Bender's Journal: Part 2

[bender22]

I did some in person approaching again over the weekend. 

First one was a girl I saw at the supermarket. Thought she looked amazing when I first saw her and I started to think it would be a great opportunity to do an approach. 

I didn't approach when I first saw her and then I saw her a few more times while I was doing my shopping. When I got to the checkout, I was lining up just behind her. I felt like I just had to try approaching her at that point. Even if I got rejected, I thought that would be better than walking away feeling like a complete ***** for not approaching her.

I got out of the shop first and just waited for her to come out then went in and approached. Definitely felt quite nervous. As the conversation went on, I started feeling more confident but still far from my smoothest. 

Although my approach wasn't terribly strong and her response wasn't overly enthusiastic either, I thought I may as well try to get her contact details. I asked if she'd want to get a drink sometime and unsurprisingly she said she had a boyfriend but thanked me anyway.

A pretty **** approach honestly but still glad I did it instead of just making an excuse not to approach like I normally would. 

Later that day, I went on a boat party with my housemate and a group of girls she knew. 

This was actually a very good location/environment for meeting girls. I had a few drinks before and on the boat, which gave me a bit of extra confidence. 

During the first hour, I spoke to the group of girls that my housemate knew. Most of them didn't look like my type but there was one of them who I thought was really cute. We made eye contact a few times early on and she seemed to be looking over towards me a bit so I thought that was a good sign. 

As the boat party went on, I was able to speak to her a few times. I really wanted to get her contact details before the end of the party so just as it was finishing up, I found her, talked a bit more and then asked for her Instagram. I was pretty happy with that, I'll try to meet up with her again soon. 

The second hour of the boat party, everyone was more relaxed (and more drunk too) so it was quite easy to start approaching other groups. My housemate came with me to help, which was definitely an advantage. As the event went on, I became more comfortable and confident. 

Really should have done more approaches earlier on, I left it a bit late. My best interaction was with a girl who was a bit older than me. By this point I had really warmed up and it was a lot easier talking. She seemed to be investing in the interaction by asking me questions, which was a good sign so I suggested to her that we get a drink sometime. She said that would be good and I got her number. 

Good to get some numbers from in person approaching again. But still a lot of room for improvement with in person approaching. Just not sure whether it's worth actively working on it like I used to or focusing my attention on online dating, where I tend to be much more effective.

 

[bender22]

Need to make some changes to my approach to all of this. I want to have more time to work on a side project of mine, which I've badly neglected in the past 6 months because online dating has been a bigger focus.

Also the idea of a long term relationship is becoming a lot more appealing. Yes there are advantages to the casual dating I've been doing over the last few years but now I'd like something more.

1. Stop wasting time on girls I'm not that attracted to - A lot of the girls I have talked to and been on dates with in the last few years, I honestly wasn't even very attracted to. But at times, I felt like I didn't have many other options so I kept talking to them anyway. Also I felt like I wanted to get more practice talking to girls on Tinder and going on dates. 

But I'm getting more and better quality matches on online dating now than I ever have really. There's no need for me to spend my time talking to and going on dates with girls who I'm not very attracted to. Better to spend my time on other things.

2. Focus more on long term relationship material - I'm probably not going to pass up the opportunity to go on a date or hook up with an attractive girl even if I don't think there's any potential for a long term relationship. But I shouldn't dedicate too much of my time and energy to these ones. 

3. Evening beach with wine dates - I've done drinks at the bar as my standard first date for so long. It's good but the more I think about it - splitting a bottle of wine with a girl at the beach is even better. There's less distractions, it's more intimate, there's usually not many other people around if you go after dark, much easier to escalate. And I don't live far from the beach so I should make the most of that. 

4. Cut off dating materials - for a long time, I've consumed a lot of dating content from dating and pick up coaches on youtube. I've probably learned some good things from this content. But I feel like a lot of the content is misguided and I'm better off figuring things out myself rather than trying to learn more from these dating 'experts.' 

It's also largely focused on short term dating/hookups, which I'd prefer to move away from.

5. Stop worrying so much about numbers - Ever since I've been working on my dating life, I've had an unhealthy obsession with my numbers - how many girls I've had *** with, how many dates I've been on in the last month, how many girls I've kissed, how many matches I have on tinder.... 

This is probably because it's something I have been insecure about in the past, when these numbers weren't very high. I knew that a lot of guys had kissed more girls than me, had *** with more girls than me... And it really bothered me. As I started getting more results with dating, it made me feel good knowing that these numbers were going up. 

Even recently, I'll have thoughts like 'in 2020 I had *** with X number of girls and I have to beat that in 2021..' Which is really dumb and something I should be able to stop but doesn't seem to be so easy. 

6. More focus on personality development - 

Still torn on whether I should be going out and approaching girls IRL. Right now, I'm getting plenty of leads from Tinder and Hinge and I can barely keep up with those ones. I'm using tinder platinum at the moment which seems to be paying off. 

If I were going out on Friday/Saturday nights, maybe I'd find some girls who I wouldn't on dating apps. But I also waste an awful lot of time everytime I go out. And that time would probably be better spent working on my leads from online dating.

 

[bender22]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Had three dates within the last week.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Two of them I went to the beach with in the evening and shared a bottle of wine. The other one, I went to a bar with.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Wine on the beach seems to be a good option for dates. It's nice and quiet so it's easy to talk to the girl, without having to compete with loud music, other people talking etc. It's a bit more intimate, you can sit closer to each other. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I think I'm becoming much more aware of the things I do or don't like in a girl, when I go on these dates recently.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]From these three dates, the first girl was easy to carry the conversation with which was good. But her personality was probably a bit too outgoing for me. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The second girl was a lot less outgoing, much more conservative type of girl. In many ways, I think this type of personality is easier for me to connect with because I'm not a terribly outgoing person myself. I'd say this second girl would be much more relationship material for me than the first girl. But I did feel like this girl would maybe just be a bit too bland. She spent a lot of time asking me very interview style questions, rather than just letting the conversation flow naturally. Possibly she may have just been a little nervous and she would open up more once you get to know her. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]The third girl fell somewhere in the middle between the first two. She was definitely less outgoing than the first girl. But she was a more outgoing and open than the second girl, which was good. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Out of the three girls, I felt the most attraction to this third girl. I think a big part of this was that there was just more natural chemistry between us than the other two. She also had a more feminine vibe than the first two girls, which I really like and is hard to find in Australia. This girl was Brazilian, which probably explains why she had more feminine vibe than the other two girls who were both Australian. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Things I did well on the dates[/font]

• Slowed down my speech on dates 2 & 3. I think sometimes I talk a bit fast on dates, which probably makes me sound a bit nervous/uncomfortable
• Kissed dates 2 & 3. I've been on a lot of dates recently where I haven't even kissed the girl, which I think is generally a huge mistake. I feel like if the girl likes the guy she's on a date with then she's probably hoping he will at least kiss her (correct me if I'm wrong, any girls reading this). If the guy doesn't go for a kiss then I imagine she probably either thinks he's a bit weak or not interested in her. 
• Humor - I think I did a good job of injecting humor into each of the dates

 

[Just Games]

OmG Bender when you going to settle down, you've shagged more girls than I've had hot dinners :club:

 

[bender22]

OmG Bender when you going to settle down, you've shagged more girls than I've had hot dinners :club:

Hahaha not yet 

 

[bender22]

Haven't been on many dates recently. Besides hanging out with the regular girl I've been seeing. 

Last night was the only first date I've had in the last few weeks. Wasn't my best date. The girl actually said to me at the end of the date that she didn't feel any connection. I've never had a girl say that to me on the date before. It did sting a little but it was probably true anyway. Me and her were two very different people. 

Yesterday, I was reviewing my recent conversations on Tinder and Hinge. And it made me realise, I have not been very efficient with online dating in the past few months. I've been making a lot of mistakes. The good news is now that I've identified these mistakes, they can be easily fixed, many of them. 

Out of my last 60 hinge conversations, I only ended up meeting 3 of them. This is partly because I match with so many girls from a nearby city and it's difficult to meet them. But it's also partly because of mistakes I've been making.

From those 60...

11 of them, I stopped replying
9 of them didn't reply to my first message
5 of them nobody started the conversation
28 of them the girl stopped replying

From those 28 where the girl stopped replying, some of them probably could gave recovered if I just sent the girl another message. It's easy to forget to reply to messages on these apps (I do it myself sometimes). Often times when I have double texted a girl to try recover a dead convo, she will quickly reply and say she just forgot to respond before.

With Hinge particularly, it's easy to miss messages amongst all the other notifications and messages. I think it would probably be wise to try to get my matches off Hinge and on to Instagram messages or text fairly early on if possible so I'm not competing against all of the other noise on Hinge. 

When reviewing my conversations that didn't lead anywhere, I also realised that I need to get to the point a lot faster. The longer you keep carrying the conversation, the more likely the girl will get bored or distracted. 

Other things I'm working on...

Fashion - a few years ago I started spending a lot of time closely studying mens fashion so I could improve my own style. It helped a lot and made me aware of things that I'd never even considered when it comes to fashion before.

But since then, I haven't really thought much about it again. I'm still aware of some of what I learned a few years ago. But there's a lot of small things I forgot about. So in the past few weeks I've really started studying mens fashion again and looking for new tips I can apply. 

I'm really working to create a style that is more expressive of my personality and will attract the type of girls I'm interested in.

Getting clearer on the type of girl I want - I've talked about this before in this thread. I definitely have a much better idea of what I want in a woman now than I did in the past. But I'm really trying to get super clear and focused on exactly what I want and don't want.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Suuuper impressed you still keep going and keep trying until now, documenting your learnings and reflections and try to make improvements.

OmG Bender when you going to settle down, you've shagged more girls than I've had hot dinners :club:

Lmao

 

[bender22]

Quick update

I haven't been going on so many dates or going out to meet girls much in the past month. Instead I have been more focused on self improvement and learning.

There are a lot of courses and programs or coaching around on dating, relationships, pick up, self improvement, etc.. But honestly I don't trust most of them. I'm sure there are some very good ones around that I could benefit a lot from but I feel that most are a waste of time and money. I work in marketing myself, so I know how easy it can be to hype up a product and make it sound much better than it really is. 

But at the same time, I feel like going through a course or program could really benefit me. I really want to be able to find a long term relationship with an amazing girl and I want to give myself the best chance of finding that. 

So I decided to create my own 9 week program, designed specifically for myself. I made a list of 9 things I need to work on to improve my chances of finding my ideal girl and just improving my social/dating skills in general. And then I split them up into a 9 week curriculum, with different things to study and work on each day.

It's definitely been incredibly worthwhile doing this so far. I'm sure I've got more out of this program that I've created myself than what I'd get out of most of the courses and programs that are sold by gurus online.

Right now, I'm just starting on week 4. In week 1, the focus was fashion and grooming. I went deep into mens fashion and got some great inspiration for ways to improve my appearance. 

In week 2, I focused on getting clear on what I want. This involved a lot of deep thought about what I want in a girl, what I want in a relationship. Going through these exercises actually made me really excited and motivated to find the type of girl I really want. 

During week 2, I also went into beliefs. If I'm going to find the type of girl I really want, I need to believe that a. I can find her and b. I'm the best option for her. I think I still have a lot of self doubt in my mind, which probably comes from my younger years when I was so bad with girls. But now I'm actively working to recognise any of these limiting beliefs and overcome them. 

My topic for week 3 was psychology. Particularly female psychology - understanding what women really want, what my ideal woman would be attracted to. Psychology is one of my favourite topics to study, I'm pretty interested in how the human mind works. Going through this week, I figured out a lot of things I could be doing better on dates especially to create more attraction. 

For week 4, I'm studying vocal tonality. I feel this is a weaker area for me and something I could improve a lot. There is so much that is subconsciously communicated through a persons tone and the way they speak. 

I feel like this 9 week program is just what I needed right now. It's the perfect thing to kick me into action and as I go through it, I'm just having so many big realizations and great ideas. I can feel myself on an upward spiral which is really exciting. 

Got a date from Tinder this Wednesday. Excited to go on that date and apply some of the things I've learned in the last few weeks.

 

[bender22]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Guys reading this, let me help you meet more women from online dating..[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]No, I am NOT selling a course or coaching or anything like that and I never will. I want to help someone with their online dating for free.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Why am I offering this? Mostly for selfish reasons, one of the best ways to learn is to teach. I want to get as good as possible at online dating and I figure this would help me. It would also be cool to help someone else get really good results.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Why listen to me? I have spent hundreds of hours studying online dating..what works and what doesn't. And I've got pretty good at it. I have a very good understanding of what works in your bio, what photos to use, what messages to send, etc..[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]If you want to do this, I'll help you optimise your profiles including photos, bio, prompts (for apps like Hinge/Bumble). I can go through messaging with you and tell you how to improve it.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]We can do it in a way you're comfortable with. If you want to get on a zoom call, we can do that. If you'd prefer to do it through email/messages, that's fine.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Now I know that most people on this forum prefer to complain about their situation rather than actually doing something to improve it. So I'm not expecting anyone to take me up on this offer.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]But if you have any desire to meet more women in your life, then I really encourage you to take me up on this. What do you have to lose? [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Even if you're not a member on these forums and you just browse in here. Create an account and send me a message.[/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Send me a private message now if you want this. [/font]

[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]And once again, this is absolutely free. I will never try to sell you on anything. I have absolutely no interest in creating a dating business.[/font]

 

[Xpendable]

If you had hundreds of hours you would know about the abysmal chances of getting your profile noticed, even by being average.

 

[Just Games]

I think Bender should settle down with a woman he's had enough chances :club:.I think he's too fussy 

 

[bender22]

If you had hundreds of hours you would know about the abysmal chances of getting your profile noticed, even by being average.

I know plenty of 'average' guys who still manage to get dates from online dating. But if you have a terrible profile then yes, your chances of being noticed are very low.

 

[Just Games]

I think Bender should settle down with a woman he's had enough chances :club:.I think he's too fussy 

0k Bender I'm going to elaborate on my opinion on this.It's going to be long winded and the view of a dinosaur in the dating game but I want to put it anyway. I can't be arsed at the moment  because I got to work but one of my main points is that if you're average or above you lot have it way to easy to find a mate.All you have to do is swipe..message and bingo there's a good chance your off on a date.My point is my generation had to do the work /effort of approaching and going through rejections before finding the one ,that although for me,the wife, was not my ideal woman in looks and personality something clicked personality wise and her quirkiness was new to me and refreshing so I kept with it and now we laugh more than ever 33 years later and I'd never ever ,ever risk that.I see it in my son he won't put in the work he let's them come to him even though he doesn't use dating apps.I came here because of losing pretty much all my social life in one go so ended up really lonely with kids and a ships in the night relationship,a real Billy no mates but I just got this itch to put my opinion across.

 

[Just Games]

Ok on reflection I apologise to Bender who obviously puts tons of effort into finding a mate I'm not gonna pollute his thread anymore.Much like everyone does everything on line,its there it won't go away it is the future of dating and I realise that.

It was fathers day today,I had a great afternoon out with the wife and kids.As I was driving back through a large park in the distance I could see a large group of 30's doing something with ropes .It was some form of group exercise activity.As we drove past them one of them was wrapping up the ropes and the rest all seven off them were checking their phones,I found it comical no one else in the car thought anything of it.

But when I sit opposite five short/tall fat ,all ugly ,one very ugly a face only his mother could love, balding 50 year olds(alright they had hair in their twenties) at my games night and one tall handsome geezer who hardly ever speaks I wonder how they all have long term partners and actually managed to go out with them and I've met all of their partners but one.I suppose it was installed in us to stick it out even though we,'ve all had tough times aswell as good.It was a time when pubs,clubs and work were where you met your partners now its over.I left my phone at home today ,I really recommend it

 

[Xpendable]

If you had hundreds of hours you would know about the abysmal chances of getting your profile noticed, even by being average.

I know plenty of 'average' guys who still manage to get dates from online dating. But if you have a terrible profile then yes, your chances of being noticed are very low.

"Profile" is a misnomer, they see the pics, but no one cares about what's written on the profile.

 

[bender22]

Ok on reflection I apologise to Bender who obviously puts tons of effort into finding a mate I'm not gonna pollute his thread anymore.Much like everyone does everything on line,its there it won't go away it is the future of dating and I realise that.

It was fathers day today,I had a great afternoon out with the wife and kids.As I was driving back through a large park in the distance I could see a large group of 30's doing something with ropes .It was some form of group exercise activity.As we drove past them one of them was wrapping up the ropes and the rest all seven off them were checking their phones,I found it comical no one else in the car thought anything of it.

But when I sit opposite five short/tall fat ,all ugly ,one very ugly a face only his mother could love, balding 50 year olds(alright they had hair in their twenties) at my games night and one tall handsome geezer who hardly ever speaks I wonder how they all have long term partners and actually managed to go out with them and I've met all of their partners but one.I suppose it was installed in us to stick it out even though we,'ve all had tough times aswell as good.It was a time when pubs,clubs and work were where you met your partners now its over.I left my phone at home today ,I really recommend it

I completely agree that guys shouldn't just rely on online dating. I've always said that. Definitely important to get out and meet women in real life as well. 

In fact up until the last year or so when covid hit, real life was my main mode of meeting women. Which I documented in detail towards the beginning on this thread and my previous one.

If you had hundreds of hours you would know about the abysmal chances of getting your profile noticed, even by being average.

I know plenty of 'average' guys who still manage to get dates from online dating. But if you have a terrible profile then yes, your chances of being noticed are very low.

"Profile" is a misnomer, they see the pics, but no one cares about what's written on the profile.

When I say 'profile' I mean pics included. So many guys whinging that they can't get any matches on dating apps and they have terrible pictures. Find a good photographer, get some good clothes, present good body language in your photos and you're going to get more matches.

......

Speaking of meeting women in real life, I went out last night for the first time in a while. I went together with my housemate and her friend. 

I had quite a few drinks which made it a lot easier to talk to girls. Think I really would have struggled to approach anyone without the alcohol, considering it's been pretty long since I properly went out.

First approach was a girl at the bar. I treated it completely as a warm up, which really helped me to get started. That one actually went fairly well for my first approach, although it was only short. 

Second approach was a girl sitting by herself. I started out pretty well, had her laughing and responding really well. But then I just didn't really know where to take it from there. Still good for my second approach.

After that we went to another bar and the alcohol started kicking in so my memory of the rest of the night is not quite as clear. 

I definitely talked to quite a few girls during the night. It helped having two girls with me as well. 

One of the girls I met later in the night, I came very close to making out with. I think she probably would have liked to but didn't want to in front of her friends. I should have just moved her away from her friends to get a drink or something and it probably could have worked.

It was good to go out again and get some more approaches under my belt. Just didn't really like getting drunk. And it probably wasn't the best choice of venues we went to, I barely saw one girl who was really my type.

 

[bender22]

Besides one date last weekend, I haven't been spending much time on dating apps or going on dates in the past few weeks. Instead, I've been doing a lot of internal, introspection work. And it really has been amazing. It's all part of the 9 week challenge I mentioned a few posts back that I created for myself. I'm now coming into week 9.

My mind has been working on a completely different level. I don't want to sound cliché but I do feel like a pretty different person to what I did 9 weeks ago. Just making huge progress, getting closer to the person I want to be.

Last weekend I spent a day figuring out long term life goals. I've always been fairly driven and given some thought to future goals. But I've never really taken the time to think deeply about what I want in my future and put these thoughts on paper. 

In the past week I've been studying how our own self image drives our behaviour and the results we get in life. I've been trying to identify my own self image and what beliefs are holding me back from getting the results I want. 

In other areas of my life, it seems like I can make progress fairly effortlessly. I have no problems with money, I'm extremely good with my job and keep getting better, I have no issues with maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

But social life and relationships continues to be a struggle for me despite all the effort I put in. So I'm trying to figure out what beliefs I have that stop me from getting the results I want in this part of my life.

I came up with my own exercise to try to identify limiting, deep beliefs that hold be back. I wrote down various different situations where I don't act in the way I'd like to. For example, when I go on a date with a girl and I don't kiss her even though I want to and I know I should.

Then I started going through these scenarios and asking 'why didn't I act in the way I wanted to?' Then continuing to ask 'why' until I got to the core reason.

For example, 'why didn't I kiss that girl on our date?'

Because it might make things uncomfortable.

Why would it make things uncomfortable?

Because she may not expect it.

Why wouldn't she expect it?

Because I hadn't shown much sexual intent earlier in the date.

Why didn't I show more sexual intent earlier in the date.

And so on.... until I got to the core reasons.

The conclusion I ended up arriving at on that one is that I don't see myself as a physically affectionate person because I never saw my parents show much physical affection to each other. So I built an identity around that.

And you can see all the ways that has manifested in my adult life. I rarely touch people, unless I'm shaking hands or giving someone a hug. I never liked holding hands in public with my ex or other girls I've dated. I'm always afraid to kiss girls on dates. I feel uncomfortable hugging my own parents when I see them. And I think it extends to other forms of affection such as giving compliments, which I struggle with.

It was an incredibly revealing exercise. I don't think I've ever really made that connection between my own discomfort in showing physical affection and my parent's lack of physical affection that I witnessed as a child. But now that I think about it, it does make so much sense. 

I haven't completely finished this exercise yet, so it will be interesting to see what else I discover about my internal programming and how childhood experience has shaped my behaviours as an adult. 

It also makes more sense now why I am successful in other parts of my life but have had struggles with relationships. My parents never had any real trouble with money, no issues with health. But they did have some relationship problems. 

I highly recommend trying that same exercise if you've never really taken the time to examine your own internal beliefs and identity. 

As I discover these issues in my self image and beliefs, I'm trying to figure out ways to change that. I always used to think things like affirmations and visualisations were woo woo BS. But the more I learn about this and understand how the mind works, the more I am seeing those two things as effective tools. I'm already starting to use them.

 

[bender22]

Been a while since my last update in here...

Not a lot to report in terms of dating. I haven't been spending a lot of time on the dating apps. I haven't been going out and I haven't been on many dates recently.

There's still a girl who I've mentioned in here previously that I'm still hanging out with but that's just a casual thing. And I also fulfilled a long time fantasy of mine to get with an older woman lol. Which was a few weeks ago with a women I met through bumble. It wasn't really as exciting as I thought it would be haha.

But I have been busy doing a lot of work on myself, as well as work in general.

I would like to start meeting more girls again and going on more dates but it's honestly hard to find the motivation for it. The time of women that I'd like to pursue a long term relationship with just seem to be incredibly rare around here. And the idea of hooking up with girls who I don't see any long term potential with just doesn't appeal to me like it used to.

I know there has to be some out there who are more suitable for something serious. It's just finding them which is proving to be the challenge. I don't see many when I go out to bars and clubs. I don't see them at the gym I go to. They're definitely not at work. I occasionally see them on dating apps. But the ones I do see on dating apps who have potential - it's not like I'm matching with all of them.

At the beginning of the year I was talking about relocating to another city. But I ended up staying in the same city. Maybe that was a mistake. I do love living here but it's definitely not ideal for dating. Perhaps in 2022, I'll have to look at moving again. 

I still haven't given up on finding someone in this city though. And I realise I haven't really done much to meet potential partners in the last few months. So I need to take a bit more action if I'm to have any chance of meeting someone here.

Tonight I'm going to go out by myself (will be the first time in a long time) and the goal is to just start conversations with 5 strangers. I need to get back in the habit of approaching girls in real life again like I used to do. 

During the week, I'll be attending an event at a gallery near here. I'm this is the type of event that will attract the people I'd actually like to be meeting. The ones that are so difficult to find in this city. Fingers crossed!

And I'm going to start spending more time on the dating apps again than I have been recently. Especially Hinge, which seems to attract more so people who would be more my type.

 

[bender22]

I went through with my goal to go out and speak to 5 people last night. There were no long conversations, no phone numbers exchanged or anything like that. It was just 5 very short interactions. But I was really happy with myself for doing it.

The bar was set really low - all I had to do was say anything and get a response for it to count. Having the bar set so low really helped to take the pressure off and take away most of the excuses not to approach people. 

I've often been reluctant to do this because it feels like it's beneath me. If you go all the way back to my first journal, when I was first learning to build my social skills and approach women, I started by going up and asking people for the time or directions. 

To go back to doing that sort of feels like a big step backwards. If you've read the rest of my journals, you know I've approached hundreds of girls since those early days and had all kinds of crazy interactions. 

When you've had all of those experiences, it's hard to get yourself to go back to the absolute basics of approaching people and asking for directions. But as a naturally introverted person who hasn't been going out and approaching people much in the past 1.5 years, I do need to go back to those basics.

If I go out with the intention of approaching girls directly, trying to stay in the interaction for 5-10+ minutes and trying to get their numbers, I know there will just be too much resistance in my mind. And I'll come up with all sorts of excuses not to do it. Unless I'm drinking or with friends pushing me to do it.

So if I want to start meeting women offline again, I just have to accept that I'm going to have to go back to those basics for a while and not judge myself for it. As I do that more often, I can keep gradually building on it, until I get to the point where I'm more confident staying in longer interactions, going for phone numbers, etc.. 

Online dating seems to be getting worse lately (at least in terms of the quality of women I'm finding on there) so I can't just rely on the dating apps. 

Although they were only short interactions, it gave me more confidence that I can approach. A few of the girls I talked to responded quite positively and I could have easily continued those interactions further. But that's something I can build on next time. I think for a few weeks it would just be good to get in the habit of approaching and ejecting like last night until I'm more comfortable with the approach part. 

It was also a nice confidence booster to notice quite a few girls looking at me in the time I was out. Probably because I haven't been going out much for a while, I was starting to worry that maybe I'm getting older and not as physically attractive to women anymore. But I still seemed to be attracting plenty of looks from girls, even those a lot younger than me. Hopefully that gives me a bit more confidence to approach next time.

 

[bender22]

I really should get back into the practice of regularly updating this journal more often. It's like a form of therapy, getting your thoughts out into words.

I was just looking back over some of my posts in this journal and the previous one. Writing out those posts lead to some fantastic insights. And the practice of updating a public journal like this also helps keep me accountable, knowing that others will read it.

Updates

Online Dating
I haven't been as active on the dating apps recently as I was previously. Although I am starting to dedicate a bit more time to them now. Sadly, the quality of women on the apps seems to be getting worse. I'll swipe through dozens of profiles before I see one who really appeals to me.

I did have a date with a girl from bumble last week that I really enjoyed. Tried to focus more on just bantering with her and having fun on the date, which she responded well to. Sometimes I'm probably a bit too serious on dates (and in general).

I've been talking to that girl since the date and she sounds like she'd like to meet up again, which I'm looking forward to.

There are a few other girls I'm talking to at the moment from the apps that should likely turn into dates within the next few weeks.

Going Out
In my last post, I talked about going out one night and doing some very short approaches just to get back into the habit of approaching people in real life.

Unfortunately I haven't done that again since then even though I know I should. I just struggle to find the motivation to go out and talk to people like I did in the past.

I'll have these spurts of inspiration where I start thinking about going out and talking to girls again. But then I get distracted by other things and the inspiration dissipates. I guess it was easier in the past when I wasn't working a full time job, I had a group of people to go out with and I wasn't really using online dating.

Plans for rest of 2021
At the moment, I'm considering what my priorities should be for the remainder of the year and how I should allocate my time.

If my goal is to really improve my dating life for the remainder of the year, then I have to really focus on it. But that would me de-prioritising other things in my life, like the blog I'm building on the side.

It's the old quote "man who chases two rabbits, catches neither."

In the past, when I have gone through periods of really good results in my dating life, it was because dating was such a major focus for me at that point. I had to sacrifice other areas of my life temporarily to achieve that level of success.

Yes, I'd like to be going on more dates again, meeting new women and hopefully find a long term partner. But I'm also really enjoying hustling away on my blog during my spare time at the moment. It would be a shame to put that on the backburner.

But then I can always come back to it later. The blog will still be there in 2..3...4 months...

What if I really committed to improving my dating life in the next 2-3 months? What could I achieve? How different would my life be? Those are interesting questions to ponder on.

This is exactly why I should update this journal more often...

Just going through the process of writing out these thoughts is making me realize that I should really commit to my dating life again, like I have in the past. Even if it's just for 2-3 months.

I do really want to find a long term partner. And if I just continue to pursue that in a very passive way (as I have in the last 6 or so months) it's probably not going to happen. For those who have read this journal all the way through (including the original one), you would know I got results by really focusing on it and taking action.

I went from a shy, virgin who could never get dates to someone who was able to approach hundreds of girls, get lots of phone numbers, go on lots of dates, get a long term girlfriend, because I committed to that area of my life..

If I want results like that again, I have to really commit.

Thank you ALL forums for giving me the space to publicly reflect and ponder on these things. Just writing this post alone has been valuable to me. And I know this journal helped me a lot in the past as well.

Setting a reminder on my phone to update this journal again next weekend...