Confused *spoilers child abuse mentioned*

[Ioann]

Thing is. I was 14, in my school uniform, and he was 38 and he raped me. And I had no one to talk to and no information and rape of men or child abuse of men was never heard of. So I thought it was just how gay sex was. It got normalized when I made this penpal, we were both 16 and both had similar things. We discussed how it made your stomach ache, and all the blood and the pain. Thats normal gay sex isn't it?

sorry to be gross

Like, I went to pull my trousers up and I felt moist/damp. I went to wipe and it was all blood and semen. I was shaking (I had been shaking throughout, you can't know how painfull it felt), then I had an urge to pass wind, and all this horrible mixture of semen and blood. Like an afterbirth or something.

Gives me nightmares.

Can't get it out my head. No amount of alcahol helps now. I feel driven to finding a drugs dealer. I know if I go down that road I am never coming back.

No, that is not normal gay sex. It is not my experience of gay sex. Not by a million miles.

It is abusive and disgusting behaviour. I am simply appalled that someone should be treated the way you were, having your innocence taken from you as a child, being treated in a violent and coercive manner, and a frankly criminal manner.

Of course, you were not to know that that is not 'normal gay sex'. Those frankly evil men who did those things to you are to blame.

 

[cumulus.james]

Thing is. I was 14, in my school uniform, and he was 38 and he raped me. And I had no one to talk to and no information and rape of men or child abuse of men was never heard of. So I thought it was just how gay sex was. It got normalized when I made this penpal, we were both 16 and both had similar things. We discussed how it made your stomach ache, and all the blood and the pain. Thats normal gay sex isn't it?

sorry to be gross

Like, I went to pull my trousers up and I felt moist/damp. I went to wipe and it was all blood and semen. I was shaking (I had been shaking throughout, you can't know how painfull it felt), then I had an urge to pass wind, and all this horrible mixture of semen and blood. Like an afterbirth or something.

Gives me nightmares.

Can't get it out my head. No amount of alcahol helps now. I feel driven to finding a drugs dealer. I know if I go down that road I am never coming back.

No, that is not normal gay sex. It is not my experience of gay sex. Not by a million miles.

It is abusive and disgusting behaviour. I am simply appalled that someone should be treated the way you were, having your innocence taken from you as a child, being treated in a violent and coercive manner, and a frankly criminal manner.

Of course, you were not to know that that is not 'normal gay sex'. Those frankly evil men who did those things to you are to blame.

Sucking cocks at 13. Bleeding from painful anal sex at 14. Dropping out of school, alcahol abuse, drugs, no friends, keepoing getting fired from jobs because I could not deal with the normal adult world. Rent boy. Painful sex. Multiple personality and mental disorders. Alcaholic. 34 yr old unemplyed loner.

At some point it became a choice and I deserved it. But I can't identify that point. Imagine not being able to say to someone "I feel sad" for 20 years.

 

[Ioann]

You did not deserve it. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try and get that idea out of your head. It is part of the evil of sexual abuse that it makes the victim feel he/she is the guilty one. You lost your ability to make a free choice because of the circumstances you found yourself in.

You deserve better now than to keep blaming yourself.

 

[cumulus.james]

Why did I go back? I must have been a natural pervert?

 

[Ioann]

Why did I go back? I must have been a natural pervert?

I am not a psychologist, but I guess you went back because it had become a routine, and these men gave you some attention, which you were not getting elsewhere. I think it is Eric Berne in Games People Play who explains that if you are use to say violence in place of love, you will keep going back to the violence.

I am not explaining it well, but I don't think there is such a thing as a 'natural pervert'. Circumstances and natural curiosity dragged you into a world I cannot begin to contemplate.

If you were a 'natural pervert' you would be happy about what happened, right?

 

[cumulus.james]

Why did I go back? I must have been a natural pervert?

I am not a psychologist, but I guess you went back because it had become a routine, and these men gave you some attention, which you were not getting elsewhere. I think it is Eric Berne in Games People Play who explains that if you are use to say violence in place of love, you will keep going back to the violence.

I am not explaining it well, but I don't think there is such a thing as a 'natural pervert'. Circumstances and natural curiosity dragged you into a world I cannot begin to contemplate.

If you were a 'natural pervert' you would be happy about what happened, right?

when I was 15, my father packed my belongings in s suitcase and threw them out. My first instinct was to go to a 'cottage'. this one had a hole in the door so you could see if anyone wanted to do stuff. It was a miserble winters night. I was alone, scared and depressed. I went in and waited. But no one came.

I found refuge in sexual abuse. And it is still so today, hece I fantasize about being raped. For me now there would be no greater act of love and acceptance than to be raped. How do I stop that nonsence?

 

[Ioann]

That's it cumulus.james. It is nonsense. You were looking for love and acceptance. And what you found in its place replaced it in your mind. That is why you still think of violent sex as love.

But it really isn't, and you know that.

These things get wired into our brains and they are very difficult to change. But they can be changed. Recent work into neuroplasticity suggests that it is never too late to change the wiring of the brain.

Therapies like CBT or REBT (which, given your scientific ideas you may like) can help. If you cannot get them on the NHS, which is, lets face it, pretty hit or miss, you can find books and websites which may help some.

Your GP would be a good place to start. I guess he/she already knows about this, and sees you?

 

[cumulus.james]

******* hell I am lonely. Please I just want someone to talk to and I just want a hug.

 

[Ioann]

I am not surprised that you got so little help. the state of things means you are on your own, unless you have lots of money for professional help. I got very little help with my problems - nowhere near as bad as yours.

You are clearly of above average intelligence. I think you can make a start. I am the sort of person who intellectualises everything, and it helps me to understand by reading books. Are you like that.

You will need to talk this through with someone at some point- face to face - with someone. There must be groups for people with problems like yours. And if their isn't, one needs to be founded.

 

[SophiaGrace]

My thinking is that cumulus.james has to somehow make new associations in his mind. Meaning, that if he associates violence with sex, he has to cut off the source of violence he is getting (I mean porn or erotic stories) and learn how to...process things differently somehow.

Like, with sex addiction you cut off your supply of porn, and erotic stories...attempting to deepen your relationship with others emotionally, find a different way of relating to others.

This probably has to do with the plasticity of the brain, creating new neuropathways.

You may always associate violence with being loved or violence with sex, but I think if you focus on trying to create other avenues than that, your life might become more rich because you gave yourself more options with which to relate to others. You might find that the type of relationships you develop with others will change.

 

[cumulus.james]

My thinking is that cumulus.james has to somehow make new associations in his mind. Meaning, that if he associates violence with sex, he has to cut off the source of violence he is getting (I mean porn or erotic stories) and learn how to...process things differently somehow.

Like, with sex addiction you cut off your supply of porn, and erotic stories...attempting to deepen your relationship with others emotionally, find a different way of relating to others.

This probably has to do with the plasticity of the brain, creating new neuropathways.

You may always associate violence with being loved or violence with sex, but I think if you focus on trying to create other avenues than that, your life might become more rich because you gave yourself more options with which to relate to others. You might find that the type of relationships you develop with others will change.

I have sex addiction. In my late teens/early 20s the ese of gay sex meant I could get it daily if I wanted, and often many times a day with multiple partners. I really stopped having contact sex about 10 years ago. I became obsessed with porn. I compulsively masterbated, sometimes making my penus bleed, often making it hurt/ache.

Am a compulsive and depraved sex addict. Don't want to be. Find myself disgusting and ashamed after every sexual act, but want to find love.

Better to be an American where there is a prospect of finding council on these issues. In the UK, no chance. is what it is and thats your poor lookout.

 

[Ioann]

Your behaviour may be compulsive, but you are not compulsive. You should try not to apply labels about behaviours to yourself, I would suggest. We are defined by our behaviours. And I really don't think you are depraved. That is a value judgement, a moral judgement. Those men who abused you are depraved. You are not.

I think, for what my views are worth, that SophiaGrace is right. Changing your way of thinking will not be easy, but it is possible. And it is worth it. You don't really want to go on like this, do you?

Here might be a good place to start -
http://www.survivorsuk.org/
Just a suggestion. But I think you need people who understand. I am a gay alcoholic - I share that much with you - but the rest of it is way beyond my knowledge or experience.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Sexaholic Anonymous UK

Try looking at that site.

Also, I am wondering if you are self-medicating with the alcohol because it tends to dampen your manic episodes. Do you tend to do more sexually risky behavior while manic than otherwise or?

 

[cumulus.james]

Sexaholic Anonymous UK

Try looking at that site.

Also, I am wondering if you are self-medicating with the alcohol because it tends to dampen your manic episodes. Do you tend to do more sexually risky behavior while manic than otherwise or?

I am dampening the manic epesodes with alcahol yes. But I lift myself in the depressive ones with it too. When I get hypomanic I also get hyposexual. I just want to be f***** non stop. I want penus's in and up my every orifice 24/7. and I want it to hurt and to feel forced and molested. This stuff has damaged all of my life but it still dominates my sexuality.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Will you contact the Sexaholics Anonymouse organization in the UK? They could help you deal with this maybe.

 

[Ioann]

Will you contact the Sexaholics Anonymouse organization in the UK? They could help you deal with this maybe.

Or, if you have a problem with 12 step programmes (which I assume from its name Sexaholics Anonymous is) because of the religious stuff (as you indicated you did have with AA - and I can't say I blame you), there are other secular organisations which can help, like SMART Recovery, which deals with addictive behaviours - drink, drugs, sex, gambling.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Why did I go back? I must have been a natural pervert?

I would think that you went back only because you were conditioned for it to be your comfort zone. You know nothing else but this and that is all you know of.

Didn't read all the posts in this thread, but just some - I do think speaking to someone professional, or what Sophia or Ioann suggested above.

Please don't think you deserve any of what you've been through. Nobody deserves to be abused, no matter what the circumstance. It's just wrong. Good luck, I really hope you try to seek help professionally so you could stop blaming yourself and so that you could make some changes for the better in your life. Take care, cumulus.james.

 

[cumulus.james]

Will you contact the Sexaholics Anonymouse organization in the UK? They could help you deal with this maybe.

Thanks. I am in touch with an organization to help with this. Don't like all that 'higher power stuff'. I study physics....

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Will you contact the Sexaholics Anonymouse organization in the UK? They could help you deal with this maybe.

Or, if you have a problem with 12 step programmes (which I assume from its name Sexaholics Anonymous is) because of the religious stuff (as you indicated you did have with AA - and I can't say I blame you), there are other secular organisations which can help, like SMART Recovery, which deals with addictive behaviours - drink, drugs, sex, gambling.

Thanks, I had not heard of SMART recovery, they list a meeting at the drugs and alcahol place I attend. I have not seen that on the lists of thier groups!

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Why did I go back? I must have been a natural pervert?

I would think that you went back only because you were conditioned for it to be your comfort zone. You know nothing else but this and that is all you know of.

Didn't read all the posts in this thread, but just some - I do think speaking to someone professional, or what Sophia or Ioann suggested above.

Please don't think you deserve any of what you've been through. Nobody deserves to be abused, no matter what the circumstance. It's just wrong. Good luck, I really hope you try to seek help professionally so you could stop blaming yourself and so that you could make some changes for the better in your life. Take care, cumulus.james.

Thaks a lot

 

[Ioann]

Hi cumulus. Hope you are ok-ish today.

SMART Recovery is quite new in the UK. They do not have meetings everywhere. They were founded by people who disliked the religion aspect of 12 step programmes. They are science based, taking their cue from Albert Ellis's rational Emotional Behaviour Therapy (REBT). There is plenty of stuff on the internet.

 

[cumulus.james]

Hi cumulus. Hope you are ok-ish today.

SMART Recovery is quite new in the UK. They do not have meetings everywhere. They were founded by people who disliked the religion aspect of 12 step programmes. They are science based, taking their cue from Albert Ellis's rational Emotional Behaviour Therapy (REBT). There is plenty of stuff on the internet.

Hi, I'm just looking at thier site now. Part of me is reluctant to help myself though. Like I don't deserve it.