fundamentally believe that:
I do actually believe that people repeat cycles of rebirth until they have learned whatever it is that they were meant to learn as a lesson.
So part of me thinks sometimes that I should just reroll the dice whenever I'm ready to, but the other part of me rationalizes that it doesn't matter if I do or not.
We're in a Hell of a time to be alive though, that's for damn sure.
Nowhere in any ancient text does it suggest that the Universe is an estimated 14 Billion Light Years in size. Or roughly around 140,000,000,000,000,000 Miles. If you use the equator of the Earth as a measuring stick of around 25,000 Miles in diameter, it would take around 3,000+ Earth's to reach the Sun in terms of distance, which is 1 Astronomical Unit away, for mathematical size comparison purposes. It's almost unfathomable.
So to some degree I also question myself and think:
"If an ant is on a rock, does it know that the Earth is as large as it is or as old as it is? We're the ants in the grandiose scale of the size of the universe."
Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Maybe they do know that, maybe they don't.
The last time someone asked me why I wanted to was about 2 or 3 years ago, and I didn't exactly plan my response, it just kind of came out of my mouth and what I said was: "Just to see what's on the other side."
Businessmen think about money when they wake up and go to sleep as the first and last thought.
Family Men think of their family as the first and last thing when they wake up and go to sleep.
I think about Death, the Afterlife and Science.
That's the punchline I guess as to why I spend so much of my time researching theological history and anthropology, because it gives me a perspective of how former civilizations and indigenous peoples viewed ideas of Death, Burial and The Afterlife.
It was suggested to me, about 15 years ago, that Creative people are called Dreamers because we're perpetually in a dream-like state.
So I've also considered the Vanilla Sky situation in which dying might wake me up.
And for as dark and nightmarish as my dreams are at times, others are so beautiful and vibrant that I don't know if I want to wake up from it.
