Do I still hate men?

[CenotaphGirl]

Venting no need to respond x

So i’m engaged, loved and cherished by a man… I cant still hate men… can I?

Well… its complicated….

It was time to show my partner the gruesome truth, it was a very hard thing for me to do. I showed him one video from my recovery and he wanted to watch them all. He saw what men did to me… he saw what so many men shrug off as simply not happening or not that bad…

So now what? We havent spoken since, I just cant talk to him right now… I love him but its hard for me. He finally understands why I flinch when he holds me, why I am always jumping and startled… why I wish he would just go away forever and why I never want to let him go all at the same time.

I dont even know if I hate men honestly, I just hate what they did to me, I hate that they can do it again… and so now I can never feel safe again… without.. you guessed it, a man. I feel extorted by them… like a i’ll protect you from myself kind of deal… what a life.

 

[okidoke]

I’m sad that you have to hate a whole cohort of people for the acts of a few.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I’m sad that you have to hate a whole cohort of people for the acts of a few.

I’m sad that you think it was a “few” the constant trivialising of what I have been through is another thing men seem to do. To me its violent because 1 man is too many

 

[michael2]

I hope he understands and works with your mental health issues.

All too often, people with mental health issues are abandoned by or shunned by their loved ones when they need them most.

 

[Intrama]

Won't say I understand what that must be like, but I'm glad you've found a good one out there. There's plenty of monsters. Good luck going forward.

 

[okidoke]

I’m sad that you think it was a “few” the constant trivialising of what I have been through is another thing men seem to do. To me its violent because 1 man is too many

Well I only mean few compared to the number of men in the world. Please don’t accuse me of trivialising when I don’t accuse you of over exaggerating Ceno.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I hope he understands and works with your mental health issues.

All too often, people with mental health issues are abandoned by or shunned by their loved ones when they need them most.

Awh thank you, im sure he will, but its not easy. Also, thank you for changing your ways towards me I appreciate that

Won't say I understand what that must be like, but I'm glad you've found a good one out there. There's plenty of monsters. Good luck going forward.

Thank you, its all about moving forward but its like I cant until I go backwards and if I had to explain what it was like to be forced to go back to my darkest moments just for my partner to understand me, feels like im a prisoner to people that hurt me.

Well I only mean few compared to the number of men in the world. Please don’t accuse me of trivialising when I don’t accuse you of over exaggerating Ceno.

Maybe it could be a simple misunderstanding? Not looking to argue with anyone… just venting

 

[okidoke]

Maybe it could be a simple misunderstanding? Not looking to argue with anyone… just venting

That’s what it is indeed, a misunderstanding

 

[CenotaphGirl]

That’s what it is indeed, a misunderstanding

I know I like to debate a lot of things and have deep convos on here but not about this, if thats okay, thats not what I need right now, im hurting right now, as a real person behind a screen. I wish you love and light

 

[Intrama]

You both, from reading over the many posts since my being here, are decent ppl. Lots of light.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You both, from reading over the many posts since my being here, are decent ppl. Lots of light.

You know… now I think of it are you new? Sorry if you aren't but welcomeee if you are

 

[Intrama]

You know… now I think of it are you new? Sorry if you aren't but welcomeee if you are

Yes, couple weeks or so. Thank you!

 

[ardour]

Hopefully he doesn't make it about his own ego or try to "rescue" you.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Have you thought about taking a refrain from the dating pool all together?
Just be single for a while, decompress, sort your head out, focus on organizing your life to be how you want it to be aside from a relationship prospect?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Hopefully he doesn't make it about his own ego or try to "rescue" you.

Well you know men and their egos, I think he was more confused not sure we did the exercise properly.

Have you thought about taking a refrain from the dating pool all together?
Just be single for a while, decompress, sort your head out, focus on organizing your life to be how you want it to be aside from a relationship prospect?

Im way out the dating pool its not really about my partner I love him its just theres this side of me that maybe will always be there… a side thats terrified of men. No matter what I do.

My therapist suggested for me to show 1 thing from my recovery, to him to be sure he understands why I cant be everything, why I cant be a woman who men never hurt, as thats not who I am any more. So I will get flash backs, nightmares , I will randomly burst into tears when I see men walking down the street simply enjoying their lives. Its trauma and I am allowed to be loved while I work through it, maybe for the rest of my life.

My Rob watched and read everything from my recovery so we did the exercise wrong. He spoke to me for hours about it and just was in shock, he questioned somethings and explaining everything was like it all just happening all over again. I had to just ask for some space, he agreed but then all my girls came over as he was leaving and he thought maybe I was mad at him. He tried to stay he called and text me a zillion times which made him look a little weak in my eyes. But I’ll overlook it as its all a mess.

Do I blame him? No. Am I mad at him? No. Do I need a bit of space while I cuddle my friends and ugly cry? Yes. I genuinely think he thinks I slept with someone last night… so.. idk.. someone thats not a male. But I didnt I just cried, went on here and wrote this post.

 

[Cherubino]

the same issue with me and my "relationships" ... it's called (C)PTSD and any potential partner needs some basic training about it

 

[CenotaphGirl]

the same issue with me and my "relationships" ... it's called (C)PTSD and any potential partner needs some basic training about it

Maybe thats what he needs, my friends were bashing my therapist but I genuinely think he just wanted to give some light exposure not traumatise me all over again. Next time I must stick to the rules

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Im way out the dating pool its not really about my partner I love him its just theres this side of me that maybe will always be there… a side thats terrified of men. No matter what I do.

My therapist suggested for me to show 1 thing from my recovery, to him to be sure he understands why I cant be everything, why I cant be a woman who men never hurt, as thats not who I am any more. So I will get flash backs, nightmares , I will randomly burst into tears when I see men walking down the street simply enjoying their lives. Its trauma and I am allowed to be loved while I work through it, maybe for the rest of my life.

My Rob watched and read everything from my recovery so we did the exercise wrong. He spoke to me for hours about it and just was in shock, he questioned somethings and explaining everything was like it all just happening all over again. I had to just ask for some space, he agreed but then all my girls came over as he was leaving and he thought maybe I was mad at him. He tried to stay he called and text me a zillion times which made him look a little weak in my eyes. But I’ll overlook it as its all a mess.

Do I blame him? No. Am I mad at him? No. Do I need a bit of space while I cuddle my friends and ugly cry? Yes. I genuinely think he thinks I slept with someone last night… so.. idk.. someone thats not a male. But I didnt I just cried, went on here and wrote this post.

People cannot differentiate between past trauma experience triggers and legitimate concerns for alarm. The brain processes them the same. Check with your therapist on this, they'll probably tell you the same thing. The brain processes a traumatic negative memory seemingly the same way that it processes a current traumatic experience, with subtle differences and shocking similarities.

The internets involvement is bad for this reason. Because there's an old saying in business:

Happiness in life comes from solving problems, but money in life comes from creating problems.

And the trouble is that people forget that the Internet is mechanical, so of course if you go on Google or pretty much any search engine and type something in like "is my partner cheating" than you will surely get results related to exactly what you searched for.

It's very similar to how the human mind sees shapes and patterns in things that are just natural. Like the lady who saw Jesus on her toast, for example. "Correlation does not imply Causation," I will forever remember that, as it was browbeaten into my skull by my college Psychology professor.

Part of the problem is that it's a dangerous cocktail to go searching for solutions online to your emotional anxiety, in part because there are entire wildfire origins of dating coaches and love gurus who all know that it's profitable to predatorily target emotionally distressed people and exploit them.

That's how you get instances wherein one person in the relationship is paranoid that the other is cheating, and then they go and play themselves by having in affair.

In order to untangle and avoid the whole thing, a person with such emotional anxiety would need to be walked and guided back into trusting again.

The misconception is that people have trust issues due to their own behaviors, but the reality is that people have trust issues because something bad happened to them, they never dealt with it themselves in a healthy way, and nobody wanted to take the time to walk them through back to some kind of semblance of normalcy. Which paradoxically and the irony is, that if you actually do love someone than you will walk with that person through their recovery so that they can see what you're really worth to them. It's not measured in money and things, it's measured in actually caring about the person you claim to care about. It means, that society has a lot of healing and growing to do and that we should help each other instead of contributing to our own detriment as a society and a civilization of humans.

Get some rest, Ceno.
I hope you feel better and can relax some later.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

People cannot differentiate between past trauma experience triggers and legitimate concerns for alarm. The brain processes them the same. Check with your therapist on this, they'll probably tell you the same thing. The brain processes a traumatic negative memory seemingly the same way that it processes a current traumatic experience, with subtle differences and shocking similarities.

The internets involvement is bad for this reason. Because there's an old saying in business:

Happiness in life comes from solving problems, but money in life comes from creating problems.

And the trouble is that people forget that the Internet is mechanical, so of course if you go on Google or pretty much any search engine and type something in like "is my partner cheating" than you will surely get results related to exactly what you searched for.

It's very similar to how the human mind sees shapes and patterns in things that are just natural. Like the lady who saw Jesus on her toast, for example. "Correlation does not imply Causation," I will forever remember that, as it was browbeaten into my skull by my college Psychology professor.

Part of the problem is that it's a dangerous cocktail to go searching for solutions online to your emotional anxiety, in part because there are entire wildfire origins of dating coaches and love gurus who all know that it's profitable to predatorily target emotionally distressed people and exploit them.

That's how you get instances wherein one person in the relationship is paranoid that the other is cheating, and then they go and play themselves by having in affair.

In order to untangle and avoid the whole thing, a person with such emotional anxiety would need to be walked and guided back into trusting again.

The misconception is that people have trust issues due to their own behaviors, but the reality is that people have trust issues because something bad happened to them, they never dealt with it themselves in a healthy way, and nobody wanted to take the time to walk them through back to some kind of semblance of normalcy. Which paradoxically and the irony is, that if you actually do love someone than you will walk with that person through their recovery so that they can see what you're really worth to them. It's not measured in money and things, it's measured in actually caring about the person you claim to care about. It means, that society has a lot of healing and growing to do and that we should help each other instead of contributing to our own detriment as a society and a civilization of humans.

Get some rest, Ceno.
I hope you feel better and can relax some later.

This is so true, thanks Apexie, reading your wise words always cheers me up