Do I expect too much or am I being too sensitive?

[Nikki]

Ok this last episode is the turning point that made me decide to join this place. I really want an answer/opinion on this because it is bugging me and consumes my thoughts. This will include a fair bit of person detail, some I'm not proud of and I would like honest opinions but please, no nastiness. I apologise if this turns out long.

I am in my 40's and haven't had a lot of contact with people. TBH the contact I have had hasn't been positive and the breaking point I can say with all honesty wasn't my doing. I do find now that I don't trust people, second guess their motives etc. Ok to the point:

I am a female gamer and play a certain game online. This was my first real contact with people for many many years. I made friends easily and got to know a few people reasonably well for online. One person in particular (male), I got to know early on (about 18 months ago). We used to talk in game a fair bit and play together regularly. I did keep him at a distance and didn't share any personal info with him and he respected that but was open with me. About 2 months ago I took the plunge and opened up to him and we became close as friends (he does have a GF), he added me on FB and we swapped phone numbers etc. It got to the point were we were chatting in game and texting out of game quite a few times every day. The convos were basic getting to know each other, sharing personal info, dreams, etc but were innocent. Then came what he called 'harmless flirting' which was pretty innocent. He then asked me for a photo as I don't have any online. I sent him one after about a week. The flirting continued and did get more intense....when he saw that I was getting uncomfortable, he would back off but after a few days, it would start again. I'm ashamed to admit the flirting did get a bit too intense and went way too far but he kept saying it was a harmless game. We got to the point were texting each other all day and saying some pretty full on things.
We are both part of a clan that is organising a meet up in our city and he asked me if I wanted to go. I agreed as we seemed to be getting along really well. After that the flirting got very intense to the point of overboard and I called a halt to it as I was actually meaning what I was saying and was getting confused if this was still a game for him or not. The flirting stopped for about a week, but we still texted as much as before, then we seemed to fall back into it. One particular day, it got very explicit and was pretty much texting continuously all day. The next morning I got a good morning text from him as usual, then a text saying he is busy at work and would chat that night in game. When he came online that night, I got a basic hi an hour after he came online, then nothing.
He texted me the next morning saying he was busy again and couldn't chat and never spoke to me at all that night in game.
I ended up asking him if we were good and he promised that nothing was wrong, he was just busy and they had a new GM at work and he wasn't allowed to use his phone now.
I knew something was wrong and called him on it as he had been on FB most of the day so I knew he was using his phone. I just asked him if there was something wrong or he doesn't want to be friends anymore, to please just tell me.
He contacted me a couple of days later saying he had freaked at some of our convos (which was totally understandable) but still wanted to be friends and we would still chat but would stop the flirting. I was relieved at that as he knew I would be.
This all happened a couple of weeks ago. Now I never hear from him during the day and only occasionally when he is in game at night. For the last 18 months he has said hello as soon as I have come online, but not anymore.
He still insists he wants to be friends and that we can work this out.

Now I know I did a lot wrong here, it's something I have never done before and never will again.

My problem with this is that I finally opened up to him and now I have no idea where I stand. Did he just use me? Am I expecting too much from this friendship?

Opinions most welcome, I would love to get this sorted out in my head.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Sometimes people can become very close on line. They might talk to each other often and get comfortable with each other. Things may even go...beyond that point, as it did between the two of you.
This is my take on it - since he had a girlfriend, what happened with the "overboard texting" should never have happened. Not judging you here, just getting to my next observation. I believe that he likely felt guilty about what happened (both what he was doing to his girlfriend, as well as you) and he retreated.
My opinion is that things won't be (and shouldn't be) the same between the two of you anymore. He has retreated and be glad that he has. It's very easy to get caught up in something on line.
Over the years, I've found myself drawn to people on line. I think one must be vigilant in keeping things in perspective. Don't get me wrong - I see nothing wrong with making some sort of connection with someone on line, but you have to apply the same rules as you would in real life. People who are already in a relationship should really be off limits (as far as some sort of relationship), for a plethora of reasons. If two people, who are not currently involved with anyone else, happen to find one another and decide to enter into some kind of relationship, I see no issues with that.
Use this as a learning experience. I can't stress it enough...use the same moral guidelines on line that you would in real life.
Im sure you're feeling hurt right now, but use this as a learning experience. I wish you luck.

And welcome to the forum.

 

[Nikki]

Thank you for that. I will let him go and move on.

It breaks my heart though that our stupid actions have cost me the one person whom I considered a true long lasting friend.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Thank you for that. I will let him go and move on.

It breaks my heart though that our stupid actions have cost me the one person whom I considered a true long lasting friend.

Don't beat yourself up. Things like that just happen sometimes.

 

[Regumika]

I don't know if you have thought about this before, or you might have even talked about it.. but since you did not mention it here, what if he got chewed out by his GF for speaking "intimately" with you? Not like chewed out in a bad way, but just like.. sharing to him what she thinks you know? Her limits. Of course, it is his choice to respect those limits or not, and perhaps he chose to respect those limits by being with her, who knows?

I definitely agree with Eve. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want to, no matter how hard we try on our end.

 

[Nikki]

No I didn't think of that, mainly because we didn't talk about her. Every time I mentioned her, he changed the subject. I always knew that what we talked about would never happen, that's why he always called it 'harmless flirting'. The only time I wasn't sure if what he was saying was real or not was when he was talking about the meeting.

Please don't think I am blaming him for this, I am not....I am trying to understand how we got to this stage, whether he was serious with his insistence of remaining friends when his actions are saying otherwise etc. I suppose I'm just trying to find some closure so I can move on.

This is why I posted this, so I could get some different perspectives, so thank you.

 

[nerdygirl]

Even if he wanted to start communicating with you the way he was, you'd probably be better off keeping him at arm's length. What happened between the two of you was wrong, and his behaviour was especially wrong because he's the one in the relationship. He knew what he was getting himself into, and he didn't care enough about you or his girlfriend to take the necessary actions to prevent what sounds pretty inevitable. It's easier for you to forget he has a girlfriend. You don't interact with her. He deliberately didn't talk about her. He interacted with her, carried out a romantic relationship with her. I'm not saying that he doesn't care, but that he didn't care enough.

My thoughts are that he probably does want to pick up at that point from before things went too far, but he knows that it's very unlikely for it to succeed. If you cannot resist temptation, then it's better not to have that temptation around.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Just a short possibility, I don't know if it is the case or not. May be, may be not. But it was the first thing that came to me reading it, maybe because of personal experience as well.

Maybe he knows he ****** up by making you open up to him, knowing he can not take it. Meaning, he cant be the one person for you, as he has a GF and all. That he knows that you may start having feelings for him, as it is natural for people who open up to someone. He knows he is hurting you now doing this, but he does that for you not to be hurt even more so later, if you felt for him.

Maybe he is cutting the frequency of contact for you not to develop even stronger feelings for him, as he knows he would not be in a position to accept them and fulfill them.

I hope that I´m writing this when its already somehow resolved, and both of you are happier that you used to.
Wish you luck