AnonymousMe
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I was searching to see where was the best place to post this, but couldn't find anything, so I'll just put it here.
FYI, reddit is not an option for me, either my questions always get downvoted or nobody responds, for the most part.
A little bit if backstory first, a friend of mine from this site suggested on making a collaborative story, just for fun. We didn't plan anything, the story is just discovery writing and each of us would take turns on doing some segments. Like, I would do some paragraphs, he'd do the next, then back to me and so on. I took it half-seriously, because my writing is usually not like you're all about to see, I prefer to plan first, outline, develop, be more detailed, etc. However, I also used it as an opportunity to test my skills and see how I fair, so I did manage to put some effort into it. I still want to ask you all what you think, because if I want to achieve my dream of publishing, at least, one good book, I need to see where I'm at on a scale of 1 to 10. I think I have a problem with telling and not showing, but I wanna see what you all think first. So yeah, if anyone wants to rate and criticize me if I deserve it, feel free to read this:
Title: None
Genre: Post-apocalyptic, Fable, Fantasy
Word count: 591 (Part 1) - 1778 (Parts 1&2)
Type of feedback desired: General impression to my writing
The planet was dead, to begin with, it had become a carcass of its former self, a mere wasteland with little to no hope for things growing ever again, a cursed earth where unimaginable catastrophes happen every moment, a living hell for its surviving residents. It now functioned differently, with new principles meant for destroying just, sustainable, peaceful societies, a basis where the strong could rule over the weak and resist the environment’s lethal, terrible effects which could make any living thing unrecognizable. What would be considered-abominations were now the natural world’s most innate entities. There were illogical, purposeless beings with no meaning to their dismal existence, other than wander their desolate surroundings, to kill and to be killed by whatever that disturbed their intuitions. Then there were logical beings who retained their basic animal instincts or, if they were fortunate, their human logic. They’re the most sufferers, who ransack former settlement ruins for goods, struggle against any hostile that threatened them and bond with whoever they can to rekindle their ever-fainting hope.
Life was no longer the same, camps were now their residences; havens separate from conflicts or perils brought by other distrusting groups or cataclysms. While they didn’t offer a complete sense of security, nevertheless, they were comforting shelters, full of supplies and families that kept the morale of others in check. All aided however they could, most stayed within their territory’s perimeter, safeguarding from any imminent dangers, maintaining their homes or caring for their young. Those few daring enough to venture out were the scavengers, who also explored for new regions to expand and destroy as many monstrous atrocities as possible, along with other members from rival gangs; whenever the opportunity arised steal, kill, rape and betray, a lot wouldn’t dare to not take the chance. However, civility was not completely gone yet, despite considering all areas inhospitable, a great deal of survivors had faith that everything could be rebuild again, starting by forming alliances, friendships and relationships. Such were the thoughts of a young, naïve company.
Within a decaying city, inside an uncharted location from a crumbling building, was that band of inexperienced explorers in their very first expedition, they took it as a silly competition to see who was the “bravest, most fit” to be their leader, it was an opportunity for one to prove himself. He stood out among all the living, as he was the only tailless, without fur or scales or feathers, just visible, lightly-tanned skin that didn't protrude out anything hazardous; with hands and feet, instead of talons, hoofs or claws; with a nose and lips, instead of a snout or beak. His hair was straight, pure brown, it didn’t pass his forehead; a petite goatee was his only growing facial hair and his eyes were solid green, noticeable for emitting a slightly faint glow that could only be seen from up-close. Yet, at the same time, he didn’t stand out at all, he was fairly skinny, but not skeletal; was on the starting ages of adulthood; despite measuring nearly six feet, he wasn’t taller than anyone else around him and, at least according to some witnesses, he was not “well-endowed.” He knew all too well he wasn’t strong enough to lift over a thousand pounds or run at eighty-eight kilometers per hour or smell one and a half miles away, but he was still determined in demonstrating his worth. Even though he didn’t know how he would do it, one thing was for certain: he was secretly tired of being ostracized.
After my friend's part was done, (EDIT: which was a group of five, searching for supplies in a destroyed city and entering and abandoned supermarket) I continued. The make things easier, the characters are: 1) Max, a human; 2) Dimitri, an anthropomorphic reptile; 3) Ojo, an anthropomorphic bear; 4) Luna, an anthropomorphic mare and 5) Zoey, an anthropomorphic she-wolf. (EDIT: the first two stay outside and the rest go inside.)
I have to admit, I really lacked on this part, because one tip writers give is to make the reader use all his five senses and not much in regard to the other four. Like I said, I only took it half-seriously, but I am aware I have to more immersive than this:
Expecting the awkward silence between the two, Max stared into the foggy distance, opening and closing his legs repeatedly, resting his hands on his groin, while Dimitri kept minding his business, continuing carving the little wooden piece with his ever-sharp claw. Too early to tell what he’s been creating, much of the piece was still raw and the carved areas didn’t make sense. Giving a quick stare at his scaly friend, Max hoped to receive a similar response, to no avail, Dimitri just carried on, sculping in peace, as if there was nothing to worry about with the doomed world he lived in. Fully aware the raptor would not spark a conversation, Max tried breaking the ice.
“Crazy world we live in, huh?” The question did not raise any interest in Dimitri, yet Max persisted. “If you’ve read old books of how things used to be, you’d learn humans were… pretty shitty. In a way, we deserved this whole calamity. I mean, if I were Mother Nature and saw humans being lazy, hunting down or industrializing animals to enslave them as “pets” or kill them for mass production, I’d be pissed too. So, I guess something good did came out of the catastrophe, humans and animals are now one, it balances things out… I wonder, if it worked out so great for animals, how come it wasn’t the same for plants? True, we can crop them inside, free from all this poison, but still, life would be MUCH easier if they grew outside, I guess it must be part of that balance, otherwise you and many others could have been lazy, like humans were. I’m just spit-balling here though, who knows why all this happened.” Dimitri remained ever silent; eyes fixed only in his creation. “Come on, are you still disappointed of how I’ve been doing so far?” asked Max, after throwing up his arms in the air. “I am trying my best. I know I can’t measure up to anyone, but believe me, I wish I could do more…” Max crossed his arms and legs. “Why was I sent with you guys, it’s as if you’re all trying to humiliate me. Well, you guys aren’t perfect either. I’d like to see you get lost one day, that’ll be the day where you’ll all wish to know how to read a compass, let alone a map. Then again, what are the chances of getting lost in this dump anyway?”
Following the tirade, Dimitri stopped detailing his piece, grabbed it from both ends and, surprisingly, tore it in half. He then inserted the marked part into the right pocket of Max’s pants, causing the human bewilderment, along great curiosity. Taking out the small ornament, assuming it now complete, it was hard to describe, as it didn’t have a cohesive pattern, just a couple empty and protruding spaces, adorned with random curved and straight lines.
“What’s this?” asked Max confusingly.
“Goo…” muttered Dimitri after a momentary silence. “Goo… Goo lack sarn.”
“Goo lack sarn?” repeated Max, trying to make sense of his comrade’s words. “As in, a good luck charm?” Dimitri nodded in agreement and immediately moved on to the remaining piece. Taking a closer look at the charm, Max calmly expressed his gratitude, both then stayed quietly seated in their spots, only listening to the passing wind’s echo.
The market’s front was noticeably dirtier than the rest of the buildings, it wasn’t feasible to see through the filthy windows, which kept hidden the completely disastrous interior. Upon entering, what little could be seen with the barely passable sunlight, revealed an anticipated ugly sight. Disarrayed, decaying boxes of all sizes, placed throughout the floor and stands; rusty, disorganized carts lied in every corner; black mold grew on wall spots and dust particles floated throughout the air. Worse, lingering, rotting trash, scattered through-out the building’s entire floor in abundant amounts, made the emitting foul smell unavoidable and cockroaches roamed about, proving again they’re the ultimate survivors.
“Are we seriously looking forward to finding stuff here?” asked Ojo, “If I remember correctly, premises like these were among the first to be raided, correct?”
“Yes, alongside the gun shops,” replied Zoey.
“Guns are easier to find though, save for the bullets, those are a real *****… Should we even bother searching?”
Disregarding Ojo’s complaints, Zoey advanced into the darkness. “Our chances here are no different from anywhere else, we might as well check.” Left with no other choice, he followed in her footsteps, grumbling to himself. Before going, however, he noticed Luna staying behind.
“Aren’t you coming?” asked Ojo.
“Yes, just… gimme a moment to get used to the dark.”
As the two walked away from the grimy entrance, they foraged for anything consumable, excluding the insects, from which kept their distance. Going from box to box, from stand to stand, nothing valuable came across, as they delved deeper into the store. The unnerving silence kept them in their toes, while the limited visibility caused no issues for the pair, none could predict where danger resided, none could perceive on which corner lurked death. Nevertheless, scavengers knew it was part of the job, accepting every moment could be their last. After proceeding through the corridors in vain, they had only the back room left to explore.
Ojo coughed. “Goddamn, it’s getting quite dusty in here,” remarked the bear, putting on a bandana mask to cover his snout, convincing the girls to do the same. “This room better be worth it, otherwise I’ll never rummage ever again”
“Ha, and what will you do then?” taunted Zoey as she looked around. “Be a camp lookout? A fisher? A babysitter? Any of those deeds will bore you to death.”
“At least I’ll be doing SOMETHING,” explained Ojo, raising his voice tone. “And it’s better to be death inside than outside. Maybe I should go hunt down monsters instead?”
“If you’re going on a suicide mission, you might as well take Max. You should use him as bait, he is better off as waste to the earth than having him as a friend.”
“Zoey!” rebuked a shocked Luna, as the she-wolf chuckled at her own tasteless joke. “Zoey, don’t say stuff like that. Max is no different from us, we just need to have more faith in him. You’ll see he’ll come through.” Suddenly, both girls jumped in their spots, noticing Ojo tearing up a cardboard box effortlessly.
“Care to warn us next time, big guy?” remarked Luna, but Ojo stayed still, staring at the small destruction he’s caused. Curious, Zoey approached, glimpsing at a much-rejoiced grin, she learned the cause of his odd behavior, a discovery that eased his whole being.
Zoey grabbed a food can, showing it to Luna. “Meat. Seems the room was worth it.”
Unable to control herself, Luna bounced excitedly and jolly, grateful of the finding. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes! There’s a lot of it too. We should take every single one, there’s more than enough here fo-“
“Shh!” interrupted Zoey. “Did anybody hear that?” Unsure of what she referred to; the group stayed immobile, attentive of the surrounding, eerie blackness.
FYI, reddit is not an option for me, either my questions always get downvoted or nobody responds, for the most part.
A little bit if backstory first, a friend of mine from this site suggested on making a collaborative story, just for fun. We didn't plan anything, the story is just discovery writing and each of us would take turns on doing some segments. Like, I would do some paragraphs, he'd do the next, then back to me and so on. I took it half-seriously, because my writing is usually not like you're all about to see, I prefer to plan first, outline, develop, be more detailed, etc. However, I also used it as an opportunity to test my skills and see how I fair, so I did manage to put some effort into it. I still want to ask you all what you think, because if I want to achieve my dream of publishing, at least, one good book, I need to see where I'm at on a scale of 1 to 10. I think I have a problem with telling and not showing, but I wanna see what you all think first. So yeah, if anyone wants to rate and criticize me if I deserve it, feel free to read this:
Title: None
Genre: Post-apocalyptic, Fable, Fantasy
Word count: 591 (Part 1) - 1778 (Parts 1&2)
Type of feedback desired: General impression to my writing
The planet was dead, to begin with, it had become a carcass of its former self, a mere wasteland with little to no hope for things growing ever again, a cursed earth where unimaginable catastrophes happen every moment, a living hell for its surviving residents. It now functioned differently, with new principles meant for destroying just, sustainable, peaceful societies, a basis where the strong could rule over the weak and resist the environment’s lethal, terrible effects which could make any living thing unrecognizable. What would be considered-abominations were now the natural world’s most innate entities. There were illogical, purposeless beings with no meaning to their dismal existence, other than wander their desolate surroundings, to kill and to be killed by whatever that disturbed their intuitions. Then there were logical beings who retained their basic animal instincts or, if they were fortunate, their human logic. They’re the most sufferers, who ransack former settlement ruins for goods, struggle against any hostile that threatened them and bond with whoever they can to rekindle their ever-fainting hope.
Life was no longer the same, camps were now their residences; havens separate from conflicts or perils brought by other distrusting groups or cataclysms. While they didn’t offer a complete sense of security, nevertheless, they were comforting shelters, full of supplies and families that kept the morale of others in check. All aided however they could, most stayed within their territory’s perimeter, safeguarding from any imminent dangers, maintaining their homes or caring for their young. Those few daring enough to venture out were the scavengers, who also explored for new regions to expand and destroy as many monstrous atrocities as possible, along with other members from rival gangs; whenever the opportunity arised steal, kill, rape and betray, a lot wouldn’t dare to not take the chance. However, civility was not completely gone yet, despite considering all areas inhospitable, a great deal of survivors had faith that everything could be rebuild again, starting by forming alliances, friendships and relationships. Such were the thoughts of a young, naïve company.
Within a decaying city, inside an uncharted location from a crumbling building, was that band of inexperienced explorers in their very first expedition, they took it as a silly competition to see who was the “bravest, most fit” to be their leader, it was an opportunity for one to prove himself. He stood out among all the living, as he was the only tailless, without fur or scales or feathers, just visible, lightly-tanned skin that didn't protrude out anything hazardous; with hands and feet, instead of talons, hoofs or claws; with a nose and lips, instead of a snout or beak. His hair was straight, pure brown, it didn’t pass his forehead; a petite goatee was his only growing facial hair and his eyes were solid green, noticeable for emitting a slightly faint glow that could only be seen from up-close. Yet, at the same time, he didn’t stand out at all, he was fairly skinny, but not skeletal; was on the starting ages of adulthood; despite measuring nearly six feet, he wasn’t taller than anyone else around him and, at least according to some witnesses, he was not “well-endowed.” He knew all too well he wasn’t strong enough to lift over a thousand pounds or run at eighty-eight kilometers per hour or smell one and a half miles away, but he was still determined in demonstrating his worth. Even though he didn’t know how he would do it, one thing was for certain: he was secretly tired of being ostracized.
After my friend's part was done, (EDIT: which was a group of five, searching for supplies in a destroyed city and entering and abandoned supermarket) I continued. The make things easier, the characters are: 1) Max, a human; 2) Dimitri, an anthropomorphic reptile; 3) Ojo, an anthropomorphic bear; 4) Luna, an anthropomorphic mare and 5) Zoey, an anthropomorphic she-wolf. (EDIT: the first two stay outside and the rest go inside.)
I have to admit, I really lacked on this part, because one tip writers give is to make the reader use all his five senses and not much in regard to the other four. Like I said, I only took it half-seriously, but I am aware I have to more immersive than this:
Expecting the awkward silence between the two, Max stared into the foggy distance, opening and closing his legs repeatedly, resting his hands on his groin, while Dimitri kept minding his business, continuing carving the little wooden piece with his ever-sharp claw. Too early to tell what he’s been creating, much of the piece was still raw and the carved areas didn’t make sense. Giving a quick stare at his scaly friend, Max hoped to receive a similar response, to no avail, Dimitri just carried on, sculping in peace, as if there was nothing to worry about with the doomed world he lived in. Fully aware the raptor would not spark a conversation, Max tried breaking the ice.
“Crazy world we live in, huh?” The question did not raise any interest in Dimitri, yet Max persisted. “If you’ve read old books of how things used to be, you’d learn humans were… pretty shitty. In a way, we deserved this whole calamity. I mean, if I were Mother Nature and saw humans being lazy, hunting down or industrializing animals to enslave them as “pets” or kill them for mass production, I’d be pissed too. So, I guess something good did came out of the catastrophe, humans and animals are now one, it balances things out… I wonder, if it worked out so great for animals, how come it wasn’t the same for plants? True, we can crop them inside, free from all this poison, but still, life would be MUCH easier if they grew outside, I guess it must be part of that balance, otherwise you and many others could have been lazy, like humans were. I’m just spit-balling here though, who knows why all this happened.” Dimitri remained ever silent; eyes fixed only in his creation. “Come on, are you still disappointed of how I’ve been doing so far?” asked Max, after throwing up his arms in the air. “I am trying my best. I know I can’t measure up to anyone, but believe me, I wish I could do more…” Max crossed his arms and legs. “Why was I sent with you guys, it’s as if you’re all trying to humiliate me. Well, you guys aren’t perfect either. I’d like to see you get lost one day, that’ll be the day where you’ll all wish to know how to read a compass, let alone a map. Then again, what are the chances of getting lost in this dump anyway?”
Following the tirade, Dimitri stopped detailing his piece, grabbed it from both ends and, surprisingly, tore it in half. He then inserted the marked part into the right pocket of Max’s pants, causing the human bewilderment, along great curiosity. Taking out the small ornament, assuming it now complete, it was hard to describe, as it didn’t have a cohesive pattern, just a couple empty and protruding spaces, adorned with random curved and straight lines.
“What’s this?” asked Max confusingly.
“Goo…” muttered Dimitri after a momentary silence. “Goo… Goo lack sarn.”
“Goo lack sarn?” repeated Max, trying to make sense of his comrade’s words. “As in, a good luck charm?” Dimitri nodded in agreement and immediately moved on to the remaining piece. Taking a closer look at the charm, Max calmly expressed his gratitude, both then stayed quietly seated in their spots, only listening to the passing wind’s echo.
The market’s front was noticeably dirtier than the rest of the buildings, it wasn’t feasible to see through the filthy windows, which kept hidden the completely disastrous interior. Upon entering, what little could be seen with the barely passable sunlight, revealed an anticipated ugly sight. Disarrayed, decaying boxes of all sizes, placed throughout the floor and stands; rusty, disorganized carts lied in every corner; black mold grew on wall spots and dust particles floated throughout the air. Worse, lingering, rotting trash, scattered through-out the building’s entire floor in abundant amounts, made the emitting foul smell unavoidable and cockroaches roamed about, proving again they’re the ultimate survivors.
“Are we seriously looking forward to finding stuff here?” asked Ojo, “If I remember correctly, premises like these were among the first to be raided, correct?”
“Yes, alongside the gun shops,” replied Zoey.
“Guns are easier to find though, save for the bullets, those are a real *****… Should we even bother searching?”
Disregarding Ojo’s complaints, Zoey advanced into the darkness. “Our chances here are no different from anywhere else, we might as well check.” Left with no other choice, he followed in her footsteps, grumbling to himself. Before going, however, he noticed Luna staying behind.
“Aren’t you coming?” asked Ojo.
“Yes, just… gimme a moment to get used to the dark.”
As the two walked away from the grimy entrance, they foraged for anything consumable, excluding the insects, from which kept their distance. Going from box to box, from stand to stand, nothing valuable came across, as they delved deeper into the store. The unnerving silence kept them in their toes, while the limited visibility caused no issues for the pair, none could predict where danger resided, none could perceive on which corner lurked death. Nevertheless, scavengers knew it was part of the job, accepting every moment could be their last. After proceeding through the corridors in vain, they had only the back room left to explore.
Ojo coughed. “Goddamn, it’s getting quite dusty in here,” remarked the bear, putting on a bandana mask to cover his snout, convincing the girls to do the same. “This room better be worth it, otherwise I’ll never rummage ever again”
“Ha, and what will you do then?” taunted Zoey as she looked around. “Be a camp lookout? A fisher? A babysitter? Any of those deeds will bore you to death.”
“At least I’ll be doing SOMETHING,” explained Ojo, raising his voice tone. “And it’s better to be death inside than outside. Maybe I should go hunt down monsters instead?”
“If you’re going on a suicide mission, you might as well take Max. You should use him as bait, he is better off as waste to the earth than having him as a friend.”
“Zoey!” rebuked a shocked Luna, as the she-wolf chuckled at her own tasteless joke. “Zoey, don’t say stuff like that. Max is no different from us, we just need to have more faith in him. You’ll see he’ll come through.” Suddenly, both girls jumped in their spots, noticing Ojo tearing up a cardboard box effortlessly.
“Care to warn us next time, big guy?” remarked Luna, but Ojo stayed still, staring at the small destruction he’s caused. Curious, Zoey approached, glimpsing at a much-rejoiced grin, she learned the cause of his odd behavior, a discovery that eased his whole being.
Zoey grabbed a food can, showing it to Luna. “Meat. Seems the room was worth it.”
Unable to control herself, Luna bounced excitedly and jolly, grateful of the finding. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes! There’s a lot of it too. We should take every single one, there’s more than enough here fo-“
“Shh!” interrupted Zoey. “Did anybody hear that?” Unsure of what she referred to; the group stayed immobile, attentive of the surrounding, eerie blackness.
.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
