Beginning to feel suicidal

[TheRealCallie]

So, I also just googled it, and prices start from £1,195.

You ask what the harm is in trying? Busting £1.2K on a "professional service" that does not guarantee results.

As far as things I do, I'm at a loss. I've asked friends etc, but they don't believe me and seem to think I'm making this up. I guess the problem is that it was always so easy for them to attract people, they don't concieve of a world where it's very different.

Holy crap, I didn't think they would cost THAT much....


Okay, how about an astrologist or a psychic? I'm not saying I buy into all that stuff, but a lot of people do. Maybe one of those would be able to help you out. I don't know, I'm just trying to think outside the box here.

But no, I don't think you should see yourself as a freak just because I mentioned a matchmaker. Sometimes you just need an outside perspective. Not someone you are friends with or even family because they won't always tell you the truth, but someone who doesn't have anything real to gain by telling you their honest opinion. I mean obviously there is money involved with those type of sources, but maybe just look around, see what your out of the box options are. I assume you've tried the conventional methods, so maybe try some unconventional ones.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Thirty years old is sooo young man. There's a lot of life ahead of you (I'm in my late 30's even, only).

Imagine you only had one year to live? You'd wait it out, right? Make the most of it?

Sounds like there are a lot of unexplored options.

Have you traveled internationally? Have you lived abroad? Have you learned a new language? Have you learned a new language and immersed yourself in a new culture beyond just the, 'tourist,' areas? Have you tried a match-maker? Have you tried foreign services for women who want to marry into America (I think you live in America?)? Have you spent some time with escorts (just for some company, and friendship)? Have you tried moving to a different state? Have you tried speed dating? If you're really feeling bold, you can just swipe right 100 times on tinder once a week and see what the drag net brings in.

Engineering requires a certain type of mind. Do you find you are a, 'routine,' person, and generally stick to the same program, within your day-to-day living? Might need engineer some hardcore variety into your life. Have you taken some extra-curicular classes at the local colleges? Have you tried getting into acting (good way to meet people and really push beyond your comfort zone)? Comedy? I never met ladies in my, 'technical,' college courses. There were some, but the ratio was always like 1 lady to 20 men.

Desperation can be problematic. And inexperience can be problematic. But, if you have a little money to invest, you can work with that. Speed dates or blind dates. You have the ability to pay for meals here and there. You can afford escorts. You can take classes, acting, artsy stuff, etc..

I think I saw a shirt that some one had on, that said, "would you marry you?" I think it's a good question to ponder.

And then lastly, in my experience? The few times I've been truly in love, it always just, 'happened.' Same with the relationships inbetween. And sometimes love took time to grow; it was a slow build up, rather than fireworks. It was just circumstantial and all in the timing. Kind of like a Chinese Finger Trap, eh? You try to get out, it only grips harder. You loosen up into it, and then you can roll that finger over and pull it off.

It really is a lot like fishing. You need your pole. you need a hook. You need a sinker and bobber. You need some bait. But, after that, it's a waiting game. Sometimes you catch a boot. Sometimes you end up with a, 'good catch.' And if the fish aren't biting? You're either in a spot with no fish, or your bait is no good for the type of fish that are around, or, it's just a bad season, in that area, etc..

You have some very, very, very wonderful gifts my chum: health (I'm assuming), stable work (sounds like), a place to live (sounds like), friends, family (perhaps)?

It's such an utterly massive world out there, with such variety, and profound beauty in so many places at so many different times. And on top of that, each individual is a Universe unto themselves: a unique past, dreams of the future, present situation, and view points and positions and experiences, and sufferings, etc....

So, go easy mate... Cheers.. And if your friends are all paired up... Start making some new friends who are single!

 

[ardour]

Men can make up for an "ugly" facial structure (somewhat) through increasing their masculine appeal.

It sounds corny but you could try a beard, or building yourself up even more, dressing more masculine or doing activities that give off that vibe of being active and outdoorsie, etc.

On the other hand, you're one of a gazillion men these days who are struggling, so perhaps you aren't that ugly. Just a thought.

 

[okidoke]

……… I've never come across a woman in her 30s who hasn't had a boyfriend or any male interested.

Wow, you’re quite sheltered! There’s heaps out there, and the ones who are “ugly” obviously wouldn’t like to show themselves as much. You just have to find them.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Awh this i’m really sad to read this, I’m sure you’re just not thinking straight. You arent a ugly man at all. Means little coming from a random hot girl on the internet but truth is truth. I genuinely wish you could turn off the inner doubts, as they may be setting you up for failure.

Now I am not sure why you aren't having success in the dating market… I tried very hard to find a reason but I cant. It might be how you act with money more so than not having any… thats my last suspicion.

Only thing I can say is please dont give up, I know you will find a woman who feels just as lucky to have you as you do her. Sounds like fairytales but I promise you anything is possible

Be kind to yourself

Ceno x

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Thirty years old is sooo young man. There's a lot of life ahead of you (I'm in my late 30's even, only).

Imagine you only had one year to live? You'd wait it out, right? Make the most of it?

Sounds like there are a lot of unexplored options.

Have you traveled internationally? Have you lived abroad? Have you learned a new language? Have you learned a new language and immersed yourself in a new culture beyond just the, 'tourist,' areas? Have you tried a match-maker? Have you tried foreign services for women who want to marry into America (I think you live in America?)? Have you spent some time with escorts (just for some company, and friendship)? Have you tried moving to a different state? Have you tried speed dating? If you're really feeling bold, you can just swipe right 100 times on tinder once a week and see what the drag net brings in.

Engineering requires a certain type of mind. Do you find you are a, 'routine,' person, and generally stick to the same program, within your day-to-day living? Might need engineer some hardcore variety into your life. Have you taken some extra-curicular classes at the local colleges? Have you tried getting into acting (good way to meet people and really push beyond your comfort zone)? Comedy? I never met ladies in my, 'technical,' college courses. There were some, but the ratio was always like 1 lady to 20 men.

Desperation can be problematic. And inexperience can be problematic. But, if you have a little money to invest, you can work with that. Speed dates or blind dates. You have the ability to pay for meals here and there. You can afford escorts. You can take classes, acting, artsy stuff, etc..

I think I saw a shirt that some one had on, that said, "would you marry you?" I think it's a good question to ponder.

And then lastly, in my experience? The few times I've been truly in love, it always just, 'happened.' Same with the relationships inbetween. And sometimes love took time to grow; it was a slow build up, rather than fireworks. It was just circumstantial and all in the timing. Kind of like a Chinese Finger Trap, eh? You try to get out, it only grips harder. You loosen up into it, and then you can roll that finger over and pull it off.

It really is a lot like fishing. You need your pole. you need a hook. You need a sinker and bobber. You need some bait. But, after that, it's a waiting game. Sometimes you catch a boot. Sometimes you end up with a, 'good catch.' And if the fish aren't biting? You're either in a spot with no fish, or your bait is no good for the type of fish that are around, or, it's just a bad season, in that area, etc..

You have some very, very, very wonderful gifts my chum: health (I'm assuming), stable work (sounds like), a place to live (sounds like), friends, family (perhaps)?

It's such an utterly massive world out there, with such variety, and profound beauty in so many places at so many different times. And on top of that, each individual is a Universe unto themselves: a unique past, dreams of the future, present situation, and view points and positions and experiences, and sufferings, etc....

So, go easy mate... Cheers.. And if your friends are all paired up... Start making some new friends who are single!

Thirty may be young by comparison, but it's still the oldest I've ever been, and certainly longer than I've known anyone to go through life being treated as ugly & unwanted.

I've taken myself abroad a few times, honestly, it just doesn't do a lot for me. Not only did it cost as much as a two-person trip, there's nobody to share it with. Travel is about the people you share it with, so you can look back years later and say "remember when?" I could melt a credit card to go backpacking in Bolivia, but I'd still return to a world where women don't want me.
I'm not one for escorts, it's just not the itch I need scratching. It's not so much the physical act, it would be the knowledge that someone out there finds me borderline attractive. Like if my friends paid for an escort to 'find me' in a club and take me home. It's not the companionship I crave, it's being wanted in a more romantic sense. As I mentioned in this thread, I have done speed dating; I felt it went alright, I felt relaxed and funny, people were nice and conversation flowed. Then Iget my results and every single women ticked 'no' for me, and that happened three times.

I have plenty of hobbies that keep me busy, I've won competitions for Swing Dancing, amateur photographer, gym rat, I genuinely have a host good friends and people around me, I can't complain on that. I have no problem jumping into things that I'm interested in, but at the moment I'm just not interested with picking up another distraction, when all I want in life is for someone to find me attractive. You know, that thing so basic that teenagers don't even have to ask for.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Men can make up for an "ugly" facial structure (somewhat) through increasing their masculine appeal.

It sounds corny but you could try a beard, or building yourself up even more, dressing more masculine or doing activities that give off that vibe of being active and outdoorsie, etc.

On the other hand, you're one of a gazillion men these days who are struggling, so perhaps you aren't that ugly. Just a thought.

I'm not a 'big' guy, but I have a muscular physique through weight training, which I'm pleased with, but really only gets me compliments from dudes. I dress in clothes the show off my body and flatter me, but still doesn't really get me anywhere. I work in engineering, so it's not like I'm going around telling people I'm an IT grunt.
I don't know what to tell you, any time a man has told me he's having girl trouble, he lets it slip that he's afraid to talk to them, or doesn't have any hobbies that would provide opportunity, things that I would easily point to fix. With me, I've done all that, I've done everything I can think of, and that's it?

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

Awh this i’m really sad to read this, I’m sure you’re just not thinking straight. You arent a ugly man at all. Means little coming from a random hot girl on the internet but truth is truth. I genuinely wish you could turn off the inner doubts, as they may be setting you up for failure.

Now I am not sure why you aren't having success in the dating market… I tried very hard to find a reason but I cant. It might be how you act with money more so than not having any… thats my last suspicion.

Only thing I can say is please dont give up, I know you will find a woman who feels just as lucky to have you as you do her. Sounds like fairytales but I promise you anything is possible

Be kind to yourself

Ceno x

I'm a little confused, what's the question about money?

 

[okidoke]

All I can say is, keep trying. Seriously, I've seen plenty of "ugly" men, who I know aren't loaded, with partners. It's a numbers game and unfortunately some people have to go through more numbers than others.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I'm a little confused, what's the question about money?

It may just be your attitude around money, some people have poor attitudes around money but I wouldn't know it’s too hard to judge online.

Please keep your head up, theres fish in that ocean

 

[Unsigned]

It sounds corny but you could try a beard

It worked for that jerk Bilzerian.
Well, that & having a rich father...

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

It may just be your attitude around money, some people have poor attitudes around money but I wouldn't know it’s too hard to judge online.

Please keep your head up, theres fish in that ocean

I wouldn’t say I have a poor attitude around money.

Financially I’m doing ok. Zero debt, I’m not a home-owner, but owning a home for someone born in the 90s, on one income, is basically impossible without help.

I don’t have a large amount of savings, but enough for an emergency. I don’t carry myself with attention grabbing or flashy brands, I prefer simple designs of quality material and fit. A pair of Ray Ban aviators is about as much of a logo as I’m willing to show

 

[Running Alone]

I'm the guy you mentioned earlier as having not wanting to be later in life (waking up one day and seeing a 50+ year old version of the man your are today, still alone, still unloved, chronically single, never having found a match, etc). And I had the same thoughts back then too - wanted to punch my card and check out of this miserable life on a daily basis, I could've saved myself decades worth of misery I knew was ahead. Yet I pressed on. I still question myself for that tho, not sure I made the right choice and christ, the thought of several more decades of this same life is almost unbearable. BUT, I have plenty of friends, some family, a great dog, etc, so I keep going.

I agree with what others have said: hang around, life IS worth it (I suppose, and maybe that choice is close, living vs not, but yeah, there's just enough to tip the scales towards living IME, it IS worth it). We don't all get lucky enough to be paired up but the thing is, you don't have to be for your life to feel purposeful. I know, that's not what you wanted to hear. I found something a few years back that helped me: I'm not the most religious man by a long shot lol - but I joined a church purely for the ease of volunteering. It's a little thing but I figured I'd at least feel useful somehow, perhaps not like the husband and provider I dreamed I'd be as a kid, but I am helpful in my community now. I think I just didn't want to look back and realize that despite my homely appearance, I refused to let my life be a total waste and decided I could help others. It's not much but something and enough to keep my hanging around a bit longer. Good luck!!

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Thirty may be young by comparison, but it's still the oldest I've ever been, and certainly longer than I've known anyone to go through life being treated as ugly & unwanted.

I've taken myself abroad a few times, honestly, it just doesn't do a lot for me. Not only did it cost as much as a two-person trip, there's nobody to share it with. Travel is about the people you share it with, so you can look back years later and say "remember when?" I could melt a credit card to go backpacking in Bolivia, but I'd still return to a world where women don't want me.
I'm not one for escorts, it's just not the itch I need scratching. It's not so much the physical act, it would be the knowledge that someone out there finds me borderline attractive. Like if my friends paid for an escort to 'find me' in a club and take me home. It's not the companionship I crave, it's being wanted in a more romantic sense. As I mentioned in this thread, I have done speed dating; I felt it went alright, I felt relaxed and funny, people were nice and conversation flowed. Then Iget my results and every single women ticked 'no' for me, and that happened three times.

I have plenty of hobbies that keep me busy, I've won competitions for Swing Dancing, amateur photographer, gym rat, I genuinely have a host good friends and people around me, I can't complain on that. I have no problem jumping into things that I'm interested in, but at the moment I'm just not interested with picking up another distraction, when all I want in life is for someone to find me attractive. You know, that thing so basic that teenagers don't even have to ask for.

I just suggested the escort thing as a way to have companionship/friendship (especially outside of the realm of your friends who seem to be a point of despair as they are all, 'paired-up'). That's kind of why people pay therapists, really: some one to talk to. You are more likely to get some honesty there, if that's what you seek.

If anybody, from the lowliest of the low, to the highest of the high, had a fool-proof formula for finding, 'the one,' then this world would look mighty different. And there wouldn't be so many divorce lawyers...

So...

Have you traveled internationally? (check)
Have you lived abroad?
Have you learned a new language(s)?
Have you learned a new language and immersed yourself in a new culture beyond just the, 'tourist,' areas?
Have you tried a match-maker?
Have you tried foreign services for women who want to marry into America (I think you live in America?)?
Have you spent some time with escorts (just for some company, and friendship)?
Have you tried moving to a different state?
Have you tried speed dating? (check)
Have you tried speed dating more than once? More than twice? etc..

Have you taken some extra-curicular classes at the local colleges as a way of meeting people?
Have you tried getting into acting (good way to meet people and really push beyond your comfort zone)?
Comedy?
Activism?
Volunteering?

---

I'm just trying to drive home the point that, there is often more out there, than a single mind can comprehend. Some things in life, good and bad, will just fall right into your lap. Other stuff takes a little effort. Other stuff takes a lot of effort. Some stuff takes time. Some stuff takes the, 'right time.' Some stuff requires the, 'right place.' Some things take luck. Some times it's dumb luck. Other times it's clever/smart luck. etc..

Some things we are gifted with in life, or cursed with. There are things we can change and things we can't change.

---

You don't have to do anything, and I'm not saying that in a scolding manner or anything; as if it's some choice, as whether to win or lose. It's unlikely a post from me, on the internet, will change your life.

---

If you aren't familiar with Rodney Dangerfield, you might want to read up on him. He didn't find his love until late in life...

 

[okidoke]

And don’t forget, there have been plenty of good looking people that have had terrible relationships and multiple failed marriages and disastrous lives. Oh, and plenty that began good looking and ended up hideous. Some earlier than others.

 

[Cherubino]

since you assess yourself as ugly it follows there are men and women whom you assess ugly as well ... so if one of those women would be willing to love you just the way you are ... would you recommend them it's better for them to suicide since they are ugly

 

[Cherubino]

personally I consider this man one of the most PHYSICALLY handsome man I ever saw due to his somatized spirit ... it's no different with women

 

[user 188685]

This is a hard question, the dating scene is hard these days, I know if I was a lot younger it wouldn't be so hard, all I can say is don't give up, yes it does take a lot of time, but just don't give up, do you go to church? Maybe you can go online and find a church and start going to church.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

I just suggested the escort thing as a way to have companionship/friendship (especially outside of the realm of your friends who seem to be a point of despair as they are all, 'paired-up'). That's kind of why people pay therapists, really: some one to talk to. You are more likely to get some honesty there, if that's what you seek.

If anybody, from the lowliest of the low, to the highest of the high, had a fool-proof formula for finding, 'the one,' then this world would look mighty different. And there wouldn't be so many divorce lawyers...

So...

Have you traveled internationally? (check)
Have you lived abroad?
Have you learned a new language(s)?
Have you learned a new language and immersed yourself in a new culture beyond just the, 'tourist,' areas?
Have you tried a match-maker?
Have you tried foreign services for women who want to marry into America (I think you live in America?)?
Have you spent some time with escorts (just for some company, and friendship)?
Have you tried moving to a different state?
Have you tried speed dating? (check)
Have you tried speed dating more than once? More than twice? etc..

Have you taken some extra-curicular classes at the local colleges as a way of meeting people?
Have you tried getting into acting (good way to meet people and really push beyond your comfort zone)?
Comedy?
Activism?
Volunteering?

---

I'm just trying to drive home the point that, there is often more out there, than a single mind can comprehend. Some things in life, good and bad, will just fall right into your lap. Other stuff takes a little effort. Other stuff takes a lot of effort. Some stuff takes time. Some stuff takes the, 'right time.' Some stuff requires the, 'right place.' Some things take luck. Some times it's dumb luck. Other times it's clever/smart luck. etc..

Some things we are gifted with in life, or cursed with. There are things we can change and things we can't change.

---

You don't have to do anything, and I'm not saying that in a scolding manner or anything; as if it's some choice, as whether to win or lose. It's unlikely a post from me, on the internet, will change your life.

---

If you aren't familiar with Rodney Dangerfield, you might want to read up on him. He didn't find his love until late in life...

Apologies for the delayed response, you've clearly put a lot of thought into your post, it felt inappropriate to bash out a quick reply on my phone at work. Am home now, and can go through your questions with due care and attention.

I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings, but of the various reasons men pay escorts, honest opinions is not one of them. These are professionals whose sole occupation is to make you feel like a king, so that you may hire them again. They absolutely would not say "You know what? You are awful looking, and if I wasn't on your money for an hourly rate, I wouldn't look twice at you." Like I said, it's not the company I'm lacking. Christ, things are bad now, but if I ever get to a point where I'm paying hookers to tell me I'm handsome, I may as well kill myself.

My friends do try, but we've just lived so very different lives; they're pretty people, they spent their 20s in a bubble of kindness, free drinks and outdoor ***. When I explain that I spent my 20s being turned down because people say I'm ugly, they don't understand or believe that the world can be like that. I suppose it's like if you had a friend with asthma telling you they can't breathe, you can say "Don't be silly! There's plenty of air in here, I can breathe just fine!" and you're not incorrect, but it does little to help your friend who is suffering.

I have travelled internationally.
I have not lived abroad. Honestly, it does not appeal. Believe it or not, I'm very pleased with the life I've carved out for myself and the friends I've made. Packing everything I own into storage, getting on a plane and moving to someplace where I have none of that, just sounds like my idea of hell.
I have learned a new language. I still get called out as ugly, but at least I can reply in fluent French.
I have not tried a match-maker, the starting cost is £1200, which is incredibly steep for a service that does not guarantee results.
I'm not looking to marry right now, certainly not marry a woman who's only interested in me for a green card.
I've moved around to several places, spent the last few years where I am. I've been called ugly in different cities and different countries, I've been called ugly on four continents now, I just need to go to Australia to get the full set.
I have done speed dating three times, each time I was ticked 'no' by every single woman at each event. My online dating (across several different apps) yields the same result.

Through my free time, I've taken up swing dancing classes, which led me to a vibrant community of people, many of which are women under 40. Women outnumber men 2-1, so any single man gets snapped up pretty quickly. I've been dancing for 10 years now, and am seen as one of the best leads in my city. Aside from dancing, I am a member of several "meetup" groups, which also has a large influx of single women in their 20s and 30s. I'm telling you this to assure you that it's not a lack of opportunity to meet women, it's that they say "Eww no, he's ugly!"

As an aside, I love Rodney Dangerfield, his standup sets are absolute killer.

 

[MysteriousTelephone]

since you assess yourself as ugly it follows there are men and women whom you assess ugly as well ... so if one of those women would be willing to love you just the way you are ... would you recommend them it's better for them to suicide since they are ugly

That's incorrect, I don't assess myself as ugly, I think I'm somewhere in the ballpark of 'average' (don't we all?) but apparently the general consensus is less forgiving.
I
don't know, I've never seen a woman who is incapable of finding a man. Even women who are grossly overweight are either with partners or dating. Despite the breakdown being roughly 50/50, there is a power dynamic in that women tend to be more sought after than men.