Syber Tiger
Well-known member
this i posted on another forum,but posted it here also,as i think ppl can maby relate also to some parts of it, and i got told to do it by some one, SHE WILL NOW WHO SHE IS!
hi,sorry for my bad spelling/grammar im not good at English,
form the age of 14 i been suffering from depression,started smoking weed(like most kids do at age) but i did it to cope,didnt make it better ,but made life just liveable,i didnt really had friend,they never really wanted to hang out with me or ask me to hang out with them,Just sat with them at lunch time,but other than that i was the loner,But on the hand i am scared honeysuckle less of people,some stuff also happend in my past that i cant get over so maby this also plays a roll in this donno
so at the age one 18-19 im finally done with school,was totally alone now,no ppl to get weed from,things got worse,stated to selfharm to cope with the pain of feeling alone ,after a wile that didnt help any more,at around 20,started to do workout and loose some fat,but that turned bad also,lost alot of weight,ppl asked me if i was sick,there were weeks i only ate like 500cals max a day,and some time i didnt eat for 3days at a time,and if i do eat i hated myself even more,and had tried to kill myself in that time as well,tried to OD on random pills,but didnt go as plan,and here i still am
Then one day i had a bad cold taken some meds more than i should and it made me feel good,and this is the point my "drug" interest started,started to use,cold meds for the sedative effects one a wile,then weekly
later i found OTC painkillers (codeine) and they also made me feel nice in the start, i know i was going to get addicted and make life worce, haven't gotten physical addicted but more mentaly,i stopped for a month ,not using anything depresson got worce
Found that LSD/MDMA can work well for depression etc. but the place i got it from had other stuff also...
so heres my drug use,and how it gotten more and more,and why i am not worried
5-Meo-MIPI- 1st trip,and the best night of my life, tried it again after a week or so but wasn't nice,just felt sick,but was still ok
from that time to maby December 2015 i just smoked weed,used Flubromazolam,and some codeine painkillers,just to try and mask the depression and to keep on going,the idea of getting high,honestly it was the onlything that kept me alive
Then last month Jan2016
i got the the things i actually wanted LSD,DMT,MDMA,Flubromazolam,25i,and some codeine pills
i was so happy i got all this things,and also learned that tolerance is a *****
on the 5th i had half a tab of 25i (600ug)it was nice but didnt do it for me)
on the 8th jan i took 250ug of LSD with a bit of weed, it was great (not as fun as i had with 5 meo mipi) but i wanted to feel good again,so the
11th i taken 2mg of 25i and 90mg of mdma,had a great time,later re dosed with 200mg mdma and 7mg 25i
didnt really add to anything just made it a bit longer,
the weekend of the 15th just smoked weed and knocked myself out with Flubromazolam,that week i battled with myself to stay clean for the weekend of the 22nd
the 22nd,i hoped my tolerance would be down to do more,so i did 540ug LSD at once,30min later i swallowed it and taken 2.4mg 25i to add to the lsd, and a hour later didnt start tripping really so taken another 1.2mg of 25i, and it was just a few min,things got crazy, my walls pc,everything went bigger and smaller benign over, everything became like a hologram,music sounded great,then i taken off my earphones,and i instantly went into a new world,into my mind, i felt like i became god and (you guys know how it goes) and had a ego death,after maby another hour i snapped back to reality and poped 200mg of mdma,and back to music, had a great time,dont remember at what point i re dosed with another 100mg of mdma,but at that time the crazy visuals relaxed (i was alone in a dark room all this time) so didnt had much to see anyway,but my pc screen,talked to some friends online,i just felt great,thought it was all over,walked to my bed,layed on my bed,then it felt like the trip got a 2nd kick (not sure what to call that)
i felt myself die, and getting re borned again,saw myself and i remember thinking/telling myself i was born in this world to love myself,and thats the reason to life etc (cant remember it all that well or have words for it) some time passed, i got up looked out of the window saw the sunrise,felt the fresh morning wind blowing,i felt so happy/relaxed/accepted/all i ever wanted (this was maby 6hours later),
the next day i was still bit out of it,but at sunday i started feeling down (mdma comedown),monday was honeysuckle,i wanted to feel that happy again as my depression gotten worce, that love myself with lsd felt usless,just a memory
and in that time/the following week all my online friends left me,they all kicked me out of the groups,eveyone ignores me even those that talk everyday,and it made things just really bad,felt more suicidel than ever,
the 27th taken 22xsyndol painkillers (10mg codeine/450paracitamol/5mg doxylamine) each,to calm me down,usaly take like 5every other day in the week,just to make me calm/relax,not to get high,(the days i dont take those i use Flubromazolam but as often)
on the 28th felt worce,so taken 0.75 mg Flubromazolam (normal dose is 0.5 for me just to be chilled)
but that 0.75 made me blacked out for like 14hours, i woke up the next morning,in bed,there were icescream in my fridge that i have no idea how it got there,i cant remember honeysuckle ,but still the depresson grown,and the urge to use to feel better/ok gets more
the 29th taken 1.2mg 25i (wile depressed), yes i wasent thinking,just wanted to get away,atlest i had crazy tollarance,and was a low dose, and just amped my depression ,but it later calmed down,as i started to listen to music,and it went ok in the end
30th, havent slept, just felt horrable,so the day went on,that night i taken 5 syndols again+ 0.5mg Flubromazolam (1st time mixing) and felt so calm relaxed,wont say happy,but compared to what i felt like it was heaven,and had a great night sleep)
31th (the day i fresia up)
woken up rolled 2x joints smoked it,went in my room poped 3 synols again and 0.5mg Flubromazolam hoping it will add to the high of the weed,but didnt really think so as the tollarance/low dose,so it was more of a waist,but in the end i felt quite nice, really relaxed, so it was worth it,at around 1pm i droped 2.2mg 25i, hopeing to get a good trip again,being happy and all,about 40min later i bombed 250mg of mdma,and went for a swim,at this time i started seeing things move,and felt the mdma come on wile swimming,it was great,i got out and re dosed again on 25i taken 2tabs again, then like 10min later i got up and gotten 2more tabs , and so it went on, in the end the redose was at 12mg, when i finaly got myself/ the urge to redose to stop, (so that 14.2mg 25i for the day,with the,weed/mdma/painkillers and Flubromazolam) later i realised how stupid i was and that is a really bad combo/and the dosages was way out.. but that didnt really bother me then,as i didnt care if i died from it,or what happen, i just wanted to get out of reality and not feel pain/alone
1 feb 2016, i had to go to work, still tripping (seeing things move) pupils huge as fresia,but i managed to get trough the day,even 24h later i was still seeing things move like text etc
2nd feb, i gotten sick, stomach pains, nausia,headache, diaria etc... was worried that i did damage to my body/brain on that sunday,also been getting more dreams,nightmares monday's wasent that bad,but the night/morning of the 2nd,it was so life like/so real/felt so real,
started with seeing myself pay minecraft/ark i woken up,but was still dreaming( lucid dreaming) i could fly around in the game etc,but that quickly stoped,then,next thing i know i saw myself in my room, being paranoid,and going all crazy,i woken up quite a few times,but eveytime i got back to sleep it just starts all over again,at one point, i saw myself as a zombie thing, my head tried to spin backwards,and i was trying to pull it back so it wont,and there were lots of blood coming out of my mouth,the pain/panic/fear felt so real i wokeup,i was literally shaking and could not sleep again,the whole day i was all shaky and couldn't do anything
yesterday 3rd,felt alot better,but depression/loneliness hit hard again,went with my normal morning work,and at random i get this horrible pain my my arms,spreaded to my solders,then my chest,my hole body was stiff and in pain, when i got home, i taken some Flubromazolam,just to calm me down, the event of the night b4 was still with me,and i wanted to get some sleep,after some time i taken the Flubromazolam,the pain went away,and i began to felt normal again
today 4th- still feeling the effects of the Flubromazolam,so can explain why my language is even worce that normal,still feel depressed but not that much
i just want to be happy/and feel loved ,i know i should get help,but i dont know where to start where to go ,and im scared,and this means i will have to tell people in real life about this,and it scares me even more
and my questions for u guys,
do u think i did permanent damage to my brain/body with all that 25i and MDMA use?
and that pain i felt,was that withdrawal from Flubromazolam?
and im sorry for ranting/going on about this,and for my spelling/grammar,just wanted a place to talk and get thing off my chest, as things only seems to get worse and i feel more hopeless everyday,and the urge to get some heroin to take the pain away even more grows on me everday,or even fentanyl to die peacefully and end the pain forever
i just dont want to be like this any more :'(
hi,sorry for my bad spelling/grammar im not good at English,
form the age of 14 i been suffering from depression,started smoking weed(like most kids do at age) but i did it to cope,didnt make it better ,but made life just liveable,i didnt really had friend,they never really wanted to hang out with me or ask me to hang out with them,Just sat with them at lunch time,but other than that i was the loner,But on the hand i am scared honeysuckle less of people,some stuff also happend in my past that i cant get over so maby this also plays a roll in this donno
so at the age one 18-19 im finally done with school,was totally alone now,no ppl to get weed from,things got worse,stated to selfharm to cope with the pain of feeling alone ,after a wile that didnt help any more,at around 20,started to do workout and loose some fat,but that turned bad also,lost alot of weight,ppl asked me if i was sick,there were weeks i only ate like 500cals max a day,and some time i didnt eat for 3days at a time,and if i do eat i hated myself even more,and had tried to kill myself in that time as well,tried to OD on random pills,but didnt go as plan,and here i still am
Then one day i had a bad cold taken some meds more than i should and it made me feel good,and this is the point my "drug" interest started,started to use,cold meds for the sedative effects one a wile,then weekly
later i found OTC painkillers (codeine) and they also made me feel nice in the start, i know i was going to get addicted and make life worce, haven't gotten physical addicted but more mentaly,i stopped for a month ,not using anything depresson got worce
Found that LSD/MDMA can work well for depression etc. but the place i got it from had other stuff also...
so heres my drug use,and how it gotten more and more,and why i am not worried
5-Meo-MIPI- 1st trip,and the best night of my life, tried it again after a week or so but wasn't nice,just felt sick,but was still ok
from that time to maby December 2015 i just smoked weed,used Flubromazolam,and some codeine painkillers,just to try and mask the depression and to keep on going,the idea of getting high,honestly it was the onlything that kept me alive
Then last month Jan2016
i got the the things i actually wanted LSD,DMT,MDMA,Flubromazolam,25i,and some codeine pills
i was so happy i got all this things,and also learned that tolerance is a *****
on the 5th i had half a tab of 25i (600ug)it was nice but didnt do it for me)
on the 8th jan i took 250ug of LSD with a bit of weed, it was great (not as fun as i had with 5 meo mipi) but i wanted to feel good again,so the
11th i taken 2mg of 25i and 90mg of mdma,had a great time,later re dosed with 200mg mdma and 7mg 25i
didnt really add to anything just made it a bit longer,
the weekend of the 15th just smoked weed and knocked myself out with Flubromazolam,that week i battled with myself to stay clean for the weekend of the 22nd
the 22nd,i hoped my tolerance would be down to do more,so i did 540ug LSD at once,30min later i swallowed it and taken 2.4mg 25i to add to the lsd, and a hour later didnt start tripping really so taken another 1.2mg of 25i, and it was just a few min,things got crazy, my walls pc,everything went bigger and smaller benign over, everything became like a hologram,music sounded great,then i taken off my earphones,and i instantly went into a new world,into my mind, i felt like i became god and (you guys know how it goes) and had a ego death,after maby another hour i snapped back to reality and poped 200mg of mdma,and back to music, had a great time,dont remember at what point i re dosed with another 100mg of mdma,but at that time the crazy visuals relaxed (i was alone in a dark room all this time) so didnt had much to see anyway,but my pc screen,talked to some friends online,i just felt great,thought it was all over,walked to my bed,layed on my bed,then it felt like the trip got a 2nd kick (not sure what to call that)
i felt myself die, and getting re borned again,saw myself and i remember thinking/telling myself i was born in this world to love myself,and thats the reason to life etc (cant remember it all that well or have words for it) some time passed, i got up looked out of the window saw the sunrise,felt the fresh morning wind blowing,i felt so happy/relaxed/accepted/all i ever wanted (this was maby 6hours later),
the next day i was still bit out of it,but at sunday i started feeling down (mdma comedown),monday was honeysuckle,i wanted to feel that happy again as my depression gotten worce, that love myself with lsd felt usless,just a memory
and in that time/the following week all my online friends left me,they all kicked me out of the groups,eveyone ignores me even those that talk everyday,and it made things just really bad,felt more suicidel than ever,
the 27th taken 22xsyndol painkillers (10mg codeine/450paracitamol/5mg doxylamine) each,to calm me down,usaly take like 5every other day in the week,just to make me calm/relax,not to get high,(the days i dont take those i use Flubromazolam but as often)
on the 28th felt worce,so taken 0.75 mg Flubromazolam (normal dose is 0.5 for me just to be chilled)
but that 0.75 made me blacked out for like 14hours, i woke up the next morning,in bed,there were icescream in my fridge that i have no idea how it got there,i cant remember honeysuckle ,but still the depresson grown,and the urge to use to feel better/ok gets more
the 29th taken 1.2mg 25i (wile depressed), yes i wasent thinking,just wanted to get away,atlest i had crazy tollarance,and was a low dose, and just amped my depression ,but it later calmed down,as i started to listen to music,and it went ok in the end
30th, havent slept, just felt horrable,so the day went on,that night i taken 5 syndols again+ 0.5mg Flubromazolam (1st time mixing) and felt so calm relaxed,wont say happy,but compared to what i felt like it was heaven,and had a great night sleep)
31th (the day i fresia up)
woken up rolled 2x joints smoked it,went in my room poped 3 synols again and 0.5mg Flubromazolam hoping it will add to the high of the weed,but didnt really think so as the tollarance/low dose,so it was more of a waist,but in the end i felt quite nice, really relaxed, so it was worth it,at around 1pm i droped 2.2mg 25i, hopeing to get a good trip again,being happy and all,about 40min later i bombed 250mg of mdma,and went for a swim,at this time i started seeing things move,and felt the mdma come on wile swimming,it was great,i got out and re dosed again on 25i taken 2tabs again, then like 10min later i got up and gotten 2more tabs , and so it went on, in the end the redose was at 12mg, when i finaly got myself/ the urge to redose to stop, (so that 14.2mg 25i for the day,with the,weed/mdma/painkillers and Flubromazolam) later i realised how stupid i was and that is a really bad combo/and the dosages was way out.. but that didnt really bother me then,as i didnt care if i died from it,or what happen, i just wanted to get out of reality and not feel pain/alone
1 feb 2016, i had to go to work, still tripping (seeing things move) pupils huge as fresia,but i managed to get trough the day,even 24h later i was still seeing things move like text etc
2nd feb, i gotten sick, stomach pains, nausia,headache, diaria etc... was worried that i did damage to my body/brain on that sunday,also been getting more dreams,nightmares monday's wasent that bad,but the night/morning of the 2nd,it was so life like/so real/felt so real,
started with seeing myself pay minecraft/ark i woken up,but was still dreaming( lucid dreaming) i could fly around in the game etc,but that quickly stoped,then,next thing i know i saw myself in my room, being paranoid,and going all crazy,i woken up quite a few times,but eveytime i got back to sleep it just starts all over again,at one point, i saw myself as a zombie thing, my head tried to spin backwards,and i was trying to pull it back so it wont,and there were lots of blood coming out of my mouth,the pain/panic/fear felt so real i wokeup,i was literally shaking and could not sleep again,the whole day i was all shaky and couldn't do anything
yesterday 3rd,felt alot better,but depression/loneliness hit hard again,went with my normal morning work,and at random i get this horrible pain my my arms,spreaded to my solders,then my chest,my hole body was stiff and in pain, when i got home, i taken some Flubromazolam,just to calm me down, the event of the night b4 was still with me,and i wanted to get some sleep,after some time i taken the Flubromazolam,the pain went away,and i began to felt normal again
today 4th- still feeling the effects of the Flubromazolam,so can explain why my language is even worce that normal,still feel depressed but not that much
i just want to be happy/and feel loved ,i know i should get help,but i dont know where to start where to go ,and im scared,and this means i will have to tell people in real life about this,and it scares me even more
and my questions for u guys,
do u think i did permanent damage to my brain/body with all that 25i and MDMA use?
and that pain i felt,was that withdrawal from Flubromazolam?
and im sorry for ranting/going on about this,and for my spelling/grammar,just wanted a place to talk and get thing off my chest, as things only seems to get worse and i feel more hopeless everyday,and the urge to get some heroin to take the pain away even more grows on me everday,or even fentanyl to die peacefully and end the pain forever
i just dont want to be like this any more :'(
