Being assertive makes me physically nauseous

[oopsiedoop]

That's how bad it is.

 

[IgnoredOne]

So was the first time for a lot of guys when they talked to girls.

Exposure will make it better. Be brave, and keep it up.

 

[oopsiedoop]

Oh, I don't think so. You're talking about only one thing, I'm talking about generally being assertive about anything. I could generalize, I try, from something like that. It's definitely the same thing. However, what I mean is you only have to work on one thing. So that you can gradually succeed. At that one thing. But when it's everything...I can't generalize from one thing to another. The thing is, oddly enough, that having a good relationship is the one thing that I can generalize from. But without it, everything is hard and in discrete ways.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Humans are adaptive, keep being assertive and you will grow a tolerance.. I am drunk....

 

[Skorian]

I would say it is simple, but that doesn't help you.

Alot of things are affected by biology. Take an interest in your body and look at what you eat.

Alot rides on how people take care of themselves. It isn't what is often seen pushed these days, but there are all sorts of books on the subject of the mind and body connection.

Find ways to release stress and burn off stress hormones. Get a punching bag and beat the tar out of it.

I really need to find a word to replace my alots. I think I was poked at by english teachers back in high school for overuse.

 

[oopsiedoop]

I decided you're all right. It just hurts so much more when it's general.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Oh, I don't think so. You're talking about only one thing, I'm talking about generally being assertive about anything. I could generalize, I try, from something like that. It's definitely the same thing. However, what I mean is you only have to work on one thing. So that you can gradually succeed. At that one thing. But when it's everything...I can't generalize from one thing to another.

But, well, you can. It won't be easy, but its possible.

I could go into some research, and so long, but the long and short of it is that our brains literally come to develop differently if we keep behaving a certain way. And in all honesty, women do tend to use a different part of the brain than men, so there could be a certain gender bias that further makes it more uncomfortable for you to behave assertively.

However, it /is/ possible for your mind to change, or at least change enough for you to accomplish your purposes - the brain also exhibits neuroplasticity, meaning that it can rewire and repurpose itself. This isn't going to be easy; you can visualize it much like growing muscles physically. You are not going to grow muscles easily, and not overnight, that's for certain - but it is possible.

We only grow muscles through after microinjury - literally causing stress damage in our tissue so that it will regrow stronger. Its not always pleasant, as I can attest to myself. But its worth it. Mentally, too, then, changes will also stress your mind and sometimes, you will exhibit psychosomatic symptoms of nausea like you mentioned. I believe that those can actually be positive signs, though, as you must break previous connections and reestablish them.

I'm sure there's an easier way. But I hope it gives you some comfort in knowing that it is possible, as well as the realistic visualization in how difficult it is.

 

[oopsiedoop]

But like you said, men find it hard to be assertive, too.

Anyway, what I realized furthermore is that it's not being assertive I don't like -- it's conflict.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Well, just because someone has it a bit easier doesn't mean that its completely easy. Men also hypertropy during puberty but that doesn't make us all randomly buff and muscular, and that's actually a pretty significant boost(around 20% increased growth, I believe). As a society, we like to expound on dualisms - "x is black, so y is white!", but I think that reality is closer to degrees of difference rather than complete contrast.

Getting more comfortable with conflict depends on the person, I think. I'm more comfortable with any confidence that I will "win," so I draw upon past experiences of success.

 

[Skorian]

But like you said, men find it hard to be assertive, too.

Anyway, what I realized furthermore is that it's not being assertive I don't like -- it's conflict.

I would say that is the number one thing people here have in common. Anyone that is not that way I suspect are driven away. It is sad really as alot can be learned from conflict. Most people can handle conflict. However, many can't. I have one brother that is this way. And my father as well. My father could not handle anyone thinking anything he didn't think.

It can be hard to learn on ones own when it requires people to agree. It is hard to gain multiple perspectives on anything when everything has to be one basic point of view.

It is hard to be an individual when you have to be accepted and can only do what you believe is accepted. Someone simply disagreeing with you can prevent you from doing anything outside what they want. As long as there are rules in a conflict, it is not the end of the world.

Why do some people feel a desire to be in situations where everyone agrees? Rarely does that actually work. I personally think it is important to be able to disagree and still function.

It is hard to be assertive when you fear conflict.

I myself do not understand why disagreement = threat to some people.

 

[roguewave]

Oopsie,

I used to feel like you do about asserting myself. What pulled me out of it was my inner rage. I was tired of feeling invisible. I remember that at my worse people would literally walk or back right into me because they wouldn't even notice I was there. I can't tell you how many times this happened. Well, the last time was one too many and my blood began to boil.
I am still soft spoken. I am not a different person but I have anger on my side now and evidently, visibility too. People do not walk into me anymore.

Try getting really pissed off is what I'm saying.

 

[nerdygirl]

Some people aren't assertive. That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just how you're wired. I know oodles of such people. Many end up deliberately seeking out assertive people to help direct them and/ or defend their best interests.

 

[oopsiedoop]

You don't want to see me mad.

 

[Chasm]

You don't want to see me mad.

sumhow w/this i get visions of sharp kitchenry thngs
*blank stare*

 

[blackdot]

I am not a leader type. I am not an assertive type.
I am a worker/doer.

People I know like to try to push me into running projects or take on leadership roles. They think that by trying it out that I will get used to it and be better. I have to argue with them that I have no skill at that and by putting me in a situation where I am the authority, things will not get done as I will vanish.

I am also a behind the scenes negotiator. If there are problems, then I quietly fix it. But I try to keep the spot light off of me.

 

[oopsiedoop]

You give off the impression you're masterful. I am constantly anxious, so I don't. I think I'd rather be you.