Confusing Friend

[edamame721]

I'm friends with someone who purposely makes himself easily misunderstood and who then gets angry when the person he's talking to doesn't make the effort to properly understand him. He flirts with women he isn't attracted to but not with the ones he is attracted to. He takes pride in being selfish but at times will be considerate.

Once, I was having a tough time and he refused to come meet me because it was cold outside. I don't think he realized exactly how much I was hurting. But another time, I was sick and he offered to come bring me soup -- but he didn't mean it, he meant it as a joke in an attempt to cheer me up. Very confusing.

It's a bit hard to navigate around him, because he can be so contradictory, and I wonder if any of you have any advice? I don't think he's a bad friend at heart, because he has been there for me before, but he tends not to be able to read the atmosphere very well.

 

[Sun35]

I'm friends with someone who purposely makes himself easily misunderstood and who then gets angry when the person he's talking to doesn't make the effort to properly understand him. He flirts with women he isn't attracted to but not with the ones he is attracted to. He takes pride in being selfish but at times will be considerate.

Its an honest reply hope you aren't offended

Yes he seems to be confusing, true now as far as flirting with women are concerned, I don't know how he is exactly, also by attraction it could mean overall attraction in women or outer beauty or personality, I am not sure what it is but there a few things that could be possible.

1. If he flirts with women whom he isn't attracted to would mean either his thinking is not clear in his thinking and he doesn't truly knows what attraction is and he doesn't know what he wants. It could be possible that he doesn't have morals or standards. (No matter what aspect of attraction it is)

On the other hand if he flirts with women whom he doesn't find attractive it could also mean he knows exactly as to what he is attracted to in a women, may be it is not her outer looks, he has his own standards,it could be her personality, outer beauty isn't everything you know,so who knows what it is?. Attraction and appeal is purely in a person's head and it depends upon how their mind perceives these things.

In my view it could be that he might be attracted to the women personality and other traits rather than outer looks alone, who knows may be that's why he flirts even though she is not attractive.

So yes unless he himself tells you clearly, you'll never know.He will come off as confusing to you till then.

There are guys like that though.

Once, I was having a tough time and he refused to come meet me because it was cold outside. I don't think he realized exactly how much I was hurting. But another time, I was sick and he offered to come bring me soup -- but he didn't mean it, he meant it as a joke in an attempt to cheer me up. Very confusing.

It's a bit hard to navigate around him, because he can be so contradictory, and I wonder if any of you have any advice? I don't think he's a bad friend at heart, because he has been there for me before, but he tends not to be able to read the atmosphere very well.

Yes this entire behaviour is weird, may be that's how he is as a person but that doesn't mean he is bad at heart.No its not like that.

 

[Grackle]

Flirting with women you are not attracted to is easy and theres nothing to lose. Flirting with women you ARE attracted to is hard and theres a lot to lose if things don't go well. I feel people flirt because its fun and fills a need.

By the sounds of your description of your friend, I would say he's helps you when he feels like it and if he doesn't feel like it then he doesn't help you.

 

[edamame721]

He tells me himself that he flirts with women who are already attached and to whom he's not attracted to. I don't fault him for it, I just think he doesn't care when he hurts someone by sending mixed signals. It's sort of an "oh, yeah" moment when he realizes. We're not interested in each other romantically, but I bring this up to show his contradictory personality and how that happens in friendship.

I guess I'll lower my expectations of him so I don't feel slighted when he's not dependable.

 

[Veruca]

Hey Edamame,

Gah, that sucks. I had a friend like this once. It was an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I think the reality is that if you've tried talking to him and he doesn't get it, or doesn't want to change, then the only thing you can do, is as you've perfectly put it; lower your expectations. That way his contradictory ways won't affect you when its hurtful or ignorant. And you still get to have his friendship because he doesn't sound like a terrible person.

Sorry about the bit about him not wanting to come over though

I was also thinking that sometimes, we have to consider the fact that such people could be struggling with their own issues which surface in these weird contradictory behaviour. My friend had a lot of family problems which led her to be indecisive and on the fence and it affected our friendship, but once I lowered my expectations of her, things got better. We're still friends.

Good luck!!

 

[LeafPerson]

Im guessing hes a teenager? Often, people want to be nice. It seems like his ego and his morals are conflicting with each other. Just an observation.

 

[edamame721]

I think the reality is that if you've tried talking to him and he doesn't get it, or doesn't want to change, then the only thing you can do, is as you've perfectly put it; lower your expectations.

I was also thinking that sometimes, we have to consider the fact that such people could be struggling with their own issues which surface in these weird contradictory behaviour.

I've tried talking to him and he doesn't get it -- it seems like a small thing to him and he brushes it off.

You're right, I can guess at some of his issues. I have my own, so I don't claim to be a saint. :shy:

---

Im guessing hes a teenager? Often, people want to be nice. It seems like his ego and his morals are conflicting with each other. Just an observation.

No. He's an adult with an adult job. People can still have issues as they get older, it's just easier to hide them.

 

[Regumika]

He tells me himself that he flirts with women who are already attached and to whom he's not attracted to. I don't fault him for it, I just think he doesn't care when he hurts someone by sending mixed signals. It's sort of an "oh, yeah" moment when he realizes. We're not interested in each other romantically, but I bring this up to show his contradictory personality and how that happens in friendship.

I guess I'll lower my expectations of him so I don't feel slighted when he's not dependable.

This kind of behavior happens because when you are speaking with people that are out of your reach (already attached), it is easy to flirt and jokes because you know nothing will come of it. The receiving person will immediately see it as a joke. Where if you were to talk to a single person, there is a high chance of reading it wrong because it really could be either one.

Flirting is also a form of socializing. Human being are social creatures and we require some sort of attention. Flirting gives many of us the attention we require. If done to someone that is attached, no harm done, both sides gets giggles and both go about their day. If done to someone 'available', a lot of problems could arise from flirting even if it was a joke.

As for the helping you part.. eh, I kind of get it... let me see if I can explain.

Think of something you like to do.. be it cooking, baking, cleaning, making something, or whatever else. Now, if an opportunity arose that others would benefit from you doing/making on your own, then you'd probably do it to make everyone happy.
What if others hinted that it would be nice if you did/make it?
What if others asked you to?
What if other expected you to?
What if you are required to?

It's the same thing that you are doing/making (and you enjoy it) but as the approach changes, so does your desire to actually do/make it change. In your case it's being sick... well, I don't know the details =/

 

[edamame721]

Let me clarify, he flirts with women who are attached AND single women he's not attracted to.

Of course it's easy to do something if there's no expectations around it, but a close friendship can't work that way. If you don't go to someone when they're in distress because it's not convenient, then the trust evaporates or has a limit. There's certainly not going to be reciprocation.

He once left me alone in the middle of an outing to go to a friend who had just broken up with her boyfriend. I was a little disappointed but I understood he was being a good friend. I didn't think it'd be too much for him to come to dinner, especially if he asked to be invited. That feels more like being taken for granted.

 

[9006]

He seems confusing but his personality may simply be shaped by what kind of mood he's in. He also seems not to take anything serious which probably adds to this behavior.

 

[edamame721]

He seems confusing but his personality may simply be shaped by what kind of mood he's in. He also seems not to take anything serious which probably adds to this behavior.

This makes a lot of sense and definitely will prevent a lot of headaches. Thanks!

 

[Jacob1]

Let me clarify, he flirts with women who are attached AND single women he's not attracted to.

Of course it's easy to do something if there's no expectations around it, but a close friendship can't work that way. If you don't go to someone when they're in distress because it's not convenient, then the trust evaporates or has a limit. There's certainly not going to be reciprocation.

He once left me alone in the middle of an outing to go to a friend who had just broken up with her boyfriend. I was a little disappointed but I understood he was being a good friend. I didn't think it'd be too much for him to come to dinner, especially if he asked to be invited. That feels more like being taken for granted.

You need to let him go I had a friend like this I can't tolerate people like I have such a big heart and belief in death loyalties I admire the samurai I'm so lonely I'm joining the marines just to have brotherly love plz don't judge me for this This is me and this is also me drinking alone as usual 18 year only had sex 2 times in my life I just want a friend I don't care about sex I just want a friend that die for me like I'd die for him I want a friend to die with and for

 

[lifestream]

Hey edamame.

I had a friend like yours once. I think a large part of it for him was fear. He had been let down and hurt by people in the past and, as a consequence, generally assumed that everyone was a potential source of pain and/or disappointment. It was because of this that he treated the people in his life with indifference and sometimes callousness, even if they'd proved trustworthy.

I'm not sure how close you are with this guy, but perhaps it might be prudent to take a few steps back from the friendship and see how his behaviour towards you differs. If he sees the error of his ways, you've kept the friendship alive. If not, you've rid yourself of a potential source of heartache. As you yourself quite rightly pointed out, continually disregarding someone's feelings and taking them for granted will eventually chip away at the foundations of even the strongest friendships.

Hope I've been some help.

 

[Jacob1]

Hey edamame.

I had a friend like yours once. I think a large part of it for him was fear. He had been let down and hurt by people in the past and, as a consequence, generally assumed that everyone was a potential source of pain and/or disappointment. It was because of this that he treated the people in his life with indifference and sometimes callousness, even if they'd proved trustworthy.

I'm not sure how close you are with this guy, but perhaps it might be prudent to take a few steps back from the friendship and see how his behaviour towards you differs. If he sees the error of his ways, you've kept the friendship alive. If not, you've rid yourself of a potential source of heartache. As you yourself quite rightly pointed out, continually disregarding someone's feelings and taking them for granted will eventually chip away at the foundations of even the strongest friendships.

Hope I've been some help.

You have with me if you helped with anything you help me understand thank you your very intelligent

 

[edamame721]

Hey edamame.

I had a friend like yours once. I think a large part of it for him was fear. He had been let down and hurt by people in the past and, as a consequence, generally assumed that everyone was a potential source of pain and/or disappointment. It was because of this that he treated the people in his life with indifference and sometimes callousness, even if they'd proved trustworthy.

I'm not sure how close you are with this guy, but perhaps it might be prudent to take a few steps back from the friendship and see how his behaviour towards you differs. If he sees the error of his ways, you've kept the friendship alive. If not, you've rid yourself of a potential source of heartache. As you yourself quite rightly pointed out, continually disregarding someone's feelings and taking them for granted will eventually chip away at the foundations of even the strongest friendships.

Hope I've been some help.

You're absolutely right. A few months after I posted this thread, things finally came to a head. I talked it out with him and he told me he didn't want to disappoint me but also that he preferred to keep all his friends at a distance. He can go for a month without hearing from someone and if someone leaves, he'll just make a new friend.

He said he once dropped all his friends before and so, he thinks they can do the same to him.

I already apologized for things I might have hurt him with. But he won't change and I respected his wish for distance. We're now more like acquaintances. He'll sometimes meet up if I ask him to, but he no longer takes the initiative. I'm sure something happened in his life to make him so wary with people, but he did not share it with me and I stopped asking.