Been told that I will find someone when I'm not looking

[African_weasel]

I lost weight and started a project. It kept my mind of wanting a relationship but it still creeps up on me and I still get the lonely feeling. What do you guys think. Also, the make-over has this forum looking clean.

 

[Xpendable]

Yes, the same people that tell you have to put yourself outhere.

 

[Skyless]

I think on the aggregate that statement has at least half a truth within it.

The part that is true is that when you are satisfied with your life and are off doing things and pursuing interests you enjoy without actively and consciously trying very hard to desperately find someone. You don't exude the tension, the neediness, controlling behaviours, jealousy, disingenuousness, negativity or hopelessness that can be a turn off to a great majority of people.

Instead you are enjoying your life without as much pressure on yourself and people you happen to meet along the way can see an authenticity, happiness and a relaxed and/or confident approach in your behaviour and demeanour and body language which tends to be attractive to many people. In addition, focusing on your interests, passions, career, enjoyable activities and hobbies also has the added benefit of sometimes putting you into proximity to people of shared interests, which again can help make it easier for you to form connections. I think all the above is the element that this particular "found when not looking" statement is trying to highlight.

However, the part of it that is completely not true BS is that anyone is ever going to find you if you are hiding and that no effort is necessary Potential partners are not going to try to burst through your door unless you are a celebrity lol. You have to be out in environments or some venue where other people are and if you are a guy, the majority of the initiating will have to be done by you. That's just the reality of it all and no optimistic one liner statements can change that No mater how nice they can sound.

 

[MentatsGhoul]

The problem I've always had with this statement is, regardless of whether it's true or not, how do you expect someone to just STOP wanting a relationship? It's also very vague. I agree, it's an issue when you're constantly thinking about how you're not in a relationship and want to be in one, but why not go out, have a profile on some dating sites, put yourself out there? It sure as **** won't happen when you're working the same job with the same people every day, hang out with the same groups and/or just sit on your *** at home, that's just a logical incompatibility.

All in all, it's a fine sentiment, but it's always just felt like a bit of "fluff" advice to me that's not really worth telling anyone, or actively trying to follow yourself for that matter.

I think a better concept (that I should really try to follow myself) is just try not to keep it on your mind all the time. I go to parties hoping I can chat up a girl, I'm constantly checking my Tinder and yeah, it's not exactly helping my chances and just making me feel worse. I think what we should be doing is just look for a relationship more "passively", as a sort of side thought when you're doing other things with your life. And I think that's what most of the people who go around saying that "not looking" mantra actually mean, and how they likely found relationships.

 

[ardour]

It assumes that the person is focussing ALL their time on finding a partner, without already pursuing interests, career, travel opportunities etc. where they’re able to meet people, as if they have no life. Not very helpful.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It goes with the saying "a watched pot never boils"

 

[Tealeaf]

I don't think we control when/if we find someone, outside of not shutting ourselves off from the world entirely.

 

[Xpendable]

Watching or not, the pot was still being boiled by you.

 

[DarkSelene]

I don't think we control when/if we find someone, outside of not shutting ourselves off from the world entirely.

Couldn't agree more.

People here are very cynical about relationships/love, I do understand the motives and reasoning behind it but it's still a bit gloomy since I think most people are interesting in their own way. This is not super related to the thread but I'll just leave this here...

 

[Tealeaf]

I don't think we control when/if we find someone, outside of not shutting ourselves off from the world entirely.

Couldn't agree more.

People here are very cynical about relationships/love, I do understand the motives and reasoning behind it but it's still a bit gloomy since I think most people are interesting in their own way. This is not super related to the thread but I'll just leave this here...

I know I personally tend to vent when I've been hurt, and it's based off the experiences I've had. When people don't find time for me, can't communicate with me, etc, and I don't have a real-life support network, it's hard to be positive.

But I do agree, there are many untrue beliefs floating around.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

You will find the love of your life when you're least expecting or not paying attention, is a bunch of crap. Pardon my language, but I have been "waiting and waiting" for almost half of my life. I just turned 34 last week, and I still don't have a girl, whom I can proudly call my girlfriend.

All of my friends either have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or are married, or married with children. My sister (I despise her though because of whom she decided to marry) also married six years ago.

It seems like everybody is already with somebody, but not me.

My point is, I have been "least expecting" my significant other for the past freaking 34 years, and I still have nobody to cuddle or be with. This is sad but also very vexing and frustrating for me.

I keep hearing this crap over and over again. The last time I've heard that was when I was in my 20s. Now, I'm in my 30s. What next? I'm still going to wait and least expect God to hand me a girlfriend when I'm in my 50s?!

 

[wallflower79]

I can see how that can be frustrating to you, GrayandLonesome. I feel like with the number of married friends and family and helpful people at church I have that give it, that this is annoying advice. I think that it is part of people say it because when they look in hindsight, that's how it seemed to them. I could just be cynical, but it's my impression that people like to say that about their experience meeting their spouse--that they weren't even expecting it--is because they want to make their own story seem more romantic and special.
In my experience, I see a lot of marriages happen with people who have a large social group and a lot of friends that spend a lot of time setting up situations using this group to meet with the person they're interested in, talking to people to make sure that they know they're interested without making it too obvious, and using the help of friends to talk them up to the person of interest until they become serious and then eventually engaged, and that it is definitely in their mind to do that when they first meet the person, and I think that they planned it all along.

 

[morrowrd]

If I had followed that horrible advice, I never would have met anyone.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

I can see how that can be frustrating to you, GrayandLonesome. I feel like with the number of married friends and family and helpful people at church I have that give it, that this is annoying advice. I think that it is part of people say it because when they look in hindsight, that's how it seemed to them. I could just be cynical, but it's my impression that people like to say that about their experience meeting their spouse--that they weren't even expecting it--is because they want to make their own story seem more romantic and special.
In my experience, I see a lot of marriages happen with people who have a large social group and a lot of friends that spend a lot of time setting up situations using this group to meet with the person they're interested in, talking to people to make sure that they know they're interested without making it too obvious, and using the help of friends to talk them up to the person of interest until they become serious and then eventually engaged, and that it is definitely in their mind to do that when they first meet the person, and I think that they planned it all along.

Thanks for your empathy, wallflower79. But it's true. All of my friends are married, or, they either have a boyfriend or a girlfriend (depending on their ***). My sister also got married six years ago, and although I no longer talk to her, well, she's married and has two sons. She's also three years younger than I am.

I just turned 34 years old last week. Time is ticking. People such as my former co-workers, friends, relatives, parents, etc, have told me this same BS of "oh, you will find the love of you're life when you're not expecting it." Bunch of rubbish/garbage because that was told to me when I was 21, right after I graduated from college. I then went on to graduate school, which I eventually withdrew from, because my mom got into a horrible car accident, and I didn't like the instructors and my classmates. That really bummed me out, and still to this day, I'm still scarred by my graduate school experience.

Anyhow, getting back on topic. Finding the special person when you're least expecting, is not true.

Quite honestly, I think that a person must be aggressive and ACTIVELY looking for somebody to be their romantic partner.

Right now, I have been doing online dating for the last four months. Quite honestly, I have not been to successful in finding a girl who will eventually become my girlfriend.

All of the girls who have gone on with a face-to-face date meetup with me are just "currently friends."

Either I have been friendzoned by they, or some of them really do want to take things slowly. I'm just going along with the flow, hoping that one of them becomes my true-love girlfriend!

 

[michael2]

People who found someone when they werent looking probably have a dozen friends, go to parties and gatherings every week, and more. They're constantly in a position to meet someone from the opposite *** who might like them. In fact I'm sure they have to say no to alot of people. If you tell them about our situation they'll probably laugh at us because its so foreign to them.

For everyone else who doesnt have such a busy social life I cant see how love will 'come find you when you're not looking' in a timely manner. You'll end up like me, 31 years old with no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[blackdot]

I get told I should quit looking and then love will find me. They hate when I point out that at 43, if love hasn't come looking for me yet, it must not exist.
They then tell me I should be out there actively looking. When I ask them where, they tell me out there. Once again, at 43, I ain't going to actively find someone when I still don't know the first thing about finding someone. I sure am not attracted to anyone my age. I get along best with people about 10 years younger than I am. Socially, I still view myself as a teenager.

Even dead women turn me down for dates.

 

[Cucuboth]

I always find that those who say "you'll find someone when you least expect it", and "you just have to put yourself out there" are always in a relationship, so they don't have to worry about doing it, or they could be in a relationship if they wanted to (they "play the field" in other words, and have a lot of opportunities). I went through about 10 years of not looking, and focusing on other things (like school, then university, hobbies, ect ect) and eventually, when I couldn't take it anymore, what did people say? "Oh, we thought you were happy being single". No. I. Wasn't. It wasn't the only reason for my breakdown, but it was definitely a contributing factor. Doesn't help when you don't have any friends of course, so whenever I go out somewhere, I have to go alone. No so called 'wingman', no introductions. I'm 40 now and I've never held hands, had a hug, I haven't had my first kiss. I've tried internet dating sites for over 10 years, and never get a reply or a response. Waiting for it doesn't work. Looking for it doesn't work.

Sorry if I sound morose, but it's just so frustrating.

 

[hppnssseeker]

I HATE when people say that. I've tried both actively looking for love and letting things just casually happen and I haven't had any luck either way, but at least with an active approach I don't feel like I  just let my life go by without making an effort to find love.

 

[TheRealCallie]

That expression doesn't mean you can't date, just stop being so focused on finding exactly what you want. Go out, have a good time, stop being so damn serious. THEN it will find you.

 

[African_weasel]

I can see how that can be frustrating to you, GrayandLonesome. I feel like with the number of married friends and family and helpful people at church I have that give it, that this is annoying advice. I think that it is part of people say it because when they look in hindsight, that's how it seemed to them. I could just be cynical, but it's my impression that people like to say that about their experience meeting their spouse--that they weren't even expecting it--is because they want to make their own story seem more romantic and special.
In my experience, I see a lot of marriages happen with people who have a large social group and a lot of friends that spend a lot of time setting up situations using this group to meet with the person they're interested in, talking to people to make sure that they know they're interested without making it too obvious, and using the help of friends to talk them up to the person of interest until they become serious and then eventually engaged, and that it is definitely in their mind to do that when they first meet the person, and I think that they planned it all along.

I barely have time to make friend either. Mostly because the public transportation only moves slightly faster than I can run. On top of that, I moved back to Ohio. So pretty much starting all over again.