I have the same problem around people, I'll become very awkward, I'll tend to be quiet and not say anything, become extremely nervous, become hyper- vigilant. Sometimes I can just barely fake it for 5 minutes and I feel like I'm dying inside before I rush away. I'm also schizophrenic, so sometimes I hear things, that I do not know if they are real or not, mostly derogatory towards myself i.e. at work she's so stupid she cannot insert the array into the LC right or pipette the (chemical X) to form the agent, and I fear they are all against me saying **** all day about making me feel worse, Sometimes I think it is true because it is in the same room and I distinctly hear it, but imagine all day every day, stuck in a vicious circle of hearing people say **** about you or plot against you and think they're going threw your ****. it happenes everywhere I go, then hearing your fat, ugly, make fun of my clothes, my hair, (and I was a model when I was younger) maybe a little bit heavier but not much, but I think I hate myself so much, even my mind is attacking myself. Plus I have a traumatic past, with various situations of abuse, PTSD, borderline PD, I was attacked by my fiancé while pregnant because I was scared and young, only 20 years old and I was cross country by myself for modeling and expanding my business/spa by going to massage school, I was stabbed and beaten almost to death and lost the child. Besides childhood abuse by both parents, father was the worst, he even beat us up at what was supposed to be the happiest place on earth, Disney land, he broke my arm, I was 14 and very naïve, my friend set me up with her rapist because she was jealous of me and my life. I was doing well, family was well off, I was smart, she was into drugs, I was pretty and starting to boom into popularity and she wasn't. she set me up with this 24 year old, who I thought was 18, who I first thought was going to teach me to box. our school was very tough, fights all the time, and /I was always either starting them om or ending them. He then ripped all the phone cords out of the wall and held a knife to me, and cut himself until I undressed and he tied me up with them, he then proceeded to inject me with heroin, then threw me on a dirty mattress he kept down there and did the deed. the problem was he kept me there and kept getting me high so that I would get addicted. so then when he would come to my school, if I didn't willingly get into his car, he would follow my bus home. but I needed the drugs so I would eventually break down and go and it would happen all over. it happened for months. then around x-mas I sought help and went to rehab. he freaked out because he thought he was going to prison for raping a minor. he would call non-stop. I just told him if he doesn't leave me alone, I will seriously kill him. he even had the nerve to ask if I bought him an xmas gift. he kept stalking me, and I was always afraid he was going to kill me. Someone in school found out and spread it around school, and people made fun of me for it. someone bot came up to me and said something along the lines of mocking it and then I'm going to **** you. then I found out where he was after school, pulled up in a tinted windowed cadilac with my older bro and his friend, and my two friends and beat the **** out of him.
even though we are all ****** up in our own little ways, we have to keep going. I also have had so many surgeries, I am ten years behind in school. I am just now graduating with my BA when I should have my Ph.d and beyond. but I have a great scholarship right now I wouldn't of had before, and have much better opportunities, school wise.
give yourself credit for each and every little win and achievement. and don't obsess over each little mistake. celebrate the wins. I am saying this even though I just got out of a mental institution yesterday for trying to kill myself. I am 35, some things are just too much too bear. I fear I have lost my path.
first, I am an RA in neuroscience in Rutgers Brain Health Int. and have a scholarship that chose 2 out of about 30,000 or more. so that is a huge accomplishment. but I was pushed into it..it isn't my passion. I like psychology and the research, but I could care less about the actual workings of specific parts of the brain, and the sounds of neurons and synapses, and damn stop task signal.
Lately I have felt I lost my fire, my light, my drive. I found my husband who I thought ws my soulmate cheating on me. it crushed me. I'm 35, but look 26, but I don't want to start all over. it seems so exhausting. also I am so far gone emotionally, and worn out from all the crap I had to deal with and hide from everyone. now it is in the open and it is worse. I should have suffered in silence. I was more at peace, and could be on my own instead of getting locked up or watched all the time.
I find my peace in music though, and writing. lyrics, beat and melody make my soul happy. and guitar. but that cannot be all that I live for. plus I have no one to talk to. no one on my level who understands me or who can relate to my pain, even somewhat, and make me feel safe, and happy. I want to look into their eyes and see their pain without speaking, and truly bond as we walk to each other, see the light in their eyes as they see what I see, a potential for a match and understanding and happiness and truth and freedom. no more hiding. he or she will set me free. but for now I will go on in my misery, misunderstood, misguided and lost in this thing called a life.
