I_still_believe
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- Oct 16, 2015
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Greetings! first a quick disclaimer. I'm not condoning revenge, or violence of any kind in any way. Just wanted to hit on a touchy subject & have the ability to speak with frankness & fervor without my words being taken out of context.
Also, I've noticed a lot of people here aren't American and English isn't their native tongue. Guilty as charged here, so my apologies for grammatical errors n such.
This is quite long winded, but I wanted to share some past experiences & male perspective as a way of getting some heavy stuff off my chest and possibly helping others in their journey(s/?)...
I wanna talk here about the desire for revenge. You know it well. That desire to inflict pain & suffering on the one who wronged you. It's something that's almost never talked about, but it lives in all of us.
Now those thoughts we have of exacting revenge on the enemy, you'll imagine every step and you're methodical. How you would hurt them, how you would torture them, what you'd say, how it would play out. We've all done this in our minds, but we're all too scared & ashamed to say just how much time we've spent reflecting on these scenarios. But, it's as common as a dirty thought.
This need for revenge; it's reflected through all areas of society. Through the media, through the justice system. We don't talk about it, we just hide it away. Instead we just sit back and cheer on Liam Neeson as he dispatches another horde of Albanian gangsters.....
But revenge, it's a primal urge. Like someone insults you, you play it out in your mind. What you'd say, how you'd strike back, and it feels a hell of a lot more empowering than feeling helpless.
These thoughts: They're how we insulate ourselves from feeling helpless and from experiencing their vulnerability.
But revenge isn't just about the act of inflicting hurt, or even taking back control. At it's core, it's a deep felt need for the other person to not only understand our experience & our pain, but too LIVE IT! Too live that pain so they can truly understand.
So revenge at it's basis, at it's very core, is still a need for connection. And these thoughts, they give you a sense of control.
You suffer trauma, you receive an insult, or something triggers you...Your physiology it goes into overdrive and that rage response, that anger response, it's not a response to the hurt being inflicted, but rather from the feelings we experience. And what's needed in that moment is understanding & acknowledgment.
Those responses, if they're not addressed and worked through, they can cripple you. The most important thing a man can do (in that moment) is acknowledge his hurt. It's amazing how difficult the step is, especially for a male.
This is what a lifetime of messages of, "Man up!" and forced stereotypes of masculine stoicism does to a man.
Ask yourself when you get angry, 'What degree of vulnerability do you allow yourself to feel?'
You may feel it after the fact. When your adrenaline starts to dissipate, when you start shaking like a leaf...Then you feel vulnerable. That fear over what you did, or what could have happened.
And I've experienced that fear many times. You literally see your life play out in front of you. Your immediate present & what your future may look like behind bars, or whatever. It's similar to a near-death experience and inside each person (in that moment of rage) is a child that needs to be protected.
So what happens? You go on the attack, you need to take your power back, and this anger-reaction, it stops any further introspection & you never get to identify the hurt that sparked this reaction.....
So, if you never allow yourself to experience this vulnerability, how can you identify triggers? How can you protect yourself?
Because a man without awareness is a response automation.
He's just reactive with no further clarity.
That confusion only leads to more suffering, and too more manipulation.
I look around today and ummm.....I look at relationships.
Relationships between man & woman today, they're a cesspool of unconscious resentment. And the degrees to which people overcompensate and the degree to which we employ cognitive dissonance in relationships...All of that. It gets suppressed.
You can convince yourself up and down that your relationship is working, that you're happy, but that resentment along with the guilt of having thoughts of violence, or hurtful intent towards your partner; it always leads to self hatred.
I mean, you picture it. You're sitting across from your partner at dinner & she's talking and she won't shut up. And in the back of your mind, you're thinking how good it would feel to stick your fork in her face. Just so she would understand you. That she wouldn't invalidate your feelings for once.
I know this sounds shocking, but if this was a woman saying this about her husband, I'd be getting applauded by a studio audience right now.
But of course men can't have these thoughts, can they?
This is it. This is how men are turned into footstools & lapdogs for women & society. These men, they're living in a perpetual state of guilt, or self loathing. They're emotionally dead!
And a man, he can often feel guilt for having these thoughts of violence & revenge. Sometimes against those closest to him. you know the same people who don't respect his sacrifices and who exploit his love.
These thoughts, at their core, they're a cry to the world.
Saying "I MATTER, and my feelings, my experience is valid and I want you to acknowledge it! But as men, we don't cry out, we hide away.
You look close enough & you'll see it. Footprints across the back of most men, just human escalators.
Never forming their lips to mouth the words, that their dignity, their time, their lives, their rights are more important than the precious feelings of those around them, i.e. the same people who degrade & exploit them.
And these men, they never voice their pretense of a society. It's a soul destroying nightmare for most men.
This is the way it is for so many males. A life of shame & silent resentment.
So furthering our understanding and awareness, it's the best defense a man can have.
We need to trace that pain. We need to trace that vulnerability and fear into our past & identify the triggers. Because there's a lot of ticking time bombs out there. I was one of them. If you fly blind on auto-pilot, you will bring the past into the present, and that hurt will be intensified tenfold.
And nobody stuck up for the child you once were, no one stood up for you when you were subjected to ongoing systematic abuses by your ex-partner and the courts.
Oh but now you're awake, oh yeah you are awake & you've made the promise to yourself that no one is gonna hurt you again. You're gonna make sure of that, you're gonna fight! You're gonna do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I lived this. I lived it! And so many men do, they've just become reactive.....
Now every perceived slight is augmented in the mind. Everything is scrutinized. Every remark, every gesture & you are waiting, you're anticipating. Just waiting for your chance to lash out!
It's a chance that rarely eventuates. So you end up swinging at ghosts in the dark.
So instead that need to lash out, that resentment, it has nowhere else to go and gets turned inwards....This is standard practice for men, because where else are they gonna turn?
So a man, he reaches for the bottle to numb his pain, or he acts out.
He shuts down his emotions, and justifies every action.
That man; he destroys himself from the inside out. Whatever pain you inflict on a man; he will punish himself a hundred times harder.
Subconsciously he's wanting the world to feel remorse, or some degree of guilt over what they have done to him.
And this happens a lot when you see men state that what they've experienced is something that no one else can understand, until they themselves have experienced it. It pushes people away. It's their protective buffer, but in reality; it's a cry for help.
It stems from a need for connection. It's our go too....
Experiencing rage, anger; it's a deflection. So we don't have to experience vulnerability, so we don't have to experience pain.
You see this online when people dig their heels in & get defensive. Of course the medium lends itself to that.
So it's easier just to claim you feel nothing rather than face the herd.
It's like a child stamping their feet. They're seeking attention.
Then they just storm off in a sulk angry at the parent for ignoring their needs.
It's misguided, it's confused.....
And to forgive, means too let go. At some point a man has to let go.
For the sake of his health, for the sake of his well-being. But most of all, so he can finally be FREE!!
Also, I've noticed a lot of people here aren't American and English isn't their native tongue. Guilty as charged here, so my apologies for grammatical errors n such.
This is quite long winded, but I wanted to share some past experiences & male perspective as a way of getting some heavy stuff off my chest and possibly helping others in their journey(s/?)...
I wanna talk here about the desire for revenge. You know it well. That desire to inflict pain & suffering on the one who wronged you. It's something that's almost never talked about, but it lives in all of us.
Now those thoughts we have of exacting revenge on the enemy, you'll imagine every step and you're methodical. How you would hurt them, how you would torture them, what you'd say, how it would play out. We've all done this in our minds, but we're all too scared & ashamed to say just how much time we've spent reflecting on these scenarios. But, it's as common as a dirty thought.
This need for revenge; it's reflected through all areas of society. Through the media, through the justice system. We don't talk about it, we just hide it away. Instead we just sit back and cheer on Liam Neeson as he dispatches another horde of Albanian gangsters.....
But revenge, it's a primal urge. Like someone insults you, you play it out in your mind. What you'd say, how you'd strike back, and it feels a hell of a lot more empowering than feeling helpless.
These thoughts: They're how we insulate ourselves from feeling helpless and from experiencing their vulnerability.
But revenge isn't just about the act of inflicting hurt, or even taking back control. At it's core, it's a deep felt need for the other person to not only understand our experience & our pain, but too LIVE IT! Too live that pain so they can truly understand.
So revenge at it's basis, at it's very core, is still a need for connection. And these thoughts, they give you a sense of control.
You suffer trauma, you receive an insult, or something triggers you...Your physiology it goes into overdrive and that rage response, that anger response, it's not a response to the hurt being inflicted, but rather from the feelings we experience. And what's needed in that moment is understanding & acknowledgment.
Those responses, if they're not addressed and worked through, they can cripple you. The most important thing a man can do (in that moment) is acknowledge his hurt. It's amazing how difficult the step is, especially for a male.
This is what a lifetime of messages of, "Man up!" and forced stereotypes of masculine stoicism does to a man.
Ask yourself when you get angry, 'What degree of vulnerability do you allow yourself to feel?'
You may feel it after the fact. When your adrenaline starts to dissipate, when you start shaking like a leaf...Then you feel vulnerable. That fear over what you did, or what could have happened.
And I've experienced that fear many times. You literally see your life play out in front of you. Your immediate present & what your future may look like behind bars, or whatever. It's similar to a near-death experience and inside each person (in that moment of rage) is a child that needs to be protected.
So what happens? You go on the attack, you need to take your power back, and this anger-reaction, it stops any further introspection & you never get to identify the hurt that sparked this reaction.....
So, if you never allow yourself to experience this vulnerability, how can you identify triggers? How can you protect yourself?
Because a man without awareness is a response automation.
He's just reactive with no further clarity.
That confusion only leads to more suffering, and too more manipulation.
I look around today and ummm.....I look at relationships.
Relationships between man & woman today, they're a cesspool of unconscious resentment. And the degrees to which people overcompensate and the degree to which we employ cognitive dissonance in relationships...All of that. It gets suppressed.
You can convince yourself up and down that your relationship is working, that you're happy, but that resentment along with the guilt of having thoughts of violence, or hurtful intent towards your partner; it always leads to self hatred.
I mean, you picture it. You're sitting across from your partner at dinner & she's talking and she won't shut up. And in the back of your mind, you're thinking how good it would feel to stick your fork in her face. Just so she would understand you. That she wouldn't invalidate your feelings for once.
I know this sounds shocking, but if this was a woman saying this about her husband, I'd be getting applauded by a studio audience right now.
But of course men can't have these thoughts, can they?
This is it. This is how men are turned into footstools & lapdogs for women & society. These men, they're living in a perpetual state of guilt, or self loathing. They're emotionally dead!
And a man, he can often feel guilt for having these thoughts of violence & revenge. Sometimes against those closest to him. you know the same people who don't respect his sacrifices and who exploit his love.
These thoughts, at their core, they're a cry to the world.
Saying "I MATTER, and my feelings, my experience is valid and I want you to acknowledge it! But as men, we don't cry out, we hide away.
You look close enough & you'll see it. Footprints across the back of most men, just human escalators.
Never forming their lips to mouth the words, that their dignity, their time, their lives, their rights are more important than the precious feelings of those around them, i.e. the same people who degrade & exploit them.
And these men, they never voice their pretense of a society. It's a soul destroying nightmare for most men.
This is the way it is for so many males. A life of shame & silent resentment.
So furthering our understanding and awareness, it's the best defense a man can have.
We need to trace that pain. We need to trace that vulnerability and fear into our past & identify the triggers. Because there's a lot of ticking time bombs out there. I was one of them. If you fly blind on auto-pilot, you will bring the past into the present, and that hurt will be intensified tenfold.
And nobody stuck up for the child you once were, no one stood up for you when you were subjected to ongoing systematic abuses by your ex-partner and the courts.
Oh but now you're awake, oh yeah you are awake & you've made the promise to yourself that no one is gonna hurt you again. You're gonna make sure of that, you're gonna fight! You're gonna do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I lived this. I lived it! And so many men do, they've just become reactive.....
Now every perceived slight is augmented in the mind. Everything is scrutinized. Every remark, every gesture & you are waiting, you're anticipating. Just waiting for your chance to lash out!
It's a chance that rarely eventuates. So you end up swinging at ghosts in the dark.
So instead that need to lash out, that resentment, it has nowhere else to go and gets turned inwards....This is standard practice for men, because where else are they gonna turn?
So a man, he reaches for the bottle to numb his pain, or he acts out.
He shuts down his emotions, and justifies every action.
That man; he destroys himself from the inside out. Whatever pain you inflict on a man; he will punish himself a hundred times harder.
Subconsciously he's wanting the world to feel remorse, or some degree of guilt over what they have done to him.
And this happens a lot when you see men state that what they've experienced is something that no one else can understand, until they themselves have experienced it. It pushes people away. It's their protective buffer, but in reality; it's a cry for help.
It stems from a need for connection. It's our go too....
Experiencing rage, anger; it's a deflection. So we don't have to experience vulnerability, so we don't have to experience pain.
You see this online when people dig their heels in & get defensive. Of course the medium lends itself to that.
So it's easier just to claim you feel nothing rather than face the herd.
It's like a child stamping their feet. They're seeking attention.
Then they just storm off in a sulk angry at the parent for ignoring their needs.
It's misguided, it's confused.....
And to forgive, means too let go. At some point a man has to let go.
For the sake of his health, for the sake of his well-being. But most of all, so he can finally be FREE!!
