Confusion

[AutumgGypsy]

Hey everyone.

I had trouble deciding the best section for this one, but I guess that doesn't really matter. Some of you might have caught a recent post of mine about feeling as though I can't connect with guys as friends. We all know how complicated the whole guy/girl friendship things goes, and how its even worse when you're in a relationship. This one's going to be a LONG one, so I'm warning you now. Anyway, here's the skinny.

I had met this guy my first semester of college at the school I transfered to. There was a moment when I got the feeling he was hitting on me, but I wasn't very interested in him at the time (also I had just started dating my current boyfriend.) As the months went on, I crossed paths with him a lot. Always awkward I-know-you-but-should-I-acknowledge-you-or-pretend-I-didn't-see-you moments. I started changing the paths I walked just to avoid him. This went on for like a year or so. More time passed and last spring we happened to have a class together. I remember seeing him walk in and thinking "Oh great, this is the worst! Maybe he will pretend he doesn't know me". We ended up sitting next to each other, and I was so pissed he was going to drag the awkwardness out. I just wanted him to go away!! He just kept chatting me up though and I couldn't escape. I tried switching seats but always seemed stuck next to him. It bothered me that he just kept talking to me and I didn't know how to react. Next thing I know, we are talking everyday in class. I already had the feeling for a long time that he was into me, but then-even worse-I started to realize I was into him!! I couldn't believe this was happening. I found myself getting excited to get to class just to sit near him. I started to notice the fact that he was so tall, the greenish color of his eyes, and the fact that he downplayed how intelligent he really was. He was moody and had a short temper (like me!) and was a lot sweeter than the frat-boy like persona he wears. This was the first time in my life I met someone who really got around the wall I keep up. There was lots of guilt and denial (because I have a boyfriend) and I got the feeling he had a girlfriend as well (I think I heard it mentioned). He helped me a lot with my assignments (its was a computer class-not my thing at all) and honestly if it wasn't for him I probably would have failed the class. I started having issues with my current boyfriend (and he almost broke up with me around this time). We had a moment one day when he was probably trying to confide some personal things going on in his life to me (I smack myself in the head to wonder if he broke up with his girlfriend at this time), but I panicked and shut him down on that (a moment I'm always going to regret now). Class ended and that was that. I saw him once or twice this past fall, and I got the feeling he was excited to see me.

I started thinking about him recently a lot, and it has turned into sort of an obsession I can't shake. I worked up the nerve to add him on facebook, only to find out he's in a happy relationship. He also seems like (from his photos) like he's got the kind of social life I'd never fit into. Its hard to tell for sure if he was in a relationship with the same girl he is now, but I have a feeling that's a yes. I didn't expect to start a romantic relationship with him, but I thought maybe he would at least say something to me. I feel very upset and rejected, and maybe as though I imagined the whole thing or read too much into it. I guess I can't believe I could be so sure there was something there, at least a friendship, and that maybe he doesn't regard me as highly as I do him. It's crossed my mind that this probably meant a lot more to because of the fact that I don't have any friends and a long distance boyfriend, while he has a girlfriend right there and countless friends. But still, I pride myself on my instincts and can't believe I could be so fooled into thinking there was something there when there really wasn't.

Either way, (if you're still even reading this so far) what are your thoughts on this? I would love the guys to weigh in here too, and give me a little insight from the guy perspective. I expect brutally honest answers, because its better for me to hear that and get over it.

I'm sure I'll get over this in a while, but for me opening up the wound as much as possible is the only way for me to heal it. Thanks guys.

 

[Sigma]

I'm just gonna toss in my 2 cents here from the "bare minimum experience with relationships guy perspective"

For starters, I'm assuming here you're a woman (sorry I don't know) "I can't connect with other guys as friends." made me think at first you might be a guy but the rest of the message made me think otherwise.
Anyway-
It's pretty obvious you both liked each other, not necessarily romantically, you just got along. I recognize this from my school period when I barely had any friends, but the ones I had were nearly all female (with me being a guy). I never experienced any trouble with the girl-boy thing, but then again I'm not exactly a looker so maybe that explains that, either way I never considered it a hindrance to forming a successful friendship.
With that said though, there's no way of knowing for sure what the hell was going through HIS head, whether he just felt comfortable around you and wanted a friendship only, or if he wanted something more than that but was held back by his pre-existing relationship. If I were to guess I'd say the former but my judgment is probably colored by my personal experiences and the fact that I don't know anything about you and exactly what happened between you two.
Doesn't matter though, what I said about you two getting along earlier was definitely true, he sought out contact before -for whatever reason- so there's something there. And whatever that something might be, you got along with him before, you even have him added on facebook now, who knows where it might lead.
Just avoid making hasty conclusions, lack of response on the other end doesn't always mean a reluctance to do so, maybe he just doesn't know what to say, or maybe he's waiting for you to take the initiative.
Or maybe all of the above is complete ********, I really don't know, my own relationship is experiencing some major difficulties right now which I have no idea how to deal with, but hey I tried.
Hope this stuff turns out okay, good luck either way

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Oh man what an awful typo. Yes I'm a woman! Good assumption.

Thanks for the insight. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately? lol) If I'm sure of nothing else there was definitely sexual tension! (oh man that sounds so bad to write that out too) I'm questioning more whether he was into me romantically (as a dating interest) or if he didn't like me as a person that much (just looking to get some). Im in confusion whether there was a real emotional connection, I think. Its the friendship part I felt as thought I just made up and imagined. But you're right though that maybe I'm jumping to hasty conclusions. And the fact he hasn't said anything yet via facebook doesn't necessarily mean anything. Thanks for the feedback, I'm feeling a little better already.

 

[Sigma]

Oh man what an awful typo. Yes I'm a woman! Good assumption.

Thanks for the insight. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately? lol) If I'm sure of nothing else there was definitely sexual tension (oh man that sounds so bad to write that out too) I'm questioning more whether he was into me romantically (as a dating interest) or if he didn't like me as a person that much (just looking to get some). Im in confusion whether there was a real emotional connection, I think. Its the friendship part I felt as thought I just made up and imagined.

So the real question here then is he the all too common "wham bam, thank you ma'am" guy or the one looking for something more.
Doubt it is the former since he didn't come on to you, and you know, he has a girlfriend already.
So that means that if, like you claim, there was sexual tension between you maybe he's interested in you to that extent.
I'm just connecting the dots here, there's no way to be sure about these things, but that's what it looks like to me.
Again, I'd say it all depends on what actions the both of you take from now on.

 

[Regumika]

I'm questioning more whether he was into me romantically (as a dating interest) or if he didn't like me as a person that much (just looking to get some).

this is the question women ask. Every. Time. because of typical male behavior, women are skeptical, and rightfully so. If back in the computer class days, he already had a GF, then he just wants to be friends. and now that you two dont have class together anymore (im assuming), its not that he doesnt want to talk to you anymore, but there.. for lack of better word.. is no reason to. (wait, dont get discouraged here, keep reading!)

lets take a step back for a minute and think in general... if you had friends, how many can you talk to every day? how much time would you have left for yourself? what if you are in a relationship? would you want time just for you and him without your other friends?

Honestly, many of us do not have time/energy/attention to have more than like 4 real friends (not to confuse with hangout buddies/weekend girlfriends/shopping partners). and the truth is... real friends dont even talk to each other every day (except for quick smalltalk) unless they work/school together. with work and/or school, real life responsibilities, personal time. its actually very hard to juggle friends when the count starts to go up. You end up having to choose who to talk to each week. and lastly, your friends might not be friends with each other.

to answer your original post. what about your BF? why him? i think if you can answer that, it might be alittle more clear on the feelings you have for this guy.

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Yep! Thats the eternal question lol. I don't know whether I should contact him or not. I was hoping he would, considering how outgoing he is. But what would that lead to anyway? I'm not trying to start something romantic, and I don't want him to THINK I'm trying to start something romantically. But again, I worry that he really didn't consider me a friend at all, and now that he hasn't "gotten any" he's bored and moved on. I don't know what to think.

 

[Sigma]

You contacting him doesn't have to mean you're trying to get something going though right? Just say something casual, something you might've said to him in class.

 

[AutumgGypsy]

I'm questioning more whether he was into me romantically (as a dating interest) or if he didn't like me as a person that much (just looking to get some).

this is the question women ask. Every. Time. because of typical male behavior, women are skeptical, and rightfully so. If back in the computer class days, he already had a GF, then he just wants to be friends. and now that you two dont have class together anymore (im assuming), its not that he doesnt want to talk to you anymore, but there.. for lack of better word.. is no reason to. (wait, dont get discouraged here, keep reading!)

lets take a step back for a minute and think in general... if you had friends, how many can you talk to every day? how much time would you have left for yourself? what if you are in a relationship? would you want time just for you and him without your other friends?

Honestly, many of us do not have time/energy/attention to have more than like 4 real friends (not to confuse with hangout buddies/weekend girlfriends/shopping partners). and the truth is... real friends dont even talk to each other every day (except for quick smalltalk) unless they work/school together. with work and/or school, real life responsibilities, personal time. its actually very hard to juggle friends when the count starts to go up. You end up having to choose who to talk to each week. and lastly, your friends might not be friends with each other.

to answer your original post. what about your BF? why him? i think if you can answer that, it might be alittle more clear on the feelings you have for this guy.

Yes that all true. Hearing this will make it easier to let it all go. I hang on because I haven't got anything to hang on to. What did you mean though about my boyfriend? If you're asking about the state of our relationship, thats a whole 'nother post for another day. I won't go into the details but him and I are pretty estranged and not a good match (in my eyes, to him things are fine). I don't feel close to him, I would hardly even consider him a friend. The relationship isn't bad though, he's very polite and kind and we have no fighting or issues. But long-distance just isn't a real relationship in my eyes. I hang on to my boyfriend because its either be COMPLETELY (as in I only talk to my cat) alone or have at least one person in my life to hang on to. I'm not strong enough to make that sort of move right now. Its terrible to say but it's the truth.

 

[Regumika]

I brought up your boyfriend because you mentioned that when this [guy] first started 'hitting' on you was also when you started with your [boyfriend], so i was just curious to see where you stand now with your [boyfriend] as a 'measurement' on your feelings for the [guy].

well, now that it is clear where you stand with your boyfriend, lets get into that.. a little bit. Personally, as long as he knows how you feel about the relationship (estranged and not a good match) but you are not ready to split yet, it is fine to use him as a.. shoulder to lean on. if he is knowingly giving you his shoulder for you to lean on, then i dont see the issue whether you see the relationship will work or not. Youre not taking advantage of him, he knows what he is getting himself into. not even considered a friend however.. i think its a good idea to find someone you can trust to share you feelings with soon (not necessarily romantically).

would even long distant friendship not work to you?

 

[AutumgGypsy]

Oh boy this is going to be long. Yes I see what you're saying, unfortunately things with my boyfriend and I took a quick turn for the worse. I often confided in him, told him of the ups and downs of my life. After a while, he came to view this as me being "negative all the time". He started avoiding me (which mind you in a long distance relationship meant I was only seeing him once every three months and talking on the phone only once in two weeks.) He pulled away a lot, and the more I asked him for a reason the farther he pushed me away. This was an unbelievably hard rejection to take. The one person I thought was my true friend and love did not even want to chat with me on the phone. When he finally admitted that it was because I was, in his eyes, so negative all the time, I decided to change the way I act around him. Very quickly I found that while it made him very happy, I was no longer in a position to confide in or trust him with personal issues. I only show him the part of me that he accepts, and for the last year he has been very happy with our relationship. I have pointed out many times the lack of connect we have, the lack of similar interests we really have, and the fact that we never get to spend real time together. He doesn't seem to think this is a problem. We also reached a point in our relationship where he pulled back, and wanted me to leave him alone to spend time with his friends. Mind you, his friends are his roommates, so he sees them constantly. I was very confused and rejected over this and wondering how our brand new relationship went bad so quickly. I gave him space, and as a results of that he became an insignificant part of my daily life. I know this is NOT good relationship, and I was going to suck it up and end things before the holidays. His mother ended up in the hospital, and she passed away a month ago. Needless to say, I couldn't up and leave and the loss is still too raw for him at the moment. Add that to the fact that I am completely isolated without him, and I just can't work up the nerve again to leave.

As to long distance friendship, I find its so hard to work up a non-long distance friendship that a long distance one is just out of the question. If I had people I could connect to, I wouldn't have ended up on this forum in the first place.

---

You contacting him doesn't have to mean you're trying to get something going though right? Just say something casual, something you might've said to him in class.

That sounds like a good idea. Hopefully if I work up the nerve I can see what happens.

 

[Regumika]

=(

I think finding new connections is best at this time. There are a couple of people here on the forums that I confide in. And they have supported me tremendously. I know if I need a lift up, they will be there in no time. Both long distance. Very very good friends. =)

Send some PM's out =)