Dating as a virgin - and everyone seems *** obsessed?

[TheSolitaryMan]

Last week I met a really nice girl who has apparently secretly liked me for a while. We got a bit drunk and I flirted with her and it was great fun. I even gave her a small kiss. All pretty cool, right?

Well, this was until her roommate started telling me how much I should sleep with her friend. "She's liked you ages, get her into bed.", stuff along those lines. I was quite uncomfortable with this, and after she said it a bunch of times I just flat out said "Actually I haven't had ***, I'd rather take it slow thanks, but she's really cool."

I got a pity hug for this (!) for some reason and she went right back to telling me to just jump in bed with her pal. In the end I just gave her my number instead.

This isn't really an isolated incident. I've noticed that out of the 9 or so girls I went on dates with last year, I got literally 0 second dates if I didn't kiss on the first. Second dates were laden with a pressured "we need to have *** soon" vibe that basically lead to no third dates because it gives me cold feet so early on. My ex, my only "serious" GF, was always talking about *** after the third date (and in the end, thanks to an STI, it turned out it was fortunate that we didn't do anything...)

All my male friends seem to date purely to "bang", and my best friend usually invites women back to his place successfully on the first or second date.

My virginity is ultimately a choice and I'm not bothered by it in itself. But I just feel really depressed that all my experiences of dating just seem to 100% be about people desperately shagging everything that moves with minimal effort. I've had girls even say that they don't want to date, but they would have *** with me immediately instead. I actually find that kinda insulting - like, you're good enough to hump but not worth getting to know?

It's really isolating feeling like you're the only person in the world that doesn't want to **** before you even know someone's second name.

If I bring up my kind of frustration with this instant-*** culture, my friends seem to think I'm some kind of mad gibbering *****. My bestie thinks I'm incompetent at dating just because I don't drop the "back to mine?" line every single date. I find this annoying because actually I've dated far more girls than he has, I just don't immediately try to have *** with every single one after one date!

It's not even like I don't want to have *** - far from it actually. I'm not even against *** on a second date. I just want it to feel like it's for something other than a 10 minute romp with some person who's got 15 Tinder guys lined up on the side. And yet meeting someone "normal" who doesn't have such a casual attitude seems insanely difficult.

After all this time, my choice seems to be either just cave in and have awkward crappy *** with the next person who is convenient and then regret it afterwards or just go another 10 or so years sitting around being sexually frustrated. And even if I do have ***, there's no guarantee I won't still find the whole ***-laden dating scene any less tiresome.

Thoughts? Am I just a nut?

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

After all this time, my choice seems to be either just cave in and have awkward crappy *** with the next person who is convenient and then regret it afterwards or just go another 10 or so years sitting around being sexually frustrated. And even if I do have ***, there's no guarantee I won't still find the whole ***-laden dating scene any less tiresome.

Thoughts? Am I just a nut?

No your not. Society now just really sucks. In a society where almost everyone expects a hook up on the first date... if you aren't willing to f a total stranger immediately your going to be an outlier. 

That said, why don't you just look at it as an opportunity. The next girl who takes an interest just look at her as practice to rip the band aid off so it won't be an issue the next time. Why would you regret it? Like everything it takes practice and it is reasonable that some encounters are just going to be functional and not the great love of your life. 

I feel bad for women today that have been taught to be so aggressive and foolish as IMHO a sign of empowerment.  But, that is the way it is today. It has swung too far to one side.

 

[Tealeaf]

Everyone is ***-obsessed, except it's not even about *** for many people. It's a sickness in our culture right now - it's all about external validation and temporary highs, and the easiest, cheapest way for people to get tons of that is through ***.

I agree it's very isolating. My self-esteem comes from my family, my friendships, my intelligence, my music, my experiences. Not how many notches I can get on my belt or what I can get people to say while they're trying to get me in bed.

One reason I don't go out much anymore. What's out there isn't something I care much for, anyway.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

No your not. Society now just really sucks. In a society where almost everyone expects a hook up on the first date... if you aren't willing to f a total stranger immediately your going to be an outlier. 

That said, why don't you just look at it as an opportunity. The next girl who takes an interest just look at her as practice to rip the band aid off so it won't be an issue the next time. Why would you regret it? Like everything it takes practice and it is reasonable that some encounters are just going to be functional and not the great love of your life. 

I feel bad for women today that have been taught to be so aggressive and foolish as IMHO a sign of empowerment.  But, that is the way it is today. It has swung too far to one side.

+1

Everyone is ***-obsessed, except it's not even about *** for many people. It's a sickness in our culture right now - it's all about external validation and temporary highs, and the easiest, cheapest way for people to get tons of that is through ***.

I agree it's very isolating. My self-esteem comes from my family, my friendships, my intelligence, my music, my experiences. Not how many notches I can get on my belt or what I can get people to say while they're trying to get me in bed.

One reason I don't go out much anymore. What's out there isn't something I care much for, anyway.

+1

 

[ardour]

That almost seems surreal. I suppose you could say at least these women find you attractive enough for the prospect of a one-nighter or temporary **** buddy even if it's not something you want, but it's depressing nonetheless.

I don't agree with using someone to get your virginity out of the way. No way you won't regret it.

It seems common now to view monogamous relationships as either oppressive or boring/pedestrian, while inherently riskier behaviour is a sacrosanct form of self-expression.

 

[DarkSelene]

No, don't use a girl to loose your virginity, find someone you actually care about. You won't enjoy it otherwise.

Seems like you're not one of the folks that would sit around for the next 10 years waiting for an opportunity or something. Find a girl you have fun with and talk to her about it, let things go slowly and build something. No one will know immediately what you think of it, be communicative and if they're pressuring you, then they're not the right person to try it out with.

Judging someone for being a virgin is so freaking childish, by the way. Y'all are like unicorns nowadays and that says something about society, not you.

 

[TheRealCallie]

When YOU are ready to have ***, you should have ***. Not before. Don't be pressured into "getting it over with" just because that's what everyone else does.
There's nothing wrong with waiting until you're ready and don't let anyone make you think there is. Yes, it's a rarity now, but that doesn't mean you should cave. I think it's awesome you are waiting.

 

[VanillaCreme]

*** is a natural thing to want for many folks. I do think some people can be obsessed with it, much like anything else. But it is quite natural to a lot of them as well.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

I firmly will state again: anyone you date who would judge you based on being a virgin isn't worth your time.

I've had lots of female friends in my life, that I've always talked to in-depth, and either intimate or platonic, 100% of the time they have all stated they would care more about the guy himself than how good he is, his size, his mistakes, etc. They would love HIM.

And yeah, these are just the types of people I would get along with, and by proxy are the kinds of women I go for; so not saying there aren't women who are not like this.... but that's my point: don't go for them. If they don't go for you as you really are, then don't bother with them either. You won't work.

I'd like to hear more of this from a female perspective if more girls have stories of how men they've tried have reacted or heard stories, etc.
I can say as myself though, I personally wouldn't care either. At my age, I'd expect most people to have had more than one serious relationship in their life, and if not where they were still virgins, that wouldn't be better or worse either. Like with what they say, I would care more about HER than her current sexual state.

If the love is real, the future matters, not the past.

 

[ardour]

I firmly will state again: anyone you date who would judge you based on being a virgin isn't worth your time.

...

You talk as if virgin men have tons of options and can just wait until they find someone who won't care. Even if a lot of women wouldn't feel disgust for a virgin and outright reject a man over this, they're likely be more hesitant and it doesn't really need explaining as to why.

A certain level of enthusiasm from both parties is required to get the ball rolling. Virginity/no experience is just one of those things that's likely to tip the balance against that hapenning.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

I firmly will state again: anyone you date who would judge you based on being a virgin isn't worth your time.

...

You talk as if virgin men have tons of options and can just wait until they find  someone who won't care. Even if a lot of women wouldn't feel disgust for a virgin and outright reject a man over this, they're likely be more hesitant and it doesn't really need explaining as to why.

A certain level of enthusiasm from both parties is required to get the ball rolling.  Virginity/no experience is just one of those things that's likely to tip the balance against that hapenning.

I talk that way because it's true. You project your bitterness and bias into this because you've already made up your mind and closed it off, just like every other incel.
Too far gone.
I'm sorry you feel this way, because nothing is ever going to change for you as you are now.