Choosing to stay in an unhappy relationship

[Revengineer]

I have a friend at another school who's stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with her boyfriend. They get into nasty fights over petty things almost every single day (even several times directly in front of me when I visited). They blame each other for everything, aren't emotionally supportive, and are constantly miserable. By all logic they have no reason to be dating each other, and yet they've been together for over a year.

Theres also the predictable pattern of their "breakups". Yesterday she ended the relationship "for good" for the fourth or fifth time (it's always her initiating the breakup). I won't be surprised anymore if in a few days he comes back asking for forgiveness, and she lets him back in like nothing happened. And of course they'll immediately go back to fighting.

I don't get it at all. Are people that afraid of being single that they would rather put up with this mess? Why does this happen?

 

[Edward W]

I knew a girl once who always seemed to have a guy on the side that she flirted with, as well as her boyfriend, I'm convinced she had some hangup about being single so she had another guy in waiting. She was never single that I can remember.

 

[9006]

I know exactly what you mean, there are so many people like this and I still can't understand why.

I think it varies between the guy and girl though, for example, the guy might just hang on to the relationship for sexual gratification and/or until someone else comes along, the girl, on the other hand, could be dependent on a relationship, I think a lot of girls are like this, especially when they've been in a relationship constantly or for a long time.

This is all just speculation, but it just seems the pattern of behaviour these days.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I have a friend like this too. She's been with her boyfriend for a year plus now and they constantly argue and fight and break up and patch up again. But they never want to stop seeing each other. I asked her why, she said it's because that she's never been loved by a guy like her boyfriend and doesn't want to lose him...... despite all the pain and heartache.

It's really difficult. I was once in a relationship like that.. I hung on for god knows what but all I could think of was the fact that I loved him.. and that I'd make things work no matter how hard. If I was an outsider looking into the relationship I had then, I would've thought I was a loon. But then being the one in it.. just felt totally different.

 

[Regumika]

I don't get it at all. Are people that afraid of being single that they would rather put up with this mess? Why does this happen?

That is one of the two reasons. Fear of loneliness, never wanted again, not good enough for someone else.

The second reason is pointed out by ladyforsaken. "I hung on for god knows what but all I could think of was the fact that I loved him.. and that I'd make things work no matter how hard." So love and care, and in turn becomes the 'endurance' through hardship. The same reason why parent(s) raise children despite the fact that they will be 'barely getting by' for the next 20+ years.

 

[Revengineer]

I don't get it at all. Are people that afraid of being single that they would rather put up with this mess? Why does this happen?

That is one of the two reasons. Fear of loneliness, never wanted again, not good enough for someone else.

The second reason is pointed out by ladyforsaken. "I hung on for god knows what but all I could think of was the fact that I loved him.. and that I'd make things work no matter how hard." So love and care, and in turn becomes the 'endurance' through hardship. The same reason why parent(s) raise children despite the fact that they will be 'barely getting by' for the next 20+ years.

Yeah, I see what you're getting at. It's like the same things that make a good relationship endure are also keeping the bad ones alive. The guy especially is devoted to "making it work" and is adamantly opposed to the idea of breaking up (he's pretty religious so sex before marriage is not a factor for him). And my friend is always willing to forgive, almost to a fault. It's sad, it's obvious they'd both be happy with other people but together their personalities just aren't compatible.

This is probably a cultural thing, but I think it's risky to treat dating like marriage. The reason dating exists is to know if you're compatible with somebody for the long term, and to provide an escape route in case things get ugly. I'll just have to hope they'll come to their senses eventually...

 

[Okiedokes]

It could be a number of things like the above posters have stated. Not wanting to be single, or perhaps fighting to make it worth or both. They may be quite attached to each other if they keep coming back despite the arguments, and with that.. it's a matter of them realizing if they keep that up with no attempts to try to change things in the relationship, it won't end up any different.

 

[purplebutterfly]

I don't know the people's situation but if there's fighting there's passion and a lot of make up sex after a furniture throwing session

 

[Mike413]

I don't get it either. Some women who are married and are financially dependent on their husband get stuck in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. People fail to see the warning signs early.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't get it either. Some women who are married and are financially dependent on their husband get stuck in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. People fail to see the warning signs early.

Maybe some do see the warning signs early but just can't get themselves out of it. Or don't want to get themselves out of it.

 

[Revengineer]

Update: they're back together again as of this past weekend. Didn't even last a week apart. Incredible... but I can't say I wasn't expecting it.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't be judging them... I mean, obviously it's hard to let go of your feelings for someone when you've been together for so long. They are also in medical school, and the environment there is notoriously isolating and stressful so it's probably nice to have someone even if you don't get along a lot of the time. At the very least, they have each other as study partners.

If a relationship is happy 60% of the time and miserable the other 40%, does that make it worth it? I honestly can't say since I've never experienced one myself...

 

[Regumika]

Part of me feels like I shouldn't be judging them.

i agree, you shouldnt be judging them. unless of course they are coming to you and complaining about how dysfunctional the relationship is. because then it becomes hypocritical, so you are free to judge if that is the case.

If a relationship is happy 60% of the time and miserable the other 40%, does that make it worth it? I honestly can't say since I've never experienced one myself...

its different for everyone, the ratio that is. just some food for thought:
-do you spend an hour and a half to cook up an amazing meal just to eat and enjoy for 20 min?
-do you spend $100 on something really fun for 1 hour and spend the rest of the day doing nothing?
perhaps the relationship is not happy/sad extremes either. it could very well be 30% happy, 40% so so, 30% bad. who knows.

 

[Revengineer]

i agree, you shouldnt be judging them. unless of course they are coming to you and complaining about how dysfunctional the relationship is. because then it becomes hypocritical, so you are free to judge if that is the case.

They've both gone to me several times to complain about how badly the relationship is going, and how the other person just won't listen. I've offered my support and perspective but in the end it's simply repeating the same things over and over. They aren't committed to making any major changes in their relationship. So be it, but I'm out of useful advice to give them.

 

[Regumika]

Then you can only go along with what each says.. not like they are going to do anything about it. They are still your friend right? just respect their decision.. its all you can do now =s

 

[WishingWell]

I can relate to what you said about being afraid to be single. All my life--from when I was 17 until I turned 46, I went from boyfriend to boyfriend and I was also married. At 46 my ex-/late husband walked out on me, and that was it. I had a very hard time getting over him. It's now 9 years later, and I am still alone. I just recently met an ex-boyfriend again--he found me on FaceBook, but I don't want to get involved in a relationship. I just want to be Friends and hang out with him. He doesn't know what he wants either since he was really burned by his ex-wife. I hope we can keep it at a Friends level. Time will tell.

 

[VanillaCreme]

. . . but in the end it's simply repeating the same things over and over. They aren't committed to making any major changes in their relationship. So be it, but I'm out of useful advice to give them.

You can offer the most useful advice the world has ever heard... But... In the end, it is their choice. It's their relationship. Their troubles. Their issues. Their problems. I understand, if by being friends with each of them, that you may feel the need to lend an ear and a helping hand, but there has to come a point where you throw your hands up at them. I've been in that situation - a multitude of times - where I'm just completely, absolutely done with hearing someone complain about the relationship they're in.

At the end of the day, it's up to them. It's on their shoulders, not yours. So, if you really don't feel like hearing it anymore, you should tell them that, and let it be.