Confusion concerning minor ways of self harm (not suicidal)

[Juana24]

Hi guys! How are you?
It's been a while since I last posted here. I think I'm not really good at keeping up with this kind of interaction (and it's not the only one I suck at though, lol). I'll try my best to try to improve, I'd really like to and maybe get to meet new friends. I decided to write in this category because it has to do with my partner, but really our relationship is not the main issue, but I couldn't find where else it could fit, so here I am.

I'm here today because this week I had sort of a rough situation concerning me, my boyfriend and an old "practice" I had long forgotten about... I am in a committed relationship. We've been together for about 5+ years and we're planning on marrying and living together of course. For the moment it is not possible because we're both going through some complex family issues. Well.. lately we've been having some issues ourselves because we don't get to see each other much, only during the weekends. It's happened before though that we simply can't meet at all in two weeks or so. And well... I can't say that I've been handling that in the best way. He is a very social person, and I'm very lonely and socially awkward, so... well, I guess you can imagine the situation.

Last week it happened again. We had plans, and in the end, we couldn't meet because he was in another social situation that he couldn't avoid and well... I almost lost my sh***, even though I could understand logically the situation, I even think it wasn't such a big deal actually, but wel... perhaps I wasn't in the best place that day I guess. Anyway, I lost it, not with him, but with myself. And it reminded me of something I hadn't done in a long time: hurting myself. It has happened a few times before, I would begin feeling extremely angry, frustrated, or hurt about something and I would start hitting my legs with my hands or my hands against something, things would get worse when I ended up hitting my head with my fists or against a wall... That's the scariest part of it all I guess... I don't understand yet what really happens in my head when I do that. I feel like a little whiny girl having a tantrum and I just feel so embarrassed. It hadn't gone any further, a few times I've had suicidal thoughts (as everyone at least once in their lives I guess) but I definitely would not do something like that. And cutting myself or similar has also been out of the equation too... Nobody knows this about me... I just sometimes feel like I've lost it and can't control myself... And, well... I'd like to know if maybe you've experienced something similar and I don't know, maybe I'm hoping this gets to someone who can give me some sort of guidance or information about it in order to understand better what's wrong...

The good news is that I didn't do that last week. In that moment of frustration from the situation with my boyfriend, I just felt the urgency to do it but I could control myself. However, it really scared me because I had literally forgotten about it, and all of a sudden there it was again, that urge or maybe "crave", I don't know how to call it... I haven't been able to get it out of my head (not the urge, but the idea and the memory of those actions) and well, I think I need some sort of help with this. I'd be really thankful to read you kind person who is taking the time to read and maybe answer this thread...

Thanks! And Bye!

 

[user15010]

Thank you for sharing

 

[Finished]

Hello. To me it sounds like you might have a little bit of an impluse control issue. And you hold back your frustrations and anger until they force themselves to the surface. You want to appear that everything is fine with you even though you may be mad or stressed inside. IMO, it's best to try to find a way to positively release your anger and frustrations before they bubble up to the surface. A normal guy way is to get a punching bag and hit it. But other ways are to run, exercise, scream, etc, etc, etc. Either way it involves you getting your heart rate up and exercising in some way. It helps to release the tension.

 

[Claudia1794]

Hello. To me it sounds like you might have a little bit of an impluse control issue. And you hold back your frustrations and anger until they force themselves to the surface. You want to appear that everything is fine with you even though you may be mad or stressed inside. IMO, it's best to try to find a way to positively release your anger and frustrations before they bubble up to the surface. A normal guy way is to get a punching bag and hit it. But other ways are to run, exercise, scream, etc, etc, etc. Either way it involves you getting your heart rate up and exercising in some way. It helps to release the tension.

Punching bag is very effective!

 

[Juana24]

Hello. To me it sounds like you might have a little bit of an impluse control issue. And you hold back your frustrations and anger until they force themselves to the surface. You want to appear that everything is fine with you even though you may be mad or stressed inside. IMO, it's best to try to find a way to positively release your anger and frustrations before they bubble up to the surface. A normal guy way is to get a punching bag and hit it. But other ways are to run, exercise, scream, etc, etc, etc. Either way it involves you getting your heart rate up and exercising in some way. It helps to release the tension.

Thanks! I think you're absolutely right. I have the tendency to do that in many aspects of my life actually. It makes total sense to me. Thank you so much!

 

[Finished]

Thanks! I think you're absolutely right. I have the tendency to do that in many aspects of my life actually. It makes total sense to me. Thank you so much!

Believe me it's best to learn to get that crap out of your body instead of internalizing it. It can cause medical problems. Some people also meditate to get the stress and frustrations out. After you close your eyes, get your calm, you can image breathing in healthy clean air and exhauling all the stress, anger, and frustrations. It actually works. Many people do it.

 

[Lonelyroad]

Hi guys! How are you?
It's been a while since I last posted here. I think I'm not really good at keeping up with this kind of interaction (and it's not the only one I suck at though, lol). I'll try my best to try to improve, I'd really like to and maybe get to meet new friends. I decided to write in this category because it has to do with my partner, but really our relationship is not the main issue, but I couldn't find where else it could fit, so here I am.

I'm here today because this week I had sort of a rough situation concerning me, my boyfriend and an old "practice" I had long forgotten about... I am in a committed relationship. We've been together for about 5+ years and we're planning on marrying and living together of course. For the moment it is not possible because we're both going through some complex family issues. Well.. lately we've been having some issues ourselves because we don't get to see each other much, only during the weekends. It's happened before though that we simply can't meet at all in two weeks or so. And well... I can't say that I've been handling that in the best way. He is a very social person, and I'm very lonely and socially awkward, so... well, I guess you can imagine the situation.

Last week it happened again. We had plans, and in the end, we couldn't meet because he was in another social situation that he couldn't avoid and well... I almost lost my sh***, even though I could understand logically the situation, I even think it wasn't such a big deal actually, but wel... perhaps I wasn't in the best place that day I guess. Anyway, I lost it, not with him, but with myself. And it reminded me of something I hadn't done in a long time: hurting myself. It has happened a few times before, I would begin feeling extremely angry, frustrated, or hurt about something and I would start hitting my legs with my hands or my hands against something, things would get worse when I ended up hitting my head with my fists or against a wall... That's the scariest part of it all I guess... I don't understand yet what really happens in my head when I do that. I feel like a little whiny girl having a tantrum and I just feel so embarrassed. It hadn't gone any further, a few times I've had suicidal thoughts (as everyone at least once in their lives I guess) but I definitely would not do something like that. And cutting myself or similar has also been out of the equation too... Nobody knows this about me... I just sometimes feel like I've lost it and can't control myself... And, well... I'd like to know if maybe you've experienced something similar and I don't know, maybe I'm hoping this gets to someone who can give me some sort of guidance or information about it in order to understand better what's wrong...

The good news is that I didn't do that last week. In that moment of frustration from the situation with my boyfriend, I just felt the urgency to do it but I could control myself. However, it really scared me because I had literally forgotten about it, and all of a sudden there it was again, that urge or maybe "crave", I don't know how to call it... I haven't been able to get it out of my head (not the urge, but the idea and the memory of those actions) and well, I think I need some sort of help with this. I'd be really thankful to read you kind person who is taking the time to read and maybe answer this thread...

Thanks! And Bye!

I'm sad that for you that this is the one thing you turn to in times of despair or loneliness but you need to stop punishing yourself because of other people's actions. Your kinda unclear on the "social situations" you refer to but I should think if your partner knows now much your anxious about the situation then he should be doing everything possible uo put your mind at ease and also make the effort to spend the "social time" with you. Please don't this to yourself as its a not going to change the situation or make you feel better certainly not after injuring yourself. Please do not be so hard on yourself and try to find some things to do to help relax a little. Meditation or music or something at the moment you have feelings of doing something bad then get some happy music on or go for a walk or something. Break the thought cycle of doing this. I wish you all the happiness in the world and be strong! We all have that strength

 

[Juana24]

I'm sad that for you that this is the one thing you turn to in times of despair or loneliness but you need to stop punishing yourself because of other people's actions. Your kinda unclear on the "social situations" you refer to but I should think if your partner knows now much your anxious about the situation then he should be doing everything possible uo put your mind at ease and also make the effort to spend the "social time" with you. Please don't this to yourself as its a not going to change the situation or make you feel better certainly not after injuring yourself. Please do not be so hard on yourself and try to find some things to do to help relax a little. Meditation or music or something at the moment you have feelings of doing something bad then get some happy music on or go for a walk or something. Break the thought cycle of doing this. I wish you all the happiness in the world and be strong! We all have that strength

Hey! Thanks for those kind words. I wish the best to you too. Thanks, it really means a lot!
You're right, actually, after writing that text I was kinda happy or somehow relieved because I noticed the impulse, but I didn't actually harm myself in the end. So... I think that was a little "win".

Regarding the trigger situation, I kind of ended up pulling out the frustration on my boyfriend a little. I acted cold for a few hours but, fortunately, we have been actively working on our communication skills as a couple and we managed to create the space to sort it out and have an honest talk. It was a huge relief and we're still working on that. Of course, I know that's not the solution to my self-harm tendency because it could be triggered by many things, but I'll keep in mind your recommendations and continue working on it.

Thank you guys, you can't (or maybe you can) imagine how much it means to me that you took the time to read me and share ideas with me :3 THANKS!

 

[TropicalStarfish]

You may consider taking up a meditation practice, often called, 'mindfulness,' meditation these days. If you have a Buddhist temple near by, you could learn that way, or you can look up youtube video tutorials.

There are many different ways to cultivate/discipline the mind, as well as practice awareness. A lot of people like, "Thich Nhat Hanh's," teachings. He is deceased now; but, has left us with a large body of written works and videos available on youtube.

I don't know if your anger is something that is self-directed? Or perhaps, it is situational frustration that builds to the point you, 'punish,' yourself? Sometimes this is, maladaptive, 'attention,' seeking behavior? There can be many different reasons.

If you decide to take up mindfulness practice, you may want to start with just 5 minute sessions 2 or 3 times a day. With the goal being 15 minutes a day. Then once you master that, you can make the goal of doing 10 minutes twice or 3 times a day. Then after that you can try 15 minutes at a time, two times a day... And just gradually try to work yourself up to 30 minutes a day, and then perhaps an hour a day.

It sounds like your main issue is intense emotions. And, learning to cultivate the mind a bit, may yield some results.

Other suggestions might be to physically try to work out the frustration by exercising, running, exhausting yourself that way, etc.. Or connecting with nature, taking a real long walk, etc..... In a tough moment, you may want to alternate squeezing one hand with the other, squeezing your hands, or being rough with yourself (WITHOUT causing _harm_), and say, "i'll let myself be rough with myself for 5 minutes, then I will take this negative energy and focus it on a self-construction activity instead; something I can be proud of, rather than ashamed of."

The point, is to be compassionate with yourself, get to know yourself better, and replace unhelpful habits, with more constructive and creative pursuits that will enrich your life and the life of others. Sometimes, we just never learned how to get along with ourselves, and become dependent in some way on others, for things we'd benefit from, learning to provide for ourselves.

Imagine you live in a cabin, and you never learned how to chop wood. So, you always have your nice neighbor chop wood for you; but, he isn't always available to do it for you. Well, you may get very angry the days he doesn't show up, because your stuck in the cold, shivering your butt off. And because you are angry at him, or the situation, you might be angry with yourself, for being in that situation and being angry. And then you are angry about being angry, and that just makes you more angry. So, we all can get stuck in situations like this from time to time, some people are more susceptible to these situations than others. It's okay to depend on people we trust, that's part of life; but, it's also a part of life that we need to be able to depend on ourselves as well. There needs to be balance there; that's the key, _balance_.

One thing I notice, about my intense emotions, is that, they rise very sharply and very quickly and seem to plateau, and stay intense, for around an hour, maybe sometimes a couple hours to 4 hours; but, you may notice that, more often than not, these emotions eventually subside. They subside as we become interested in something else, distracted by some other concern, moved into a different state of mind by some other situation that is less intense or more pleasant. The point is, every wave, eventually, tends to level out.

So, for me, some times, not always, but sometimes, just sitting, being still, breathing, and being aware of my outside and my inside, can bring a calm, like muddy water, left still and alone, eventually clears up, as the messy stuff settles to the bottom. That doesn't always happen, and that's not the goal of meditation, 'to fix stuff,' but, some times being still, and being aware, can give us a certain time, place, and space, for difficult inner turmoil, to resolve itself a bit, while we watch ourselves and our environment, and try to, 'get with it,' and perhaps learn from it.

Anyway, good luck.

P.S.


I just found this one, real quick. I enjoy listening to Thich speak, some times. His suggested methods don't always work for me; but, I tend to be the type that has to, 'go my own way,' anyway... (using subtitles can help too, heh. He has a strong accent.)