Coping with an ugly past

[ardour]

There was this stage in my late teens where my father suddenly took an interest in me. Later I realized it was because he’d heard my mother had been diagnosed with cancer, assumed she would die soon and I would get the estate.

He'd take me out to eat and to bars a few times. I met a couple of his mates.

It was during this I realized something was ‘off’ about him; he was often dropping these distasteful sexual references into conversation; wanted to take me to strip clubs; did drugs, smoked weed in front of me, stopped off at a dealer's house with me in the car. His friends also seemed like low-lifes: he told me how they would visit teenage prostitutes and take in underage girls who had run from home. These were men in their mid 40s. It was gross. According to my mother he lived in North Africa for a time during the '70s. I asked but he didn’t want to talk about it - God knows what he got up to there. My mother was the opposite of him and I’m thankful she brought me up.

Anyway, the disturbing thing was I saw a lot of him in me. People would look askance at him, women would frown disapprovingly, men would look away. I recognized those reactions. He was desperate for approval. We'd run into acquaintances of his and he would try and force a conversation even though it was obvious they weren’t happy talking to him. I recognized that too, since I was friendless at the time and was often pushing for approval from those who didn't want to know. I felt sorry for him, at least the part of him that had struggled with his appearance and low self-esteem. He has two other sons from a later relationship that fell apart -I tried looking for them on social networking sites out of curiosity about how they look and how their lives turned out. The names aren't that common but I couldn't find them, which leads me to think they were never that popular either.

I wonder if it’s worth fighting against whatever has formed me, or whether it would be better to accept being ugly, painfully awkward, boring and slow-witted. Thank God I've not sick the way he is, but there's other unlikeable traits of his that are part of my personality.

 

[VanillaCreme]

There's probably always going to be a lot of him in you. He is your father, disturbing as he may be. The thing about it is, you decide how you are. People may be raised a certain way, but we all have a choice to be and act how we wish. There's really nothing set in stone, and if you see you have a trait or a habit in yourself that he does, and you don't like it, you can train yourself not to do it. It takes effort but it's not impossible.

 

[FauxReaL]

There was this stage in my late teens where my father suddenly took an interest in knowing me.

Something like this happened to me too. I was performing terribly in school, due to skipping everyday to paint graffiti and shoplift by my lonesome because I had given up on making friends at that point. I was from the hood and had moved a lot but this was my first time going to a suburban public school. It was culture shock for me. Too laid back and catty. The teachers were more strict and the work was harder. I'd always been on honor roll before then, but had really just given up. Ultimately I got expelled for chronic truancy and insubordination and dropped out at 16.

This was the final straw for my mother and I was kicked out indefinitely. I spent a couple weeks on the streets and finally made my way to my dad's house back in the hood. This was my firs time living with him ever, as he was a heroin addict throughout my childhood but had since been sober for years. I lived there from 16 until shortly after turning 19. During the time living there, I made zero effort to get my GED or a job.

I continued to shoplift, do B&E and paint at an increasing rate, all around my city. I deteriorated into a psychotic, anorexic, drug-addled, gremlin. There were some kids that I knew from middle school that lived a neighborhood over and I would often show up to their houses or try to find them when school had let out because I had no phone.

I was usually high as a kite on dissociatives. I was starved for attention and desperate for connections to weed. So I ended up using them and often times thoroughly freaking them out. Showing up to their houses psychotic and/or with various injuries that required medical attention. I was one time told "You're a scary person. Don't come around here any more."

My father was too busy amassing his collection of antiques (he's a hoarder), and dealing with problems of his own to discipline me. We got evicted twice because neither of us worked. We didn't have internet, heat, and rarely had food in the house. We got some EBT money and dumpster dived for bagels and other food. I loved this life style at the time.

I went to the library 5 miles away everyday for files and to research things for my music. I'd put them on a flashdrive and go home and record my drugged out raps and beats. I really liked the life style, because I romanticized it. In the end it was holding me back greatly. While other kids my age were in school, going to parties, making new friends, working jobs, getting SOs, and all that... I was a lonely, crazy, young man with no direction. I'm 20 now, and still picking up the pieces.

My dad is my best friend, and I feel I can tell him anything... but I'd never want to live with him again. He rubs off on me pretty badly, because his own life is in shambles. I now live with my mother, have gotten all cases to dismissed from that period, gone to rehab and the mental ward, made 1 new close friend, started on meds and will be learning to drive/getting a job/dating/going to college soon.

I have lots of motivation. Things are looking up, but I often find myself thinking about all that time wasted and how my life would be different had I lived more healthy from ages 12-19. It haunts me, really.

I look at my dad and have tried to learn from his mistakes. We are very similar in a lot of ways but one difference is that he expects other people to take care of him. Give him money, help him out etc. He hasn't worked a real job since he was 35 and is now 50. I'm very different. I take help from people, but refuse it until I reeaally need it. I have a good work ethic and am eager to get a job. I want to be like my mom, who has played it safe and provided for me and my sister the best she could over the years (not that I want kids).

Don't be him, you don't after be. Be better than him. That's where I'm at. Sure you have the same genetics, but you can make your own choices, son.

He has two other sons from a later relationship that fell apart -I tried looking for them on social networking sites just out of curiosity about how they look and how their lives turned out. The names aren't that common but I can't find them, which leads me to think they were never that popular either.

...and as for his other kids. DO NOT figure out about them. It's a good thing u couldn't find them. That will only make you think about it more. Learn from it, and move on, move on, move on. Focus on you, breh. You're a rad dude, and don't let anyone tell you other wise. You were born perfect. Real recognize real.

 

[cumulus.james]

There was this stage in my late teens where my father suddenly took an interest in me. Later I realized it was because he’d heard my mother had been diagnosed with cancer, assumed she would die soon and I would get the estate.

He'd take me out to eat and to bars a few times. I met a couple of his mates.

It was during this I realized something was ‘off’ about him; he was often dropping these distasteful sexual references into conversation; wanted to take me to strip clubs; did drugs, smoked weed in front of me, stopped off at a dealer's house with me in the car. His friends also seemed like low-lifes: he told me how they would visit teenage prostitutes and take in underage girls who had run from home. These were men in their mid 40s. It was gross. According to my mother he lived in North Africa for a time during the '70s. I asked but he didn’t want to talk about it - God knows what he got up to there. My mother was the opposite of him and I’m thankful she brought me up.

Anyway, the disturbing thing was I saw a lot of him in me. People would look askance at him, women would frown disapprovingly, men would look away. I recognized those reactions. He was desperate for approval. We'd run into acquaintances of his and he would try and force a conversation even though it was obvious they weren’t happy talking to him. I recognized that too, since I was friendless at the time and was often pushing for approval from those who didn't want to know. I felt sorry for him, at least the part of him that had struggled with his appearance and low self-esteem. He has two other sons from a later relationship that fell apart -I tried looking for them on social networking sites out of curiosity about how they look and how their lives turned out. The names aren't that common but I couldn't find them, which leads me to think they were never that popular either.

I wonder if it’s worth fighting against whatever has formed me, or whether it would be better to accept being ugly, painfully awkward, boring and slow-witted. Thank God I've not sick the way he is, but there's other unlikeable traits of his that are part of my personality.

It is always worth fighting if you do not like aspects of yourself and wish to change them. Only you can do this. You sound like you have low self esteem more than anything else, is that fair to say?